Tonight (I'm afraid of the dark)
★Title: Tonight (I'm afraid of the dark) for taiyouhana ♡
★Pairing: Kyungsoo/Kris (+Kyungsoo/Luhan)
★Rating: nc-17
★Length: 8,378 words
★Warnings/Disclaimers: angst, cheating, dubcon(?)
★Summary: Kyungsoo knows that Luhan is cheating on him. He just didn't know it would hurt this much.
Kyungsoo has always been a bit of a romantic. Ever since he was little, he wanted a fairy tale romance - an extravagant sweep-you-off-your-feet, make-you-lose-your-breath kind of love.
So when the storm that was Luhan crashed into him, it was everything he had ever hoped for and more. It took a week, two days, and a kiss in front of the entire student body for Kyungsoo to decide it was love.
They were so caught up in each other, most nights spent sneaking behind library bookshelves to exchange touches, the thrill of being caught surging through their veins.
Luhan was Kyungsoo’s dream.
He always knew the things to say that would make Kyungsoo’s heart flutter. His lips were soft and his hands were gentle. Late nights were spent cuddled in mountains of blankets, feeding each other sweet candy and even sweeter kisses. Luhan held Kyungsoo like he was something special, like he was most precious thing in the world.
But college was years ago. People grow, personalities change and Luhan and Kyungsoo were no exceptions. Sometimes life happens, but if you love someone, you have to stick it through - that’s what Kyungsoo keeps telling himself over and over again.
Even now, it’s Luhan’s hand he wants to hold when all his hair has turned white and all his teeth have fallen out. It’s Luhan who he wants to fall asleep beside at night. It’s Luhan who he wants to spend the rest of his life with.
It’s these hopes that keep him pushing on. Even though things aren’t the same as they once were, Kyungsoo is determined to not let things fall apart.
Not if he can help it.
-
“I have to go to Shanghai on business,” Luhan says as he drops his briefcase on the counter and loosens his tie. There seems to be a correlation between the time when Luhan began wearing suits religiously and when their relationship started falling apart.
Kyungsoo would try to fix it, would try to make things go back to the way they used to be, but it’s an accumulation of little problems that don’t mean much in the long run. Luhan would probably tell him that he’s crazy and reading into things if he brought it up.
But Luhan definitely doesn’t hold Kyungsoo quite as tight when they’re lying next to each other, doesn’t lean into the kisses like he used to. They hardly ever have sex and when they do, it’s quick and to the point, like it’s an inconvenience for Luhan and he’s only doing it to appease Kyungsoo until the next time he gets so close to the edge with need he feels like he might explode.
And honestly, he could live without being physical if everything else was good, but it isn’t. He can’t remember the last time the sound of genuine laughter filled their apartment. He can’t even remember the last time they just sat down and talked to each other without it having a specific purpose.
‘”Oh.” Kyungsoo puts down the spoon he had been holding and wipes his hands on his apron. He’s not sure if he’s upset or relieved. Maybe it’s a little of both. “How long will you be gone?”
“A couple of weeks. Maybe more, if the company needs me.”
“When do you leave?”
“Next Monday.”
“Okay,” Kyungsoo says as he turns around and goes back to stirring the soup. “Don’t have too much fun without me,” He jokes, but he can hear the uneasiness in his laugh and hopes Luhan doesn’t notice.
He only sighs tiredly. “I’m going to bed, babe.”
“You’re not going to eat?”
“I ate at the office.”
Kyungsoo pours the soup down the drain and puts up the unused dishes before slipping under the stiff sheets next to Luhan.
-
Lately, it seems as if Luhan’s always away on business.
It’s hard for Kyungsoo, because there’s nothing to do and he gets antsy not having another presence in the house.
He’s noticed that his nerves have been getting worse since quitting his job. He had worked as an event planner for a while, but it was something Luhan hadn’t dubbed a “real job” so he quit at Luhan’s behest.
It wasn’t as if he needed the money; Luhan made enough for the both of them and then some extra, but there were times when Kyungsoo missed working. There was a sense of independence that he would never have from staying at home.
This wasn’t really the life he imagined he’d have when he was in college, but being with Luhan made it all worth it. Kyungsoo supposed that being an adult meant making sacrifices. He’d been with Luhan for almost six years, so the most important thing to him was this relationship.
There’s no way he’ll let that fall apart just because of a little unhappiness on his end.
-
Luhan returns from China but things aren’t quite the same.
He seems even more distant than usual, excusing himself whenever he gets the chance, never staying in the same room as Kyungsoo for longer than a few minutes at a time.
Kyungsoo can’t stand the tension anymore so he goes to bed early and hopes that giving Luhan a little space will ease things up. He can’t fall asleep though, tossing and turning, something in the back of his mind eating at him, but he can’t quite place it.
Luhan slips into bed a few hours later, but puts as much distance between him and Kyungsoo as possible.
Kyungsoo stares blankly ahead at the wall for what seems like hours, willing himself to get some rest but it never comes, so he pads to the kitchen and opens the fridge, downing half a bottle of water in one sip.
Across the room, where it’s charging, Luhan’s phone lights up.
He knows he shouldn’t. He knows it’s a bad idea, but he can’t stop himself.
It’s an almost out-of-body sensation he feels as he picks up the phone and unlocks it. There are a few unread text messages from someone named Yixing and he closes his eyes as he selects one at random and presses enter.
His heart drops as he reads the message and he feels like he might vomit.
He crawls back into bed but he definitely can’t go to sleep, not now. His mind is racing a million miles an hour.
What is he supposed to do?
Does he confront Luhan and let him know that he knows? Does he convince himself that he read it wrong and that everything is still fine? Does he stay and try to repair their broken relationship or does he leave and let the past six years of his life go to waste?
The realization hits him hard in the gut. There’s nowhere for him to go, no one he can confide in. Without meaning to, he had slowly alienated everyone around him.
He had wrapped his life so tightly around Luhan from the beginning that there was never room for anyone else.
-
He drops by Jongin’s without calling. Maybe it’s because there’s a chance Jongin would have told him not to come if he had.
After all, he’s the one Kyungsoo has hurt the most. If there’s anything he regrets about his relationship with Luhan, it’s that it caused him to push away the one person who was the most important to him. The one person that was always there. He had essentially chosen Luhan over Jongin and it’s painful for Kyungsoo to realize what kind of person he’s become.
Kyungsoo stands in front of the door for a good ten minutes before he gathers enough courage to ring the bell. The door swings open and Jongin stands there looking the same as before, except now his hair’s a little longer. He looks good, Kyungsoo thinks.
The shock is evident on his face and Kyungsoo looks down, not wanting to meet Jongin’s eyes. He should have known that he wouldn’t want to see him. The thought crosses his mind that he should just turn around and leave before things get bad but then he’s pulled into a bone-crushing hug.
“You asshole!” Jongin practically yells as he grips Kyungsoo by his shoulders and shakes him. “It’s been for-fucking-ever.” He throws an arm over Kyungsoo’s shoulders and leads him in.
“I missed you man.” The huge grin plastered on his face makes Kyungsoo feel a tiny bit better.
“You too,” Kyungsoo says and it sinks in how much he really has missed Jongin’s loud mouth and familiar touchiness.
Kyungsoo heaves a huge inner sigh of relief. He was crazy to think that Jongin would want nothing to do with him - he’s always been his best friend and nothing can change that.
Jongin leaves Kyungsoo to wander around the living room while he makes some tea or whatever health concoction he’s trying out this week and Kyungsoo’s glad to see that his place hasn’t changed much.
“So why are you here?” It’s not unkind the way Jongin says it - they both know Kyungsoo wouldn’t show up unannounced without a reason.
He collapses on the couch and takes a second before responding. “Luhan’s seeing someone else.”
Jongin’s face quickly transforms into shock. “Are you serious?” he says eventually.
“Yeah, I found some messages on his phone but he doesn’t know I saw them.”
“I’m so sorry, man. I don’t even know what to say,” Jongin says as he slips a warm mug between Kyungsoo’s hands and takes a spot on the couch beside him.
“I don’t either,” Kyungsoo sighs, taking a gulp of whatever’s in the cup and it burns his throat on the way down.
“I never thought he’d do this to me. I guess it was stupid, but it hadn’t ever crossed my mind that he might have someone else.” He stares blankly ahead. He hasn’t even cried yet. Right now all he feels is numbness. He knows he should be angry or upset or sad, but feeling any emotions at the moment takes up too much energy that he doesn’t have.
“No, it wasn’t stupid of you to think that. I mean, I don’t particularly like the guy, but you two were perfect for each other.”
Kyungsoo hums in agreement.
“You can stay here as long as you need to,” Jongin offers.
“I-“ Kyungsoo takes a deep breath. “I think I’m gonna go back, actually.”
Jongin stares at him with wide eyes. “What? Kyungsoo, you can’t.”
“Why can’t I? I love him.”
“Yeah, but he cheated on you.” Kyungsoo visibly flinches, but Jongin presses on. “I’m sorry but if he really loved you then he wouldn’t have fucked you over like this.”
Kyungsoo looks down and plays with the hem of his shirt. “Jongin, please try to understand. I’ve been with him for years. We’ve worked so hard building this life together. I can’t give that up so easily.”
Kyungsoo hates the pity he sees on Jongin’s face when he looks at him. “I’m trying to understand. But above all, I want you to be happy. I want you to be with someone who makes you feel like you’re the greatest thing in the world. You deserve that, Kyungsoo and you’re obviously not getting it from Luhan.”
Kyungsoo feels like he might cry because Jongin’s so sincere, but now he’s even more conflicted than before he came. He puts the empty mug down. “I should go.”
Jongin walks him to the door but stops him just before he leaves. “Whatever decision you make, I’ll support you.”
“Thank you, Jongin.” Kyungsoo smiles and he hopes that Jongin knows how much he really means it.
“And try to stay in touch. You’re still my best friend even though you kinda suck at it.” He laughs and pulls Kyungsoo in for one more hug before he goes.
At least something worked out.
-
When Luhan comes home from work that night, he’s tense and on edge. He looks at Kyungsoo and he immediately knows that Luhan wants sex.
Kyungsoo wonders for a moment how it’s still so easy to read him.
It’s rare that Luhan gets that lustful look in his eyes and Kyungsoo doesn’t want to seem suspicious, so he decides to give in.
"Hey baby," Luhan says as he slips into bed beside him and grips Kyungsoo's face to turn it towards his own. He leans down, his warm lips sliding against Kyungsoo's, forcing his mouth to open beneath his, biting and licking behind teeth.
