It's almost been one year....
I don't write in here much any more. In fact, probably no one will even read this. That's ok. This is too personal to share with the bloggers of WordPress and definitely way too personal for it to be shot automatically to my facebook page. Twitter is fine. I think I have about 3 followers....if one of them reads it, I'm okay with that.
So anyway....
It has been almost a year since Amber passed away. Not a day goes by that I don't think of her, and that is why I'm feeling so conflicted now. The 1-year-mark of her passing is also my 29th birthday. I've already been dreading what I'm supposed to do/think/feel about all of this, and it came to a head the other evening. Long story short, Scott has a friend whose birthday is today, and I had made a comment about some possible plans under my breath ("Sure. Celebrate HIS birthday.") which my usually deaf husband he heard. Fortunately, it did not cause an argument, but it did open the door for him to say that he's sorry, but he'll never be celebrating my birthday again.
That really hurt. A lot.
Not to mention that it's not fair.
I LOVE my birthday. I always have. It's the one day every person has that is all about YOU. It's the day that you get to celebrate your existance here with the people you care about the most.
For me, it also gets to be the day the world lost a beautiful and amazing young girl that I was blessed to call my stepdaughter.
It's not just about gifts or anything either. Scott is not the kind of gift giver who gives you something specific for your birthday or Christmas. If he wants to buy me something, he gets it when the urge strikes. That's not what upsets me. What does upset me is that I feel like I am no longer allowed to be glad that it's my birthday. I can no longer celebrate that day with my husband, the love of my life. Get that? I can't celebrate the day that my life began on this earth....to eventually marry the man that I love. It. SUCKS. And at the risk of sounding like a horrible, self-centered 5-year-old, it was my day first. It was my birthday LONG before it became the day that Amber's fight against epilepsy ended. That sounds so awful, but it's how I feel right now.
Scott said that I could celebrate with other people, just not with him, and that WILL happen. He usually works on Labor Day, and I know that I'll get to celebrate with my family.
I can honestly say that I don't care if we "celebrate" my birthday ON my birthday. It doesn't have to be THAT DAY. It really doesn't, but I don't think it's fair for us to pretend that I don't have a birthday anymore. (Although, I wouldn't mind pretending that I'm not getting older....) I don't think it's fair that we can acknowledge and celebrate his birthday if we can't do something for mine.
In addition to that, I feel like I can't celebrate either of my wedding anniversaries either. There's February 15th, when we got married by the JOP because we were afraid Amber would be in the hospital in August, and we wanted to make sure she was part of our getting married. I didn't even MENTION that one to Scott when the one year anniversary came this year because I didn't want to upset him. He did declare this summer, however, that February 15th is the anniversary he wants to celebrate. Even so, I feel like he doesn't really want to because she was there, but now she's gone. And he said that August 7th turns his stomach because everything about that day was great....except she wasn't there. Knowing now that she would be gone less than a month later really ruins that for him.
So what do I get to be happy about?
I feel like it's not okay for me to be happy and want to celebrate the fact that we love each other and we chose to get married. I feel like it's beyond unacceptable for me to be happy and thankful that I have been blessed with so much (despite this terrible loss) and that I have a life to live and to rejoice in the day that I entered the world.
I just want to know when.........
if....
life will ever be okay again.
So anyway....
It has been almost a year since Amber passed away. Not a day goes by that I don't think of her, and that is why I'm feeling so conflicted now. The 1-year-mark of her passing is also my 29th birthday. I've already been dreading what I'm supposed to do/think/feel about all of this, and it came to a head the other evening. Long story short, Scott has a friend whose birthday is today, and I had made a comment about some possible plans under my breath ("Sure. Celebrate HIS birthday.") which my usually deaf husband he heard. Fortunately, it did not cause an argument, but it did open the door for him to say that he's sorry, but he'll never be celebrating my birthday again.
That really hurt. A lot.
Not to mention that it's not fair.
I LOVE my birthday. I always have. It's the one day every person has that is all about YOU. It's the day that you get to celebrate your existance here with the people you care about the most.
For me, it also gets to be the day the world lost a beautiful and amazing young girl that I was blessed to call my stepdaughter.
It's not just about gifts or anything either. Scott is not the kind of gift giver who gives you something specific for your birthday or Christmas. If he wants to buy me something, he gets it when the urge strikes. That's not what upsets me. What does upset me is that I feel like I am no longer allowed to be glad that it's my birthday. I can no longer celebrate that day with my husband, the love of my life. Get that? I can't celebrate the day that my life began on this earth....to eventually marry the man that I love. It. SUCKS. And at the risk of sounding like a horrible, self-centered 5-year-old, it was my day first. It was my birthday LONG before it became the day that Amber's fight against epilepsy ended. That sounds so awful, but it's how I feel right now.
Scott said that I could celebrate with other people, just not with him, and that WILL happen. He usually works on Labor Day, and I know that I'll get to celebrate with my family.
I can honestly say that I don't care if we "celebrate" my birthday ON my birthday. It doesn't have to be THAT DAY. It really doesn't, but I don't think it's fair for us to pretend that I don't have a birthday anymore. (Although, I wouldn't mind pretending that I'm not getting older....) I don't think it's fair that we can acknowledge and celebrate his birthday if we can't do something for mine.
In addition to that, I feel like I can't celebrate either of my wedding anniversaries either. There's February 15th, when we got married by the JOP because we were afraid Amber would be in the hospital in August, and we wanted to make sure she was part of our getting married. I didn't even MENTION that one to Scott when the one year anniversary came this year because I didn't want to upset him. He did declare this summer, however, that February 15th is the anniversary he wants to celebrate. Even so, I feel like he doesn't really want to because she was there, but now she's gone. And he said that August 7th turns his stomach because everything about that day was great....except she wasn't there. Knowing now that she would be gone less than a month later really ruins that for him.
So what do I get to be happy about?
I feel like it's not okay for me to be happy and want to celebrate the fact that we love each other and we chose to get married. I feel like it's beyond unacceptable for me to be happy and thankful that I have been blessed with so much (despite this terrible loss) and that I have a life to live and to rejoice in the day that I entered the world.
I just want to know when.........
if....
life will ever be okay again.