Bernard circle
I find that I am really pessimistic- earlier today I just thought it was realism- but after reading august 17th’s entry- I just have to be honest with myself and admit it- I know that people have been saying that for years and all the time I have said I was being realistic- so now I guess is the time to give up-
I miss Kris- I am away now and I did talk to him briefly today- but after waking from a night of restless dreams and immediately thinking of him, I do feel better than before-
I can’t seem to focus- keep to what is going on in the foreground of my thoughts- I have things to do- I haven’t even unpacked yet- and my mind dwells on this concept that I have to remind myself is really happening- it is not a fake- I am really having a semi-long distance thing and I don’t know how to handle it- I feel like I have hallucinated this whole relationship- that it, in it’s entirety, was self invented- but that can’t be, right? I felt him, I kissed him- and I should remember that- be happy with the time I spent with him
But that is not the point- the point is this: all those words he spoke- the air of happiness that was around me when I was with him- the smiles and self-consciousness- is it all one big hyperbole? Have I exaggerated every remark, every movement for something that it was not? Have I taken too many things to heart? Do I wear it on my sleeve as he does? It is hard to answer any of these questions when the solution to them all is 9 hours away- a phone call, yes- but none of that can be said over the phone- my intentions stumble down the stairwell of our conversation only to be muted by the reverberations from the walls and shuffling of clumsy feet- so is my mouth- and so I stand by written word more so than ever as I am to be delving into it more deeply now- drop a class here, add a class there- it will all work out- two intensive writing courses will be pretty hard though- especially on top of economics, statistics, and accounting…ect…
So it’s a new year- a new school year and I feel old- haggard really- stupid and insufficient- but I don’t need a man here by my side- do i? I just need a shadow of one- like the shadow of hope that covers me, reminds me, and keeps me from destroying a great happiness in my life-
So I will stay the course- get done what needs to be done- try not to avoid the vacant paths my mind seems to wander down- I will face it all and try and live- LIVE- must I remind myself every year?
I miss Kris- I am away now and I did talk to him briefly today- but after waking from a night of restless dreams and immediately thinking of him, I do feel better than before-
I can’t seem to focus- keep to what is going on in the foreground of my thoughts- I have things to do- I haven’t even unpacked yet- and my mind dwells on this concept that I have to remind myself is really happening- it is not a fake- I am really having a semi-long distance thing and I don’t know how to handle it- I feel like I have hallucinated this whole relationship- that it, in it’s entirety, was self invented- but that can’t be, right? I felt him, I kissed him- and I should remember that- be happy with the time I spent with him
But that is not the point- the point is this: all those words he spoke- the air of happiness that was around me when I was with him- the smiles and self-consciousness- is it all one big hyperbole? Have I exaggerated every remark, every movement for something that it was not? Have I taken too many things to heart? Do I wear it on my sleeve as he does? It is hard to answer any of these questions when the solution to them all is 9 hours away- a phone call, yes- but none of that can be said over the phone- my intentions stumble down the stairwell of our conversation only to be muted by the reverberations from the walls and shuffling of clumsy feet- so is my mouth- and so I stand by written word more so than ever as I am to be delving into it more deeply now- drop a class here, add a class there- it will all work out- two intensive writing courses will be pretty hard though- especially on top of economics, statistics, and accounting…ect…
So it’s a new year- a new school year and I feel old- haggard really- stupid and insufficient- but I don’t need a man here by my side- do i? I just need a shadow of one- like the shadow of hope that covers me, reminds me, and keeps me from destroying a great happiness in my life-
So I will stay the course- get done what needs to be done- try not to avoid the vacant paths my mind seems to wander down- I will face it all and try and live- LIVE- must I remind myself every year?