Kyungsoo takes a deep, shuddering breath but relaxes into the touch, closing his eyes and, against everything his mind is telling him to do, lets himself feel. Luhan’s hands work over the buttons of Kyungsoo's shirt and it slides down his shoulders, pooling beneath him. The cold air hits his chest and he immediately wants to slide beneath the sheets and cover himself, but he makes himself press further into Luhan instead.
Luhan disentangles himself and pushes Kyungsoo down with a soft thud before he leans back to undress at the end of the bed. Kyungsoo allows himself the brief thought that Luhan is still unbearably beautiful even after all this time, with his pale, almost translucent skin and lean muscles that flex when he crawls back over to him.
Luhan captures his lips again and this kiss is just as rough but even more urgent. He works Kyungsoo open quickly before aligning and pressing in.
"You okay?" he asks.
Kyungsoo knows he isn't but nods anyway so Luhan starts to move. He sets an unforgiving pace and Kyungsoo is grateful for it as he bites into Luhan's shoulder to muffle his sobs. Luhan finishes first and pulls out, reaching down to touch Kyungsoo, but before he can, Kyungsoo grabs his wrist, stopping him.
“It’s fine,” he says before getting up and locking himself in the bathroom. He turns the shower on cold and sits in the tub, curled in on himself as the water muffles the sobs wracking his body and washes away his tears.
-
Luhan’s gone on another business trip, this time in Hunan.
Kyungsoo decides that maybe staying home isn’t such a good thing anymore. The apartment is suffocating and his mind can't help but wander to all the things that Luhan might be doing with another man while he isn’t there.
He had noticed the other day that a small art shop had recently opened up downtown and was advertising art lessons. It’s worth giving it a shot at the very least.
He’s itching to be somewhere that’s not the same four walls he looks at every day and as soon as Luhan leaves, he makes his way downtown. Soon, he’s standing in front of a small, white building with a colorful, handpainted sign hanging above the door that reads ‘Ace of Arts.’
He steps in and the comforting smell of paint and freshly cut wood hits him in a wave. He’s the only person in the building apart from a very tall man near the back who is precariously balancing on a stool as he tries to hang up a painting. He doesn’t seem to notice Kyungsoo, so he clears his throat, hoping the man will turn around. Instead, he drops the painting and loses his balance, toppling to the floor with a loud thud.
“Oh,” Kyungsoo yelps and he rushes forward to help the man up. Or tries to at least, but he’s about the size of about two Kyungsoos so it doesn’t really work. “I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you. Are you okay?”
“Yeah,” the man grunts as he picks himself up and dusts his pants off, though Kyungsoo wonders why he’s worried about them getting dirty because they’re already almost completely covered with splotches of dried paint.
He looks down at Kyungsoo and the flush is evident on his cheeks. It’s a little funny, the way the almost childlike embarrassment on his face don’t quite match his sharp, angry-looking features.
“What can I help you with?” he says, obviously trying to draw attention away from his fall.
“I’m here to sign up for art lessons, actually,” Kyungsoo says, gesturing at the huge sign outside.
“Well.” He smiles, revealing blindingly white teeth and it’s like his whole face transforms from that simple action alone. Kyungsoo thinks it’s charming, even if it does show a little too much gum. “Looks like you’re my first student, then.” He reaches out a huge hand and Kyungsoo marvels at how it envelops his own completely as he shakes it. “I’m Kris, by the way.”
“Kyungsoo,” he says, offering his own smile back.
-
Lessons start the next Wednesday and it can’t come soon enough for Kyungsoo. He finds himself itching to be back in the cozy atmosphere of the small art shop.
“Hey,” Kris looks up from his perch on a stool when Kyungsoo walks in, only about fifteen minutes early. “You ready?” he asks.
Kyungsoo shrugs. “Ready as I’ll ever be, I guess.”
“Great, let’s get started then,” Kris says, leading Kyungsoo to an area where two blank canvases are leaning against easels. He pulls up some chairs and gestures for Kyungsoo to sit in one and he takes the other. There’s a whole array of pencils, brushes and paint in front of him.
“For now, “ Kris says, motioning to the supplies. “I want you to create whatever comes to mind.”
“Um, okay.” Kyungsoo lets out a nervous little laugh, but picks up a brush at random and dips it in a bright red before smoothing it across the canvas. It’s a little nerve-wracking, having someone watching over his shoulder, critiquing him like this.
“I’m sorry, I’m bad at this.” He smears some orange on the canvas alongside the red and it just looks like a terrible mess of color. He doesn’t think it could even pass as one of those modern abstract paintings that seem to be all the rage lately.
“This is art. There is no bad or good.”
Kyungsoo gives him a pointed look.
“Well, maybe there is,” Kris relents. “You’ll get there, though. This is only your first lesson.”
Kyungsoo feels a laugh bubbling up and his chest and it’s strange how someone he barely knows can draw this out of him when the person he’s loved for years can’t.
-
Kyungsoo doesn’t check his phone again but he’s more aware than he’s ever been of the subtle changes in Luhan’s behavior.
It’s hard not to notice how often he looks down at his phone and tries to hide a smile or how he excuses himself to take business calls more than normal. Kyungsoo tries to ignore the spike of pain when Luhan comes back and looks a little bit happier than before, but the pressure in his chest keeps building up and every day it’s a little worse than before.
The walls are thin and sometimes Kyungsoo can hear the whispered “I miss you’s” in the other room as he cries himself to sleep.
-
Kyungsoo throws down his brush. “I’m getting worse instead of better.”
Usually, being here puts him in a pretty good mood, but he’s already so on edge plus the paint won’t cooperate with him and that just frustrates him even more. He looks over at Kris and frowns. “I don’t think it’s supposed to work this way.”
Kris walks over to see what he’s done so far. “It takes time. I know you can’t see it, but you are progressing.”
“It doesn’t feel like it.” Kyungsoo pouts and leans his head back, staring blankly up at the ceiling.
“Hey,” Kris says and he pokes Kyungsoo in the shoulder to get his attention. “Let me show you something.”
He leads Kyungsoo to a door towards the back. It opens into a spacious closet and there must be hundreds of canvases, all filled with beautiful colors and scenes.
“Did you do all this?”
Kris flushes pink from the neck up. “Yeah.”
He goes into a far corner and rummages around before pulling out a small black binder and flipping it open to the very back page.
“This is what I wanted to show you,” he says, handing it over to Kyungsoo. “It’s from when I first started.”
Kyungsoo doesn’t know whether to laugh at how horrible it is or be touched that Kris feels comfortable enough to show this to him.
“What do you think?” Kris asks after Kyungsoo doesn’t say anything, just stares at the various shapes that vaguely resemble animals.
“This is really bad,” Kyungsoo says, laughter bubbling up before he can stop it.
“Yeah, it’s pretty terrible.” Kris comes towards him and tilts Kyungsoo’s face up with one long finger so he’s looking in his eyes. “And you’re already so much better than I was when I started. You’ll improve, I promise. But you can’t quit now.”
Kyungsoo remembers all those piano and voice lessons he took as a kid and how he stopped going after only a few months because he was never was good enough in his own mind. He still regrets not sticking it out.
“Alright, I won’t quit,” he promises more to himself than Kris. “But you can’t give up on me either, no matter how slow I am getting there.”
Kris releases a slow, melodic laugh and Kyungsoo’s stomach tightens. “Not a chance.”
-
Luhan comes and goes, but even when he is home, he’s not really there. He doesn't seem to notice that Kyungsoo is falling apart.
Or probably more accurately, he doesn't care anymore.
Kyungsoo’s used to it by now but that doesn’t make it hurt any less.
-
Art lessons become a sort of therapy for Kyungsoo. He looks forward to them, looks forward to seeing Kris more than he should.
But it’s a small thing that makes him happy, at least for the moment, so he’s letting himself be selfish for once.
“So,” Kyungsoo calls out. Kris is in the front arranging stock and Kyungsoo is in the back, trying to paint some fruit. And it does almost look like fruit if you tilt your head the right way.
“Why am I your only student? Are you actually really bad and I just haven’t realized it because I don’t know any better?” Kyungsoo’s been coming for a few weeks now and other than the random shopper who will stop by for supplies every now and then, he hasn’t seen many people.
“Hey,” Kyungsoo can see Kris’s pout all the way from the back and he laughs at how much like a kid he can be at times. “I take offense to that. I am wonderful at what I do.” He finishes up and sits down beside Kyungsoo, watching his poor attempt at outlining an apple. “Look you’re already a pro at this.” He points at the paper in front of Kyungsoo. “This is a perfect orange.”
“It’s a pear.” Kyungsoo’s eyes narrow but he can’t help from laughing at how pitiful it looks.
“That’s what I meant,” Kris says and smiles, his eyes crinkling at the sides.
“But seriously, you haven’t had anyone else sign up for lessons?”
“Mmmm, not yet. I guess most people would rather go to a fancy gallery and sip wine while they pretend to know what art means instead of actually creating something for themselves.”
Kyungsoo nods his head thoughtfully. “My boyfriend’s that type. Used to drag me along to those sorts of things. I was never really into it, though.”
For some reason it’s weird to bring up Luhan when he’s with Kris. They’re two totally opposite parts of his life.
The lines around Kris’s eyes tighten, but he lets out a snort. “What, is he some rich dude with more money than he knows what to do with?”
Kyungsoo thinks Kris is probably joking, but he nods and lets out a small “Yeah, I guess you could say that” anyway.
“Oh.” Kris looks taken aback. “Really?”
“What’s that look for?”
“I don’t know, you just seem like you would go for someone more…”
“More what?”
Kris gets up and goes back to arranging a shelf off to the side. “I don’t know. It’s not fair for me to draw conclusions when I barely even know you.”
Kyungsoo realizes that for some reason he’s… disappointed? Frustrated because he had thought he and Kris had become friends in the short time they’d known each other?
“Yeah, guess you don’t,” Kyungsoo says, harsher than he intends to.
“Look, I didn’t mean it like that. It’s just…we don’t see each other outside of here, so I can’t say that I know what you’re really like.”
It’s true but Kyungsoo finds that he wants to change that. “Do you want to go out for coffee or something, then?”
“Yeah, I’d like that.” Kris’s expression turns warm again and Kyungsoo wants to keep it that way.
-
They end up at a small café far from either of their places, Kyungsoo claiming he needs the exercise but really it’s because he wants more time with Kris; he makes him feel like someone worth knowing and that’s hard to come by lately.
