[well the sun she fell and I fell for you]
I say! How many weeks has it been since I posted a long, whiny, introspective rant? It's been longer than I thought. I guess now that all my papers are done and my workload is lessened and my mom is okay and, y'know, all my real problems are taken care of, I'm due for some Angst.
So. Nine months after the ending of my last relationship, four months after the drama died down, and three months after I moved 1200 miles and got my head back on straight, I feel confident enough in myself, happy enough in my life choices, and supported enough by everything around me to seek out a relationship. This, for the vast majority of people in the world, is not that huge a thing. For me, it's a Big Fucking Deal, because it is something I am horrendously bad at.
Pathetic confession: I've never actually been in this position before. I've been in two relationships, both of which involved people I'd known for at least two years before any romance even happened. Never before in my life have I been actively seeking out a relationship - every time before, they just kind of.... happened. One second everything's normal! Friendly! And from one day to the next I realize that I am in love, and, well, shit. This actually works okay generally, because it removes a lot of work on my part from the equation. It's pretty convenient to fall for people you've known awhile; less guesswork, less striving to learn their ins and outs, less work on the whole building-up-of-trust thing. Granted, this doesn't always work out (sometimes it turns out they've been doing cocaine behind your back the entire time! 8D), but it has, for the most part, worked for me in the past.
And now I am in a situation where this is simply not possible. A long-distance relationship is not in the works for me. There is more than enough long-distance in my life. So, in this whole seeking-out-romance thing, I have only people to work with whom I've known less than half a year. I'm at a point in my own self-confidence that I'm okay with this and ready to get to know someone better; but the issue is that I'm not falling for anyone. And vice versa.
Yes, that is a stupid-ass problem to rant about. Because I typed those words, I will probably fall in deep unrequited love with someone unobtainable sometime this week, or gain a stalker, or develop a crush on my stand partner or something (THOUGH I HOPE TO GOD I DID NOT JUST JINX THAT INTO EXISTENCE). I am so very, very aware of how stupid those words are.
But it's strange. I meet people and think they are attractive, and funny, and smart, and kind; I think to myself Maybe this is the beginning of something! Where are those butterflies? Where is that Connection? But it is not there, and I find I am just trying really hard to feel something more for someone in the dim hope that trying really hard will make it happen. The DB and I talked about this some days back - and he put it better than I could. He said, "I think we're the same way - I'm used to getting what I want. Everything else in my life, I know how to get it - beast the essay, fill out the application, pass the test, make the grades, join the right clubs and talk to the right people, and you know how it is-- then you get into college and get the scholarship you wanted and the grades you worked for, and it's good. But love is the one thing where no amount of effort on your part can just make it happen. You can't fill out an application and get someone to want to be with you."
He's right. It's why I'm floundering so badly in my attempts to build a connection with someone. There's no prescribed way to do it. It does not depend on me. And really, when has it in the past? That kind of connection just happens. I sure as hell wasn't looking for it the times it's happened before. I never would have expected it to spring up where it has. Love, in the past, has left me feeling confused and fortunate and unworthy and grateful - it is not something I can pick out of a lineup, not something I can will into existence. It's better that way. I know it is. A good love is more than worth waiting for. I am simply too used to getting my way, and wishing a little too hard for something special.
Maybe I need to stop looking. Maybe the way that's always worked is the way to go - just get to know people. Learn them over time. Let a connection, if it is going to happen, grow by itself. Remember that relationships have their own set of problems, and that the single life most definitely has its perks. Remember that this is a particularly lonely time of year for me, and this is likely as not just my desperate desire for winter break to start talking.
But I am also glad that I'm at this point. It's a good way to feel. I haven't been confident enough in myself to go looking for a connection before. I still don't want to rush into anything, or start anything I don't intend to make last for a long time. But to want that is a powerful thing for me.
It's a pathetic problem, but in the end one I'm glad to have.
So. Nine months after the ending of my last relationship, four months after the drama died down, and three months after I moved 1200 miles and got my head back on straight, I feel confident enough in myself, happy enough in my life choices, and supported enough by everything around me to seek out a relationship. This, for the vast majority of people in the world, is not that huge a thing. For me, it's a Big Fucking Deal, because it is something I am horrendously bad at.
Pathetic confession: I've never actually been in this position before. I've been in two relationships, both of which involved people I'd known for at least two years before any romance even happened. Never before in my life have I been actively seeking out a relationship - every time before, they just kind of.... happened. One second everything's normal! Friendly! And from one day to the next I realize that I am in love, and, well, shit. This actually works okay generally, because it removes a lot of work on my part from the equation. It's pretty convenient to fall for people you've known awhile; less guesswork, less striving to learn their ins and outs, less work on the whole building-up-of-trust thing. Granted, this doesn't always work out (sometimes it turns out they've been doing cocaine behind your back the entire time! 8D), but it has, for the most part, worked for me in the past.
And now I am in a situation where this is simply not possible. A long-distance relationship is not in the works for me. There is more than enough long-distance in my life. So, in this whole seeking-out-romance thing, I have only people to work with whom I've known less than half a year. I'm at a point in my own self-confidence that I'm okay with this and ready to get to know someone better; but the issue is that I'm not falling for anyone. And vice versa.
Yes, that is a stupid-ass problem to rant about. Because I typed those words, I will probably fall in deep unrequited love with someone unobtainable sometime this week, or gain a stalker, or develop a crush on my stand partner or something (THOUGH I HOPE TO GOD I DID NOT JUST JINX THAT INTO EXISTENCE). I am so very, very aware of how stupid those words are.
But it's strange. I meet people and think they are attractive, and funny, and smart, and kind; I think to myself Maybe this is the beginning of something! Where are those butterflies? Where is that Connection? But it is not there, and I find I am just trying really hard to feel something more for someone in the dim hope that trying really hard will make it happen. The DB and I talked about this some days back - and he put it better than I could. He said, "I think we're the same way - I'm used to getting what I want. Everything else in my life, I know how to get it - beast the essay, fill out the application, pass the test, make the grades, join the right clubs and talk to the right people, and you know how it is-- then you get into college and get the scholarship you wanted and the grades you worked for, and it's good. But love is the one thing where no amount of effort on your part can just make it happen. You can't fill out an application and get someone to want to be with you."
He's right. It's why I'm floundering so badly in my attempts to build a connection with someone. There's no prescribed way to do it. It does not depend on me. And really, when has it in the past? That kind of connection just happens. I sure as hell wasn't looking for it the times it's happened before. I never would have expected it to spring up where it has. Love, in the past, has left me feeling confused and fortunate and unworthy and grateful - it is not something I can pick out of a lineup, not something I can will into existence. It's better that way. I know it is. A good love is more than worth waiting for. I am simply too used to getting my way, and wishing a little too hard for something special.
Maybe I need to stop looking. Maybe the way that's always worked is the way to go - just get to know people. Learn them over time. Let a connection, if it is going to happen, grow by itself. Remember that relationships have their own set of problems, and that the single life most definitely has its perks. Remember that this is a particularly lonely time of year for me, and this is likely as not just my desperate desire for winter break to start talking.
But I am also glad that I'm at this point. It's a good way to feel. I haven't been confident enough in myself to go looking for a connection before. I still don't want to rush into anything, or start anything I don't intend to make last for a long time. But to want that is a powerful thing for me.
It's a pathetic problem, but in the end one I'm glad to have.