just a fleeting moment of empowerment
I just read a former teammate's blog, and I suddenly felt inspired and empowered to follow suit. She (caused and) went through something terrible recently and I admire her for sucking it up and admitting she was wrong. To everyone. On the internet. Strange as it is, I get her side. I am not condoning what she did, especially because that is something I'd never do. Nevertheless, I admire her courage.
As I said, her blog entry inspired me to finally come out and say it. No more petty codes
(or code for that matter, since there's only been one here to date). Relationships are tricky, and I am so thankful I found someone who not only knows where his head AND heart is, but also knows how to fix me. I don't know if there ever is a guy out there as loyal and faithful as he is (which would be quite surprising for some). Someone tried to come between us recently - well not so recent, and not just once. I'm sure she would be quick to defend that she was not, that she only wanted to let it out blah blah blah. If that is so I think once would have been enough. I saw your texts in February and those were words of someone hoping he would leave me for you. Maybe you will deny it still. Well nothing I can do about that. All I know is, I am a girl. And I know how a girl's mind works.
I don't know if she ever knew that I've known all along. But I've been trying my damndest to be docile and nonchalant and unaffected. I let November pass. But February convinced me that this is no mere expression or 'final' declaration of feelings. He keeps on telling me that you're done. But you just keep on coming back. And you keep haunting me. I know this must seem exaggerated. In his words, I didn't lose him, so why am I still so angry? It's not about that. I lost something else. It's like (emphasis on like) losing your innocence, something you can't get back try as you might to restore it. And she cost me that, three, four months into the best thing that's happened to me.
I have been very angry for a very long time. I've been trying to suppress it, but I get episodes every now and then. Cause the wound never healed. Something he failed, and is still failing to grasp. I feel enraged that you should be able to say "it never happened" and sleep better at night knowing that you are now free of your great mistake. You escaped so easily, not knowing how much damage you caused. You don't know how lucky you are that I have been quiet. Yes, maybe you walked away. I'm not saying it was wrong. It's the only right thing you've done. But you seem to have forgotten something. People who do not ask for forgiveness cannot be forgiven. You can play dumb, convince yourself I never knew. But really. No one is that dumb.
I know I sound like a supreme bitch, but I am just an offended party who has not been granted closure. Maybe seeing us together is enough, but that is a given anyway.
But. I am putting it behind me now. Or will try better than my best. For him. Because he just wants us to be happy together. We are free of you, finally. And we're just gonna be happy together.
(Besides, hearing him say how if we weren't together when she started saying those things [they had a very quick and practically trivial history a few months before me], he wouldn't have gotten with her anyway. Cause it was over for him. And IF ever they did get together they would have probably only lasted 3 weeks. That cheered me up quite a bit.)
I am gonna let go now. No closure or not. Because we're more important. I'm doing it for us. We're a bureaucracy. Or a gryujiocracy. :)
(Scrolling back up now, I am starting to lose my balls in posting this. But this is it. The last puff of smoke. It's over. You're over.)
As I said, her blog entry inspired me to finally come out and say it. No more petty codes
(or code for that matter, since there's only been one here to date). Relationships are tricky, and I am so thankful I found someone who not only knows where his head AND heart is, but also knows how to fix me. I don't know if there ever is a guy out there as loyal and faithful as he is (which would be quite surprising for some). Someone tried to come between us recently - well not so recent, and not just once. I'm sure she would be quick to defend that she was not, that she only wanted to let it out blah blah blah. If that is so I think once would have been enough. I saw your texts in February and those were words of someone hoping he would leave me for you. Maybe you will deny it still. Well nothing I can do about that. All I know is, I am a girl. And I know how a girl's mind works.
I don't know if she ever knew that I've known all along. But I've been trying my damndest to be docile and nonchalant and unaffected. I let November pass. But February convinced me that this is no mere expression or 'final' declaration of feelings. He keeps on telling me that you're done. But you just keep on coming back. And you keep haunting me. I know this must seem exaggerated. In his words, I didn't lose him, so why am I still so angry? It's not about that. I lost something else. It's like (emphasis on like) losing your innocence, something you can't get back try as you might to restore it. And she cost me that, three, four months into the best thing that's happened to me.
I have been very angry for a very long time. I've been trying to suppress it, but I get episodes every now and then. Cause the wound never healed. Something he failed, and is still failing to grasp. I feel enraged that you should be able to say "it never happened" and sleep better at night knowing that you are now free of your great mistake. You escaped so easily, not knowing how much damage you caused. You don't know how lucky you are that I have been quiet. Yes, maybe you walked away. I'm not saying it was wrong. It's the only right thing you've done. But you seem to have forgotten something. People who do not ask for forgiveness cannot be forgiven. You can play dumb, convince yourself I never knew. But really. No one is that dumb.
I know I sound like a supreme bitch, but I am just an offended party who has not been granted closure. Maybe seeing us together is enough, but that is a given anyway.
But. I am putting it behind me now. Or will try better than my best. For him. Because he just wants us to be happy together. We are free of you, finally. And we're just gonna be happy together.
(Besides, hearing him say how if we weren't together when she started saying those things [they had a very quick and practically trivial history a few months before me], he wouldn't have gotten with her anyway. Cause it was over for him. And IF ever they did get together they would have probably only lasted 3 weeks. That cheered me up quite a bit.)
I am gonna let go now. No closure or not. Because we're more important. I'm doing it for us. We're a bureaucracy. Or a gryujiocracy. :)
(Scrolling back up now, I am starting to lose my balls in posting this. But this is it. The last puff of smoke. It's over. You're over.)