A long time coming...
A few years ago I set out on the adventure of trying to explain what may be a very difficult subject for many women to grasp. It was never quite finished. I came across it a few days ago and decided I never will truly finish it but should not deny its existence. This is dedicated to Lauren Moffatt whose questions inspired me to embark on this less than honorable literary adventure my senior year in high school. I have not looked at it since then so I may not still agree with the things that I said but I believe it to be worth posting either way.
Laws of the Male Restroom Part 1
Ambrosius Macrobius once wrote that “Good laws have their origins in bad morals.” These laws that have been placed before us throughout our lives and throughout the history of civilization have been the foundation of society to function. Without laws anarchy would take grasp and all attempt at collective happiness would be lost. Hammurabi ruled during the first dynasty of Babylon from 1792-1750 BC and was responsible for developing the ground work for what would be the first set of laws to reach the world. The laws or codes were a system of dictating punishment for misconduct, market trading, and so forth. The basis of these laws, as with all laws to follow, dictated that the citizens were to obey the codes nolens volens. Such groundwork led to later development by the Greeks and Romans. Some would argue that the basis for all laws even for the modern world were established at Mount Sinai when, as it is written in Exodus 20 in the Bible, God delivered the Ten Commandments to Moses. Whether Christian or not, these cherubic declarations are regarded by many as basic moral standards to abide by. Accepted concepts such as “thou shall not kill” and “thou shall not steal” are the cohesive formulas that make up much of these ten policies.
But in our modern world a new era has been placed into existence. By whatever means of intervention, a system of laws dictates the actions of men everywhere. It is said that mathematics is the universal language in which all find understanding and truth; yet in these laws, found in the hearts and ideals of men, we find truth that need not explaining. The recipe for ease and comfort for all in its presence. An ease that is established in a place where without comfort, chaos would control all means of production and extraction. In this laboratory, where safety is of the utmost importance, we find these codes of conduct that are divinely placed to relieve the tension of all who find themselves within its walls. These are the laws that govern the Male Restroom.
The male restroom is a place that has found a special place in the hearts of all men who use them (*note there are some men who don’t use male restrooms- may raise question of which restrooms transsexuals and transvestites use- but that is a different essay). There are some who are timid in their presence, that shy away from them. Despite the apprehension of these men, there are the majority that find security in the order that has been laid out.
In general it is best when entering the restroom to check for the urinals. I have found this a general guideline to make sure I am in fact entering the male restroom (as opposed to the female). Many times the marking on the door’s on the outside will be unclear; such as when you are in a restaurant and the restaurant wishes to appear unique and original. These unique and original names at times may be confusing. For example if a restaurant wishes to be “tricky” and name the male and female restroom choose the names Don and Dawn. Make sure you know your spelling for this could be a big mistake. Checking for urinals is a good way to correct such an error. If it ever arises that the women’s restroom contains urinals we have bigger problems on our hands than these discussed. Two years ago, after just disembarking The Sun Princess cruise ship, I waited calmly in the lobby of the terminal that would hold me for the next few hours. I, like any person might, decided to visit the lavatory. I walked down the hall and passed the female restroom on my right and proceeded to the next door. Now even as I write this it is not hard to figure out what happened. I opened the door and entered the foyer of the bathroom. My first thought when I entered wasn’t what’s wrong with these men or what’s that box on the wall selling or even this restroom has a very refreshing smell. No, my first thought when I entered was where are the urinals? I immediately recognized my error and exited the room.
Once one enters the male restroom you must maintain a certain order in yourself so that the general order may also be maintained. There are rules that apply in these boundaries that mustn’t be broken. One of the most important of these rules is there is no talking. When it comes down to it there is very little any other man can say that will enhance the experience of using the restroom. At my high school there was a teacher that I liked very much. He was a very intelligent man and wonderful to talk to. I respected him highly and by coincidence we would always go to the bathroom at the same time everyday. This teacher enjoyed speaking in the bathroom. There are certain ways to speak that are acceptable but not required. For example it would not end the world if you were to be entering, a friend exiting, and a slight nod of recognition to communicate a “hello.” This is a smooth, quick, and easy way to “say” hello to a companion and fellow facility user.
