Patches to ashes, Guts to dust
It's now the second week of inconsistent sleep. I had begun hoping that once things calmed down a bit, once normality had been restored, my mind would...well, at least it would let me sleep. Things were a bit easier on me last night. I crashed my skateboard yesterday on my way to the theater. (Granted I could have driven to the theater, but I'm trying to excersize more in hopes that it will wear me out enough to get me to sleep) I always used to sleep better when I had hurt myself. The worse the injury, the more my body needed to heal, and consequentially the more easily and deeply I would sleep. That got me up from two hours to five...It's a start. If I can steadily maintain four hours I'll be at normality for balancing work and social obligation...
What a strange thought. I still consider it social obligation even though I only really hang out with two people. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate my boys, well in two very different ways. Josh is great for talking to, and though our mentalities are mildly contrasting we tend to share well at least some tennants of a localized code. Mike on the other hand I can't really talk to on a deep level. I see his soul as too young. I find him a nice challenge though. It's like, when we fight, it's not us that's fighting, it's not the strength of our bokken or arms or speed that decides the outcome. Each of us has developed our own style based on what we believe in, and in that way it is not us- it is chaos and order, it is honor against lethality. In those moments I cease to be, I become an extension of the blade cold and calculating. At times I just need that oblivion.
I'm not sure why I've been so antisocial. It's not that I...okay, it is that I don't like people. Why? I don't know. I think I've just become sick of society. I've always had to long term outcomes in mind for my life. They are almost completely contradictory. The first, being a slowly diing remnant of my heart. I'll spare you the details, though whether it's for your sake, or because I hold so much bitterness at myself over it...who is to say. The second I used to joke about as a child, and fear as I came to feel I needed people in my life. Now where am I? I seriously consider a future where I will leave the world behind and live in seclusion. I'm not sure if it's what I want, or just something I've come to accept.
I've stopped looking for a job for this month. Well, I'm not sure what to say about that. I mean technically when it comes down to my taxes and what not, I am a self-contractor. I get contacted for photo shoots, theater contracts and what not. I've made enough to get by since July. Hell, I"m living a child's dream. When did it stop being mine? It's fun, don't get me wrong. I still can't understand why they're paying me for this. Clearly this has become my temporary career. I am not satisfied though.
What do I want?...okay, feasibly, when you take out all that I have beaten into my heart, and get past all the bitterness...What I want.....I want to believe in the world. I want MY innocence back. My heart isn't dead, my dreams aren't gone...I've just...I've given-up on myself. Every dream I was told I wasn't good enough for growing up has settled. In the end, it's settled into my heart. I hear the berrating insults when I try to sleep, remember the abandonments, and regret the secrets I have had to keep that others may benefit at expenses that though I try to hide it, I have never been able to bare. It was so important to me...one of the only two things...
In spite of how much goes on inside, and how much I have hidden- despite that voice inside that reminds me of the monster I am capable of being...I still want to help to save this world, and yet I know.....I am not enough. I wasn't enough. I don't know that I will ever be, but the need is the same. There's just a feeling, a completion that comes from fighting this impossible fight. Just the little victories, helping a child to believe in human decency, or being able to provide a roof for a friend who needs a home...for those little moments that will probably end up meaning nothing in the long run...I want to do more though. I want to aggressively change things. To do that, I will need to ally myself with others. I believe in my heart that everyone will leave, and thusly that I am expendable. I inform everyone who starts to get close to me of this, and let them know that when they do leave or fade away that I will not begrudge them for it.
The struggle lies in this...How do I undo this complex enough to return to that ever painful light. Forget, and you repeat the same mistakes and dishonor those lost. You lose the love that made life worthwhile. Remember and you must face that which you have lost, and that which you will inevitably lose...but is there more...there has to be. There has to be a way to convince myself there is some glimmer of that childlike hope and faith that I could rely on someone other than God and myself....
The end of the year is coming. I said this in February, and it remains present still, this has been the year of blessing. I have made my peace with God. I have come to understand my failures, and because of them, I have come to understand that which left me so undone. Firstly, I need God in my life, every day, everywhere, always. The second, is that God is there, will always be, and has always been there. The greatest blessings this year weren't in the opportunities opened, or the gifts given, or the prayers met, but in this realization.