Kris makes sure to not overstep any bounds, which leads to maddening amounts of small talk. It takes some prodding on Kyungsoo’s part but he starts to open up, slowly but surely and in turn Kris asks his own questions.
He finds Kris fascinating and he’s more comfortable around him than anyone, except maybe Jongin.
It’s late by the time they leave but there’s still so much more that Kyungsoo wants to know about Kris.
And that scares him a little.
-
Kyungsoo tells Luhan he’s going to his parents’ house for a couple days, but really, he’s booked a hotel room nearby because the thought of staying in the apartment any longer makes him want to scream.
He’s gone for a day when he realizes he forgot his laptop at home. Jongin had suggested that he try to find a job and he thought it was a good idea so he was going to spend the weekend seeing what he could find.
The hotel isn’t far and Luhan’s at work so there’s no risk of running into him if he just grabs what he needs and leaves. He keys open the door and toes off his shoes, noticing that the pair Luhan normally wears to work are still there.
He hears the foreign voice moan Luhan’s name and there’s nothing he can do but stand there frozen in shock. Kyungsoo feels like someone has stabbed him in the chest and keeps twisting the knife, pushing it deeper and deeper with each moan that floats through the air.
He finally convinces his legs to move, albeit shakily, and he closes the door silently on his way out. He puts as much distance between him and their home as he can before the grief overwhelms him. He leans his back against the side of the nearest building and slides to the ground where he buries his head in his hands, catching his own tears. He’s there for minutes, or hours maybe - time doesn’t seems to pass at its usual speed - before he’s all dried up and letting out long, shuddering breaths, clutching his chest and gasping for air.
-
By the time Kyungsoo makes it to the bar, he has every intention of getting drunk beyond coherency. The bartender slides him drink after drink and he reaches for the next one, tipping it all the way back and swallowing it in one go. It burns like acid on the way down but it’s nothing compared the physical ache in his chest.
It’s not fair.
Kyungsoo can’t think of anything he’s done wrong. He’s tried so hard to keep it together but at what point is the wound too deep to heal.
He fumbles for his wallet in his back pocket and pulls out the crumpled business card tucked in the back, dialing the cell phone number printed on it and prays to god it works.
“Hello?” comes the groggy voice on the other end.
"Kris?" Kyungsoo slurs out sloppily.
"Kyungsoo? What’s wrong?”
“Why is it me? Why does it have to be like this?” Kyungsoo chokes out, holding back more tears.
“Kyungsoo, are you drunk?”
“I don’t know. Maybe. Probably.”
“Tell me where you are." He sounds wide awake now and there’s an urgency in his voice.
Kyungsoo leans over to ask the bartender the name of the bar and repeats it to him.
“I’ll be right there.”
-
Kyungsoo is here in Kris's apartment and he's sleeping in Kris’s bed.
He’s set up a chair beside Kyungsoo, making sure that he’s staying propped up on his side so he won’t choke on his own vomit. Occasionally he'll jolt awake to lean over the side of the bed and empty the contents of his stomach into the trash can Kris had put there earlier, but mostly he's still, lying curled up with his hands tucked under his chin, steadily breathing.
Kris runs a hand through Kyungsoo's hair and he leans his head slightly into Kris’s hand. He’s stunning, even like this and Kris can't help but want to capture this moment forever so he searches around in his bedside drawer for a sketchpad and something to draw with.
It's easy for him, outlining the curve of Kyungsoo's jaw and the soft slope of his nose because it's something he’s already memorized countless times.
But Kris can never capture the way Kyungsoo’s chest rhythmically pushes in and out or how that piece of hair draped over his eye flutters every time he does so, nor can he put to paper that innate look of sadness on Kyungsoo's face that he desperately wants to soothe away.
Sure, Kris can try to, but the drawing will only ever be a flimsy representation of what Kyungsoo really is because it's impossible for Kyungsoo to exist in a two dimensional world.
-
Kyungsoo’s dream is in vivid blacks and whites.
The sharpness of the contrast burns the back of his eyes and leaves deep imprints on his mind like heavy footprints in the snow. Luhan’s there and Kyungsoo reaches out to touch but as soon as his fingers brush skin, he disappears.
Kyungsoo feels his skin melting away. It’s not an unpleasant feeling - a little like when your hand goes to sleep and the definitive lines of yourself and space blur together until there’s nothing at all.
But that’s okay.
Kyungsoo doesn’t want to feel anymore, doesn’t want to touch or see or hear.
There’s something just on the horizon.
Something painted in technicolor, and he can almost taste it.
-
Sunlight hits the back of Kyungsoo’s eyelids so he opens them slowly, blinking away the sleep away. He’s tangled in sheets that aren’t his in a room he’s never seen before in his life.
But the scent of coffee and something slightly sweet is heavy in the air and surely he can’t be in danger from someone who cooks something that smells so delicious.
He peels himself out of bed and follows his nose.
“You’re up,” Kris says. He’s wearing an apron and has flour on his cheek.
Kyungsoo slides into a barstool and watches him as he flips a pancake.
“What am I doing here?”
“You don’t remember do you? You were pretty out of it last night.”
Kyungsoo thinks back and suddenly the events of yesterday come crashing down around him. He feels sick to his stomach, but he tries to push the thoughts away because they’re too much for him to deal with right now.
“Here, looks like you need this.” Kris puts a cup of hot coffee in front of him along with two painkillers. “Breakfast will be ready in a minute. You need to eat. I think you threw up pretty much everything you ate yesterday.”
Kyungsoo only nods and swallows the pills. Kris puts a plate in front of him and Kyungsoo wants to cry when he bites into his pancakes, only this time it’s because they’re amazing. Kris slides into the seat next to him and he looks like he wants to ask what happened last night but he doesn’t and for that Kyungoo is grateful.
He thinks of leaving but he doesn’t want to go back to the hotel or hear "I told you so" from Jongin, and he definitely doesn’t want to see Luhan right now.
Kyungsoo clears his throat, looking over at Kris. “Can we go to the studio today?’
-
Kyungsoo is silent on the way there and when they arrive, he just immerses himself in what he’s drawing, trying to put his mind in another place.
“Does this look good?” Kyungsoo asks, scooting over a little to let Kris look at what he’s drawn.
He leans over Kyungsoo to inspect the paper more closely. Kris’s breath ghosts over the line of his neck and he’s so close that Kyungsoo can smell the scent of sandalwood and body wash drifting off him in subtle waves.
"It's better if you hold it this way," he says softly and he reaches for Kyungsoo’s hands and adjusts his grip on the pencil. “It makes cleaner lines.” His hand lingers a beat longer than necessary and when he lets go, it's slow and deliberate, but he doesn't move away, just angles his body ever slightly more towards Kyungsoo.
"Like this?" Kyungsoo asks, hoping Kris doesn't notice the way his voice catches.
"Yeah." Kris's voice is low and strained and Kyungsoo turns his head. Kris's face is just a hair's breadth away from his own and it seems like an eternity passes where neither of them breathe. It's Kris who makes the first move, pulling away, but before he can get too far, Kyungsoo reaches forward and captures the back of his head, pulling him back in and crashing their lips together. Kris is hesitant at first, but soon takes over, gliding his tongue over Kyungsoo's lips and it doesn't take much encouragement for Kyungsoo to open up and let him in.
Kyungsoo doesn't want to admit it but he's been craving this for so long. He was so raw and, unknowingly, Kris picked up the pieces that Kyungsoo had thought were gone for good. If he's being honest with himself, he's been falling for him little by little. It's that thought that makes him press farther into the kiss and he throws his hands around Kris's neck trying to taste and feel as much as he can.
Kris pulls back and Kyungsoo lets out an unsatisfied whimper.
"I don't think we should be doing this," Kris says and he reaches around to unlatch Kyungsoo’s arms from the back of his neck.
“You have a boyfriend. And-" he rubs his face like he's tired. "And I don't want to be the reason to mess that up."
“I-I…” Kyungsoo trails off. “Yeah. You’re right. I’m sorry I shouldn’t have done this.”
He gets up and before Kris can catch him, he runs out, and Kris swallows the “don’t go” that’s on the tip of his tongue.
-
Falling in love with Kris is nothing like falling in love with Luhan. If falling in love with Luhan is like getting caught up in a maelstrom, then loving Kris is like slowly falling into a warm summer’s ocean. Kyungsoo doesn’t care if he drowns, doesn’t care if the warm water fills his lungs and takes him as its own. He wants it to consume him.
-
Kyungsoo is sitting on their bed staring ahead blankly when Luhan comes home. He doesn’t even go to greet Luhan comes through the door. It’s subtle gestures like this that Luhan doesn’t notice, hasn’t noticed for a while.
He comes into the room to put up his luggage and drops the compulsory “Hey babe. I missed you,” when he sees Kyungsoo, but his voice is devoid of any affection.
Kyungsoo takes a deep breath and closes his eyes. “I can’t do this.”
He hears Luhan still on the other side of the room.
“What?”
“I know you’ve been seeing someone else.”
Luhan runs a hand over his face and he looks exhausted. “Let’s talk about this.”
“I’ll move my things out today.”
Luhan moves to sit beside Kyungsoo. “Don’t be stupid. Where will you go?”
“Is that why you cheated on me? Because I’m so stupid?” Kyungsoo turns to stare him dead in the eye. “ We’ve been together for almost six years so I think you at least deserve to know this. I’ve met someone else while you’ve neglected to notice my existence.”
He sighs. “Then we’re both wrong. I think we can work through this.” He reaches out for Kyungsoo’s hand but he snatches it back before Luhan can touch him.
“No, we really can’t. Because unlike you, I didn’t bring him home and fuck him in our bed while you were gone.”
“Kyungsoo-“ Luhan looks at him like he’s a child who can’t be reasoned with. “Is that what this is about?”
“You really don’t get it, do you? You were never there for me when I needed you. I just wanted you.” He looks down and bites his lips. “All I ever wanted was you.”
Luhan looks like he’s been punched in the gut but doesn’t stop Kyungsoo when he leaves.
-
It doesn’t take Kyungsoo long to pack and all his stuff barely takes up the entire back seat of his car.
He gets in the driver’s seat and that’s when it starts to feels like his world is crashing down around him. The tears start flowing and they come in hard waves. He’s crying, not because he’s sad, but because everything will be different now. Everything he’s known for the past six years is gone in the blink of an eye and that thought both excites and scares him.
