SO good to be home.

[songsmith]

I'm so introverted it takes more effort than i have stamina for to be sociable 3 nights in a row. Thursday night was supper club, which was great, as always. Friday night the plan was just to go to dinner with bec and chat and just do the one-on-one thing, which is always comfortable with bec because i can totally be myself. there's no pressure whatsoever. then it turned out the bible study group that i'm supposed to be a part of that meets on friday nights that i never have the energy or desire, to be honest, to attend was throwing a going away party for the mulkeys, my very close friends, who are moving away in like 6 weeks for brandon's new job. i think i wrote about that previously. they're the close friends that are moving away that i took as one of those little signs that it's time for me to move. anyway, bec is christie's sister, who is brandon's wife... the people that are moving. so bec suggested i go to that since bec isn't moving so i'll have plenty of time to spend with her and stuff. so i reluctantly went last night, when all i usually want to do on a friday night after spending 40+ hours talking to people at work, then more after work... is go home and be a fixture on my couch and pet the cat and talk to the dog and watch tv. i thought we were going to play games, which would have been easier for me socially, but no, we sat around and conversed for like 3 hours. i was exhausted by the end of it. completely exhausted. i read some of bird by bird when i got home and then went to bed. tonight was a birthday party for natalie and graham. there were lots of people there that i didn't even know. and if i had not gone out and been all social the past two nights, i would have really enjoyed myself tonight. but with the amount of social anxiety that has plagued me since my warped childhood, it was just not fun for me at all. i found myself trying to find another person that i actually knew who was hanging back and sort of go be by them. that worked pretty well. there was always the "you need to come meet so-and-so" that i had to put on the fucking fake smile for. god i hate that. i want to say, "but i'm happy here. i don't want to meet anybody. tell them i don't want to meet them. thanks." but it doesn't work that way. that is socially unacceptable. i want to move to a country where my idea of social etiquette is actually the accepted way. i'm sure there's a culture like that somewhere. there must be somewhere that i can fit in. surely i'm not the only one like me.

I did have a surreal experience tonight that i must record. 3 years ago i was attending covenant presbyterian church, and i was in the singles group. i now hate singles groups, but that is a different story. anyway, 5 girls lived in this one house, and they were throwing a birthday party for a girl in our group named yvette. i'd sort of forgotten about that until tonight. i was standing in the den, and i noticed the cool book shelves. then i noticed the deck outside. then i looked at the kitchen/dining room again..... and it was the same house!!! how bizzarre is that?! 5 different girls, most of whom go to grace pres with me, live there now. and there i was, 3 years later, at another birthday party. that's just creepy.

oh, my connection is obviously much better now. the cable man, a short, bearded, geeky fellow with a slight irish lilt in his voice, spent about 2 hours here today. he came in and looked at the computer... i was folding clothes or something so i don't know what he was doing in here. then he went outside. then he was out there for a very long time. then there was lots of banking and thumping and carrying on on the side of my house. then he finally knocked on the door, and informed me that he had to replace the entire line that connected my house to the pole. some stupid squirrel had chewed on it.