My brain wont shut up so here it is...
There are a couple things I need to explain for you to understand what I am going thru...
1: Many people that know I am gay before they meet me and put up a wall a kind of Anti-gay shield if you will they can be a little stand off-ish or not just depends on the person, I have always been able to feel this wall, most of the time this wall crumbles over time but there is always a remnant of it...
2: When I make friends I feel a really strong connection with I tend to get attached, if anyone reading this remembers when I went to visit my friends in FL, you most likely remember the funk I was in when I got back, I felt a really strong connection with them as soon as I met them in the air port... I will be fine as long as I get this off my chest... last time a friend was my sounding board but as its really latte and I don't feel like talking on the phone, Well you get the idea...
I have been friends with Ember for a long time (SRSLY long time) but recently She, Scott, and I have gotten Closer... thinking back I don't remember ever feeling that wall with her... it all started when I couldn't sleep (as it seems to allot lately) so I went down to a bar called snoops, its the kind of place I always assumed I would get my ass kicked if people saw me kiss my boyfriend in it, But Ember hosts karaoke there and more often than not there are friends of mine there for it. So I decided to go... its only a block and a half away after all and maybe I will have fun... the following saturday I took scott there Ember was not hosting but she was there with the rest of us... she and Scott hit it off like crazy... This is only odd because when they clicked it brought Ember and I closer because scott being the most important person in my life is a bit of an introvert and doesn't normally click with people quick. Turns out her husband Ryan is visiting the following week (he is in the navy and has been in another state for a long time) I had never met Ryan but Ember thought he would like us so we got is IM info and talked to him for a bit there... when he came to town we went to dinner the second night he was here... there was no wall when we met him, he genuinely didn't care that we where gay even after scott did his playful flirty thing over yahoo, According to Ry "he's harmless".
Ryan and Ember get to the Olive Garden, Scott and I are at the table already and had our drinks already, Scott got raspberry lemonade and I had iced tea no lemon. They sit down Ember slacks in the intro department so Ryan Introduces himself... Ember corrects me when I say my name is Mike ad says "he's Sonic thats how I was introduced to him so thats what his name is" (I love her for that she's more attached to that nickname than I am) Ryan apparently Parched starts squeezing the lemon into Scott's drink thinking that we had ordered him a drink already... it was sooooo funny, he of course feeling horrible about it apologized profusely... the rest of us where cracking up and scott was assuring him it was alright... the evening only got more fun from there we had a Great meal getting to know each other and having fun... (side note) Ember and Ryan are one of the cutest couples I have ever seen.
From dinner Scott went to pick up a few more friends and Ryan, Ember, and I went to snoops as it was Embers night to host the sing thing... the evening was great we got to know allot of great fun people.... over the rest of the week we had Ember come over so we could help her with her computer, she and Ryan came and hung out, watched t.v. joked around and all around had a good night... the next morning Ember had to work her day job, I knew Ryan had to hate that she was working so I offered to take him to see her at work, she had taken the car or I'm sure he would have already been there lol... I went to get him and the first thing he did when he got into the car was thank me for hanging out with him... when we got to the book store we went in to see her and her boss (who is apparently awesome!) found out that Ryan was on leave and offered her the option of leaving as we got there, so the three of us went to lunch (Scott was at work) we had mexican Carlos O'Kellys for lunch... somehow (I think I brought them up) Titanium Sporks came up... they sell them on this website I love www.thinkgeek.com and Ryan had actually seen them on the same site....
Its intense how well the four of us clicked in such a short time... I feel loser to them than some people that I have known most of my life...
That september 6th when I left Florida and my friends there I cried myself to sleep on the plain I don't cry ofeten because i usually dont have a reason... the last time I had cried befor that was when I lost My grandfather
I wish he could have lived to see me come out, I know in my heart he would have been happy for me...
Ryan's leave (tho it was extended) ended Monday on Sunday he came over and hung out with me during the day while Ember worked, we played WoW and talked and then went to lunch at Chipotle... we talked about things like how many siblings we had and their age and he asked about my job and stuff... after that we went to see Ember at work and talked about dinner... She had a craving but being the sweetheart that she is she let him plan dinner at a place that didn't have what she craved... we went to dinner then snoops... Ember had to do the sing thing after all...
after all is said and done the night ends, Its depressing because i have already decided that Ry and Ember need some time to Themselves before he leaves again so I refused to make plans with them... when the bar was clearing out he was saying goodbye and I almost cried when he ran up and hugged me (BTW good hugger...) we went out to the parking lot and got in the jeep (scott and I were giving them a ride home) when we got to their house we both got out of the car to get one more good buy hug and I told him ryan he better keep in touch and I hugged Ember and made sure she knows I'm here for her when she needs me day or night...
This morning I put the pictures on face-book was tagging them and saw Ryan in some and couldn't keep going... I almost cried again... I am going to miss him allot I plan to spend allot more time with Ember...
I don't understand why I get so attached and why I get in this mood when these things happen... I know I will be fine and back to normal soon but... its just so frustrating that I cant handle this like I handle the looks Scott and I get from stupid people in public or the people who would call in just to rip me a new one at t-mobile or when t-mobile fired me... those things I handled fine... but this has just hit me hard...
I love all of my friends but the closer I feel to someone the harder this gets... Anyway thanks for letting me vent to you (if anyone still reads this) I think the friend who advised me to write down my thoughts is wise beyond his years, I think I may get some sleep now.