This is also an acceptable place to communicate. Neither of you are truly in the restroom but merely at the transition zone. A certain accordance can be reached in certain situations, but I will touch on this subject later. One place that talking is never acceptable is the urinal. In many public restrooms there is no divider wall to separate you from your urinal neighbor. One of these places was at my high school. And my teacher chose this, of all places, to carry on a conversation. No one wishes to talk when at the urinal. It makes for an uncomfortable situation as you consider what the purpose of a urinal really is. The urinal isn’t a conversation piece. People don’t mount urinals in the middle of their living rooms as they would a statue. The urinal is a solemn place, a place where speaking adds nothing but discomfort to the process; and when you’re uncomfortable it makes the process that much harder. You don’t discuss how “it’s” going or what they’ve done with the décor of the room. There is no talking. You don’t compliment your adjacent urinater on their technique or equipment. You don’t collaborate on what there is to be done with the day or how you spent last night. There is no talking. And unlike so many other activities, you don’t have a partner in this activity. When you are at the urinal, you are alone. There is no one to help you. If you have problems or questions or observations, under no circumstance are you to voice them. Say for example it burns… nobody cares. Under no circumstance are you to ask your neighbor any question, especially anything of the “does this look red to you” nature. My teacher didn’t understand this but was too nice of a man to explain the rules to or ignore. So to solve this problem I simply left for the restroom a little later than usual so as to make sure that he was leaving before I was entering.
So it is important to discuss what may be the area that has the most room for error. I’ve been asked on a number of occasions, by women, whether the urinals are used in a restroom. The answer is “absolutely yes,” but they are used under strict guidelines that must never be tampered with. The idea of standing next to another man with no divider wall is less than pleasing. It’s based on the location of the restroom to determine whether you will be granted a divider wall between your neighbor and you. Many times in locations such as schools and old rest stops you will not be granted such a luxury.
The first concept one must understand before using a urinal is understanding what urinal it is proper to “choose.” I put the word choose in quotes to help illustrate that these are laws, and therefore you are seemingly predestined to use whatever urinal is proper at the time. The most basic notion is that you should always skip one to leave a proper buffer zone between you and other users. This is a concept held true by anyone who has ever used a urinal with or without divider walls. But what does the first person to enter choose? If first to enter the restroom, one should use one of the urinals on the end of the row; this allows for any error that may take place in counting the urinals (as to provide maximum occupancy). But one should also note what the structure of the end urinals. Very often the end urinals are what many refer to as the “gimp urinals.” While regular urinals are firm against the wall (with the occasional full body or floor urinal found in older public schools), the gimp urinal sticks out quite a bit further. In fact the gimp urinal looks more like a toilet than it does like a urinal in many ways. This cursed atrocity has lead to many fallen comrades. It is important to note that if you have been dealt this horrible card, there are two ways to deal with the gimp. The first way is to attempt to urinate normally into the bowl as you would a toilet. The problem with this is that you are a good foot farther out from the wall than any of the other males, therefore any means of “coverage” that you would have possessed are all but gone. The only way to cover yourself is to turn completely to the side with your facing the adjacent urinal. There is another technique to using this urinal. Many times users will straddle the urinal much the same way one would straddle a motorcycle. That is how this urinal has also been given the name “crotch rocket” (much the same as the motorcycle). The difficulty in this technique is obvious. So many things can go wrong. Things such as the increased splash risk, possible slippage, obviously looking like a fool to anyone who cares to watch, and any other problem you may think of. It is best to avoid the gimp urinal at all costs but in many cases such as rush hour during a sporting event or class changes at school, it is inevitable that someone will be dealt this unfortunate circumstance.
There is a certain procedure all are expected to use when using the urinal. As has already been discussed, there is no talking; but there is more to using the urinal than abstaining from verbal communication. This rule is perhaps even more important than any verbal communication rule could be, but who are we to judge? When one approaches the urinal one must realize that you are opening up in a way that could scar many men. So often we hear about how men should “let it out” when they go see a counselor or a psychiatrist. But opening up in this situation doesn’t hold a candle to opening up at the urinal. Some might say that men are growing desensitized toward such a concept as is the urinal, but I would disagree. I believe men to be trusting of their brothers, or “pee pee pals” as one might have called it as a child. When one approaches the urinal, you are putting yourself out there and are completely vulnerable (no pun intended). But when you’re putting yourself out there you hold confidence in your neighbor and your neighbor’s neighbor that they will do all that they can to protect your pride, your humility, and your “manhood.”