He’s nervous about the future and when he pictures it, only one person comes to mind.
-
Time heals all wounds, they say, and Kyungsoo finds that to be true. A month has passed since leaving Luhan. Adjusting was hard but finally he feels like he doesn’t need to depend on another person to breathe.
Jongin had helped him to find a job and it’s not something he wants to do forever, but it’s a step forward in the right direction until he can figure out what he wants to do with his life.
“Are you sure you have to go?” Jongin asks as he helps load the last box into Kyungsoo’s car.
“Yeah, I’m sure. As much as I would like to stay and bum off you forever, but this is something I need to do.”
“Fine,” Jongin says, giving an exaggerated sigh. “I guess I’ll let you leave. But you have to promise me one thing.”
“And what’s that?”
Jongin leans in close and whispers in Kyungsoo’s ear- “Don’t get knocked up.”
Kyungsoo smiles and punches Jongin in the arm. “I don’t think I’ll miss you at all.”
“Twenty dollars says that you’ll be back on my doorstep in a week.”
“Bye, Jongin.”
-
Handing over the down payment on the small apartment had made Kyungsoo shake with excitement. It was nice to have something he could call his own - something he had worked for. It’s not much, but it’s his.
He’s spent the day unpacking, and everything is in its place, but there’s still one thing that’s missing.
-
Kyungsoo makes his way to Kris’s, nervousness gnawing at him, but as soon as Kris opens the door, it melts away. Kyungsoo throws himself at him, wrapping his arms tightly around Kris’s waist.
“Hey,” he whispers into his neck. He told himself he wouldn’t cry but the feelings are too overwhelming and he can’t help it. “I missed you.”
“Shh…” Kris holds Kyungsoo against his chest and smooths down the back of his hair comfortingly. “I missed you too.”
“I left Luhan. He was cheating on me so I left him but I don’t even care because all I could think about is you, all I can ever think about is you…”
“Slow down.” He leans back just enough to wipe the wetness out from under Kyungsoo’s eyes and the gesture is so careful and calculated, it almost hurts.
He leads Kyungsoo to the couch and sits him down, gently stroking his hair.
Kyungsoo takes a deep breath before he speaks.
“He had been seeing this other guy for a while and I knew it, but I thought it was temporary.”
“Kyungsoo…I’m so sorry.” Kyungsoo looks at him, and he can tell that Kris is genuinely upset that he’s been hurt.
“It doesn’t matter anymore. I know I should care, but I don’t. Not since I met you at least. I don’t care about Luhan. I care about you.” Kyungsoo’s voice gets softer and it’s hard to hear him now. “Probably more than I should.”
There’s a pained look in Kris’s eyes, like maybe he’s holding back, but whether it’s for Kyungsoo’s sake or his own, it’s not clear. He seems to be fighting something in himself before finally deciding and pressing his lips to Kyungsoo's. It’s so gentle and hesitant, like he thinks that Kyungsoo might fall to pieces in his hands if he holds too tight.
So Kyungsoo does it for him, pressing forward and letting Kris know that he’s real, he’s here, and he’s not letting go.
He pulls back and brushes Kyungsoo’s matted hair out of his eyes and rests their foreheads together.
“Fuck, I’ve been wanting to do that for so long,” he breathes.
“Yeah, me too,” Kyungsoo whispers against soft lips.
"Please don't stop," he says and presses his lips against Kris's again, urging him to take take take.
Kyungsoo climbs onto Kris’s lap and reaches for one of his hands where it’s lightly resting on Kyungsoo’s waist and he guides it under his shirt, silently telling him that it’s okay to touch. His hands leave a burning trail on Kyungsoo’s skin and it’s too much and not enough all at the same time.
Kris splays his hands over Kyungsoo’s ribs and his breath catches. Kyungsoo briefly wonders how it would feel to press so close that he sinks into Kris, how it would feel to be that much closer to his heart. He leans back just enough to tug his shirt off and reaches to do the same with Kris’s but he stops him before he can go too far.
“Kyungsoo…”
“Kris, please. I need this.”
“Are you sure?”
Kyungsoo leans back. “Do you not want me?”
“God, no. I want you. I want you so much, Kyungsoo. I just- I need to make sure that this is really what you want before you do something you’ll regret later.”
Kyungsoo grips his face and looks at him seriously. “Kris, if there’s one thing I won’t regret later, it’s you.”
“Okay,” Kris whispers. “Okay,” he repeats, like he’s telling himself that he’s finally allowed to have what he’s wanted all this time.
He stands up, bringing Kyungsoo with him as his legs wrap around Kris’s waist and it’s like a fire has ignited within him. His touches aren’t careful and laced with gentleness. Not anymore. It’s like he’s forcing Kyungsoo to open up and give in, forcing him to pour everything he has into Kris because he’ll take it all without complaint and Kyungsoo realizes that he’d let Kris do that for him.
Every inch of them is pressed together and Kris is gripping his hips with a strength he didn't know he had and Kyungsoo feels as if he might fall to little pieces if he lets go. Their teeth clash together and Kris licks into Kyungsoo's mouth, exploring every inch. He bites down on Kyungsoo’s lip and he thinks that he broke skin but that's okay because he wants Kris to tear him apart inch by delicious inch until there’s no one in the world who can put Kyungsoo together again except Kris himself.
He pushes Kyungsoo against the wall and his hands roam against every bit of exposed skin and his body feels like it’s on fire. His hands tangle in Kris’s hair and Kris ruts against him, pushing their hardening cocks together and Kyungsoo tilts his head back in a silent scream.
“Bedroom,” Kyungsoo chokes out and Kris immediately obeys.
Kris lays him down gently on the bed and crawls over him, a hungry look in his eyes that makes Kyungsoo’s stomach bottom out. He leans down, latching his lips to Kyungsoo’s neck and he turns his head to give Kris better access. Kris licks a stripe from behind his ear to his shoulder and bites down, hard and possessive and Kyungsoo lets out a long, guttural moan. He can’t take the teasing anymore, but it’s hard to form words when Kris is doing this to him, so he bucks his hips up and hope Kris gets the message.
Kris tugs down Kyungsoo’s pants and he’s finally expecting relief but when he’s down to his boxers, Kris slows down, leaning over and to mouth Kyungsoo through the thin fabric.
“Please, please, please,” Kyungsoo chants over and over and Kris finally pulls down his boxers. Kyungsoo’s cock springs out, heavy and red and Kris leans over, taking the head in his mouth, licking along the underside before swallowing him down whole. Kyungsoo reaches down and laces his hands through the strands of Kris’s impossibly soft hair, resisting the urge to push him farther down.
“Stop, stop. Gonna come.” He pulls up on Kris’s hair, signaling him to get off and Kris lets Kyungsoo’s cock fall from his lips. “Come then,” he says, taking Kyungsoo back in his mouth and it only takes a few more licks before Kyungsoo is seeing white. Kris swallows it all down and he licks the tip clean and Kyungsoo takes a moment to catch his breath.
He reaches down to touch Kris, but he grabs Kyungsoo by one wrist, and then the other, before pinning them both above his head. When he meets Kris’s eyes, he feels so exposed but he wants Kris to see everything that he is.
“Let me make you feel good.” He can see how much Kris wants this, how much he wants to satisfy him so he nods and decides to let Kris take care of him for tonight.
This time when Kris leans down and their lips meet, it’s slow and sensual, Kris taking his time to explore every inch of Kyungsoo’s mouth.
He leans back, panting, and rummages in his bedside drawer before withdrawing a small bottle of lube, pouring a little bit in his hand and taking his time to warm it up before slowly inserting a long, slick finger into Kyungsoo. He’s moving so slow and it’s not long before Kyungsoo’s ready for another. The soft kisses he presses to the inside of Kyungsoo’s thigh make it more bearable when he adds a third.
Kyungsoo’s cock is almost fully hard again by the time Kris finds that one spot. Kyungsoo feels like he might scream from the pleasure as Kris hits it over and over again. He’s not sure how long he’ll be able to hold out and he needs all of Kris.
“Now. I’m ready now.”
Kris pulls his fingers out, leaving Kyungsoo feeling so empty. He pours more than enough lube on his cock before putting the tip to Kyungsoo’s hole, pushing in slightly, letting Kyungsoo adjust little by little until he’s all the way in.
Kyungsoo feels so full, feels like he might explode from the inside out. He bucks his hips forward, testing to see how it feels. It stings a little but the pleasure greatly outweighs the pain so he tells Kris to move. Kris’s thrusts are shallow at first, and Kyungsoo has to practically beg him to get him to go faster, deeper, harder.
Kyungsoo comes again, arching off the bed as spurts of white decorate his stomach. Kyungsoo’s low moan is enough to send Kris over the edge and he comes too, spilling into Kyungsoo and it’s so hot inside him. Kris doesn’t pull out at first, giving a few more thrusts of his softening cock and Kyungsoo whines from the. When Kris slips out of him, he feels the loss and whines into Kris’s neck. Kris rolls over beside him and Kyungsoo traces invisible lines on Kris’s skin, kissing everywhere his finger draws.
“Come on,” he says rolling out of bed and pulling Kyungsoo with him. “Let’s get cleaned up.”
-
Kyungsoo walks around inspecting Kris’s bedroom. It’s filled with warm colors and everything is so vibrant, except for the sheets on his bed, which are pristine and white. Kyungsoo stops himself from making a cheesy comment about how it’s like a blank canvas and they can create something beautiful on it.
“Get in.” Kris pats the empty space in the bed beside him and Kyungsoo crawls in, the sheets warm and soft. Kris grabs him by his sides and flips them both over, a huge grin on his face, and plants a wet kiss on the center of Kyungsoo’s forehead. A laugh escapes from deep within Kyungsoo’s chest and it feels good to be happy for once.
"Do you ever wonder what it would’ve been like if we had met earlier?" Kyungsoo whispers into Kris’s lips.
Kris shakes his head. "Not really. I think we met when we were supposed to meet and that's how it is."
"You know, you're pretty wise sometimes."
“That must be why you like me.” Kris teases.
“Well, I guess that’s one reason.”
He pulls Kris close and tangles their legs together and presses his face into his neck and just breathes. He’s not sure whether to say ‘thank you’ or ‘I love you’ or ‘I hope you never leave’ so he pulls him in tighter and hopes that maybe his feelings will sink through Kris’s skin and he’ll understand how much he needs him. Kyungsoo lays his head on his stomach, letting the heavy ins and outs of Kris’s breathing lull him to sleep and it’s enough for now.
