never apologize for your feelings; only how you reacted to them
this top part was from me to CJ
ScootBoot314: hey
ScootBoot314: well, i guess you aren't there.
ScootBoot314: but i just want to let you know something
ScootBoot314: i probably won't be going to your house anymore.
ScootBoot314: me and andy aren't okay
ScootBoot314: and it doesn't sound like she is willing to make things okay
ScootBoot314: so, i am sorry. but this is the only way i know how to fix it
ScootBoot314: i wish there was another way
ScootBoot314: but i can't seem to think of anything else
ScootBoot314: after what bryan said to me on the phone, there is no way that we can fix it, i guess
ScootBoot314: i hope you read this
ScootBoot314: i just want you to know that it isn't because of anything you did
ScootBoot314: and, trust me, it hurts me so bad to say that
ScootBoot314: i hate that i have to give up everything just b/c of her
ScootBoot314: i realize that i was mad, but so was she
ScootBoot314: i put up with alot that she did that night before
ScootBoot314: and she is now saying that she is never going to forget how i got mad
ScootBoot314: well, fuck that
ScootBoot314: if she can't forgive and forget, then i guess we have no business being friends
ScootBoot314: this is how everything ends with me i guess
ScootBoot314: bullshit arguement
ScootBoot314: s
ScootBoot314: i guess you can now call me "soni the big bad bitch"
ScootBoot314: man, i mean...i motherfucking apologized!!!
ScootBoot314: what else am i supposed to do??
ScootBoot314: turn back time and fix that mistake??
ScootBoot314: no one is perfect!!
ScootBoot314: NO ONE!!
ScootBoot314: she isn't above all. i have admitted to my mistakes
ScootBoot314: you should check out her second journal entry from the bottom
ScootBoot314: i apologized like a MILLION times!!
ScootBoot314: and i want my damn flip flops back from her
ScootBoot314: i realize that i could have tried harder
ScootBoot314: i never asked her to get in the middle of it
ScootBoot314: she asked me, and i went with it
ScootBoot314: i talked to him for her. WHAT WAS I THINKING?!?!
ScootBoot314: cj!! i really hope you are there. i mean, i would hate to be talking to an empty room
ScootBoot314: this is alot of reading for you
ScootBoot314: i am sorry
ScootBoot314: and now i am rambling
ScootBoot314: ...i wish things weren't as they are
ScootBoot314: i wish that i could put away my pride for just a second
ScootBoot314: i wish i could have been the mature person and dealt with it
ScootBoot314: as much as it killed me, i should have dealt with it
ScootBoot314: i don't think she will talk to me now
ScootBoot314: just because i am human just like everyone else is
ScootBoot314: i was there for her when she was crying and i tried to fix it when it happened.
ScootBoot314: and there was nothing i could do
ScootBoot314: nothing i said made it better
ScootBoot314: i mean, even when she was mad, i was there to help her calm down no matter how stupid i thought it was
ScootBoot314: i guess that i should be the perfect, holy, preachers daughter
ScootBoot314: nothing should make me mad
ScootBoot314: yeah...SURE!!!
ScootBoot314: if apologizing doesn't help anything, then what else am i supposed to do??
ScootBoot314: should i talk to bryan and apologize??
ScootBoot314: i guess that would make sense
ScootBoot314: i hate leaving things like they are
ScootBoot314: i didn't want to leave her that night
ScootBoot314: i really didn't
ScootBoot314: but there was nothing i could do
ScootBoot314: i wanted to fix it then
ScootBoot314: but i couldn't
ScootBoot314: i....couldn't
ScootBoot314: maybe all of thise really is my fault
ScootBoot314: maybe i do suck as a friend
ScootBoot314: i mean, you guys have been friends for a long time. it's not like y'all are going to miss me
ScootBoot314: i mean, i don't mean anything to guys. i just sort of feel into your group of people
ScootBoot314: so, i guess, when ya think about it...i don't matter
ScootBoot314: i guess, at this point, there is really no reason for me to try to make any new friends.
ScootBoot314: i should be home schooled for the rest of highschool.
ScootBoot314: let you guys forget about me
ScootBoot314: and that will be it
ScootBoot314: i will just be another person that floated through your lives.
ScootBoot314: just a faint memory in the back of your head
ScootBoot314: and later in life you will say "who was that girl and where did she go"
someoneslullaby: i think towards the end of it you just started thinking way to much, u started makeing excuses as if you were thinking of reasons why things had happened. and u know its not true. ScootBoot314: i should be home schooled for the rest of highschool.
"ScootBoot314: let you guys forget about me
ScootBoot314: and that will be it
ScootBoot314: i will just be another person that floated through your lives.
ScootBoot314: just a faint memory in the back of your head"
dont u think thats blowing it a little bit out of proportion? now remember im only trying to help. but its not cjs fault is it? its andys. talk to her about it, send her that whole thing. shes the one that should hear it. not him
ScootBoot314: look. i am not getting mad at. but there is no way in hell that you could understand any of what you just sent me. that is the way it ALWAYS is!!
ScootBoot314: don't type anything yet
ScootBoot314: i am still talking...just give me a second to get it all out
ScootBoot314: there is no way that any if you will be able to understand what it is like to have to move from place to place and have no one remember who are. to make friends and losse them .over and over again. and don't tell me that this is not anything like it. b/c this is the way it ends. she will come back and say that i don't know anything about her and that i never will. and that will send me through the roof and it will end there. that is the way everything ends. no one is open enough to understand the things that i go through. i try my motherfucking hardest to understand what it is like to be everyone else...but i get shit on in return
ScootBoot314: and if it doesn't happen that way...
ScootBoot314: they will get tired of keeping in touch...and drop me forever
ScootBoot314: and i am left with the heartbreak
ScootBoot314: and the memory of it
ScootBoot314: i try to move
ScootBoot314: on
ScootBoot314: but it haunts me
ScootBoot314: thats all i had to say
someoneslullaby: hm, i dont know what to say.
ScootBoot314: exactly...no one can tell me how i should be feeling
ScootBoot314: ot acting
ScootBoot314: or*
ScootBoot314: no one can tell me how to over come it
ScootBoot314: you have to live it
ScootBoot314: i don't hold it over anyones head that they don't understand me
ScootBoot314: i let it go
ScootBoot314: i know there is no way they can understand
ScootBoot314: but they can be understanding
ScootBoot314: and sympathetic
ScootBoot314: half the stuff that everyone else goes through...i find it pety
ScootBoot314: and usless to cry and whine over
ScootBoot314: there are many things that are far FAR FAR worse
ScootBoot314: she is pitying herself
ScootBoot314: damn it...say something
ScootBoot314: i am all to peices here
someoneslullaby: i dont know what to say soni, i really want to help but obviously i dont understand what ur going through, but i can try. i really can.
ScootBoot314: please...that is all i ask for...is for someone to try
someoneslullaby: can i talk to you about this in person tomorrow soni? i think it would be better.
ScootBoot314: i guess so. like when? we hardly have time to talk to each other.
someoneslullaby: in the morning
ScootBoot314: okay
ScootBoot314: lisa, i am just glad that you put up with me...
someoneslullaby: oh sweetheart, your my angel, and even angels have rainy days.