(no subject)
It always comes back to him. I've been on several dates since we broke up, four or five I believe, and they've all been disappointing. The whole time I was with them, all I could think of was him. I was in a relationship for five years, and it was easier to break it off with him than it was with Michael. Michael wasn't perfect, but he was damn near close. He didn't like clubs and dancing, he didn't use drugs or drink, and he was smart and ambitious. He was also completely gorgeous. He was the most beautiful guy I have ever dated in fact. My first date with him I was sure he had little to know interest in me. When he texted me the next day asking what I was doing, I was surprised and enthralled. We went to see The Dark Knight Rises, and I was extremely nervous. I just wanted to grab his hand or in a smooth and suave manner place my arm round him, but I am very shy person, so I didn't. There was a few times our hands almost touched, but nothing came of it. I was so positive that he wasn't into me, but then why were we on second date? Was it a second date? It was hard trying to concentrate on the movie while my mind was occupied with him, but about a quarter way through the movie he made an agitated noise and grabbed my hand. I was met with a combination of nervousness and euphoria. He likes me! This only made concentrating on the movie worse. The sensation of our hands combined, warm, sweating and pulsing, completely annihilated whatever interest I had in this movie. I was like a love-struck teenager again. Nothing could stop me. Nothing could bring me down. I was exalted.
When he left, I couldn't sleep for days. I probably cried every night for 2-3 weeks straight. It likened this experience to losing a loved person--which I have experienced numerous times. Indeed, it felt like somebody had died. I genuinely love him, but his love was unrequited. Every person I have dated since has paled in comparison. It took me a year to get the courage to date again, and to realize that I was just grasping. I don't need someone to make me happier. Happiness comes from within. Zen Buddhists believe that we are already enlightened, that we don't need to seek nirvana, we just need to realize it. I am enlightened. I guess I just keep forgetting. Michael, I still love you, but you are elsewhere with someone else now, and you are happy; I hope you're happy. Saying goodbye to you was like saying goodbye to a ghost. You may haunt me from time-to-time, but I realize you are just an apparition of my mind, much like everything else. Time to stop grasping. I am still grasping.
When he left, I couldn't sleep for days. I probably cried every night for 2-3 weeks straight. It likened this experience to losing a loved person--which I have experienced numerous times. Indeed, it felt like somebody had died. I genuinely love him, but his love was unrequited. Every person I have dated since has paled in comparison. It took me a year to get the courage to date again, and to realize that I was just grasping. I don't need someone to make me happier. Happiness comes from within. Zen Buddhists believe that we are already enlightened, that we don't need to seek nirvana, we just need to realize it. I am enlightened. I guess I just keep forgetting. Michael, I still love you, but you are elsewhere with someone else now, and you are happy; I hope you're happy. Saying goodbye to you was like saying goodbye to a ghost. You may haunt me from time-to-time, but I realize you are just an apparition of my mind, much like everything else. Time to stop grasping. I am still grasping.