i don't wanna feel- oh, well i guess that's what this is
10:20 a.m.
I wanted to write last night- but I couldn’t because my stomach hurt so bad- I think it is all the nerves and smoking that are killing from the inside out- before I went out last night, with peter and matt, I was thinking about how I felt about this whole situation- and I didn’t really feel- my friends, I’m sure, don’t want to hear about it- I seem not to be able to express how I really feel- just like matt, I know it is in there, but it is not coming out- it is as if the ice has frozen over it in order for people not to see the hurt- and in order for me not to break down when I don’t want to- it lays there- silently melting and someday out it will crawl sulking, dripping wet and tell me how upset I really am
When I talked to Courtney the feelings started coming out- I felt okay about it- obviously upset, but I felt okay showing her those feelings I had to hide away- cout: I am sorry bout last night, if you didn’t get my message already- I was talking to bob and watching dave chapelle (I can’t spell) and I was distracted
After zander and I had our discussion the other night- when was that?......Tuesday I think
You know, I don’ have anything to say- I don’t want to relive it- talking ambiguously doesn’t make me really think about the situation- it just allows me to be able to look back on these words and know what the hell I was talking about- and then the emotions will come flooding back- but….i dunno- I want to say it- describe it in detail for the future me with the bad memory- and isn’t that fucked up- me, who has a terrible memory…I can still see that day- the first day I met him- like a clip from a movie running in my mind- crystal clear, silent- I wish I could wash that away- if it is to be doomed, it is to be doomed
I can’t say that really- things take time- maybe I am still supposed to be patient and do the right thing- I thought that just this short time was going to be my test of patience, but I could be wrong- (not like it hasn’t been a long ass time) there is always next year- not saying that I am even going to like him at all next year- but I am sure we will at least be friends- we shall see- I have tonight to face it all- I don’t know if I even want to see him- but he insists on seeing me- even if I don’t call when I said I would- he said he would call me and tell me to stop it-
I wonder if this is as hard on him, at all, as it is on me- probably not- he has a love- a well developed dying bleeding love that he refuses to see the flaws in- I am not criticizing- I feel like I am so selfish though- I said in an earlier journal that no matter what happened I hoped for him to be happy- and I would like to be able to say that genuinely now- but I don’t know if I can- I know that if I see him upset about that bitch one more time, I will be pissed the fuck off- I told him that I didn’t want to have to see that- see him upset over something that could have been avoided- he said who said I would have to see it
I have to go- I have to read for one of my classes before I actually get there- quiz you know- I am functioning- getting through- I know my writing is not making much sense because it is filled with bitterness- but maybe not as much- it is fading- maybe I will become a less bitter person than I was before
I am preparing myself for another long stretch of time- me alone- me not caring about anyone- me in my head- (and I do care about people- I just mean…no men really- I won’t be able to for a while, I think)
Till next year
Cheers
I wanted to write last night- but I couldn’t because my stomach hurt so bad- I think it is all the nerves and smoking that are killing from the inside out- before I went out last night, with peter and matt, I was thinking about how I felt about this whole situation- and I didn’t really feel- my friends, I’m sure, don’t want to hear about it- I seem not to be able to express how I really feel- just like matt, I know it is in there, but it is not coming out- it is as if the ice has frozen over it in order for people not to see the hurt- and in order for me not to break down when I don’t want to- it lays there- silently melting and someday out it will crawl sulking, dripping wet and tell me how upset I really am
When I talked to Courtney the feelings started coming out- I felt okay about it- obviously upset, but I felt okay showing her those feelings I had to hide away- cout: I am sorry bout last night, if you didn’t get my message already- I was talking to bob and watching dave chapelle (I can’t spell) and I was distracted
After zander and I had our discussion the other night- when was that?......Tuesday I think
You know, I don’ have anything to say- I don’t want to relive it- talking ambiguously doesn’t make me really think about the situation- it just allows me to be able to look back on these words and know what the hell I was talking about- and then the emotions will come flooding back- but….i dunno- I want to say it- describe it in detail for the future me with the bad memory- and isn’t that fucked up- me, who has a terrible memory…I can still see that day- the first day I met him- like a clip from a movie running in my mind- crystal clear, silent- I wish I could wash that away- if it is to be doomed, it is to be doomed
I can’t say that really- things take time- maybe I am still supposed to be patient and do the right thing- I thought that just this short time was going to be my test of patience, but I could be wrong- (not like it hasn’t been a long ass time) there is always next year- not saying that I am even going to like him at all next year- but I am sure we will at least be friends- we shall see- I have tonight to face it all- I don’t know if I even want to see him- but he insists on seeing me- even if I don’t call when I said I would- he said he would call me and tell me to stop it-
I wonder if this is as hard on him, at all, as it is on me- probably not- he has a love- a well developed dying bleeding love that he refuses to see the flaws in- I am not criticizing- I feel like I am so selfish though- I said in an earlier journal that no matter what happened I hoped for him to be happy- and I would like to be able to say that genuinely now- but I don’t know if I can- I know that if I see him upset about that bitch one more time, I will be pissed the fuck off- I told him that I didn’t want to have to see that- see him upset over something that could have been avoided- he said who said I would have to see it
I have to go- I have to read for one of my classes before I actually get there- quiz you know- I am functioning- getting through- I know my writing is not making much sense because it is filled with bitterness- but maybe not as much- it is fading- maybe I will become a less bitter person than I was before
I am preparing myself for another long stretch of time- me alone- me not caring about anyone- me in my head- (and I do care about people- I just mean…no men really- I won’t be able to for a while, I think)
Till next year
Cheers