-Mike
1: Many people that know I am gay before they meet me and put up a wall a kind of Anti-gay shield if you will they can be a little stand off-ish or not just depends on the person, I have always been able to feel this wall, most of the time this wall crumbles over time but there is always a remnant of it...
2: When I make friends I feel a really strong connection with I tend to get attached, if anyone reading this remembers when I went to visit my friends in FL, you most likely remember the funk I was in when I got back, I felt a really strong connection with them as soon as I met them in the air port... I will be fine as long as I get this off my chest... last time a friend was my sounding board but as its really latte and I don't feel like talking on the phone, Well you get the idea...
I have been friends with Ember for a long time (SRSLY long time) but recently She, Scott, and I have gotten Closer... thinking back I don't remember ever feeling that wall with her... it all started when I couldn't sleep (as it seems to allot lately) so I went down to a bar called snoops, its the kind of place I always assumed I would get my ass kicked if people saw me kiss my boyfriend in it, But Ember hosts karaoke there and more often than not there are friends of mine there for it. So I decided to go... its only a block and a half away after all and maybe I will have fun... the following saturday I took scott there Ember was not hosting but she was there with the rest of us... she and Scott hit it off like crazy... This is only odd because when they clicked it brought Ember and I closer because scott being the most important person in my life is a bit of an introvert and doesn't normally click with people quick. Turns out her husband Ryan is visiting the following week (he is in the navy and has been in another state for a long time) I had never met Ryan but Ember thought he would like us so we got is IM info and talked to him for a bit there... when he came to town we went to dinner the second night he was here... there was no wall when we met him, he genuinely didn't care that we where gay even after scott did his playful flirty thing over yahoo, According to Ry "he's harmless".
Ryan and Ember get to the Olive Garden, Scott and I are at the table already and had our drinks already, Scott got raspberry lemonade and I had iced tea no lemon. They sit down Ember slacks in the intro department so Ryan Introduces himself... Ember corrects me when I say my name is Mike ad says "he's Sonic thats how I was introduced to him so thats what his name is" (I love her for that she's more attached to that nickname than I am) Ryan apparently Parched starts squeezing the lemon into Scott's drink thinking that we had ordered him a drink already... it was sooooo funny, he of course feeling horrible about it apologized profusely... the rest of us where cracking up and scott was assuring him it was alright... the evening only got more fun from there we had a Great meal getting to know each other and having fun... (side note) Ember and Ryan are one of the cutest couples I have ever seen.
From dinner Scott went to pick up a few more friends and Ryan, Ember, and I went to snoops as it was Embers night to host the sing thing... the evening was great we got to know allot of great fun people.... over the rest of the week we had Ember come over so we could help her with her computer, she and Ryan came and hung out, watched t.v. joked around and all around had a good night... the next morning Ember had to work her day job, I knew Ryan had to hate that she was working so I offered to take him to see her at work, she had taken the car or I'm sure he would have already been there lol... I went to get him and the first thing he did when he got into the car was thank me for hanging out with him... when we got to the book store we went in to see her and her boss (who is apparently awesome!) found out that Ryan was on leave and offered her the option of leaving as we got there, so the three of us went to lunch (Scott was at work) we had mexican Carlos O'Kellys for lunch... somehow (I think I brought them up) Titanium Sporks came up... they sell them on this website I love www.thinkgeek.com and Ryan had actually seen them on the same site....
Its intense how well the four of us clicked in such a short time... I feel loser to them than some people that I have known most of my life...
That september 6th when I left Florida and my friends there I cried myself to sleep on the plain I don't cry ofeten because i usually dont have a reason... the last time I had cried befor that was when I lost My grandfather
I wish he could have lived to see me come out, I know in my heart he would have been happy for me...
Ryan's leave (tho it was extended) ended Monday on Sunday he came over and hung out with me during the day while Ember worked, we played WoW and talked and then went to lunch at Chipotle... we talked about things like how many siblings we had and their age and he asked about my job and stuff... after that we went to see Ember at work and talked about dinner... She had a craving but being the sweetheart that she is she let him plan dinner at a place that didn't have what she craved... we went to dinner then snoops... Ember had to do the sing thing after all...
after all is said and done the night ends, Its depressing because i have already decided that Ry and Ember need some time to Themselves before he leaves again so I refused to make plans with them... when the bar was clearing out he was saying goodbye and I almost cried when he ran up and hugged me (BTW good hugger...) we went out to the parking lot and got in the jeep (scott and I were giving them a ride home) when we got to their house we both got out of the car to get one more good buy hug and I told him ryan he better keep in touch and I hugged Ember and made sure she knows I'm here for her when she needs me day or night...
This morning I put the pictures on face-book was tagging them and saw Ryan in some and couldn't keep going... I almost cried again... I am going to miss him allot I plan to spend allot more time with Ember...
I don't understand why I get so attached and why I get in this mood when these things happen... I know I will be fine and back to normal soon but... its just so frustrating that I cant handle this like I handle the looks Scott and I get from stupid people in public or the people who would call in just to rip me a new one at t-mobile or when t-mobile fired me... those things I handled fine... but this has just hit me hard...
I love all of my friends but the closer I feel to someone the harder this gets... Anyway thanks for letting me vent to you (if anyone still reads this) I think the friend who advised me to write down my thoughts is wise beyond his years, I think I may get some sleep now.
-Mike