[i saw my baby trying hard as babe could try]
I'm pretty swamped right now. Fizzix homework, two research papers underway, lesson juries approaching fast, piano repertoire checks every damn week, coordinating plans for returning to the ATL this winter, taiko, church group obligations. And yet I don't feel like I'm doing enough.
I've dropped the ball pretty hard a few times in the past few weeks. I didn't vote, for one thing, because I'm a dumbass who turned in the absentee registration a day late. I'm so busy getting yanked around by what I'm doing here that I neglect doing things that need to be done back home, like emailing people I say I'm going to email, or calling around to find a new home for my dear lizard (;~;) or keeping my parents updated on what I'm doing.
Eurgh, that's part of it. My parents and I have reached the awkward point where I'm still financially dependent on them in pretty much every way, but have my own life and kind of resent the expectation that I'll tell them every little thing I'm doing. Today I got a call accusing me of dragging my ass regarding my future because clearly I haven't talked to anyone about my major, because I forgot to talk to the one person whose contact info my mom gave me. Yeah, it was hella rude and childish to forget to contact him when he was expecting me to, but he was not the only person I talked to. I've exchanged emails with three or four alumni in my major and done plenty of research - but that information didn't make it into any of the phone calls I've made to my mother.
She called me to tell me how angry she was and embarrassed, and that led to an altercation because damn it, I'm living on my own now! I am nineteen years old! My mother can no longer be held accountable for my mistakes! If I fuck up and don't contact someone she helps me get in touch with, that's my fault! I am the one who gets to be embarrassed! I don't need her to guilt me about how much it bothers HER when really, I don't see why it would reflect badly on her at all! And so it is awkward, because in a strange reversal of the usual parent-child role, I'm the one trying to convince her of this. I kick myself hard enough when I fuck these things up. I'm not dancing through life here. It's just that with this distance between us, my parents only hear about what I fuck up - not about what I do right, because that never becomes a problem worth reporting.
And, well. Some of the political shit I do, I can't really even tell them about. "So, Mom and Dad, this weekend I spoke about bisexuality on a panel at a Sooner Ally training session." That sure as hell didn't make it into any of our conversations. It bothers me that that's the case, but the activist things I do that I'm proud of, they're... not so proud of.
I'm losing sight of the big picture in the face of all this small shit, I think. Homework for classes that have nothing to do with my major, all the minutiae involved in changing majors, and then having to keep all the small things in my head so I remember to tell my mother about them - I'm not doing some very important things, and that's bad. It is causing me to drag my ass on my future. It's easy to think "Oh, none of this will start mattering until next year," but no, that is not true. Not when my intended career is politics. I can't drag my ass on being informed, on making my voice both well-known and associated with intelligence and sensitivity and good sense and being on top of things. I cannot afford to drag my ass, and yet I'm doing it.
Long story short: I'm frustrated with myself my parents are frustrated with me I am a lazyass I am the worst future politician ever blah blah blah. Whine bitch moan complain.
I've dropped the ball pretty hard a few times in the past few weeks. I didn't vote, for one thing, because I'm a dumbass who turned in the absentee registration a day late. I'm so busy getting yanked around by what I'm doing here that I neglect doing things that need to be done back home, like emailing people I say I'm going to email, or calling around to find a new home for my dear lizard (;~;) or keeping my parents updated on what I'm doing.
Eurgh, that's part of it. My parents and I have reached the awkward point where I'm still financially dependent on them in pretty much every way, but have my own life and kind of resent the expectation that I'll tell them every little thing I'm doing. Today I got a call accusing me of dragging my ass regarding my future because clearly I haven't talked to anyone about my major, because I forgot to talk to the one person whose contact info my mom gave me. Yeah, it was hella rude and childish to forget to contact him when he was expecting me to, but he was not the only person I talked to. I've exchanged emails with three or four alumni in my major and done plenty of research - but that information didn't make it into any of the phone calls I've made to my mother.
She called me to tell me how angry she was and embarrassed, and that led to an altercation because damn it, I'm living on my own now! I am nineteen years old! My mother can no longer be held accountable for my mistakes! If I fuck up and don't contact someone she helps me get in touch with, that's my fault! I am the one who gets to be embarrassed! I don't need her to guilt me about how much it bothers HER when really, I don't see why it would reflect badly on her at all! And so it is awkward, because in a strange reversal of the usual parent-child role, I'm the one trying to convince her of this. I kick myself hard enough when I fuck these things up. I'm not dancing through life here. It's just that with this distance between us, my parents only hear about what I fuck up - not about what I do right, because that never becomes a problem worth reporting.
And, well. Some of the political shit I do, I can't really even tell them about. "So, Mom and Dad, this weekend I spoke about bisexuality on a panel at a Sooner Ally training session." That sure as hell didn't make it into any of our conversations. It bothers me that that's the case, but the activist things I do that I'm proud of, they're... not so proud of.
I'm losing sight of the big picture in the face of all this small shit, I think. Homework for classes that have nothing to do with my major, all the minutiae involved in changing majors, and then having to keep all the small things in my head so I remember to tell my mother about them - I'm not doing some very important things, and that's bad. It is causing me to drag my ass on my future. It's easy to think "Oh, none of this will start mattering until next year," but no, that is not true. Not when my intended career is politics. I can't drag my ass on being informed, on making my voice both well-known and associated with intelligence and sensitivity and good sense and being on top of things. I cannot afford to drag my ass, and yet I'm doing it.
Long story short: I'm frustrated with myself my parents are frustrated with me I am a lazyass I am the worst future politician ever blah blah blah. Whine bitch moan complain.