pug roast
A CHRISTMAS PRESENT
• Homage Roasting On An Open Fire... •
THE PUG OF WAR PACED THE ROOM, a fresh Jamba Juice® smoothie in his hand. His brow was furrowed with concern. The Soop of Geek sat in front of a computer monitor nearby, typing frantically.
"It doesn't make any sense," Ef said and sipped from his smoothie. "Why would you and I be together in the same entry?"
Without looking away from the screen, El said, "Like you don't regularly have guest appearances in your journal from people you've never met?"
Ef considered this. Ef considered his smoothie. "Touché. But this is your journal. Why are you calling yourself 'El'? And what's with this Soop of Geek business? That's just stupid."
"It's an experiment," El said. "And a tribute."
The sound of sucking air came from Ef's straw as he drained the last of his smoothie. "I just don't think people are going to get it. Let's forget the fact that we only have a handful of mutual friends who would appreciate the parody. It's too surreal on top of that. Watching a LiveJournal entry being written by the people in the LiveJournal entry? And I would never say Touché. That's not how I roll, playa."
[I think some of you will get it. - ed.]
Ef looked wildly around. "Who are you talking to?"
"Nobody," El said and kept typing.
LATER, EF ENJOYED A HOT POCKET® on the couch while Parker Posey scratched his ears. Eva Longoria sat on the other side of him, fanning him with a palm leaf.
"Ok, now you're just being ridiculous," Ef said. "And I'd never have Eva Longoria in one of my entries." Eva Longoria rolled her eyes.
"Fine!" El said and petulantly tapped the backspace key one letter at a time. He paused and pondered a moment, then typed some more. Kate Beckinsale wiped some Hot Pocket® sauce from Ef's chin.
"Hey, that's pretty sweet," Ef said. "Can I try it?"
"Sure," El said getting up from the desk. Ef trotted to the computer and El sat down on the couch. "But Michelle Rodriguez instead of Parker Posey?"
"SHYEAH, LIKE THAT WOULD HAPPEN," The Pug of War muttered.
13:47 EST - Soopageek's Fevered Imagination
I'm sitting on the couch while Michelle Rodriguez scratches my ears. pugofwar is here, too, playing around on the computer. Pug sure is awesome. He's a swell guy. When I grow up, I wanna be just.like.him. "Very funny," I said to Pug. "C'mon, surely you're capable of something more than high school humor?" Pug looked at me and said, "Oh, like yours wasn't?" Pug typed some more on the computer and I sucked down a tasty Gold Peak tea, thought about how much I missed welfy, then pleasured myself while rolling around in a bunch of shoetree pictures. I said, "And you thought I was being ridiculous?" Pug sighed, "Ok."
ichelle Rodriguez was giving me a hickey when a horde of pirates burst into the room. They tore her away from the love bruise forming on my neck and proceeded to plunder.
"Arrr, y'scurvy dawg. Stay where ye arrrrre," the biggest, burliest of them said to me. The sword in my face was blood-stained, but sharp.
Just then, pugofwar crashed through the window; a knife was between his teeth and a 9mm was in his hand, held sideways like a true gangsta. "Lmmf th huhthey," he started. He spat the knife on to the floor and tried again. "Let the honey go before somebody gets smoked, yo." He cocked the slide on the gun for dramatic effect and snarled through his gleaming platinum grill.
"Tarnation!" I exclaimed. "You better do what he says before he opens a ding-danged can o' whoopass on you!"
"I THINK YOU SHOULD LEAVE THE SOUTHERN CHARM TO THE NATIVE," The Soop of Geek said with a chuckle. "Really. Tarnation? Ding danged?"
The Pug of War looked confused. "How did... what.. I wasn't done!" he stammered.
"You weren't really doing anything to begin with. This isn't your journal," El said.
"I can't believe I fell for that," Ef said.
The Devil walked past the open door. He curled his yellowed nails around the edge of the door jamb as he leaned his head into the room. He spoke in a raspy voice, as dark and cold as his charcoal soul.
