I am looking for my beautiful dreams (and I always find you there)
★Title: I am looking for my beautiful dreams (and I always find you there) for meanie_minnie ♡
★Pairing: Kyungsoo/Chanyeol
★Rating: nc-17
★Length: 2545 words
★Warnings/Disclaimers: unprotected sex, character death, mentions of sucide
★Author’s notes/Messages for the recipient: This is probably not what you expected but if it is I am really happy. I hope you enjoy!
★Summary: Chanyeol comes and leaves from Kyungsoo's life messing it all up.
Kyungsoo always takes the train when he goes home from the campus and coincidentally Chanyeol likes to perform there, playing his guitar at the same hours and smiling at the same people who are always there.
Kyungsoo is one of the those people even though he doesn't know when he became so addicted to Chanyeol's songs or maybe not really his songs and more probably Chanyeol himself.
The train station is a small one, full of benches and walls covered in graffiti and it usually is the home of many unsheltered people. The only good thing about it is that it’s really close to Kyungsoo’s campus and so extremely comfortable for going back and forth between home and campus.
Kyungsoo met Chanyeol in one of his worse than usual days and because of lack of other things to do Kyungsoo continued meeting him when he skipped classes.
"Why are you performing?" Kyungsoo had asked, sometime around their third meeting and Chanyeol had answered immediately, with as much energy as he does everything else.
"Because I like it."
As simple as that. Without hesitation or second thoughts. That's when Kyungsoo started envying Chanyeol.
"Don't you get tired of it?" Kyungsoo had asked more persistently, but the answer had been the same, unchangingly clear and honest
"No, because I like it"
A few meetings later, though, their places changed and Chanyeol was the one asking the questions
"Why are you still going if you hate it?" Chanyeol asked, slowly strumming the chords to his guitar
"Because I have to"
"As simple as that? No other reason?"
And Kyungsoo realized that yes, yes it could be as simple as that, just like Chanyeol played here because he liked it, Kyungsoo did things because he had to.
"Yeah"
"Don't you get tired of it?" Chanyeol questioned, glancing at Kyungsoo.
"I'm tired. But I still have to go" Kyungsoo answered and his voice wavered. Even he had a hard time believing himself.
"Then you should stop going or start enjoying it" Chanyeol laughed, putting his guitar aside and watching as people went by "That should make it easier"
The raw sound of skin hitting skin echoed in the train station and Kyungsoo quickly got to his feet, almost regretting slapping Chanyeol "It's not that easy so don't just talk like you know how it feels"
And he stood up and gave up on the idea of waiting for the train to come with Chanyeol.
He didn't take the train anymore for the next month.
Later, when he started frequenting the train station again, Chanyeol greeted him and played his guitar the same way he did before Kyungsoo lashed out at him.
"Aren't you mad at me?" the question felt heavy, mostly because Kyungsoo was afraid that Chanyeol would say yes.
"Should I be?" Chanyeol asked back, but instead of waiting for an answer he started playing a tune "Listen to this, I just finished writing it."
The song felt familiar with its merry beginning which gradually slowed down and went lower, but Kyungsoo didn't know where he heard it before.
"It sounds nice." he said and Chanyeol started laughing, tapping his foot against the concrete. Kyungsoo had come to realize that Chanyeol just can't stay still.
"It's incomplete, but I'm working on it."
Kyungsoo heard the tune again, several times, but he still didn't remember when he first heard it. Chanyeol always played it when Kyungsoo asked him.
"I really think I heard this before." Kyungsoo said, leaning his head on Chanyeol's shoulder. Chanyeol, Kyungsoo had discovered a few meetings ago, couldn't keep his hands to himself and Kyungsoo started touching back, because it felt secure, more secure than he ever felt. Because Chanyeol never left him or lied to him, except maybe just once.
"I think you did, too, because I've been playing this song for a while." Chanyeol laughed, playing the ending notes of the song "I even came up with some lyrics."
