(no subject)

[sooolastsummr]

Ever since last night i haven't felt the same, i feel so dazed out and kinda numb..dont know what kinda numb though. I was thinking a lot, thinking always confuses me. I hate it, so much. A lot of stuff seems to be falling apart, like i dno- my family has never been stable, but shit seems sooo much worse. I need money a lot more, and i need a job. I fucked up our phone bill. It was so much money, and we dont have enough to pay for it, because of me. My brother is such a asshole, alll he does is fucking complain and sleep and bitch at my mom for stupid shit, I wish he would just move. He's fuckin 23 and he lives here, hes going to be 24. And, my older sister- shes 21..has a kid, yea my brother aslso has 2, my sister takes her of hers, but matt dosnt do shit. I hate my family sometimes. Not my mom and dad though, i will always love them, but my brother and sisters. I can't deal with them so much. Shits too crazy, i really just wanna run somewhere and cry. Though, my mom seems to hate me sometimes, a lot of the time. She yells at my dad for shit, like i kno i do stuff wrong, and she bitches so much about it. What the fuck am i supposed to do? I can't just listen to anyone, im my own person now, i feel like ive grown up alone. Like, i did evertyhing on my own, which i no isnt true, it just feels like that. Right now, i am doing everything on my own...i feel very weird though. I love my boyfriend and i feel like things will be good with him for a very long time. He is keeping me going right now, him. And claire. I'd say the friends that i do have, my closest..which would be claire and rick, i love them so much its hard to understand. I kno i piss them off, but thats just me, im stupid and gooofy. I have a very active imagination, and i can be very violent. i guess i dont kno. I just wish i was older, and had my license and a car to drive. I dont have a car anymore for sure bc annie gets it back. and mostly cuz we dont have money to pay for anything, so fuck it. i really dont care about anything but my friends. School, is HARD. Money is ever so needed, i dont kno what to do. I feel like im guna suck at life if i dont buy rick something so amazing, i mean..i kno love isnt about material stuff. at all..i hate when peopel think that, im prolly being hypocritacal there though. But, i just wanna get him soemthing he'll never ferget, that dsnt necasarrily mean it has to be costy, but w/e i dno. I just want him to kno that i truly fucking love him. and its absolutly crazy for me. I thought i loved Alan but no, i didnt at all. the feelings i have for rick and share with rick are so amazing and on such a higher and different level. I hope they stay for a long time. I want to get to kno him a lot, i wanna be more n more comfy with him. i want him to be comfy with me. I have nown rick for a long time now though, like since november. And it feels liek weve been together since then and have broken up. Cuase he stopped liking me for a little bit. I have to say i really felt liek shit when he didnt and i was so co nfused and lost and i dno what. it was a bad feeling. but, i guess shit happens. and i am just so happy me n him are together now. I fell inlove with his personlatiy 1st, he has an amazing personality. seriously so amazing....like b4 we even liked e/o we were both so good to e/o and i dno for me to care so much for one person that much not even dating them...trust me when i say its crazy. i love hugging him and kisssing him. talking to him is very sweet to. we havent, until recently sat n talked. just the 2 of us. IT was so nice, i felt like i go to no him better, and i wanna do that a lot more. i feel it helps me get to kno him more and my self in a way. Cause, right now..at this moment, i dont kno who exactly i am. I dont kno if i wanna no. all i kno is that i am happy with my boyfriend and claire. maybe not all the way happy with my life and how i am and who i am. but w/e i have time to fix that i hope. I wanna be able to just be cool, and have a likeable personality. not to bubbly but atleast funny. i use to be...but i dno what happned. life is random, and fucked up. i wanna be gorgeous, i wanna be famous. i want to be rich. i am inlove. i wanna be me, i wanna find me. but right now, im jsut gunna live.

i still feel like i have so much more to say...but i dont kno- i dont want to. I want to be normal now.

<3rick<3

claire u'z a hoe..HOE. yeeyuh, i sed dat u'z a hoe. love ya!