Day Two
I have begun the cleansing that I promised myself this Summer. It's been nearly two years since I allowed anger to consume my heart. It's shameful that I relied on the strength of such darkness to sustain me. I have struggled for months to overcome it, debating what was right.
My desire is to restore the barriers within my heart and mind. To know the unending peace and patience that the divine layed down to get me through my cause. Unfortunately the genetic temperment and rage that is nature to me have lead me far from what I once was. It is because of this gap, and the volatile nature that I have allowed to consume portions of my heart in the name of survival, that I believe it will take months off meditation before I am whole again.
The Summer has begun. The students are leaving slowly which is giving me the peace required to begin my journey. Again I seek strength from the divine to guide me on my journey. My family has a custom when we seek guidance- you take a bible and you surround yourself with the spirit letting go of all distractions. When I opened the bible without my eyes the scripture that appeared was on consecrating as though for a priest.
I prayed on it for a couple hours yesterday, and today I continued my meditation. I hope to find awakening. After praying yesterday I felt a bit of release as a shooting star crossed the sky. It's been a long time since I've seen one.
UNfortunately the nightmares have also returned. Not as bad as before, but the concept is the same. Someone or something is trying to kill me. I run, or hide, but there is no escape. Instead I find myself going through a maze of mutilated tortured souls. Bodies resemblent of Dante spring to life following me. I thought I had escaped, but the dream ended as a knife was plunged into my back.
Normally I wouldn't think anything of it, but two hours later when I started to fall back asleep, the faces were there waiting for me. Part of why I sought my darker strengths was because of the sleep deprivation and weight loss caused from reoccuring nightmares ending in voilant spasms and vomiting. I hope that this is not a sign of thigns to come.
What's important is to remember the goal. No matter the consequences, I must restore what light exists inside of me. It is time once again to claim my destiny and truly surrender myself to the cause. If you are a religious friend please pray that I will be blessed through this struggle and be rid of my malice once more. If you are not religious but still a friend, please remember that I love you all, and I am sorry if I seem distant for the time being. It is neccessary to be alone through this. I was born alone. I will die alone. In the end all that is left is God and the honor I can bring to the cause.