"Oh? Please sing them."
"Nah, some parts don't go well with my voice" Chanyeol complained, glancing at Kyungsoo and smiling mischievously "But they could go well with yours."
"No, no, no Chanyeol, I don't sing anymore."
"Aww, come on, you're probably so good at it."
Kyungsoo was supposedly really good at singing, but he'd stopped, two years ago he stopped and he didn't plan on starting again "It doesn't matter, I just won't sing."
Chanyeol just laughed again "I told you, you should try to enjoy what you do and singing is probably an enjoyable thing so go ahead."
Kyungsoo didn't lash out at Chanyeol anymore, he'd gotten used to his carefree attitude and he knew that screaming at him won't change anything.
The first time Kyungsoo managed to meet Chanyeol outside of the train station was on a weird, humid day.
It was around noon, Kyungsoo was tired, his eyes red from crying when he saw Chanyeol. He looked different, dressed in expensive looking clothes and he was talking to a shorter man clad in a black suit and wearing glasses. He seemed like he was lecturing Chanyeol.
"You should come home, stop it with this nonsense." the man screamed at Chanyeol and his eyes were cold.
"I'm having fun, I don't want to come back to that place."
"There you go again, you stupid kid." the man slapped Chanyeol, seemingly annoyed enough that his face was red.
Kyungsoo turned around, going back home and completely ignoring the scene. It was none of his business after all.
Still, when he saw Chanyeol again, his tongue slipped "Is your cheek alright?"
"It's okay."
Just like that, no explications, no questions, he didn't even smile.
"Do you mind playing that tune again? I want to try to sing a little bit." Kyungsoo said and maybe Chanyeol wasn't that carefree after all, maybe he had worries of his own and maybe what he said about trying to enjoy yourself actually came out of experience.
"Mhmm, okay." he smiled a little, taking out a notebook from his guitar case and handing it to Kyungsoo "The parts in red are yours and the black ones are mine."
"Do you know them by heart?" Kyungsoo asked mouthing the words on the paper.
"Yeah." Chanyeol started playing and Kyungsoo sang along, getting into the song. It sounded really good. But Chanyeol, Chanyeol just made it better. His voice was normally deep, but now, it went so well with song and with the high notes Kyungsoo reached, it was smooth and just a tiny bit higher than usual and the sound was extremely nice.
"Wow, Chanyeol, those lyrics are so nice and you sound so good." Kyungsoo said smiling at him and Chanyeol started laughing.
"If it wasn't for your amazing voice it would have sucked" he sounded more like Chanyeol again "Hey, Kyungsoo,"
"Hmm? What?"
"When you saw me with that man." he began, anxiously glancing at Kyungsoo.
"You don't have to tell me if you don't want to, we can both have our own secrets." Kyungsoo said smiling at Chanyeol and taking his hand.
"I want to have a secret with you." he pulled Kyungsoo's hand to his lips, kissing it "But you don't have to listen."
Kyungsoo was probably completely red because his cheeks were burning "Then I'll tell you mine. We can exchange our secrets"
"That man, Mr Park, is my father and he's a filthy rich man that doesn't care about anything but himself and his money and I was supposed to be his successor. So I ran away." Chanyeol explained slowly strumming the chords of his guitar.
"What about your mother? Didn't she have anything to say about that?" Kyungsoo asked suddenly and he immediately regretted his question because Chanyeol looked away, an apparent furrow between his brows and his eyes looked a little too shiny.
"She's dead." he said slowly "Died when I was a kid."
"That must have felt horrible." Kyungsoo didn’t know what else to say, because in those situations nothing makes you feel better
"Aren't you going to say you're sorry or something like that?"
"You know, both my parents are dead so I think that even if you hate your father you should love him, because you still have him" Kyungsoo said "Yeah, that sounds like bullshit, I know, but that's what I think"
Chanyeol turned to look at him, leaning in closer "Can I kiss you?" and he sounded so breathless, so vulnerable and open. Kyungsoo didn't answer, instead he closed the distance between them and Chanyeol's lips were rough and bitten but they felt so good and they were so close.