★Pairing: Kyungsoo/Kris (+Kyungsoo/Luhan)
★Rating: nc-17
★Length: 8,378 words
★Warnings/Disclaimers: angst, cheating, dubcon(?)
★Summary: Kyungsoo knows that Luhan is cheating on him. He just didn't know it would hurt this much.
Kyungsoo has always been a bit of a romantic. Ever since he was little, he wanted a fairy tale romance - an extravagant sweep-you-off-your-feet, make-you-lose-your-breath kind of love.
So when the storm that was Luhan crashed into him, it was everything he had ever hoped for and more. It took a week, two days, and a kiss in front of the entire student body for Kyungsoo to decide it was love.
They were so caught up in each other, most nights spent sneaking behind library bookshelves to exchange touches, the thrill of being caught surging through their veins.
Luhan was Kyungsoo’s dream.
He always knew the things to say that would make Kyungsoo’s heart flutter. His lips were soft and his hands were gentle. Late nights were spent cuddled in mountains of blankets, feeding each other sweet candy and even sweeter kisses. Luhan held Kyungsoo like he was something special, like he was most precious thing in the world.
But college was years ago. People grow, personalities change and Luhan and Kyungsoo were no exceptions. Sometimes life happens, but if you love someone, you have to stick it through - that’s what Kyungsoo keeps telling himself over and over again.
Even now, it’s Luhan’s hand he wants to hold when all his hair has turned white and all his teeth have fallen out. It’s Luhan who he wants to fall asleep beside at night. It’s Luhan who he wants to spend the rest of his life with.
It’s these hopes that keep him pushing on. Even though things aren’t the same as they once were, Kyungsoo is determined to not let things fall apart.
Not if he can help it.
-
“I have to go to Shanghai on business,” Luhan says as he drops his briefcase on the counter and loosens his tie. There seems to be a correlation between the time when Luhan began wearing suits religiously and when their relationship started falling apart.
Kyungsoo would try to fix it, would try to make things go back to the way they used to be, but it’s an accumulation of little problems that don’t mean much in the long run. Luhan would probably tell him that he’s crazy and reading into things if he brought it up.
But Luhan definitely doesn’t hold Kyungsoo quite as tight when they’re lying next to each other, doesn’t lean into the kisses like he used to. They hardly ever have sex and when they do, it’s quick and to the point, like it’s an inconvenience for Luhan and he’s only doing it to appease Kyungsoo until the next time he gets so close to the edge with need he feels like he might explode.
And honestly, he could live without being physical if everything else was good, but it isn’t. He can’t remember the last time the sound of genuine laughter filled their apartment. He can’t even remember the last time they just sat down and talked to each other without it having a specific purpose.
‘”Oh.” Kyungsoo puts down the spoon he had been holding and wipes his hands on his apron. He’s not sure if he’s upset or relieved. Maybe it’s a little of both. “How long will you be gone?”
“A couple of weeks. Maybe more, if the company needs me.”
“When do you leave?”
“Next Monday.”
“Okay,” Kyungsoo says as he turns around and goes back to stirring the soup. “Don’t have too much fun without me,” He jokes, but he can hear the uneasiness in his laugh and hopes Luhan doesn’t notice.
He only sighs tiredly. “I’m going to bed, babe.”
“You’re not going to eat?”
“I ate at the office.”
Kyungsoo pours the soup down the drain and puts up the unused dishes before slipping under the stiff sheets next to Luhan.
-
Lately, it seems as if Luhan’s always away on business.
It’s hard for Kyungsoo, because there’s nothing to do and he gets antsy not having another presence in the house.
He’s noticed that his nerves have been getting worse since quitting his job. He had worked as an event planner for a while, but it was something Luhan hadn’t dubbed a “real job” so he quit at Luhan’s behest.
It wasn’t as if he needed the money; Luhan made enough for the both of them and then some extra, but there were times when Kyungsoo missed working. There was a sense of independence that he would never have from staying at home.
This wasn’t really the life he imagined he’d have when he was in college, but being with Luhan made it all worth it. Kyungsoo supposed that being an adult meant making sacrifices. He’d been with Luhan for almost six years, so the most important thing to him was this relationship.
There’s no way he’ll let that fall apart just because of a little unhappiness on his end.
-
Luhan returns from China but things aren’t quite the same.
He seems even more distant than usual, excusing himself whenever he gets the chance, never staying in the same room as Kyungsoo for longer than a few minutes at a time.
Kyungsoo can’t stand the tension anymore so he goes to bed early and hopes that giving Luhan a little space will ease things up. He can’t fall asleep though, tossing and turning, something in the back of his mind eating at him, but he can’t quite place it.
Luhan slips into bed a few hours later, but puts as much distance between him and Kyungsoo as possible.
Kyungsoo stares blankly ahead at the wall for what seems like hours, willing himself to get some rest but it never comes, so he pads to the kitchen and opens the fridge, downing half a bottle of water in one sip.
Across the room, where it’s charging, Luhan’s phone lights up.
He knows he shouldn’t. He knows it’s a bad idea, but he can’t stop himself.
It’s an almost out-of-body sensation he feels as he picks up the phone and unlocks it. There are a few unread text messages from someone named Yixing and he closes his eyes as he selects one at random and presses enter.
His heart drops as he reads the message and he feels like he might vomit.
He crawls back into bed but he definitely can’t go to sleep, not now. His mind is racing a million miles an hour.
What is he supposed to do?
Does he confront Luhan and let him know that he knows? Does he convince himself that he read it wrong and that everything is still fine? Does he stay and try to repair their broken relationship or does he leave and let the past six years of his life go to waste?
The realization hits him hard in the gut. There’s nowhere for him to go, no one he can confide in. Without meaning to, he had slowly alienated everyone around him.
He had wrapped his life so tightly around Luhan from the beginning that there was never room for anyone else.
-
He drops by Jongin’s without calling. Maybe it’s because there’s a chance Jongin would have told him not to come if he had.
After all, he’s the one Kyungsoo has hurt the most. If there’s anything he regrets about his relationship with Luhan, it’s that it caused him to push away the one person who was the most important to him. The one person that was always there. He had essentially chosen Luhan over Jongin and it’s painful for Kyungsoo to realize what kind of person he’s become.
Kyungsoo stands in front of the door for a good ten minutes before he gathers enough courage to ring the bell. The door swings open and Jongin stands there looking the same as before, except now his hair’s a little longer. He looks good, Kyungsoo thinks.
The shock is evident on his face and Kyungsoo looks down, not wanting to meet Jongin’s eyes. He should have known that he wouldn’t want to see him. The thought crosses his mind that he should just turn around and leave before things get bad but then he’s pulled into a bone-crushing hug.
“You asshole!” Jongin practically yells as he grips Kyungsoo by his shoulders and shakes him. “It’s been for-fucking-ever.” He throws an arm over Kyungsoo’s shoulders and leads him in.
“I missed you man.” The huge grin plastered on his face makes Kyungsoo feel a tiny bit better.
“You too,” Kyungsoo says and it sinks in how much he really has missed Jongin’s loud mouth and familiar touchiness.
Kyungsoo heaves a huge inner sigh of relief. He was crazy to think that Jongin would want nothing to do with him - he’s always been his best friend and nothing can change that.
Jongin leaves Kyungsoo to wander around the living room while he makes some tea or whatever health concoction he’s trying out this week and Kyungsoo’s glad to see that his place hasn’t changed much.
“So why are you here?” It’s not unkind the way Jongin says it - they both know Kyungsoo wouldn’t show up unannounced without a reason.
He collapses on the couch and takes a second before responding. “Luhan’s seeing someone else.”
Jongin’s face quickly transforms into shock. “Are you serious?” he says eventually.
“Yeah, I found some messages on his phone but he doesn’t know I saw them.”
“I’m so sorry, man. I don’t even know what to say,” Jongin says as he slips a warm mug between Kyungsoo’s hands and takes a spot on the couch beside him.
“I don’t either,” Kyungsoo sighs, taking a gulp of whatever’s in the cup and it burns his throat on the way down.
“I never thought he’d do this to me. I guess it was stupid, but it hadn’t ever crossed my mind that he might have someone else.” He stares blankly ahead. He hasn’t even cried yet. Right now all he feels is numbness. He knows he should be angry or upset or sad, but feeling any emotions at the moment takes up too much energy that he doesn’t have.
“No, it wasn’t stupid of you to think that. I mean, I don’t particularly like the guy, but you two were perfect for each other.”
Kyungsoo hums in agreement.
“You can stay here as long as you need to,” Jongin offers.
“I-“ Kyungsoo takes a deep breath. “I think I’m gonna go back, actually.”
Jongin stares at him with wide eyes. “What? Kyungsoo, you can’t.”
“Why can’t I? I love him.”
“Yeah, but he cheated on you.” Kyungsoo visibly flinches, but Jongin presses on. “I’m sorry but if he really loved you then he wouldn’t have fucked you over like this.”
Kyungsoo looks down and plays with the hem of his shirt. “Jongin, please try to understand. I’ve been with him for years. We’ve worked so hard building this life together. I can’t give that up so easily.”
Kyungsoo hates the pity he sees on Jongin’s face when he looks at him. “I’m trying to understand. But above all, I want you to be happy. I want you to be with someone who makes you feel like you’re the greatest thing in the world. You deserve that, Kyungsoo and you’re obviously not getting it from Luhan.”
Kyungsoo feels like he might cry because Jongin’s so sincere, but now he’s even more conflicted than before he came. He puts the empty mug down. “I should go.”
Jongin walks him to the door but stops him just before he leaves. “Whatever decision you make, I’ll support you.”
“Thank you, Jongin.” Kyungsoo smiles and he hopes that Jongin knows how much he really means it.
“And try to stay in touch. You’re still my best friend even though you kinda suck at it.” He laughs and pulls Kyungsoo in for one more hug before he goes.
At least something worked out.
-
When Luhan comes home from work that night, he’s tense and on edge. He looks at Kyungsoo and he immediately knows that Luhan wants sex.
Kyungsoo wonders for a moment how it’s still so easy to read him.
It’s rare that Luhan gets that lustful look in his eyes and Kyungsoo doesn’t want to seem suspicious, so he decides to give in.
"Hey baby," Luhan says as he slips into bed beside him and grips Kyungsoo's face to turn it towards his own. He leans down, his warm lips sliding against Kyungsoo's, forcing his mouth to open beneath his, biting and licking behind teeth.
