(no subject)
The reason why I haven't updated in a while is because I feel that I have to update you on everything that's happened since I last updated. Which would take forever and a day, and I don't want to. So I'm not going to.
I'm writing in this because it's secluded, and I don't feel that I have to mask everything I say, like I do on myspace. According to my friends page, I have no friends [everyone else migrated to myspace or facebook or I've just fallen out of touch with them]. So unless someone comes across this by chance, I'm pretty much alone here.
Alone is how i feel today. It's bittersweet. After having an enormously social weekend, it's a huge contrast back to the humdrum that is weekly life. I had a great time partying and bonding with people, I had my first drunken jam session since last August. Drunken jam sessions happen when me and a bunch of people [usually guys, for some reason] randomly find a musical instrument somewhere in the house and gather around it and play and sing what we know. Saturday nigiht it happened to be a piano. It's amazing, and makes me feel amazing.. music makes me happy and playing it makes me extraordinarily happy.. I really need to start doing it again. A couple of the guys wanted me to join the band, so once I find them on the internet again I'm going to try to get that conversation going again.
Someone came back into my life this weekend, as he does from time to time, and I expect us not to see each other for long periods of time, but in the back of my mind I know that our paths cross again when i 'm least expecting it. So we had an adventure and ran into each other a couple of the nights. I remembered that I like him more than most people I've met this year [romantically speaking] but to this day I can't tell you why. I've met some great guys, attractive, smart, friendly, fun, nothing wrong on the surface. But somehow I've a good deal of them aside. There's a great quote from The Wedding Date: "every woman has the exact love life she wants." I'm starting to think that's true. I'm starting to think that I'm single because I keep myself that way, because subconsciously I want and need to be alone for the time being.
As much as I don't like to admit it, he affects me a great deal. I can admire him from far away, but when he's by my side, things just seem better. I know that's a pretty bad cliche. But it does have some truth. The bad thing is, sometimes when he's not around, things seem worse, and I start to think too much. In the end I don't feel totally comfortable with this. I can't dive in head first because the water is murky and might be shallow. (He's not shallow at all, and I think that's what might have me hooked). Then again, I don't want to pull completely away from this, and I know that he doesn't want that either. But everytime I let loose, let some pure, unadulterated, feeling leak through the surface, I feel like I'm invading an unknown territory. I don't know how to act here. I don't know how to feel or how not to feel.
Now i've already cast away the thought of love, for my own benefit, because once I've resigned myself to the thought of "love," I become weak. Admitting love is admitting weakness to a degree, a sort of dependence on another person, and I can't be dependent on someone who isn't ready to lean back a little on me. It's falling backwards onto someone that's not ready to catch you.
On the other hand, I know one person that would love me to fall backwards into his arms. And once I do, he'd hold on to me and never let me stand upright again on my own. I can't let that happen. I've been fighting against it for over a year now.
So I guess what I'm looking for is something in the middle. Love without total dependence. I want to share an open book with someone. I want to know that we're on the same page. I'm so tired of the games.
I'm a little tired of being alone in this. But something tells me that I'm not ready to be otherwise.
I'm writing in this because it's secluded, and I don't feel that I have to mask everything I say, like I do on myspace. According to my friends page, I have no friends [everyone else migrated to myspace or facebook or I've just fallen out of touch with them]. So unless someone comes across this by chance, I'm pretty much alone here.
Alone is how i feel today. It's bittersweet. After having an enormously social weekend, it's a huge contrast back to the humdrum that is weekly life. I had a great time partying and bonding with people, I had my first drunken jam session since last August. Drunken jam sessions happen when me and a bunch of people [usually guys, for some reason] randomly find a musical instrument somewhere in the house and gather around it and play and sing what we know. Saturday nigiht it happened to be a piano. It's amazing, and makes me feel amazing.. music makes me happy and playing it makes me extraordinarily happy.. I really need to start doing it again. A couple of the guys wanted me to join the band, so once I find them on the internet again I'm going to try to get that conversation going again.
Someone came back into my life this weekend, as he does from time to time, and I expect us not to see each other for long periods of time, but in the back of my mind I know that our paths cross again when i 'm least expecting it. So we had an adventure and ran into each other a couple of the nights. I remembered that I like him more than most people I've met this year [romantically speaking] but to this day I can't tell you why. I've met some great guys, attractive, smart, friendly, fun, nothing wrong on the surface. But somehow I've a good deal of them aside. There's a great quote from The Wedding Date: "every woman has the exact love life she wants." I'm starting to think that's true. I'm starting to think that I'm single because I keep myself that way, because subconsciously I want and need to be alone for the time being.
As much as I don't like to admit it, he affects me a great deal. I can admire him from far away, but when he's by my side, things just seem better. I know that's a pretty bad cliche. But it does have some truth. The bad thing is, sometimes when he's not around, things seem worse, and I start to think too much. In the end I don't feel totally comfortable with this. I can't dive in head first because the water is murky and might be shallow. (He's not shallow at all, and I think that's what might have me hooked). Then again, I don't want to pull completely away from this, and I know that he doesn't want that either. But everytime I let loose, let some pure, unadulterated, feeling leak through the surface, I feel like I'm invading an unknown territory. I don't know how to act here. I don't know how to feel or how not to feel.
Now i've already cast away the thought of love, for my own benefit, because once I've resigned myself to the thought of "love," I become weak. Admitting love is admitting weakness to a degree, a sort of dependence on another person, and I can't be dependent on someone who isn't ready to lean back a little on me. It's falling backwards onto someone that's not ready to catch you.
On the other hand, I know one person that would love me to fall backwards into his arms. And once I do, he'd hold on to me and never let me stand upright again on my own. I can't let that happen. I've been fighting against it for over a year now.
So I guess what I'm looking for is something in the middle. Love without total dependence. I want to share an open book with someone. I want to know that we're on the same page. I'm so tired of the games.
I'm a little tired of being alone in this. But something tells me that I'm not ready to be otherwise.