When he pulled back Chanyeol kissed him again, deeper, rougher more desperate like he was looking for something to hold on to. Kyungsoo wanted to assure him that he can be there for him forever, but forever sounded like such a long period for such small words.
Kyungsoo maybe couldn’t promise Chanyeol a forever, but maybe they could have their forever in their little moments they shared.
Kyungsoo stopped skipping classes and he started working hard and harder and harder so that he could give Chanyeol a forever, however short it was and Chanyeol stopped trying to get away from his father, trying to treasure what he has.
And Chanyeol would be there for Kyungsoo, in the little moments of insecurity he had, when he was afraid of the dark.
“You’re going to leave me” Kyungsoo said one night and Chanyeol had him in his arms close enough to feel his breath on his skin.
“I’m not going to leave you” and it wasn’t a promise, but Kyungsoo didn’t need one, he didn’t need one when Chanyeol was so close to him “I love you, Kyungsoo and that’s not going to change”
Chanyeol leaned his forehead on Kyungsoo’s, hands on either side of his head and he just breathed in his scent, his air “You’re so beautiful” he said
Kyungsoo smiled, pulling his down and kissing him, kissing him again and again, until his lips were numb and his heart beating loudly in his chest “I love you too Chanyeol”
Kyungsoo pulled at the hem of Chanyeol’s shirt taking it off and throwing it away, followed by the rest of his clothing until he could feel his skin against his, Chanyeol’s breathing on his temple and his hands on Kyungsoo’s waist.
Chanyeol kissed his lips again and his cheeks and throat and chest and Kyungsoo felt dizzy and lightheaded when he pulled Chanyeol up again to kiss him “Fuck me” he breathed against his throat “Fuck, Chanyeol, I need you”
Kyungsoo touched Chanyeol’s cock, moving his hand down the length of it before he grabbed the lube, poured some on his palm and repeated the action, watching Chanyeol moan and groan and whine, breathing laboured and teeth sharp against Kyungsoo’s collar bones.
When Chanyeol thrusted inside of him Kyungsoo felt so full, so good and his cock was so thick and it burned but it just made it feel better. Kyungsoo couldn’t breathe. Chanyeol kissed him again, so fervently and wet and he was moving so slowly, allowing both Kyungsoo and himself to enjoy it longer.
And Kyungsoo couldn’t take it any longer, he moaned and pulled Chanyeol with him when he came, all hot and sticky over his hand and stomach.
“Fuck” Chanyeol said and he was still shuddering, holding Kyungsoo closer to him and kissing the top of his head “Baby, you were so good”
Kyungsoo smiled and hugged Chanyeol back whispering that he loves him and he wants to stay like this forever.
Seemingly their forever wasn’t as long as they wanted and it shattered so suddenly and unexpectedly that it was hard to believe.
★
“Thank you so much, I knew I could get things done if I came to you, Mr Do.” a client says, shaking Kyungsoo’s hand repeatedly and bowing.
“Of course.” Kyungsoo smiles “Is tomorrow okay?”
“Yes, perfect, thank you very much” the man bows again shaking Kyungsoo’s hand one more time before getting out.
“Hey, Baekhyun make me a coffee.” he says pushing his hair out of his eyes and sighing “And please tell me that was the last one.”
“Luckily for you it was and you should forget about that coffee, your dark circles are down to your mouth.” Baekhyun teases smirking at Kyungsoo amusedly.
“Thanks Baekhyun for your worrying, but I don’t need it.”
“Are you going there now?”
“Yeah, I am, but I told you don’t worry. I can take care of myself” Kyungsoo reassures him smiling and he wishes it could actually be like that.