Kyungsoo takes a deep, shuddering breath but relaxes into the touch, closing his eyes and, against everything his mind is telling him to do, lets himself feel. Luhan’s hands work over the buttons of Kyungsoo's shirt and it slides down his shoulders, pooling beneath him. The cold air hits his chest and he immediately wants to slide beneath the sheets and cover himself, but he makes himself press further into Luhan instead.
Luhan disentangles himself and pushes Kyungsoo down with a soft thud before he leans back to undress at the end of the bed. Kyungsoo allows himself the brief thought that Luhan is still unbearably beautiful even after all this time, with his pale, almost translucent skin and lean muscles that flex when he crawls back over to him.
Luhan captures his lips again and this kiss is just as rough but even more urgent. He works Kyungsoo open quickly before aligning and pressing in.
"You okay?" he asks.
Kyungsoo knows he isn't but nods anyway so Luhan starts to move. He sets an unforgiving pace and Kyungsoo is grateful for it as he bites into Luhan's shoulder to muffle his sobs. Luhan finishes first and pulls out, reaching down to touch Kyungsoo, but before he can, Kyungsoo grabs his wrist, stopping him.
“It’s fine,” he says before getting up and locking himself in the bathroom. He turns the shower on cold and sits in the tub, curled in on himself as the water muffles the sobs wracking his body and washes away his tears.
-
Luhan’s gone on another business trip, this time in Hunan.
Kyungsoo decides that maybe staying home isn’t such a good thing anymore. The apartment is suffocating and his mind can't help but wander to all the things that Luhan might be doing with another man while he isn’t there.
He had noticed the other day that a small art shop had recently opened up downtown and was advertising art lessons. It’s worth giving it a shot at the very least.
He’s itching to be somewhere that’s not the same four walls he looks at every day and as soon as Luhan leaves, he makes his way downtown. Soon, he’s standing in front of a small, white building with a colorful, handpainted sign hanging above the door that reads ‘Ace of Arts.’
He steps in and the comforting smell of paint and freshly cut wood hits him in a wave. He’s the only person in the building apart from a very tall man near the back who is precariously balancing on a stool as he tries to hang up a painting. He doesn’t seem to notice Kyungsoo, so he clears his throat, hoping the man will turn around. Instead, he drops the painting and loses his balance, toppling to the floor with a loud thud.
“Oh,” Kyungsoo yelps and he rushes forward to help the man up. Or tries to at least, but he’s about the size of about two Kyungsoos so it doesn’t really work. “I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you. Are you okay?”
“Yeah,” the man grunts as he picks himself up and dusts his pants off, though Kyungsoo wonders why he’s worried about them getting dirty because they’re already almost completely covered with splotches of dried paint.
He looks down at Kyungsoo and the flush is evident on his cheeks. It’s a little funny, the way the almost childlike embarrassment on his face don’t quite match his sharp, angry-looking features.
“What can I help you with?” he says, obviously trying to draw attention away from his fall.
“I’m here to sign up for art lessons, actually,” Kyungsoo says, gesturing at the huge sign outside.
“Well.” He smiles, revealing blindingly white teeth and it’s like his whole face transforms from that simple action alone. Kyungsoo thinks it’s charming, even if it does show a little too much gum. “Looks like you’re my first student, then.” He reaches out a huge hand and Kyungsoo marvels at how it envelops his own completely as he shakes it. “I’m Kris, by the way.”
“Kyungsoo,” he says, offering his own smile back.
-
Lessons start the next Wednesday and it can’t come soon enough for Kyungsoo. He finds himself itching to be back in the cozy atmosphere of the small art shop.
“Hey,” Kris looks up from his perch on a stool when Kyungsoo walks in, only about fifteen minutes early. “You ready?” he asks.
Kyungsoo shrugs. “Ready as I’ll ever be, I guess.”
“Great, let’s get started then,” Kris says, leading Kyungsoo to an area where two blank canvases are leaning against easels. He pulls up some chairs and gestures for Kyungsoo to sit in one and he takes the other. There’s a whole array of pencils, brushes and paint in front of him.
“For now, “ Kris says, motioning to the supplies. “I want you to create whatever comes to mind.”
“Um, okay.” Kyungsoo lets out a nervous little laugh, but picks up a brush at random and dips it in a bright red before smoothing it across the canvas. It’s a little nerve-wracking, having someone watching over his shoulder, critiquing him like this.
“I’m sorry, I’m bad at this.” He smears some orange on the canvas alongside the red and it just looks like a terrible mess of color. He doesn’t think it could even pass as one of those modern abstract paintings that seem to be all the rage lately.
“This is art. There is no bad or good.”
Kyungsoo gives him a pointed look.
“Well, maybe there is,” Kris relents. “You’ll get there, though. This is only your first lesson.”
Kyungsoo feels a laugh bubbling up and his chest and it’s strange how someone he barely knows can draw this out of him when the person he’s loved for years can’t.
-
Kyungsoo doesn’t check his phone again but he’s more aware than he’s ever been of the subtle changes in Luhan’s behavior.
It’s hard not to notice how often he looks down at his phone and tries to hide a smile or how he excuses himself to take business calls more than normal. Kyungsoo tries to ignore the spike of pain when Luhan comes back and looks a little bit happier than before, but the pressure in his chest keeps building up and every day it’s a little worse than before.
The walls are thin and sometimes Kyungsoo can hear the whispered “I miss you’s” in the other room as he cries himself to sleep.
-
Kyungsoo throws down his brush. “I’m getting worse instead of better.”
Usually, being here puts him in a pretty good mood, but he’s already so on edge plus the paint won’t cooperate with him and that just frustrates him even more. He looks over at Kris and frowns. “I don’t think it’s supposed to work this way.”
Kris walks over to see what he’s done so far. “It takes time. I know you can’t see it, but you are progressing.”
“It doesn’t feel like it.” Kyungsoo pouts and leans his head back, staring blankly up at the ceiling.
“Hey,” Kris says and he pokes Kyungsoo in the shoulder to get his attention. “Let me show you something.”
He leads Kyungsoo to a door towards the back. It opens into a spacious closet and there must be hundreds of canvases, all filled with beautiful colors and scenes.
“Did you do all this?”
Kris flushes pink from the neck up. “Yeah.”
He goes into a far corner and rummages around before pulling out a small black binder and flipping it open to the very back page.
“This is what I wanted to show you,” he says, handing it over to Kyungsoo. “It’s from when I first started.”
Kyungsoo doesn’t know whether to laugh at how horrible it is or be touched that Kris feels comfortable enough to show this to him.
“What do you think?” Kris asks after Kyungsoo doesn’t say anything, just stares at the various shapes that vaguely resemble animals.
“This is really bad,” Kyungsoo says, laughter bubbling up before he can stop it.
“Yeah, it’s pretty terrible.” Kris comes towards him and tilts Kyungsoo’s face up with one long finger so he’s looking in his eyes. “And you’re already so much better than I was when I started. You’ll improve, I promise. But you can’t quit now.”
Kyungsoo remembers all those piano and voice lessons he took as a kid and how he stopped going after only a few months because he was never was good enough in his own mind. He still regrets not sticking it out.
“Alright, I won’t quit,” he promises more to himself than Kris. “But you can’t give up on me either, no matter how slow I am getting there.”
Kris releases a slow, melodic laugh and Kyungsoo’s stomach tightens. “Not a chance.”
-
Luhan comes and goes, but even when he is home, he’s not really there. He doesn't seem to notice that Kyungsoo is falling apart.
Or probably more accurately, he doesn't care anymore.
Kyungsoo’s used to it by now but that doesn’t make it hurt any less.
-
Art lessons become a sort of therapy for Kyungsoo. He looks forward to them, looks forward to seeing Kris more than he should.
But it’s a small thing that makes him happy, at least for the moment, so he’s letting himself be selfish for once.
“So,” Kyungsoo calls out. Kris is in the front arranging stock and Kyungsoo is in the back, trying to paint some fruit. And it does almost look like fruit if you tilt your head the right way.
“Why am I your only student? Are you actually really bad and I just haven’t realized it because I don’t know any better?” Kyungsoo’s been coming for a few weeks now and other than the random shopper who will stop by for supplies every now and then, he hasn’t seen many people.
“Hey,” Kyungsoo can see Kris’s pout all the way from the back and he laughs at how much like a kid he can be at times. “I take offense to that. I am wonderful at what I do.” He finishes up and sits down beside Kyungsoo, watching his poor attempt at outlining an apple. “Look you’re already a pro at this.” He points at the paper in front of Kyungsoo. “This is a perfect orange.”
“It’s a pear.” Kyungsoo’s eyes narrow but he can’t help from laughing at how pitiful it looks.
“That’s what I meant,” Kris says and smiles, his eyes crinkling at the sides.
“But seriously, you haven’t had anyone else sign up for lessons?”
“Mmmm, not yet. I guess most people would rather go to a fancy gallery and sip wine while they pretend to know what art means instead of actually creating something for themselves.”
Kyungsoo nods his head thoughtfully. “My boyfriend’s that type. Used to drag me along to those sorts of things. I was never really into it, though.”
For some reason it’s weird to bring up Luhan when he’s with Kris. They’re two totally opposite parts of his life.
The lines around Kris’s eyes tighten, but he lets out a snort. “What, is he some rich dude with more money than he knows what to do with?”
Kyungsoo thinks Kris is probably joking, but he nods and lets out a small “Yeah, I guess you could say that” anyway.
“Oh.” Kris looks taken aback. “Really?”
“What’s that look for?”
“I don’t know, you just seem like you would go for someone more…”
“More what?”
Kris gets up and goes back to arranging a shelf off to the side. “I don’t know. It’s not fair for me to draw conclusions when I barely even know you.”
Kyungsoo realizes that for some reason he’s… disappointed? Frustrated because he had thought he and Kris had become friends in the short time they’d known each other?
“Yeah, guess you don’t,” Kyungsoo says, harsher than he intends to.
“Look, I didn’t mean it like that. It’s just…we don’t see each other outside of here, so I can’t say that I know what you’re really like.”
It’s true but Kyungsoo finds that he wants to change that. “Do you want to go out for coffee or something, then?”
“Yeah, I’d like that.” Kris’s expression turns warm again and Kyungsoo wants to keep it that way.
-
They end up at a small café far from either of their places, Kyungsoo claiming he needs the exercise but really it’s because he wants more time with Kris; he makes him feel like someone worth knowing and that’s hard to come by lately.
