he said i should have lied
i am sick of feeling like josh is cheating on me. i am so paranoid sometimes. god. why can't he stop looking at porn? why can't i trust him? i am having scary thoughts about not wanting to be married to him. I am terrified of what is to come in our lives. he is a time bomb to me. searching myspace for a secret profile that doesn't exist. god, i am so pathetic. when are things going to come tumbling down? next week? next year? 20 years from now? they will. I know it. I know it like you know you will die one day. it is inevitable. just like everything else in life crumbles down. then i have to pick up the pieces. pick up the pieces and rebuild. but not quite a sturdy as the last one. no. shakier, crooked.
i am sitting here right now watching him do homework. homework, ha. how long will this charade last? i really had faith that this time would be different. but, i am already beginning to see the all too familiar pattern. of course i am. do i make this happen? is it me or is he really just the unmotivated jerk i think he is? i hope i am wrong. do i? ...yes.
what is he going to lie to me about next? who knows. I might not catch him. i have caught him in so many lies. so, how many escaped me? tons. i'm sure. although i am psychic. well, half psychic i say. at least in regards to josh. i wish i was oblivious. no i don't. maybe. fuck.
god, i am deep down in the pit of my brain. where insecurities and misperceptions and worst fears lie. i am usually not here. i might skim the outskirts sometimes, but i do not enter. on purpose. i run away. run to the oblivious. run to the other hell. to the happy hell. ha, happy hell. jesus.
this isn't fair. i am supposed to be happy. we are supposed to be happy. who am i kidding. i knew. i knew. fuck, i knew. i did this. i did this from the time we met. he wasn't to be trusted. at first, yes. after, no. not any more. but, i pushed it down. down into the deep part. there's too much down there. it is starting to boil up. i can't hold it down much longer. if more gets pushed down.. there will be an uprising. what sort of uprising? shit if i know. oooh i will yell. god. will i ever leave? would i? if he did something again? what would it take? I have no respect for myself in regards to this. i have stayed too many times to count. too many lies. too many half lies. too many i probably just let go before i found out they were lies. sigh
he asked me what i am doing. i didn't lie. ha. he wants to know what i am saying. right. he said i shouldn't do it in front of him if i am not going to tell him and he didn't know what i was doing until he asked. He Said I Should Have Lied. ha...
i am sitting here right now watching him do homework. homework, ha. how long will this charade last? i really had faith that this time would be different. but, i am already beginning to see the all too familiar pattern. of course i am. do i make this happen? is it me or is he really just the unmotivated jerk i think he is? i hope i am wrong. do i? ...yes.
what is he going to lie to me about next? who knows. I might not catch him. i have caught him in so many lies. so, how many escaped me? tons. i'm sure. although i am psychic. well, half psychic i say. at least in regards to josh. i wish i was oblivious. no i don't. maybe. fuck.
god, i am deep down in the pit of my brain. where insecurities and misperceptions and worst fears lie. i am usually not here. i might skim the outskirts sometimes, but i do not enter. on purpose. i run away. run to the oblivious. run to the other hell. to the happy hell. ha, happy hell. jesus.
this isn't fair. i am supposed to be happy. we are supposed to be happy. who am i kidding. i knew. i knew. fuck, i knew. i did this. i did this from the time we met. he wasn't to be trusted. at first, yes. after, no. not any more. but, i pushed it down. down into the deep part. there's too much down there. it is starting to boil up. i can't hold it down much longer. if more gets pushed down.. there will be an uprising. what sort of uprising? shit if i know. oooh i will yell. god. will i ever leave? would i? if he did something again? what would it take? I have no respect for myself in regards to this. i have stayed too many times to count. too many lies. too many half lies. too many i probably just let go before i found out they were lies. sigh
he asked me what i am doing. i didn't lie. ha. he wants to know what i am saying. right. he said i shouldn't do it in front of him if i am not going to tell him and he didn't know what i was doing until he asked. He Said I Should Have Lied. ha...