There are precautions that men take that must not be deviated from. The first is an age old lesson. All our lives we are told during tests that we should not look to our left or our rights but keep our eyes on our own papers. Think of the urinal as the greatest test you’ll ever take. It is the ultimate test of manhood, and if you flunk the test you’ll never be allowed back into the classroom again. I know the idea of taking a test is a rather creative analogy but the point is serious enough to remain. Those who decide to peek are labeled outcasts among all that know of them and their deeds. In my theory a “peeker” should have his picture taken and placed on the wall. This would accomplish two things. First of all this would help to defer any other peekers from peeking lest they too have the humiliation of having their manhood removed and hung on the wall. Second this would help to place a sense of safety on those entering the restroom that they may be readily be able to determine previous “cheaters.”
It would be easy for me to go into the rationale in why it is wrong to peek, but let’s be honest the reason remains obvious. It’s just gross. And that’s all that I’ll say about that. So what is the proper measure to take with one’s eyes?
There are some that would argue that it is best to close your eyes but I believe this to lead to many unneeded complications. It is not unconceivable for this to be a source of the “splash effect.” The “splash effect” has plagued every man throughout history at some point in his life if not multiple times. There are very few ways to recover from such a traumatic painting except to either over compensate by splashing more water on yourself and call anyone who laughs at you immature for assuming it to be urine or to simply cover the error with a book, your shirt, etc. In one instance I was forced to employ a new technique since I was wearing a t-shirt that was too short to cover the tattered area. I used my resourcefulness and scurried outside (it was already dark at the time) and when my companions joined me “the splashed” was cloaked by the night’s darkness. The risk of this complication increases if one is to assume the position of closing their eyes. When in the moment it is quite easy to lose yourself and find yourself closer than you began to the urinal. Again, the risk of this increases with the closing of one’s eyes.
I have chosen to deviate from such an approach. My method (and I’m sure many men would agree with this in their own lives) is to find a focal point. This can be many things. Perhaps the wall itself has a very interesting shape or pattern; surely it can be said that this can consume your active attention for enough time as the process takes. Many times there are some interesting comments that have been placed on the wall, these make adequate reading for short and simple enjoyment. The only problem with this can be what is to be considered your reading vs. your neighbor’s reading. I find the 1x1 rule fits to help any confusion. Every man has a box of 1 foot by 1 foot. Everything that falls into that territory (that lay directly in front of him) is his viewing material. Any deviation can lead to unnecessary complications.
The question now arises for most as to what is the proper way to flush the urinal. I have found there to be no set way to accomplish such a task but I will attempt to divulge some of the various techniques I have seen. The first is the Hulk Hogan method. Since the demographic reading this is most likely not the same demographic to be watching pro wrestling I will explain the reasoning behind this label. Back in the day Hulk Hogan was a wrestler that entertained and enriched the lives of many middle school boys. His finisher was a combination of a “boot to the face” and a “leg drop.” It is from the boot to the face that we draw the name of this technique. It is simply done by lifting one’s leg so that the foot lay directly in front of the flush knob. A quick jab propelled by the thigh is then used to push the flush knob to discard its contents. It is important to push at the end of the flush furthest from the lever as to minimize the amount of surface space connection.
Another technique is a tad bit more risky but requires less energy. The Two Finger Drag is for those who are braver to use their hands. It is merely done by placing your index and middle finger on the backside of the flush knob and pulling them toward you and then quickly releasing. I am more prone to use this technique since I feel I am going to be able to quarantine any foreign visitor that has decided to visit my skin with the hand washing that will soon take place. However if the flush knob is clearly covered in a foreign element it is best to ask Mr. Hulk Hogan for his assistance. The final technique that I will speak of is one that I greatly disagree with. The technique is one of disregard or not flushing at all. In my opinion to do so is a travesty and unacceptable. To counter this action they have begun incorporating automatic flushing urinals and toilets in public restrooms and in other facilities. I think this is one of the best inventions to enter the restroom since the double toilet paper wielder (that, God bless it, has saved so many of our poor selves).
Laws of the Male Restroom Part 1
Ambrosius Macrobius once wrote that “Good laws have their origins in bad morals.” These laws that have been placed before us throughout our lives and throughout the history of civilization have been the foundation of society to function. Without laws anarchy would take grasp and all attempt at collective happiness would be lost. Hammurabi ruled during the first dynasty of Babylon from 1792-1750 BC and was responsible for developing the ground work for what would be the first set of laws to reach the world. The laws or codes were a system of dictating punishment for misconduct, market trading, and so forth. The basis of these laws, as with all laws to follow, dictated that the citizens were to obey the codes nolens volens. Such groundwork led to later development by the Greeks and Romans. Some would argue that the basis for all laws even for the modern world were established at Mount Sinai when, as it is written in Exodus 20 in the Bible, God delivered the Ten Commandments to Moses. Whether Christian or not, these cherubic declarations are regarded by many as basic moral standards to abide by. Accepted concepts such as “thou shall not kill” and “thou shall not steal” are the cohesive formulas that make up much of these ten policies.
