Update
I am writing this little note to update friends and foes on the current state of moi.
Long story short: I have decided to take a one-year leave of absence from San Francisco Conservatory of Music. To some this might seem like a wild and dangerous decision-- I assure you it is not. I still have my fat scholarship waiting for me next year if I choose to return. I have a high GPA and am not dropping out or running away. I simply do not feel like this is a good (enough) place for me for the time being. I am paying my own way, so I cannot act in a complacent manner when it comes to my finances and my time. If it is worth it for me to return next year-- if this is really where I want to be-- then I will.
Part of me feels like I am still living out a thread of my life that I have lost connection with. I've continued weaving this thread because of outside approval and encouragement as well as my awful perfectionism. I still love singing. I still want to work with Cathy. I will work on my voice until the day I die; it's my Everest. But as far as school? This place doesn't excite me. I don't burn for the music I'm singing. I get more excited by little side projects than the "big shows" here. Maybe it's because they don't feel big. This music feels dusty. I don't know if I care enough about it to spend my entire life breathing into it.
Instead of crossing my fingers, closing my eyes, and plodding along to someone else's beat, I choose to accept where I am right now and open my life up to new possibilities. Or are they old possibilities? Possibilities that existed before I woke up in this masochistic and ego-filled world of opera? Possibilities that disappeared with that first shred of adolescent doubt?
Maybe.
I'm young, irreverent, and way too self-involved to ignore me.
<3
Long story short: I have decided to take a one-year leave of absence from San Francisco Conservatory of Music. To some this might seem like a wild and dangerous decision-- I assure you it is not. I still have my fat scholarship waiting for me next year if I choose to return. I have a high GPA and am not dropping out or running away. I simply do not feel like this is a good (enough) place for me for the time being. I am paying my own way, so I cannot act in a complacent manner when it comes to my finances and my time. If it is worth it for me to return next year-- if this is really where I want to be-- then I will.
Part of me feels like I am still living out a thread of my life that I have lost connection with. I've continued weaving this thread because of outside approval and encouragement as well as my awful perfectionism. I still love singing. I still want to work with Cathy. I will work on my voice until the day I die; it's my Everest. But as far as school? This place doesn't excite me. I don't burn for the music I'm singing. I get more excited by little side projects than the "big shows" here. Maybe it's because they don't feel big. This music feels dusty. I don't know if I care enough about it to spend my entire life breathing into it.
Instead of crossing my fingers, closing my eyes, and plodding along to someone else's beat, I choose to accept where I am right now and open my life up to new possibilities. Or are they old possibilities? Possibilities that existed before I woke up in this masochistic and ego-filled world of opera? Possibilities that disappeared with that first shred of adolescent doubt?
Maybe.
I'm young, irreverent, and way too self-involved to ignore me.
<3