"I FELL ONCE."
• Homage Roasting On An Open Fire... •
THE PUG OF WAR PACED THE ROOM, a fresh Jamba Juice® smoothie in his hand. His brow was furrowed with concern. The Soop of Geek sat in front of a computer monitor nearby, typing frantically.
"It doesn't make any sense," Ef said and sipped from his smoothie. "Why would you and I be together in the same entry?"
Without looking away from the screen, El said, "Like you don't regularly have guest appearances in your journal from people you've never met?"
Ef considered this. Ef considered his smoothie. "Touché. But this is your journal. Why are you calling yourself 'El'? And what's with this Soop of Geek business? That's just stupid."
"It's an experiment," El said. "And a tribute."
The sound of sucking air came from Ef's straw as he drained the last of his smoothie. "I just don't think people are going to get it. Let's forget the fact that we only have a handful of mutual friends who would appreciate the parody. It's too surreal on top of that. Watching a LiveJournal entry being written by the people in the LiveJournal entry? And I would never say Touché. That's not how I roll, playa."
[I think some of you will get it. - ed.]
Ef looked wildly around. "Who are you talking to?"
"Nobody," El said and kept typing.
LATER, EF ENJOYED A HOT POCKET® on the couch while Parker Posey scratched his ears. Eva Longoria sat on the other side of him, fanning him with a palm leaf.
"Ok, now you're just being ridiculous," Ef said. "And I'd never have Eva Longoria in one of my entries." Eva Longoria rolled her eyes.
"Fine!" El said and petulantly tapped the backspace key one letter at a time. He paused and pondered a moment, then typed some more. Kate Beckinsale wiped some Hot Pocket® sauce from Ef's chin.
"Hey, that's pretty sweet," Ef said. "Can I try it?"
"Sure," El said getting up from the desk. Ef trotted to the computer and El sat down on the couch. "But Michelle Rodriguez instead of Parker Posey?"
"SHYEAH, LIKE THAT WOULD HAPPEN," The Pug of War muttered.
13:47 EST - Soopageek's Fevered Imagination
I'm sitting on the couch while Michelle Rodriguez scratches my ears. pugofwar is here, too, playing around on the computer. Pug sure is awesome. He's a swell guy. When I grow up, I wanna be just.like.him. "Very funny," I said to Pug. "C'mon, surely you're capable of something more than high school humor?" Pug looked at me and said, "Oh, like yours wasn't?" Pug typed some more on the computer and I sucked down a tasty Gold Peak tea, thought about how much I missed welfy, then pleasured myself while rolling around in a bunch of shoetree pictures. I said, "And you thought I was being ridiculous?" Pug sighed, "Ok."
ichelle Rodriguez was giving me a hickey when a horde of pirates burst into the room. They tore her away from the love bruise forming on my neck and proceeded to plunder.
"Arrr, y'scurvy dawg. Stay where ye arrrrre," the biggest, burliest of them said to me. The sword in my face was blood-stained, but sharp.
Just then, pugofwar crashed through the window; a knife was between his teeth and a 9mm was in his hand, held sideways like a true gangsta. "Lmmf th huhthey," he started. He spat the knife on to the floor and tried again. "Let the honey go before somebody gets smoked, yo." He cocked the slide on the gun for dramatic effect and snarled through his gleaming platinum grill.
"Tarnation!" I exclaimed. "You better do what he says before he opens a ding-danged can o' whoopass on you!"
"I THINK YOU SHOULD LEAVE THE SOUTHERN CHARM TO THE NATIVE," The Soop of Geek said with a chuckle. "Really. Tarnation? Ding danged?"
The Pug of War looked confused. "How did... what.. I wasn't done!" he stammered.
"You weren't really doing anything to begin with. This isn't your journal," El said.
"I can't believe I fell for that," Ef said.
The Devil walked past the open door. He curled his yellowed nails around the edge of the door jamb as he leaned his head into the room. He spoke in a raspy voice, as dark and cold as his charcoal soul.
"I FELL ONCE."