Kris makes sure to not overstep any bounds, which leads to maddening amounts of small talk. It takes some prodding on Kyungsoo’s part but he starts to open up, slowly but surely and in turn Kris asks his own questions.
He finds Kris fascinating and he’s more comfortable around him than anyone, except maybe Jongin.
It’s late by the time they leave but there’s still so much more that Kyungsoo wants to know about Kris.
And that scares him a little.
-
Kyungsoo tells Luhan he’s going to his parents’ house for a couple days, but really, he’s booked a hotel room nearby because the thought of staying in the apartment any longer makes him want to scream.
He’s gone for a day when he realizes he forgot his laptop at home. Jongin had suggested that he try to find a job and he thought it was a good idea so he was going to spend the weekend seeing what he could find.
The hotel isn’t far and Luhan’s at work so there’s no risk of running into him if he just grabs what he needs and leaves. He keys open the door and toes off his shoes, noticing that the pair Luhan normally wears to work are still there.
He hears the foreign voice moan Luhan’s name and there’s nothing he can do but stand there frozen in shock. Kyungsoo feels like someone has stabbed him in the chest and keeps twisting the knife, pushing it deeper and deeper with each moan that floats through the air.
He finally convinces his legs to move, albeit shakily, and he closes the door silently on his way out. He puts as much distance between him and their home as he can before the grief overwhelms him. He leans his back against the side of the nearest building and slides to the ground where he buries his head in his hands, catching his own tears. He’s there for minutes, or hours maybe - time doesn’t seems to pass at its usual speed - before he’s all dried up and letting out long, shuddering breaths, clutching his chest and gasping for air.
-
By the time Kyungsoo makes it to the bar, he has every intention of getting drunk beyond coherency. The bartender slides him drink after drink and he reaches for the next one, tipping it all the way back and swallowing it in one go. It burns like acid on the way down but it’s nothing compared the physical ache in his chest.
It’s not fair.
Kyungsoo can’t think of anything he’s done wrong. He’s tried so hard to keep it together but at what point is the wound too deep to heal.
He fumbles for his wallet in his back pocket and pulls out the crumpled business card tucked in the back, dialing the cell phone number printed on it and prays to god it works.
“Hello?” comes the groggy voice on the other end.
"Kris?" Kyungsoo slurs out sloppily.
"Kyungsoo? What’s wrong?”
“Why is it me? Why does it have to be like this?” Kyungsoo chokes out, holding back more tears.
“Kyungsoo, are you drunk?”
“I don’t know. Maybe. Probably.”
“Tell me where you are." He sounds wide awake now and there’s an urgency in his voice.
Kyungsoo leans over to ask the bartender the name of the bar and repeats it to him.
“I’ll be right there.”
-
Kyungsoo is here in Kris's apartment and he's sleeping in Kris’s bed.
He’s set up a chair beside Kyungsoo, making sure that he’s staying propped up on his side so he won’t choke on his own vomit. Occasionally he'll jolt awake to lean over the side of the bed and empty the contents of his stomach into the trash can Kris had put there earlier, but mostly he's still, lying curled up with his hands tucked under his chin, steadily breathing.
Kris runs a hand through Kyungsoo's hair and he leans his head slightly into Kris’s hand. He’s stunning, even like this and Kris can't help but want to capture this moment forever so he searches around in his bedside drawer for a sketchpad and something to draw with.
It's easy for him, outlining the curve of Kyungsoo's jaw and the soft slope of his nose because it's something he’s already memorized countless times.
But Kris can never capture the way Kyungsoo’s chest rhythmically pushes in and out or how that piece of hair draped over his eye flutters every time he does so, nor can he put to paper that innate look of sadness on Kyungsoo's face that he desperately wants to soothe away.
Sure, Kris can try to, but the drawing will only ever be a flimsy representation of what Kyungsoo really is because it's impossible for Kyungsoo to exist in a two dimensional world.
-
Kyungsoo’s dream is in vivid blacks and whites.
The sharpness of the contrast burns the back of his eyes and leaves deep imprints on his mind like heavy footprints in the snow. Luhan’s there and Kyungsoo reaches out to touch but as soon as his fingers brush skin, he disappears.
Kyungsoo feels his skin melting away. It’s not an unpleasant feeling - a little like when your hand goes to sleep and the definitive lines of yourself and space blur together until there’s nothing at all.
But that’s okay.
Kyungsoo doesn’t want to feel anymore, doesn’t want to touch or see or hear.
There’s something just on the horizon.
Something painted in technicolor, and he can almost taste it.
-
Sunlight hits the back of Kyungsoo’s eyelids so he opens them slowly, blinking away the sleep away. He’s tangled in sheets that aren’t his in a room he’s never seen before in his life.
But the scent of coffee and something slightly sweet is heavy in the air and surely he can’t be in danger from someone who cooks something that smells so delicious.
He peels himself out of bed and follows his nose.
“You’re up,” Kris says. He’s wearing an apron and has flour on his cheek.
Kyungsoo slides into a barstool and watches him as he flips a pancake.
“What am I doing here?”
“You don’t remember do you? You were pretty out of it last night.”
Kyungsoo thinks back and suddenly the events of yesterday come crashing down around him. He feels sick to his stomach, but he tries to push the thoughts away because they’re too much for him to deal with right now.
“Here, looks like you need this.” Kris puts a cup of hot coffee in front of him along with two painkillers. “Breakfast will be ready in a minute. You need to eat. I think you threw up pretty much everything you ate yesterday.”
Kyungsoo only nods and swallows the pills. Kris puts a plate in front of him and Kyungsoo wants to cry when he bites into his pancakes, only this time it’s because they’re amazing. Kris slides into the seat next to him and he looks like he wants to ask what happened last night but he doesn’t and for that Kyungoo is grateful.
He thinks of leaving but he doesn’t want to go back to the hotel or hear "I told you so" from Jongin, and he definitely doesn’t want to see Luhan right now.
Kyungsoo clears his throat, looking over at Kris. “Can we go to the studio today?’
-
Kyungsoo is silent on the way there and when they arrive, he just immerses himself in what he’s drawing, trying to put his mind in another place.
“Does this look good?” Kyungsoo asks, scooting over a little to let Kris look at what he’s drawn.
He leans over Kyungsoo to inspect the paper more closely. Kris’s breath ghosts over the line of his neck and he’s so close that Kyungsoo can smell the scent of sandalwood and body wash drifting off him in subtle waves.
"It's better if you hold it this way," he says softly and he reaches for Kyungsoo’s hands and adjusts his grip on the pencil. “It makes cleaner lines.” His hand lingers a beat longer than necessary and when he lets go, it's slow and deliberate, but he doesn't move away, just angles his body ever slightly more towards Kyungsoo.
"Like this?" Kyungsoo asks, hoping Kris doesn't notice the way his voice catches.
"Yeah." Kris's voice is low and strained and Kyungsoo turns his head. Kris's face is just a hair's breadth away from his own and it seems like an eternity passes where neither of them breathe. It's Kris who makes the first move, pulling away, but before he can get too far, Kyungsoo reaches forward and captures the back of his head, pulling him back in and crashing their lips together. Kris is hesitant at first, but soon takes over, gliding his tongue over Kyungsoo's lips and it doesn't take much encouragement for Kyungsoo to open up and let him in.
Kyungsoo doesn't want to admit it but he's been craving this for so long. He was so raw and, unknowingly, Kris picked up the pieces that Kyungsoo had thought were gone for good. If he's being honest with himself, he's been falling for him little by little. It's that thought that makes him press farther into the kiss and he throws his hands around Kris's neck trying to taste and feel as much as he can.
Kris pulls back and Kyungsoo lets out an unsatisfied whimper.
"I don't think we should be doing this," Kris says and he reaches around to unlatch Kyungsoo’s arms from the back of his neck.
“You have a boyfriend. And-" he rubs his face like he's tired. "And I don't want to be the reason to mess that up."
“I-I…” Kyungsoo trails off. “Yeah. You’re right. I’m sorry I shouldn’t have done this.”
He gets up and before Kris can catch him, he runs out, and Kris swallows the “don’t go” that’s on the tip of his tongue.
-
Falling in love with Kris is nothing like falling in love with Luhan. If falling in love with Luhan is like getting caught up in a maelstrom, then loving Kris is like slowly falling into a warm summer’s ocean. Kyungsoo doesn’t care if he drowns, doesn’t care if the warm water fills his lungs and takes him as its own. He wants it to consume him.
-
Kyungsoo is sitting on their bed staring ahead blankly when Luhan comes home. He doesn’t even go to greet Luhan comes through the door. It’s subtle gestures like this that Luhan doesn’t notice, hasn’t noticed for a while.
He comes into the room to put up his luggage and drops the compulsory “Hey babe. I missed you,” when he sees Kyungsoo, but his voice is devoid of any affection.
Kyungsoo takes a deep breath and closes his eyes. “I can’t do this.”
He hears Luhan still on the other side of the room.
“What?”
“I know you’ve been seeing someone else.”
Luhan runs a hand over his face and he looks exhausted. “Let’s talk about this.”
“I’ll move my things out today.”
Luhan moves to sit beside Kyungsoo. “Don’t be stupid. Where will you go?”
“Is that why you cheated on me? Because I’m so stupid?” Kyungsoo turns to stare him dead in the eye. “ We’ve been together for almost six years so I think you at least deserve to know this. I’ve met someone else while you’ve neglected to notice my existence.”
He sighs. “Then we’re both wrong. I think we can work through this.” He reaches out for Kyungsoo’s hand but he snatches it back before Luhan can touch him.
“No, we really can’t. Because unlike you, I didn’t bring him home and fuck him in our bed while you were gone.”
“Kyungsoo-“ Luhan looks at him like he’s a child who can’t be reasoned with. “Is that what this is about?”
“You really don’t get it, do you? You were never there for me when I needed you. I just wanted you.” He looks down and bites his lips. “All I ever wanted was you.”
Luhan looks like he’s been punched in the gut but doesn’t stop Kyungsoo when he leaves.
-
It doesn’t take Kyungsoo long to pack and all his stuff barely takes up the entire back seat of his car.
He gets in the driver’s seat and that’s when it starts to feels like his world is crashing down around him. The tears start flowing and they come in hard waves. He’s crying, not because he’s sad, but because everything will be different now. Everything he’s known for the past six years is gone in the blink of an eye and that thought both excites and scares him.
He’s nervous about the future and when he pictures it, only one person comes to mind.