Kyungsoo is a successful architect now, he has his own company and people working in it that he can actually trust and call friends. He would like to believe that his parents up there are proud of him and are watching over him, but that would be a childish thing to say. Because he worked his bones off getting this far. And surprisingly he doesn’t feel content or happy, but he never believed that he will ever feel happy again either way.
Kyungsoo lost his everything and he can’t even start thinking of how to fill those holes, because the most important people to him that should be right here besides him, cheering him on and pushing him forward are nowhere to be found. His parents have been gone for years now and Kyungsoo knows he loves them and misses them, but so much time passed that he can’t even recall their faces.
Chanyeol though, Chanyeol is a whole different story. Kyungsoo can remember everything about him, his wide smile, his eyes, his lips, his voice, his face, his body, even the scratches on his guitar, he remembers it so well it hurts. Chanyeol has been etched into his skin, eyes, ears with no way to forget him.
Kyungsoo never expected a forever, but he didn’t expect everything to be taken from him so cruelly either.
It was his stupid idea too.
Chanyeol should have stayed there in China, his trip would have ended and he would have come to Kyungsoo with that smile of his, warm and unschated in his arms. But no, Kyungsoo had to call, he had to cry and beg him to come back, he had to tell him about his loneliness and about how sad he feels. And Chanyeol came, he came and he listened to Kyungsoo’s selfish demands and he boarded the first plane that would lead him home, to Kyungsoo.
But he never got to Kyungsoo in the end, Kyungsoo never saw Chanyeol’s smile again and it was all his fault.
And even so, Kyungsoo was the one that thrashed his home, broke his things, threw everything away, tried to hurt himself, tried to kill himself, but he never succeeded because Kyungsoo is just that kind of unfortunate person everybody pities.
Even now, sometimes, Kyungsoo wishes he was in Chanyeol’s place, but then he is reminded of the pain he felt, followed by the unbearable numbness and emptiness.
★
Kyungsoo always takes the train when he goes home and coincidentally Chanyeol likes to perform there, playing his guitar at the same hours and smiling at the same people who are always there.
Kyungsoo misses Chanyeol’s smile.
★Pairing: Kyungsoo/Chanyeol
★Rating: nc-17
★Length: 2545 words
★Warnings/Disclaimers: unprotected sex, character death, mentions of sucide
★Author’s notes/Messages for the recipient: This is probably not what you expected but if it is I am really happy. I hope you enjoy!
★Summary: Chanyeol comes and leaves from Kyungsoo's life messing it all up.
Kyungsoo always takes the train when he goes home from the campus and coincidentally Chanyeol likes to perform there, playing his guitar at the same hours and smiling at the same people who are always there.
Kyungsoo is one of the those people even though he doesn't know when he became so addicted to Chanyeol's songs or maybe not really his songs and more probably Chanyeol himself.
The train station is a small one, full of benches and walls covered in graffiti and it usually is the home of many unsheltered people. The only good thing about it is that it’s really close to Kyungsoo’s campus and so extremely comfortable for going back and forth between home and campus.
Kyungsoo met Chanyeol in one of his worse than usual days and because of lack of other things to do Kyungsoo continued meeting him when he skipped classes.
"Why are you performing?" Kyungsoo had asked, sometime around their third meeting and Chanyeol had answered immediately, with as much energy as he does everything else.
"Because I like it."
As simple as that. Without hesitation or second thoughts. That's when Kyungsoo started envying Chanyeol.
"Don't you get tired of it?" Kyungsoo had asked more persistently, but the answer had been the same, unchangingly clear and honest
"No, because I like it"
A few meetings later, though, their places changed and Chanyeol was the one asking the questions
"Why are you still going if you hate it?" Chanyeol asked, slowly strumming the chords to his guitar
"Because I have to"
"As simple as that? No other reason?"
And Kyungsoo realized that yes, yes it could be as simple as that, just like Chanyeol played here because he liked it, Kyungsoo did things because he had to.