But in our modern world a new era has been placed into existence. By whatever means of intervention, a system of laws dictates the actions of men everywhere. It is said that mathematics is the universal language in which all find understanding and truth; yet in these laws, found in the hearts and ideals of men, we find truth that need not explaining. The recipe for ease and comfort for all in its presence. An ease that is established in a place where without comfort, chaos would control all means of production and extraction. In this laboratory, where safety is of the utmost importance, we find these codes of conduct that are divinely placed to relieve the tension of all who find themselves within its walls. These are the laws that govern the Male Restroom.
The male restroom is a place that has found a special place in the hearts of all men who use them (*note there are some men who don’t use male restrooms- may raise question of which restrooms transsexuals and transvestites use- but that is a different essay). There are some who are timid in their presence, that shy away from them. Despite the apprehension of these men, there are the majority that find security in the order that has been laid out.
In general it is best when entering the restroom to check for the urinals. I have found this a general guideline to make sure I am in fact entering the male restroom (as opposed to the female). Many times the marking on the door’s on the outside will be unclear; such as when you are in a restaurant and the restaurant wishes to appear unique and original. These unique and original names at times may be confusing. For example if a restaurant wishes to be “tricky” and name the male and female restroom choose the names Don and Dawn. Make sure you know your spelling for this could be a big mistake. Checking for urinals is a good way to correct such an error. If it ever arises that the women’s restroom contains urinals we have bigger problems on our hands than these discussed. Two years ago, after just disembarking The Sun Princess cruise ship, I waited calmly in the lobby of the terminal that would hold me for the next few hours. I, like any person might, decided to visit the lavatory. I walked down the hall and passed the female restroom on my right and proceeded to the next door. Now even as I write this it is not hard to figure out what happened. I opened the door and entered the foyer of the bathroom. My first thought when I entered wasn’t what’s wrong with these men or what’s that box on the wall selling or even this restroom has a very refreshing smell. No, my first thought when I entered was where are the urinals? I immediately recognized my error and exited the room.
Once one enters the male restroom you must maintain a certain order in yourself so that the general order may also be maintained. There are rules that apply in these boundaries that mustn’t be broken. One of the most important of these rules is there is no talking. When it comes down to it there is very little any other man can say that will enhance the experience of using the restroom. At my high school there was a teacher that I liked very much. He was a very intelligent man and wonderful to talk to. I respected him highly and by coincidence we would always go to the bathroom at the same time everyday. This teacher enjoyed speaking in the bathroom. There are certain ways to speak that are acceptable but not required. For example it would not end the world if you were to be entering, a friend exiting, and a slight nod of recognition to communicate a “hello.” This is a smooth, quick, and easy way to “say” hello to a companion and fellow facility user.
This is also an acceptable place to communicate. Neither of you are truly in the restroom but merely at the transition zone. A certain accordance can be reached in certain situations, but I will touch on this subject later. One place that talking is never acceptable is the urinal. In many public restrooms there is no divider wall to separate you from your urinal neighbor. One of these places was at my high school. And my teacher chose this, of all places, to carry on a conversation. No one wishes to talk when at the urinal. It makes for an uncomfortable situation as you consider what the purpose of a urinal really is. The urinal isn’t a conversation piece. People don’t mount urinals in the middle of their living rooms as they would a statue. The urinal is a solemn place, a place where speaking adds nothing but discomfort to the process; and when you’re uncomfortable it makes the process that much harder. You don’t discuss how “it’s” going or what they’ve done with the décor of the room. There is no talking. You don’t compliment your adjacent urinater on their technique or equipment. You don’t collaborate on what there is to be done with the day or how you spent last night. There is no talking. And unlike so many other activities, you don’t have a partner in this activity. When you are at the urinal, you are alone. There is no one to help you. If you have problems or questions or observations, under no circumstance are you to voice them. Say for example it burns… nobody cares. Under no circumstance are you to ask your neighbor any question, especially anything of the “does this look red to you” nature. My teacher didn’t understand this but was too nice of a man to explain the rules to or ignore. So to solve this problem I simply left for the restroom a little later than usual so as to make sure that he was leaving before I was entering.
