[I don't give a damn about the castle on the hill]
The last week before school starts is always difficult. It's that awkward time stuck between being ready to go back and have something to do, and not ever wanting to leave. Hangouts are fun, and necessary, but bittersweet, and on top of this my particular brand of neurotic means that I'm about as ill-equipped to deal with change as it's possible to be.
...Or, well. I'm ill-equipped to deal with a certain kind of change. Sudden change, I can generally do. I'm good at thinking on the fly, I have a pretty quick reaction time, and sudden crises, while taking huge amounts of Nerve Points out of the neurotic-o-meter that would perpetually hover over my head if I were a Scott Pilgrim character, are usually dealt with aggressively and succinctly. It's these long transitions that keep me awake at night and fuck with my ability to function.
It happens like this: About a week and a half before Liftoff, I start to get moody. I get depressed. I sleep too much or too little. I grouch at people. I can't find the motivation to tag, to play the cello, to leave the house, but staying at home drives me insane and sitting around makes me angrier. I get nervous. I might have a minor anxiety attack. All of these things have happened. About a week before, suddenly my motivation comes back with a vengeance - but only for those things related to departure. I start getting things in order with manic energy. I find myself cleaning the same room twice in a day. I start clearing out space in my mind, I find myself feeling like I've already left - does anyone here get dreams like that? Where you're in one place but you know you're not supposed to be there, or you're somewhere else and it doesn't look familiar in a way that bothers you? Or the ones where you're trying to run forward but no matter how hard you strain you don't move? I get those a lot in the weeks before Liftoff.
I hate it. Not because I don't want to be here, but because I am waging this weird war in my head between never, ever wanting to leave here, wanting to stay with my family and with the beautiful people here all the time, and with knowing that I need to go back, that I want to go back. And it wouldn't be so bad if it didn't fuck up the way I act around people. I look back on last summer, and I realize that so much of the tension I dealt with, the quiet, simmering fights I had with people, was because I spent such a long time with my mind already gone but unwilling to accept that it had left. I worry that that's happening now, and that it will taint my leaving. Another conflict: Between wanting people not to be sad that I'm leaving, and hating the idea that my own behavior will ease the distance.
I feel like I say more dumb shit in the days before Liftoff. I feel like I'm less fun, like I'm less understanding, that I'm so caught up in this time-to-leave mentality that I'm going to miss something important to someone else. Again.
At night, when I sleep restlessly and wake up too early and can't go back to sleep, or worse, wake up in the middle of the night sure I've forgotten something - then, I really wish I were back in Oklahoma, because maybe once I'm there I'll stop being this ridiculous. It's so irritating knowing exactly what's causing my pervasive bad attitude and still not being able to fix it.
All bitching aside: Big Bad Voodoo Daddy was an orgasm of the ears tonight. It made not getting to see Streetlight Manifesto worth it. I saw them, and oh my god. God, I love music. And I do have good news from the past few weeks!! I came out to my sister, and it went great, and I need to have a great big ~FEELINGS POST~ about that! And I'm looking forward so much to seeing my nearest and dearest in the next few days. This will pass, like it always does; but man, if anyone's got a way to prevent this from happening every damn time I move cross-country (it's going to happen at least three more times just in college, for fuck's sake), please! Do share.
I hope you're all doing well, by the way. <3
...Or, well. I'm ill-equipped to deal with a certain kind of change. Sudden change, I can generally do. I'm good at thinking on the fly, I have a pretty quick reaction time, and sudden crises, while taking huge amounts of Nerve Points out of the neurotic-o-meter that would perpetually hover over my head if I were a Scott Pilgrim character, are usually dealt with aggressively and succinctly. It's these long transitions that keep me awake at night and fuck with my ability to function.
It happens like this: About a week and a half before Liftoff, I start to get moody. I get depressed. I sleep too much or too little. I grouch at people. I can't find the motivation to tag, to play the cello, to leave the house, but staying at home drives me insane and sitting around makes me angrier. I get nervous. I might have a minor anxiety attack. All of these things have happened. About a week before, suddenly my motivation comes back with a vengeance - but only for those things related to departure. I start getting things in order with manic energy. I find myself cleaning the same room twice in a day. I start clearing out space in my mind, I find myself feeling like I've already left - does anyone here get dreams like that? Where you're in one place but you know you're not supposed to be there, or you're somewhere else and it doesn't look familiar in a way that bothers you? Or the ones where you're trying to run forward but no matter how hard you strain you don't move? I get those a lot in the weeks before Liftoff.
I hate it. Not because I don't want to be here, but because I am waging this weird war in my head between never, ever wanting to leave here, wanting to stay with my family and with the beautiful people here all the time, and with knowing that I need to go back, that I want to go back. And it wouldn't be so bad if it didn't fuck up the way I act around people. I look back on last summer, and I realize that so much of the tension I dealt with, the quiet, simmering fights I had with people, was because I spent such a long time with my mind already gone but unwilling to accept that it had left. I worry that that's happening now, and that it will taint my leaving. Another conflict: Between wanting people not to be sad that I'm leaving, and hating the idea that my own behavior will ease the distance.
I feel like I say more dumb shit in the days before Liftoff. I feel like I'm less fun, like I'm less understanding, that I'm so caught up in this time-to-leave mentality that I'm going to miss something important to someone else. Again.
At night, when I sleep restlessly and wake up too early and can't go back to sleep, or worse, wake up in the middle of the night sure I've forgotten something - then, I really wish I were back in Oklahoma, because maybe once I'm there I'll stop being this ridiculous. It's so irritating knowing exactly what's causing my pervasive bad attitude and still not being able to fix it.
All bitching aside: Big Bad Voodoo Daddy was an orgasm of the ears tonight. It made not getting to see Streetlight Manifesto worth it. I saw them, and oh my god. God, I love music. And I do have good news from the past few weeks!! I came out to my sister, and it went great, and I need to have a great big ~FEELINGS POST~ about that! And I'm looking forward so much to seeing my nearest and dearest in the next few days. This will pass, like it always does; but man, if anyone's got a way to prevent this from happening every damn time I move cross-country (it's going to happen at least three more times just in college, for fuck's sake), please! Do share.
I hope you're all doing well, by the way. <3