[Verbal Entry | 65% Secure]
I haven't made a lot of these things, so I can't really remember, but I think pretty much all of them have started the same way this one's going to start: Fuck this, I want out.
It's at the point where, if it were BAD, it would be better. And the newcomers.... looking at them is a pain. I barely remember being like that, and I know I'm losing my grip on who I am.
The most I've felt like myself in months was when I nearly killed that loudmouth little human girl... I should have gone through with it. Gods, I wanted to, and now I bloody well regret it. But I can't do anything about it in the future, because as it turns out, she managed to bond with Zuko over martial arts. I know Zuko didn't ask me to lay off her for his sake, but... fuck, I feel like I HAVE to now. He's...
... I just... love him. And I know if things go on, with him and me being friends, with him and her being friends, with her and me being enemies, eventually he'll get caught in the middle and she'll start wondering why he won't reign ME in for HER sake. And I'm just... not... going to do that to him. He should have friends. He shouldn't have to worry about his friends being at each others' throats. Don't get me wrong, I'm not going to make NICE with the irritating little bitch, I'll just... leave her alone. From now on, as far as I'm concerned, she doesn't exist. And no, I'm not telling Zuko, because he doesn't need to know, I'm not doing this to score points with him and I don't want him to fuss over it or be all... grateful. I was pissed off about it for a while, and I don't even know why. Sort of sobering, making me wonder, why was I doing it if I was gonna be upset by it, right? I still don't really know, except that something's just telling me it's the right thing to do.
*sigh*
I'm not used to having to give things up for people. But I feel... kind of encouraged, I guess, that I can. Is that weird? *sighs again* Meh. Either way, I told Axel how I felt about it, and now I'm not going to bring it up again. So, there it is... the bint can scream through the crow, swim in the lake, whatever she wants, and I'll just bloody stay clear and hold my peace. Roll over, go back to sleep. Sleeping's my favorite thing to do here now because I'm barely having sex and there's nothing else I want to do. Plus, when I sleep, I lose big chunks of time, so there's a bonus.
Cor says he's doing everything he can to find a way out of here. He actually showed me some things, so I believe him... I don't comprehend half of what he's doing. Some of the theory is familiar enough that there's a little, tiny shred of hope. He said he doesn't want Zuko to know yet, in case he fails... doesn't want to get his hopes up, I guess, which I understand. What kind of gets me is his insistence that he's doing this FOR Zuko. I mean, I understand Zuko's the Prince of the Fire Nation and crazy shite is going down in his home world and he needs to get back and unravel the cluster-fuck before a lot of people are killed, enslaved, and otherwise made miserable. I understand how important it is to him. I DO. I want him to go home and make things better. But Coramir has, like, this fanatical devotion to it. He's not even telling Zuko how much he's spending all his free time on this project. On one hand, I get his reasons for not doing it. On the other, I always get leery when people in intimate relationships are keeping secrets from each other. And now I'm roped into keeping the secret. I see why I should keep it, it just makes me uncomfortable. Cor doesn't want the pressure of getting Zuko's hopes up. He's already pushing himself really hard. That's fair. He doesn't want to see Zuko's face crumple if he has to tell him he's failed. Also fair. But if I was with someone, consistently, I'd want to be able to trust them to handle things like that. Short-term wonderful surprise, like a birthday party or a nice romantic dinner, totally cool. This... fuck, I dunno. I just want him to succeed. I'm so tired of this place, I just want to... go to sleep and NOT wake up...
*drags himself over the grass and slips back into the water, slithering down to the bottom where it's quiet and just curling up*