i feel a sense of accomplishment when i step off a plane alive...
fuck centering. i don't care if this looks good or not.
i about had a mental breakdown this morning due to stupid cab drivers and fed-ex sucking at life. nonetheless, i made it to the airport and onto the plane. garrett and his mom had the same flight as me. that was a weird coincidence. i don't know how to act when i see him. this whole thing confuses me so much. so, we're friends. i've managed to stay friends with most of my exes, but i've never been ridiculously in love with any of them either. it's different. it's weird. anyway, the flight sucked. i couldn't sleep for the first like 2 hours. the couple next to me were bitches. it was just, whatever.
my mom picked me up from the airport. she met me at baggage claim and just started crying. it makes me really uncomfortable when she cries. i don't know how to react or what to say. we left and immediately my mom started asking me to recap the last 2 months practically day by day. she asked if i was happy to be back and what i missed the most. once we got home i felt weird. bryce was over helping ian with his computer and my mom was getting ready for dinner...i had nothing to do. i didn't know what to do with myself in my own house. it was weird. we all went to caramba's for dinner. i felt better then. we all just talked and laughed and what not.
my little brother, ian, and i went to go see mr. & mrs. smith after dinner. it was nice to spend some time with him. he's gonna be a junior this year and he got his license today. it's weird that he's getting older. he even looks older. we talked and joked and such. he made fun of my driving skills. after not driving for 2 months, it feels like i'm doing it for the first time. i made a few mistakes.
now, i'm at my dad's house. i missed the internet. well, internet for more than like an hour. i was going to go to sonic with chris, but i kind of just wanted to chill here for the night. i have a lot of analyzing to do.
first of all, garrett...i just...i don't know. we went through a bit of rough before he came out to jersey. i hurt him, real bad. i feel terrible about it and think about it all the time. he, in no way, deserved it. i love him more than anything or anyone. you'd figure i would've been more careful, but i wasn't. i was completely careless. he's just so amazing, i can't stand it. i'm lucky that he was mine for as long as he was. it's going to take me a long time to get over him, if i ever do. i don't want to lose him completely, he's become my best friend. i go to him for everything, but i guess i have to stop doing it so much. i spent all my time with him that practically stopped hanging out with my other friends.
speaking of...being in new jersey made me miss all the friends i have here. the first few weeks, maybe month, everything was great. i hung out with kimberly and all the madison guys. i hung out with amanda and erika. i thought everything was going to be fine and i had friends. somehow, by the last few weeks, maybe month, i was there i spent all my time by myself, in my room, watching tv. granted, i did go to garrett's a lot, for several days at a time. something changed, though, i had lost that friendliness or whatever i had with everyone when i first got there. i started to feel completely out of place and like no one wanted me there or even wanted me around. of course, i was right. kimberly later told me that none of the guys really liked me in the first place. anyway, i really hope that i get to hang out with friends here. i miss being surrounded by awesome people that actually want me there.
we'll see how all his goes i guess. maybe i don't belong in new jersey OR arizona.