"Yeah"
"Don't you get tired of it?" Chanyeol questioned, glancing at Kyungsoo.
"I'm tired. But I still have to go" Kyungsoo answered and his voice wavered. Even he had a hard time believing himself.
"Then you should stop going or start enjoying it" Chanyeol laughed, putting his guitar aside and watching as people went by "That should make it easier"
The raw sound of skin hitting skin echoed in the train station and Kyungsoo quickly got to his feet, almost regretting slapping Chanyeol "It's not that easy so don't just talk like you know how it feels"
And he stood up and gave up on the idea of waiting for the train to come with Chanyeol.
He didn't take the train anymore for the next month.
Later, when he started frequenting the train station again, Chanyeol greeted him and played his guitar the same way he did before Kyungsoo lashed out at him.
"Aren't you mad at me?" the question felt heavy, mostly because Kyungsoo was afraid that Chanyeol would say yes.
"Should I be?" Chanyeol asked back, but instead of waiting for an answer he started playing a tune "Listen to this, I just finished writing it."
The song felt familiar with its merry beginning which gradually slowed down and went lower, but Kyungsoo didn't know where he heard it before.
"It sounds nice." he said and Chanyeol started laughing, tapping his foot against the concrete. Kyungsoo had come to realize that Chanyeol just can't stay still.
"It's incomplete, but I'm working on it."
Kyungsoo heard the tune again, several times, but he still didn't remember when he first heard it. Chanyeol always played it when Kyungsoo asked him.
"I really think I heard this before." Kyungsoo said, leaning his head on Chanyeol's shoulder. Chanyeol, Kyungsoo had discovered a few meetings ago, couldn't keep his hands to himself and Kyungsoo started touching back, because it felt secure, more secure than he ever felt. Because Chanyeol never left him or lied to him, except maybe just once.
"I think you did, too, because I've been playing this song for a while." Chanyeol laughed, playing the ending notes of the song "I even came up with some lyrics."
"Oh? Please sing them."
"Nah, some parts don't go well with my voice" Chanyeol complained, glancing at Kyungsoo and smiling mischievously "But they could go well with yours."
"No, no, no Chanyeol, I don't sing anymore."
"Aww, come on, you're probably so good at it."
Kyungsoo was supposedly really good at singing, but he'd stopped, two years ago he stopped and he didn't plan on starting again "It doesn't matter, I just won't sing."
Chanyeol just laughed again "I told you, you should try to enjoy what you do and singing is probably an enjoyable thing so go ahead."
Kyungsoo didn't lash out at Chanyeol anymore, he'd gotten used to his carefree attitude and he knew that screaming at him won't change anything.
The first time Kyungsoo managed to meet Chanyeol outside of the train station was on a weird, humid day.
It was around noon, Kyungsoo was tired, his eyes red from crying when he saw Chanyeol. He looked different, dressed in expensive looking clothes and he was talking to a shorter man clad in a black suit and wearing glasses. He seemed like he was lecturing Chanyeol.
"You should come home, stop it with this nonsense." the man screamed at Chanyeol and his eyes were cold.
"I'm having fun, I don't want to come back to that place."
"There you go again, you stupid kid." the man slapped Chanyeol, seemingly annoyed enough that his face was red.
Kyungsoo turned around, going back home and completely ignoring the scene. It was none of his business after all.
Still, when he saw Chanyeol again, his tongue slipped "Is your cheek alright?"
"It's okay."
Just like that, no explications, no questions, he didn't even smile.
"Do you mind playing that tune again? I want to try to sing a little bit." Kyungsoo said and maybe Chanyeol wasn't that carefree after all, maybe he had worries of his own and maybe what he said about trying to enjoy yourself actually came out of experience.
"Mhmm, okay." he smiled a little, taking out a notebook from his guitar case and handing it to Kyungsoo "The parts in red are yours and the black ones are mine."
"Do you know them by heart?" Kyungsoo asked mouthing the words on the paper.
