Changes
When I was a kid, I got this illness called Giardiasis (not sure of the spelling). The medication they gave me for it really screwed me up. It made everything taste gross and it made my throat really sensitive so that a lot of foods made me gag and often throw up. I couldn't swallow tablets, so my mum used to crush them up in honey. I HATE honey now. I remember being so terrified of food. I hated meal times and I had a million ways to get rid of food without eating it. The physical effects of the drugs wore off pretty quick, I think, but the fear and hatred of food stayed with me until I was a teenager. That fear faded away, but I could never bring myself to eat properly. I can't remember ever having had a 'healthy' relationship with food. It's always been, in some way or another, an enemy.
But something new has happened lately. It's like a part of me has split off. Or maybe something else has moved in. I'm not really sure. But whatever it is, this part just hates the rest of me. I've always been hard on myself (and I still am) but this other thing is different. It hovers above all of that other stuff and it is completely out of my control.
It looks out of my eyes and judges the people around me. All these nasty thoughts run through my head. But it's not like I'm thinking them, it's more like I'm listening to someone else's conversation.
It's making me really paranoid too. I can't eat out anymore. I just tried to have a coffee with my mum at this festival thing we went to and I couldn't get past 2 sips cos it told me that I had no way of knowing whether they'd really used skim milk. And even if they had, it's still too many calories. So mum ended up having my coffee too. I don't know why, but this didn't make her the slightest bit suspicious. Normally she'd be worried about why I wasn't drinking it. I lined up to get something to eat, but I just couldn't handle it and I had to walk away. I even feel guilty about having gum now - 5 totally unnecessary calories in each piece.
When I got home, I had to record my two sips of coffee as being half a cup of coffee with full fat milk cos I'm terrified of underestimating my calorie count for the day. I guess I've always done that though - better safe than sorry.
Up until recently, I've been one to restrict moderately and exercise HEAPS. But now every bit of food is a struggle. I should be happy, cos it's got me off my plateau and I'm losing again, but I feel out of control. I love it, but am scared at the same time, if that makes any sense.
But something new has happened lately. It's like a part of me has split off. Or maybe something else has moved in. I'm not really sure. But whatever it is, this part just hates the rest of me. I've always been hard on myself (and I still am) but this other thing is different. It hovers above all of that other stuff and it is completely out of my control.
It looks out of my eyes and judges the people around me. All these nasty thoughts run through my head. But it's not like I'm thinking them, it's more like I'm listening to someone else's conversation.
It's making me really paranoid too. I can't eat out anymore. I just tried to have a coffee with my mum at this festival thing we went to and I couldn't get past 2 sips cos it told me that I had no way of knowing whether they'd really used skim milk. And even if they had, it's still too many calories. So mum ended up having my coffee too. I don't know why, but this didn't make her the slightest bit suspicious. Normally she'd be worried about why I wasn't drinking it. I lined up to get something to eat, but I just couldn't handle it and I had to walk away. I even feel guilty about having gum now - 5 totally unnecessary calories in each piece.
When I got home, I had to record my two sips of coffee as being half a cup of coffee with full fat milk cos I'm terrified of underestimating my calorie count for the day. I guess I've always done that though - better safe than sorry.
Up until recently, I've been one to restrict moderately and exercise HEAPS. But now every bit of food is a struggle. I should be happy, cos it's got me off my plateau and I'm losing again, but I feel out of control. I love it, but am scared at the same time, if that makes any sense.