(no subject)
something is missing. i'm happy but at the same time i'm not. my life fell apart last december. i lost my home and nearly everything i own is in storage and if we can't pay the bill (3 months worth) it is going to be auctioned off on the 22nd. but on the up side i continue to love my job and 2 days ago i got a desk which takes me one step closer to a permanence. i'm not fighting with my great grandmother for now which has made living at my grandma's that much more bearable. landon and i are dating again and it was going great but now it seems like it's exactly like it was last time. everything is on his terms and it's like if i speak up against him i'm pressuring him. granted we've taken a step forward and i'm now allowed to stay at his house and in the 2 months that we had dated before that never happened even though it got promised to me all the time. i just wish he wanted me even close to how badly i want him. i wish someone wanted me that badly. i just don't know what to do because every time my life seems to pick up something else begins to crumble. like i'm happy with who i'm becoming and my life is gaining some sort of direction but when it comes to love it's like it's the one thing i can't get right. actually love wasn't the right word because that takes time and i'm in no rush for it. relationships are what i seem to fail at. not just romantic ones. even some friendships i seem to struggle with. i try to be a nice person, especially to those i feel really deserve it and there is potential for a stronger connection than i would have with an acquaintance. and other times i feel like i have forgotten how to interact with the people around me all together so i overcompensate and end up making a fool of myself. ever since december i've felt like a walking zombie with a mask of happiness that doesn't really exist. i need something to happen to help me feel alive. coachella is in a few days so hopefully that 4 day adventure will be enough of an escape from suffocating home life and my confusing daily life. happy rob is going and i haven't spent much time with him so hopefully this helps that friendship because he really is one of the best friends i have ever had and probably will ever have. i wish i had more friends like that. allison is quickly becoming someone i can really trust and have a good time with. mandy and i are friends again after 3 years and it's good to have her because she and i have a lot of the same issues with guys and we understand each other more than most people do. maybe i just need to put myself out there more and take a bigger chance than i have been allowing myself lately. it's just that nothing ever lasts and it's just a matter of time before something new and good crumbles too. so i either have to take a chance and enjoy the ride... or... change nothing and remain in this funk. i don't know what to do and i feel alone in a sea of people =/