-
Time heals all wounds, they say, and Kyungsoo finds that to be true. A month has passed since leaving Luhan. Adjusting was hard but finally he feels like he doesn’t need to depend on another person to breathe.
Jongin had helped him to find a job and it’s not something he wants to do forever, but it’s a step forward in the right direction until he can figure out what he wants to do with his life.
“Are you sure you have to go?” Jongin asks as he helps load the last box into Kyungsoo’s car.
“Yeah, I’m sure. As much as I would like to stay and bum off you forever, but this is something I need to do.”
“Fine,” Jongin says, giving an exaggerated sigh. “I guess I’ll let you leave. But you have to promise me one thing.”
“And what’s that?”
Jongin leans in close and whispers in Kyungsoo’s ear- “Don’t get knocked up.”
Kyungsoo smiles and punches Jongin in the arm. “I don’t think I’ll miss you at all.”
“Twenty dollars says that you’ll be back on my doorstep in a week.”
“Bye, Jongin.”
-
Handing over the down payment on the small apartment had made Kyungsoo shake with excitement. It was nice to have something he could call his own - something he had worked for. It’s not much, but it’s his.
He’s spent the day unpacking, and everything is in its place, but there’s still one thing that’s missing.
-
Kyungsoo makes his way to Kris’s, nervousness gnawing at him, but as soon as Kris opens the door, it melts away. Kyungsoo throws himself at him, wrapping his arms tightly around Kris’s waist.
“Hey,” he whispers into his neck. He told himself he wouldn’t cry but the feelings are too overwhelming and he can’t help it. “I missed you.”
“Shh…” Kris holds Kyungsoo against his chest and smooths down the back of his hair comfortingly. “I missed you too.”
“I left Luhan. He was cheating on me so I left him but I don’t even care because all I could think about is you, all I can ever think about is you…”
“Slow down.” He leans back just enough to wipe the wetness out from under Kyungsoo’s eyes and the gesture is so careful and calculated, it almost hurts.
He leads Kyungsoo to the couch and sits him down, gently stroking his hair.
Kyungsoo takes a deep breath before he speaks.
“He had been seeing this other guy for a while and I knew it, but I thought it was temporary.”
“Kyungsoo…I’m so sorry.” Kyungsoo looks at him, and he can tell that Kris is genuinely upset that he’s been hurt.
“It doesn’t matter anymore. I know I should care, but I don’t. Not since I met you at least. I don’t care about Luhan. I care about you.” Kyungsoo’s voice gets softer and it’s hard to hear him now. “Probably more than I should.”
There’s a pained look in Kris’s eyes, like maybe he’s holding back, but whether it’s for Kyungsoo’s sake or his own, it’s not clear. He seems to be fighting something in himself before finally deciding and pressing his lips to Kyungsoo's. It’s so gentle and hesitant, like he thinks that Kyungsoo might fall to pieces in his hands if he holds too tight.
So Kyungsoo does it for him, pressing forward and letting Kris know that he’s real, he’s here, and he’s not letting go.
He pulls back and brushes Kyungsoo’s matted hair out of his eyes and rests their foreheads together.
“Fuck, I’ve been wanting to do that for so long,” he breathes.
“Yeah, me too,” Kyungsoo whispers against soft lips.
"Please don't stop," he says and presses his lips against Kris's again, urging him to take take take.
Kyungsoo climbs onto Kris’s lap and reaches for one of his hands where it’s lightly resting on Kyungsoo’s waist and he guides it under his shirt, silently telling him that it’s okay to touch. His hands leave a burning trail on Kyungsoo’s skin and it’s too much and not enough all at the same time.
Kris splays his hands over Kyungsoo’s ribs and his breath catches. Kyungsoo briefly wonders how it would feel to press so close that he sinks into Kris, how it would feel to be that much closer to his heart. He leans back just enough to tug his shirt off and reaches to do the same with Kris’s but he stops him before he can go too far.
“Kyungsoo…”
“Kris, please. I need this.”
“Are you sure?”
Kyungsoo leans back. “Do you not want me?”
“God, no. I want you. I want you so much, Kyungsoo. I just- I need to make sure that this is really what you want before you do something you’ll regret later.”
Kyungsoo grips his face and looks at him seriously. “Kris, if there’s one thing I won’t regret later, it’s you.”
“Okay,” Kris whispers. “Okay,” he repeats, like he’s telling himself that he’s finally allowed to have what he’s wanted all this time.
He stands up, bringing Kyungsoo with him as his legs wrap around Kris’s waist and it’s like a fire has ignited within him. His touches aren’t careful and laced with gentleness. Not anymore. It’s like he’s forcing Kyungsoo to open up and give in, forcing him to pour everything he has into Kris because he’ll take it all without complaint and Kyungsoo realizes that he’d let Kris do that for him.
Every inch of them is pressed together and Kris is gripping his hips with a strength he didn't know he had and Kyungsoo feels as if he might fall to little pieces if he lets go. Their teeth clash together and Kris licks into Kyungsoo's mouth, exploring every inch. He bites down on Kyungsoo’s lip and he thinks that he broke skin but that's okay because he wants Kris to tear him apart inch by delicious inch until there’s no one in the world who can put Kyungsoo together again except Kris himself.
He pushes Kyungsoo against the wall and his hands roam against every bit of exposed skin and his body feels like it’s on fire. His hands tangle in Kris’s hair and Kris ruts against him, pushing their hardening cocks together and Kyungsoo tilts his head back in a silent scream.
“Bedroom,” Kyungsoo chokes out and Kris immediately obeys.
Kris lays him down gently on the bed and crawls over him, a hungry look in his eyes that makes Kyungsoo’s stomach bottom out. He leans down, latching his lips to Kyungsoo’s neck and he turns his head to give Kris better access. Kris licks a stripe from behind his ear to his shoulder and bites down, hard and possessive and Kyungsoo lets out a long, guttural moan. He can’t take the teasing anymore, but it’s hard to form words when Kris is doing this to him, so he bucks his hips up and hope Kris gets the message.
Kris tugs down Kyungsoo’s pants and he’s finally expecting relief but when he’s down to his boxers, Kris slows down, leaning over and to mouth Kyungsoo through the thin fabric.
“Please, please, please,” Kyungsoo chants over and over and Kris finally pulls down his boxers. Kyungsoo’s cock springs out, heavy and red and Kris leans over, taking the head in his mouth, licking along the underside before swallowing him down whole. Kyungsoo reaches down and laces his hands through the strands of Kris’s impossibly soft hair, resisting the urge to push him farther down.
“Stop, stop. Gonna come.” He pulls up on Kris’s hair, signaling him to get off and Kris lets Kyungsoo’s cock fall from his lips. “Come then,” he says, taking Kyungsoo back in his mouth and it only takes a few more licks before Kyungsoo is seeing white. Kris swallows it all down and he licks the tip clean and Kyungsoo takes a moment to catch his breath.
He reaches down to touch Kris, but he grabs Kyungsoo by one wrist, and then the other, before pinning them both above his head. When he meets Kris’s eyes, he feels so exposed but he wants Kris to see everything that he is.
“Let me make you feel good.” He can see how much Kris wants this, how much he wants to satisfy him so he nods and decides to let Kris take care of him for tonight.
This time when Kris leans down and their lips meet, it’s slow and sensual, Kris taking his time to explore every inch of Kyungsoo’s mouth.
He leans back, panting, and rummages in his bedside drawer before withdrawing a small bottle of lube, pouring a little bit in his hand and taking his time to warm it up before slowly inserting a long, slick finger into Kyungsoo. He’s moving so slow and it’s not long before Kyungsoo’s ready for another. The soft kisses he presses to the inside of Kyungsoo’s thigh make it more bearable when he adds a third.
Kyungsoo’s cock is almost fully hard again by the time Kris finds that one spot. Kyungsoo feels like he might scream from the pleasure as Kris hits it over and over again. He’s not sure how long he’ll be able to hold out and he needs all of Kris.
“Now. I’m ready now.”
Kris pulls his fingers out, leaving Kyungsoo feeling so empty. He pours more than enough lube on his cock before putting the tip to Kyungsoo’s hole, pushing in slightly, letting Kyungsoo adjust little by little until he’s all the way in.
Kyungsoo feels so full, feels like he might explode from the inside out. He bucks his hips forward, testing to see how it feels. It stings a little but the pleasure greatly outweighs the pain so he tells Kris to move. Kris’s thrusts are shallow at first, and Kyungsoo has to practically beg him to get him to go faster, deeper, harder.
Kyungsoo comes again, arching off the bed as spurts of white decorate his stomach. Kyungsoo’s low moan is enough to send Kris over the edge and he comes too, spilling into Kyungsoo and it’s so hot inside him. Kris doesn’t pull out at first, giving a few more thrusts of his softening cock and Kyungsoo whines from the. When Kris slips out of him, he feels the loss and whines into Kris’s neck. Kris rolls over beside him and Kyungsoo traces invisible lines on Kris’s skin, kissing everywhere his finger draws.
“Come on,” he says rolling out of bed and pulling Kyungsoo with him. “Let’s get cleaned up.”
-
Kyungsoo walks around inspecting Kris’s bedroom. It’s filled with warm colors and everything is so vibrant, except for the sheets on his bed, which are pristine and white. Kyungsoo stops himself from making a cheesy comment about how it’s like a blank canvas and they can create something beautiful on it.
“Get in.” Kris pats the empty space in the bed beside him and Kyungsoo crawls in, the sheets warm and soft. Kris grabs him by his sides and flips them both over, a huge grin on his face, and plants a wet kiss on the center of Kyungsoo’s forehead. A laugh escapes from deep within Kyungsoo’s chest and it feels good to be happy for once.
"Do you ever wonder what it would’ve been like if we had met earlier?" Kyungsoo whispers into Kris’s lips.
Kris shakes his head. "Not really. I think we met when we were supposed to meet and that's how it is."
"You know, you're pretty wise sometimes."
“That must be why you like me.” Kris teases.
“Well, I guess that’s one reason.”
He pulls Kris close and tangles their legs together and presses his face into his neck and just breathes. He’s not sure whether to say ‘thank you’ or ‘I love you’ or ‘I hope you never leave’ so he pulls him in tighter and hopes that maybe his feelings will sink through Kris’s skin and he’ll understand how much he needs him. Kyungsoo lays his head on his stomach, letting the heavy ins and outs of Kris’s breathing lull him to sleep and it’s enough for now.