[spinning out in circles]
So I've got advisement and next-semester enrollment coming up in a week or two. I don't want to go in with a vacant look on my face and ask the music adviser what I should do with my life. That can only end badly. So I've got that long to plan out exactly (or near enough to exactly) what my major's going to look like come Spring.
I have discovered this about myself: I have never been good at any one thing. My gift is to love almost everything and to be slightly above-average at pretty much everything I do. I'm a slightly above-average cellist; a slightly above-average taiko drummer; a slightly above-average writer; slightly above-average at learning languages, at understanding literature, at analyzing history; already slightly above-average in my piano class; when I rode, I was a slightly above-average equestrian. I'm a little more creative than most people, I think, but certainly not any kind of genius. Things I try for the first time generally go pretty well and hold my interest for a time, but I have never settled on one thing. That's why I started college as a music major, I think - cello has managed to hold a large portion of my interest longer than anything else I've ever done. It's the only thing I've done where I can make a list of my accomplishments, where I actually accomplished something.
But I'm not going to be able to live like that for four more years. God, even my major is wishy-washy! I'm a Bachelor's of Musical Arts in Cello Performance, with a secondary emphasis in Political Science. So basically I practice enough to stay good but not enough to excel, and learn some bits of polisci without actually committing to a series of courses. It's the same way I've done everything in my life. I can't let myself get tied down by one thing. I can't love just one thing enough to excel in it.
I think that's why I can't commit to a full music major - because it's confining. I couldn't live my life in a practice room, because I love too many damn things. I love music more than anything else I've ever done; but I don't think I love it enough to give up everything else I love.
I think fear comes into this, too. What if I don't excel? What happens when I reach the limits of my dedication? What happens when quick learning and natural talent give out on me and I get to the point that I have to work and possibly fail? Better to try everything once, right? Better to enjoy something while it's still easy. Some things are worth working for, but most things aren't. I have nothing to love late into the night in the light of the midnight candle; I have nothing that keeps me awake with how much I want to do well at it. I have no real plan. Something else good will fall into my lap eventually, right? I'll find something. I have to hit on something permanent soon.
But I can't do that anymore. It's time to stop trying things and settle on one. I don't want to go into my next year with two half-majors. I need to get some damn passion for something. I need to get good at something. Where did that vague dream of going to law school go? Where'd my half-assed dreams of getting into politics end up? Now's the time to start that! Not in four years! Not when I've tried everything else! Now! Dammit, reality's coming up fast and I cannot get mired in my own mediocrity.
There comes a point where you have to stop trying to walk through every door that opens to you. Sometimes you have to pick a damn door and let some of the others close. That's life. Loving something deeply will be a new experience for me, as new as all the small things I have done. It could turn out to be a better new-ness. All I know is: I'm doing no good to the world the way I am. My talents are meager and self-serving, and it's time to find something to love.
(Subscribed to Extra! today; did some research on environmental law and media reform for my polisci classes. This is a start. Damn it, I will make something of this.)
edit:
Played my prepared bit from the Boccherini concerto I'm playing for my lesson today. My teacher sighed, considered a moment, and said:
"Sarah... I want you to be committed to a sound when you play this. You haven't yet decided how you want it to sound, and, well. It's good - I mean, it's in tune, you're shifting correctly and playing in time, but... decide how you want it to sound and then play that decisively. Better that half your audience should hate your interpretation than that none of them should be affected by it."
....Okay so I am officially a walking ball of commitment issues. NEED TO GET ON THIS NOW.
(and isn't it funny how what's bothering you most never shows up in just one part of your life? maybe I need to listen to my own playing more often.)
I have discovered this about myself: I have never been good at any one thing. My gift is to love almost everything and to be slightly above-average at pretty much everything I do. I'm a slightly above-average cellist; a slightly above-average taiko drummer; a slightly above-average writer; slightly above-average at learning languages, at understanding literature, at analyzing history; already slightly above-average in my piano class; when I rode, I was a slightly above-average equestrian. I'm a little more creative than most people, I think, but certainly not any kind of genius. Things I try for the first time generally go pretty well and hold my interest for a time, but I have never settled on one thing. That's why I started college as a music major, I think - cello has managed to hold a large portion of my interest longer than anything else I've ever done. It's the only thing I've done where I can make a list of my accomplishments, where I actually accomplished something.
But I'm not going to be able to live like that for four more years. God, even my major is wishy-washy! I'm a Bachelor's of Musical Arts in Cello Performance, with a secondary emphasis in Political Science. So basically I practice enough to stay good but not enough to excel, and learn some bits of polisci without actually committing to a series of courses. It's the same way I've done everything in my life. I can't let myself get tied down by one thing. I can't love just one thing enough to excel in it.
I think that's why I can't commit to a full music major - because it's confining. I couldn't live my life in a practice room, because I love too many damn things. I love music more than anything else I've ever done; but I don't think I love it enough to give up everything else I love.
I think fear comes into this, too. What if I don't excel? What happens when I reach the limits of my dedication? What happens when quick learning and natural talent give out on me and I get to the point that I have to work and possibly fail? Better to try everything once, right? Better to enjoy something while it's still easy. Some things are worth working for, but most things aren't. I have nothing to love late into the night in the light of the midnight candle; I have nothing that keeps me awake with how much I want to do well at it. I have no real plan. Something else good will fall into my lap eventually, right? I'll find something. I have to hit on something permanent soon.
But I can't do that anymore. It's time to stop trying things and settle on one. I don't want to go into my next year with two half-majors. I need to get some damn passion for something. I need to get good at something. Where did that vague dream of going to law school go? Where'd my half-assed dreams of getting into politics end up? Now's the time to start that! Not in four years! Not when I've tried everything else! Now! Dammit, reality's coming up fast and I cannot get mired in my own mediocrity.
There comes a point where you have to stop trying to walk through every door that opens to you. Sometimes you have to pick a damn door and let some of the others close. That's life. Loving something deeply will be a new experience for me, as new as all the small things I have done. It could turn out to be a better new-ness. All I know is: I'm doing no good to the world the way I am. My talents are meager and self-serving, and it's time to find something to love.
(Subscribed to Extra! today; did some research on environmental law and media reform for my polisci classes. This is a start. Damn it, I will make something of this.)
edit:
Played my prepared bit from the Boccherini concerto I'm playing for my lesson today. My teacher sighed, considered a moment, and said:
"Sarah... I want you to be committed to a sound when you play this. You haven't yet decided how you want it to sound, and, well. It's good - I mean, it's in tune, you're shifting correctly and playing in time, but... decide how you want it to sound and then play that decisively. Better that half your audience should hate your interpretation than that none of them should be affected by it."
....Okay so I am officially a walking ball of commitment issues. NEED TO GET ON THIS NOW.
(and isn't it funny how what's bothering you most never shows up in just one part of your life? maybe I need to listen to my own playing more often.)