i've fucked up
i'm losing my best friend. it's almost like i didn't care before and for some reason i really do now. i probably can't fix it. she'll hang out with me but she pretty much doesn't want anything to do with me. i've known her for 5 years and she's been my best friend for almost 2. she knows me better than anyone. the guys know me but they don't know the inner me. they haven't seen me at my most vulnerable of moments, they haven't seen me cry, they don't know my deepest secrets. ashley knows me inside and out. i've fucked up so bad. i pushed her away. it's just so hard when you spend every moment with a person but the oe time i do someting on my own and meet new people that i adore they happen to not get along with my best friend. it's so hard to have that conflict. i know ashley talks behind my back and i've really given her a reason to lately with the way i've pushed her away. i just wish all my friends could get along. i like ashley's new friends but she doesn't like mine. it hurts. it's like i resented her for it. it's like i can never be happy because as soon as one good thing happens it affects something else and makes everything shitty again. like i meet the guys but ashley doesn't like them so it affects our friendship. i meet a guy that i like but ashley doesn't like him either so i can't bring him around her. i either have to hang out with her and her friends or i have to ditch her so i can be with my friends. it's so hard. i don't want to lose her but it's hard for me to balance that all out. i almost have to work out a weekly schedule with times for everyone. i don't want to have to do that. i want everyone to be happy and get along. but that will never happen because people can't get over their shit and just accept people. these 2 weeks that the guys have been gone has really given me nothig but time to think about this and it's driving me crazy. but it also made me realize that i don't want to ose ashley. she probably won't let me back in and that breaks my fucking heart. i cry almost everytime i'm alone now because i wish i hadn't pulled away and lost her. she's not entirely gone yet but if i don't do something she will be. i don't have anyone to talk to about this because they don't know. i don't have anyone i can confide in and just cry. ashey doesn't want to hear it. what have i done. i want my best friend back.