e-mail I sent to my therapist
Karen,
I got my period back. I was really happy about it, but now I have mixed feelings. I feel like everything is changing at once. Getting my period back means that I'm a lot healthier then I was. I don't know if I'm ready for that. I know that I'm just upset that I lost my grandmother (mimi) and this isn't really about my body at all. I started seeing myself as too fat when she died. i felt really out of control because I had to take a week off of work and go to the wake and the funeral which was really scary. I really am uncomfortable with what I ate in Massachusetts though, and if I keep on eating like that I will relapse. I think I'm just going to go back to having 3 meals a snack and 1 dessert a day which is what I was having before. I never get my period at unhealthy weights, so the weight I'm at is ok, apparently. I found out today that Sarah killed her baby, I'm so mad. I'm just trying to accept it, because I can't control the decision she made. I prayed for her and offered to help her and that's all I can do. I hope the Lord will give me peace about this, because right now I'm really mad. I thought about my options for living arrangements and decided that I'm not going to rush into anything and I will just stay here for now. Sarah is only applying for jobs in GA, so chances are she will get one soon. When she comes I guess we will move then. Sarah is a very supportive person for me. If she finds a job she likes things will work out. I'm really nervous about eating now because I'm finally seeing results of it. I gained a little bit of weight, I don't feel sick any more, and I got my period back. Which means I'm not anorexic anymore. That's scary as hell. I don't know how people ever really recover, but I trust you that I do. I don't feel special or good enough since I don't meet diagnostic criteria for anorexia anymore, because it was my identity and my one safety net for so long. Being anorexic takes a lot of work. It's very difficult to maintain such a low weight and a strict diet and be sick all the time and still function. I think I'm just going to focus on work right now and moving up, because I love working so much. This sounds really sick but a part of me was always proud to be anorexic because it requires so much work. I guess I'll just have to find other things to work hard on. There is one part of me that really wants to get better and knows that it's ok not to have an eating disorder. There are so many options in life for healthy people, and I think that scares me so much. Usually if you are really scared to do something you either really should do it or really shouldn't and it is really easy to figure out which. I'm really scared of recovery and being normal and not having an eating disorder. But I know I should keep eating and keep trying and keep living and I will.
peace & love,
~Brianna
I got my period back. I was really happy about it, but now I have mixed feelings. I feel like everything is changing at once. Getting my period back means that I'm a lot healthier then I was. I don't know if I'm ready for that. I know that I'm just upset that I lost my grandmother (mimi) and this isn't really about my body at all. I started seeing myself as too fat when she died. i felt really out of control because I had to take a week off of work and go to the wake and the funeral which was really scary. I really am uncomfortable with what I ate in Massachusetts though, and if I keep on eating like that I will relapse. I think I'm just going to go back to having 3 meals a snack and 1 dessert a day which is what I was having before. I never get my period at unhealthy weights, so the weight I'm at is ok, apparently. I found out today that Sarah killed her baby, I'm so mad. I'm just trying to accept it, because I can't control the decision she made. I prayed for her and offered to help her and that's all I can do. I hope the Lord will give me peace about this, because right now I'm really mad. I thought about my options for living arrangements and decided that I'm not going to rush into anything and I will just stay here for now. Sarah is only applying for jobs in GA, so chances are she will get one soon. When she comes I guess we will move then. Sarah is a very supportive person for me. If she finds a job she likes things will work out. I'm really nervous about eating now because I'm finally seeing results of it. I gained a little bit of weight, I don't feel sick any more, and I got my period back. Which means I'm not anorexic anymore. That's scary as hell. I don't know how people ever really recover, but I trust you that I do. I don't feel special or good enough since I don't meet diagnostic criteria for anorexia anymore, because it was my identity and my one safety net for so long. Being anorexic takes a lot of work. It's very difficult to maintain such a low weight and a strict diet and be sick all the time and still function. I think I'm just going to focus on work right now and moving up, because I love working so much. This sounds really sick but a part of me was always proud to be anorexic because it requires so much work. I guess I'll just have to find other things to work hard on. There is one part of me that really wants to get better and knows that it's ok not to have an eating disorder. There are so many options in life for healthy people, and I think that scares me so much. Usually if you are really scared to do something you either really should do it or really shouldn't and it is really easy to figure out which. I'm really scared of recovery and being normal and not having an eating disorder. But I know I should keep eating and keep trying and keep living and I will.
peace & love,
~Brianna