the year draws to a close
Classes end once again. I hate the holidays. I don't hate the holidays themselves actually just the uncertain days around them. I'd like to make plans but I never seem to be able to keep them. There are oddities anc complications that prevent me from doing a lot of things. It seems to only be getting worse too.
I'm also pretty tired. Things have been worth fatigue though. I'm getting kind of used to it anyway. Occasionally I can't see straight. Reminds me of how my glasses blew right off my face yesterday, falling to the courtyard below. I walked around like an idiot with my arms out in front of me, trying not to step on them, and I found them. I really wish I had someone to help me do that, I was getting so frustrated and upset because I had circled where I thought they were about 5 or 6 times. I tried to get some help but no one heard me. What an odd helpless feeling. I couldn't see a thing.
I'm really confused about a lot of things right now. Not so much confused as that I don't really understand. Thats not really the same thing I don't think. Just an odd form of happiness that feels both infinite and yet has a very serious death sentence. I like to think on the infinite side, but when it comes to any relationship whatsoever between any type of people it is a partnership, which obviously means there is to be a meeting of the minds upon terms and conditions, be it spoken or unspoken. Due to the general nature of people though such a meeting almost seems impossible to me. I do not necessarily feel compatability is needed in every respect, as variety and contrast are wonderful things.
When it comes down to it I think I just want to enjoy the moment, as I'm not sure how long I'll be able to have it. I'd love it if it were more, and in that respect I think much of the confusion comes in. People tend not to take me seriously. There is also a difference between sexual attraction and romantic or relationship desire. That much is obvious, HOWEVER, there is nothing that says you can't or shouldn't find both in someone, or that I don't in her. Its pretty clear I do. I don't know, I think I'm just feeling weird and impatient as this year ends. I just feel weird because I don't think I'm always taken the proper way I think. I can and do joke about how I want her and yet I sometimes simply mean it as a sign of honest and simple affection. I guess now that I type it out I act I realize its pretty stupid. Whatever, I am how I am and why bother to do anything thats not myself. Truth in all, honesty in everything close to the mind or heart I suppose. Yawn. Sleepy.
I'm also pretty tired. Things have been worth fatigue though. I'm getting kind of used to it anyway. Occasionally I can't see straight. Reminds me of how my glasses blew right off my face yesterday, falling to the courtyard below. I walked around like an idiot with my arms out in front of me, trying not to step on them, and I found them. I really wish I had someone to help me do that, I was getting so frustrated and upset because I had circled where I thought they were about 5 or 6 times. I tried to get some help but no one heard me. What an odd helpless feeling. I couldn't see a thing.
I'm really confused about a lot of things right now. Not so much confused as that I don't really understand. Thats not really the same thing I don't think. Just an odd form of happiness that feels both infinite and yet has a very serious death sentence. I like to think on the infinite side, but when it comes to any relationship whatsoever between any type of people it is a partnership, which obviously means there is to be a meeting of the minds upon terms and conditions, be it spoken or unspoken. Due to the general nature of people though such a meeting almost seems impossible to me. I do not necessarily feel compatability is needed in every respect, as variety and contrast are wonderful things.
When it comes down to it I think I just want to enjoy the moment, as I'm not sure how long I'll be able to have it. I'd love it if it were more, and in that respect I think much of the confusion comes in. People tend not to take me seriously. There is also a difference between sexual attraction and romantic or relationship desire. That much is obvious, HOWEVER, there is nothing that says you can't or shouldn't find both in someone, or that I don't in her. Its pretty clear I do. I don't know, I think I'm just feeling weird and impatient as this year ends. I just feel weird because I don't think I'm always taken the proper way I think. I can and do joke about how I want her and yet I sometimes simply mean it as a sign of honest and simple affection. I guess now that I type it out I act I realize its pretty stupid. Whatever, I am how I am and why bother to do anything thats not myself. Truth in all, honesty in everything close to the mind or heart I suppose. Yawn. Sleepy.