"Yeah." Chanyeol started playing and Kyungsoo sang along, getting into the song. It sounded really good. But Chanyeol, Chanyeol just made it better. His voice was normally deep, but now, it went so well with song and with the high notes Kyungsoo reached, it was smooth and just a tiny bit higher than usual and the sound was extremely nice.
"Wow, Chanyeol, those lyrics are so nice and you sound so good." Kyungsoo said smiling at him and Chanyeol started laughing.
"If it wasn't for your amazing voice it would have sucked" he sounded more like Chanyeol again "Hey, Kyungsoo,"
"Hmm? What?"
"When you saw me with that man." he began, anxiously glancing at Kyungsoo.
"You don't have to tell me if you don't want to, we can both have our own secrets." Kyungsoo said smiling at Chanyeol and taking his hand.
"I want to have a secret with you." he pulled Kyungsoo's hand to his lips, kissing it "But you don't have to listen."
Kyungsoo was probably completely red because his cheeks were burning "Then I'll tell you mine. We can exchange our secrets"
"That man, Mr Park, is my father and he's a filthy rich man that doesn't care about anything but himself and his money and I was supposed to be his successor. So I ran away." Chanyeol explained slowly strumming the chords of his guitar.
"What about your mother? Didn't she have anything to say about that?" Kyungsoo asked suddenly and he immediately regretted his question because Chanyeol looked away, an apparent furrow between his brows and his eyes looked a little too shiny.
"She's dead." he said slowly "Died when I was a kid."
"That must have felt horrible." Kyungsoo didn’t know what else to say, because in those situations nothing makes you feel better
"Aren't you going to say you're sorry or something like that?"
"You know, both my parents are dead so I think that even if you hate your father you should love him, because you still have him" Kyungsoo said "Yeah, that sounds like bullshit, I know, but that's what I think"
Chanyeol turned to look at him, leaning in closer "Can I kiss you?" and he sounded so breathless, so vulnerable and open. Kyungsoo didn't answer, instead he closed the distance between them and Chanyeol's lips were rough and bitten but they felt so good and they were so close.
When he pulled back Chanyeol kissed him again, deeper, rougher more desperate like he was looking for something to hold on to. Kyungsoo wanted to assure him that he can be there for him forever, but forever sounded like such a long period for such small words.
Kyungsoo maybe couldn’t promise Chanyeol a forever, but maybe they could have their forever in their little moments they shared.
Kyungsoo stopped skipping classes and he started working hard and harder and harder so that he could give Chanyeol a forever, however short it was and Chanyeol stopped trying to get away from his father, trying to treasure what he has.
And Chanyeol would be there for Kyungsoo, in the little moments of insecurity he had, when he was afraid of the dark.
“You’re going to leave me” Kyungsoo said one night and Chanyeol had him in his arms close enough to feel his breath on his skin.
“I’m not going to leave you” and it wasn’t a promise, but Kyungsoo didn’t need one, he didn’t need one when Chanyeol was so close to him “I love you, Kyungsoo and that’s not going to change”
Chanyeol leaned his forehead on Kyungsoo’s, hands on either side of his head and he just breathed in his scent, his air “You’re so beautiful” he said
Kyungsoo smiled, pulling his down and kissing him, kissing him again and again, until his lips were numb and his heart beating loudly in his chest “I love you too Chanyeol”
Kyungsoo pulled at the hem of Chanyeol’s shirt taking it off and throwing it away, followed by the rest of his clothing until he could feel his skin against his, Chanyeol’s breathing on his temple and his hands on Kyungsoo’s waist.
Chanyeol kissed his lips again and his cheeks and throat and chest and Kyungsoo felt dizzy and lightheaded when he pulled Chanyeol up again to kiss him “Fuck me” he breathed against his throat “Fuck, Chanyeol, I need you”
Kyungsoo touched Chanyeol’s cock, moving his hand down the length of it before he grabbed the lube, poured some on his palm and repeated the action, watching Chanyeol moan and groan and whine, breathing laboured and teeth sharp against Kyungsoo’s collar bones.
