(no subject)
It never gets easier to lose someone you love. No matter how old you get, you still cry so hard you wonder how you have any tears left. Sometimes I feel guilty for crying so hard that you almost forget why you even are crying. You want to stop, your cheaks swollen and your nose raw. It feels like Mike Tyson just punched you in the face, and you wonder if that wouldn't be so bad in comparison.
The worst part of it all is that people don't understand. How can one feel so much for a dog.
That dog was my family. He was my friend. Its even worse now because he's still here with us but we practically made an appointment - THE appointment. We decided the day he will die.
I know he is sick. The cancer ate too much away before we even knew what was wrong, and we don't want to risk him going through seizures and dying alone one day. We don't want him to be afraid. But its still aweful, assigning his day . . . a day so scary for anyone that neither of us can face it ourselves.
I only hope that this is the right desition. That it will be far better to just go to sleep in the arms of his family, to make him feel safe. I don't know if I will be there, I don't know if I could handle it. I feel so guilty because my Mom will go, she will stroke his ear, she will be there because, like she told me 'What kind of mother would I be if I wasn't there for him?' But me . . . I'm too scared. In my heart I want to, but I am so afraid. I want to imagine him how he was -- just a black beauty -- healthy if not a bit on the pudgy side. A face and floppy ears that could totally make your heart melt. He was just as much my baby as anybody elses, but I am so afraid of death . . . I don't want to see him die.
I don't know whats out there. It was easier when I was Christian, when I could just be happy in knowing he was going somewhere far better then this shit hole can be sometimes. I just hope that its like the movie What Dreams May Come. That somewhere he will be running around in a field of tall grass made of paint, the colors swirling with that soft ebony fur coat. I hope he see's Chewie again, and that both of them are happy in there reunion and looking down at us, and at Chye and how much of a dufus she really is, heh.
I love you Cody, and I'll miss you forever.
The worst part of it all is that people don't understand. How can one feel so much for a dog.
That dog was my family. He was my friend. Its even worse now because he's still here with us but we practically made an appointment - THE appointment. We decided the day he will die.
I know he is sick. The cancer ate too much away before we even knew what was wrong, and we don't want to risk him going through seizures and dying alone one day. We don't want him to be afraid. But its still aweful, assigning his day . . . a day so scary for anyone that neither of us can face it ourselves.
I only hope that this is the right desition. That it will be far better to just go to sleep in the arms of his family, to make him feel safe. I don't know if I will be there, I don't know if I could handle it. I feel so guilty because my Mom will go, she will stroke his ear, she will be there because, like she told me 'What kind of mother would I be if I wasn't there for him?' But me . . . I'm too scared. In my heart I want to, but I am so afraid. I want to imagine him how he was -- just a black beauty -- healthy if not a bit on the pudgy side. A face and floppy ears that could totally make your heart melt. He was just as much my baby as anybody elses, but I am so afraid of death . . . I don't want to see him die.
I don't know whats out there. It was easier when I was Christian, when I could just be happy in knowing he was going somewhere far better then this shit hole can be sometimes. I just hope that its like the movie What Dreams May Come. That somewhere he will be running around in a field of tall grass made of paint, the colors swirling with that soft ebony fur coat. I hope he see's Chewie again, and that both of them are happy in there reunion and looking down at us, and at Chye and how much of a dufus she really is, heh.
I love you Cody, and I'll miss you forever.