So comes to close a year of blessing, or to put it another way the end of the year that God softened my heart. Perhaps there will be other great years to come: a year of second chances, a year of redemption, or perhaps a year of making a difference. To those who read this, whether you know me or don't, and whether you care or not, I wish you well.
What a strange thought. I still consider it social obligation even though I only really hang out with two people. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate my boys, well in two very different ways. Josh is great for talking to, and though our mentalities are mildly contrasting we tend to share well at least some tennants of a localized code. Mike on the other hand I can't really talk to on a deep level. I see his soul as too young. I find him a nice challenge though. It's like, when we fight, it's not us that's fighting, it's not the strength of our bokken or arms or speed that decides the outcome. Each of us has developed our own style based on what we believe in, and in that way it is not us- it is chaos and order, it is honor against lethality. In those moments I cease to be, I become an extension of the blade cold and calculating. At times I just need that oblivion.
I'm not sure why I've been so antisocial. It's not that I...okay, it is that I don't like people. Why? I don't know. I think I've just become sick of society. I've always had to long term outcomes in mind for my life. They are almost completely contradictory. The first, being a slowly diing remnant of my heart. I'll spare you the details, though whether it's for your sake, or because I hold so much bitterness at myself over it...who is to say. The second I used to joke about as a child, and fear as I came to feel I needed people in my life. Now where am I? I seriously consider a future where I will leave the world behind and live in seclusion. I'm not sure if it's what I want, or just something I've come to accept.
I've stopped looking for a job for this month. Well, I'm not sure what to say about that. I mean technically when it comes down to my taxes and what not, I am a self-contractor. I get contacted for photo shoots, theater contracts and what not. I've made enough to get by since July. Hell, I"m living a child's dream. When did it stop being mine? It's fun, don't get me wrong. I still can't understand why they're paying me for this. Clearly this has become my temporary career. I am not satisfied though.
What do I want?...okay, feasibly, when you take out all that I have beaten into my heart, and get past all the bitterness...What I want.....I want to believe in the world. I want MY innocence back. My heart isn't dead, my dreams aren't gone...I've just...I've given-up on myself. Every dream I was told I wasn't good enough for growing up has settled. In the end, it's settled into my heart. I hear the berrating insults when I try to sleep, remember the abandonments, and regret the secrets I have had to keep that others may benefit at expenses that though I try to hide it, I have never been able to bare. It was so important to me...one of the only two things...
In spite of how much goes on inside, and how much I have hidden- despite that voice inside that reminds me of the monster I am capable of being...I still want to help to save this world, and yet I know.....I am not enough. I wasn't enough. I don't know that I will ever be, but the need is the same. There's just a feeling, a completion that comes from fighting this impossible fight. Just the little victories, helping a child to believe in human decency, or being able to provide a roof for a friend who needs a home...for those little moments that will probably end up meaning nothing in the long run...I want to do more though. I want to aggressively change things. To do that, I will need to ally myself with others. I believe in my heart that everyone will leave, and thusly that I am expendable. I inform everyone who starts to get close to me of this, and let them know that when they do leave or fade away that I will not begrudge them for it.
The struggle lies in this...How do I undo this complex enough to return to that ever painful light. Forget, and you repeat the same mistakes and dishonor those lost. You lose the love that made life worthwhile. Remember and you must face that which you have lost, and that which you will inevitably lose...but is there more...there has to be. There has to be a way to convince myself there is some glimmer of that childlike hope and faith that I could rely on someone other than God and myself....
The end of the year is coming. I said this in February, and it remains present still, this has been the year of blessing. I have made my peace with God. I have come to understand my failures, and because of them, I have come to understand that which left me so undone. Firstly, I need God in my life, every day, everywhere, always. The second, is that God is there, will always be, and has always been there. The greatest blessings this year weren't in the opportunities opened, or the gifts given, or the prayers met, but in this realization.
So comes to close a year of blessing, or to put it another way the end of the year that God softened my heart. Perhaps there will be other great years to come: a year of second chances, a year of redemption, or perhaps a year of making a difference. To those who read this, whether you know me or don't, and whether you care or not, I wish you well.