(no subject)
I realize just how very alone i feel here. Not because people specifically exclude me out of choice, but more out of compartmentalizing their lives and i fit into many's "every once in a while" compartment. That compounded with the fact that i am surrounded by people who constantly tell me that my foundation for life is essentially the cause of all that is wrong with the world, and even if i do agree with some parts of their values in life...i am still wrong...because i will not abandon my faith in Christ and am therefore an unwelcome outsider who is tolerated.
I spent the first 17ish years of my life being tolerated and i despised it...which may have substantially to do with why i feel like i did in highschool lately...cut off and alone. *Note* I just had someone look at me and say, "We'll have God squeezed out of all of the gaps in no time....He doesn't belong in the gaps." Which is true...He belongs and the beginning and the end...it's His nature. *sigh* But on that note, feeling so sorry for myself at this stage of life out of feelings of despair means that i am not being responsible. Spiritually i have hidden from God and man out of loneliness...i have hidden in the world of make-believe as Mr. Rodgers taught me about all those innocently glorious years ago.
Which means i have been irresponsible to my love Shelly also. She feels my pain...though in my irresponsibility...she loves me unconditionally anyway...which makes me happy and sad at the same time. So happy to be loved, and so sad that i cause her pain. It has been a long time since i have lacked a local support system to help me talk about God with those around me. Chi Alpha is good in a way here...but greatly lacking in another. That being, EVERYTHING is structured. There is a meeting tonight in fact, but if it's not a "sanctioned" meeting...i dont seem to be in on hanging out or discussions outside of those meetings. As i said...i don't fall into anyone's daily "hangout" compartment. The only two guys of whom i did fit into that description...both moved away. And the girls here...a bit weird...not quit my type of hangout friends. Then again...none of them are my age. It seems most are 3 years+ older or younger than me.
I am hoping that God sent me here to learn what it feels like to be in a place that is so lacking in people who dialogue about Him, and participate in daily ministry for Him that involves something besides holding signs on the side of the road or talking about how the sinners need to learn traditions. I think i am speaking out of pain and not total objectivity...and i ask for forgiveness for it. I am very lonely...and i am not accustomed to it, nor do I want to be in this way…not without the revelation as to how I am to thrive in it. The first year was enjoyable and I saw growth…this year seems to be bearing until light comes…one of which is my impending marriage which gives me so much hope and joyous anticipation.
Shalom