When Chanyeol thrusted inside of him Kyungsoo felt so full, so good and his cock was so thick and it burned but it just made it feel better. Kyungsoo couldn’t breathe. Chanyeol kissed him again, so fervently and wet and he was moving so slowly, allowing both Kyungsoo and himself to enjoy it longer.
And Kyungsoo couldn’t take it any longer, he moaned and pulled Chanyeol with him when he came, all hot and sticky over his hand and stomach.
“Fuck” Chanyeol said and he was still shuddering, holding Kyungsoo closer to him and kissing the top of his head “Baby, you were so good”
Kyungsoo smiled and hugged Chanyeol back whispering that he loves him and he wants to stay like this forever.
Seemingly their forever wasn’t as long as they wanted and it shattered so suddenly and unexpectedly that it was hard to believe.
★
“Thank you so much, I knew I could get things done if I came to you, Mr Do.” a client says, shaking Kyungsoo’s hand repeatedly and bowing.
“Of course.” Kyungsoo smiles “Is tomorrow okay?”
“Yes, perfect, thank you very much” the man bows again shaking Kyungsoo’s hand one more time before getting out.
“Hey, Baekhyun make me a coffee.” he says pushing his hair out of his eyes and sighing “And please tell me that was the last one.”
“Luckily for you it was and you should forget about that coffee, your dark circles are down to your mouth.” Baekhyun teases smirking at Kyungsoo amusedly.
“Thanks Baekhyun for your worrying, but I don’t need it.”
“Are you going there now?”
“Yeah, I am, but I told you don’t worry. I can take care of myself” Kyungsoo reassures him smiling and he wishes it could actually be like that.
Kyungsoo is a successful architect now, he has his own company and people working in it that he can actually trust and call friends. He would like to believe that his parents up there are proud of him and are watching over him, but that would be a childish thing to say. Because he worked his bones off getting this far. And surprisingly he doesn’t feel content or happy, but he never believed that he will ever feel happy again either way.
Kyungsoo lost his everything and he can’t even start thinking of how to fill those holes, because the most important people to him that should be right here besides him, cheering him on and pushing him forward are nowhere to be found. His parents have been gone for years now and Kyungsoo knows he loves them and misses them, but so much time passed that he can’t even recall their faces.
Chanyeol though, Chanyeol is a whole different story. Kyungsoo can remember everything about him, his wide smile, his eyes, his lips, his voice, his face, his body, even the scratches on his guitar, he remembers it so well it hurts. Chanyeol has been etched into his skin, eyes, ears with no way to forget him.
Kyungsoo never expected a forever, but he didn’t expect everything to be taken from him so cruelly either.
It was his stupid idea too.
Chanyeol should have stayed there in China, his trip would have ended and he would have come to Kyungsoo with that smile of his, warm and unschated in his arms. But no, Kyungsoo had to call, he had to cry and beg him to come back, he had to tell him about his loneliness and about how sad he feels. And Chanyeol came, he came and he listened to Kyungsoo’s selfish demands and he boarded the first plane that would lead him home, to Kyungsoo.
But he never got to Kyungsoo in the end, Kyungsoo never saw Chanyeol’s smile again and it was all his fault.
And even so, Kyungsoo was the one that thrashed his home, broke his things, threw everything away, tried to hurt himself, tried to kill himself, but he never succeeded because Kyungsoo is just that kind of unfortunate person everybody pities.
Even now, sometimes, Kyungsoo wishes he was in Chanyeol’s place, but then he is reminded of the pain he felt, followed by the unbearable numbness and emptiness.
★
Kyungsoo always takes the train when he goes home and coincidentally Chanyeol likes to perform there, playing his guitar at the same hours and smiling at the same people who are always there.
Kyungsoo misses Chanyeol’s smile.