So it is important to discuss what may be the area that has the most room for error. I’ve been asked on a number of occasions, by women, whether the urinals are used in a restroom. The answer is “absolutely yes,” but they are used under strict guidelines that must never be tampered with. The idea of standing next to another man with no divider wall is less than pleasing. It’s based on the location of the restroom to determine whether you will be granted a divider wall between your neighbor and you. Many times in locations such as schools and old rest stops you will not be granted such a luxury.
The first concept one must understand before using a urinal is understanding what urinal it is proper to “choose.” I put the word choose in quotes to help illustrate that these are laws, and therefore you are seemingly predestined to use whatever urinal is proper at the time. The most basic notion is that you should always skip one to leave a proper buffer zone between you and other users. This is a concept held true by anyone who has ever used a urinal with or without divider walls. But what does the first person to enter choose? If first to enter the restroom, one should use one of the urinals on the end of the row; this allows for any error that may take place in counting the urinals (as to provide maximum occupancy). But one should also note what the structure of the end urinals. Very often the end urinals are what many refer to as the “gimp urinals.” While regular urinals are firm against the wall (with the occasional full body or floor urinal found in older public schools), the gimp urinal sticks out quite a bit further. In fact the gimp urinal looks more like a toilet than it does like a urinal in many ways. This cursed atrocity has lead to many fallen comrades. It is important to note that if you have been dealt this horrible card, there are two ways to deal with the gimp. The first way is to attempt to urinate normally into the bowl as you would a toilet. The problem with this is that you are a good foot farther out from the wall than any of the other males, therefore any means of “coverage” that you would have possessed are all but gone. The only way to cover yourself is to turn completely to the side with your facing the adjacent urinal. There is another technique to using this urinal. Many times users will straddle the urinal much the same way one would straddle a motorcycle. That is how this urinal has also been given the name “crotch rocket” (much the same as the motorcycle). The difficulty in this technique is obvious. So many things can go wrong. Things such as the increased splash risk, possible slippage, obviously looking like a fool to anyone who cares to watch, and any other problem you may think of. It is best to avoid the gimp urinal at all costs but in many cases such as rush hour during a sporting event or class changes at school, it is inevitable that someone will be dealt this unfortunate circumstance.
There is a certain procedure all are expected to use when using the urinal. As has already been discussed, there is no talking; but there is more to using the urinal than abstaining from verbal communication. This rule is perhaps even more important than any verbal communication rule could be, but who are we to judge? When one approaches the urinal one must realize that you are opening up in a way that could scar many men. So often we hear about how men should “let it out” when they go see a counselor or a psychiatrist. But opening up in this situation doesn’t hold a candle to opening up at the urinal. Some might say that men are growing desensitized toward such a concept as is the urinal, but I would disagree. I believe men to be trusting of their brothers, or “pee pee pals” as one might have called it as a child. When one approaches the urinal, you are putting yourself out there and are completely vulnerable (no pun intended). But when you’re putting yourself out there you hold confidence in your neighbor and your neighbor’s neighbor that they will do all that they can to protect your pride, your humility, and your “manhood.”
There are precautions that men take that must not be deviated from. The first is an age old lesson. All our lives we are told during tests that we should not look to our left or our rights but keep our eyes on our own papers. Think of the urinal as the greatest test you’ll ever take. It is the ultimate test of manhood, and if you flunk the test you’ll never be allowed back into the classroom again. I know the idea of taking a test is a rather creative analogy but the point is serious enough to remain. Those who decide to peek are labeled outcasts among all that know of them and their deeds. In my theory a “peeker” should have his picture taken and placed on the wall. This would accomplish two things. First of all this would help to defer any other peekers from peeking lest they too have the humiliation of having their manhood removed and hung on the wall. Second this would help to place a sense of safety on those entering the restroom that they may be readily be able to determine previous “cheaters.”
It would be easy for me to go into the rationale in why it is wrong to peek, but let’s be honest the reason remains obvious. It’s just gross. And that’s all that I’ll say about that. So what is the proper measure to take with one’s eyes?
There are some that would argue that it is best to close your eyes but I believe this to lead to many unneeded complications. It is not unconceivable for this to be a source of the “splash effect.” The “splash effect” has plagued every man throughout history at some point in his life if not multiple times. There are very few ways to recover from such a traumatic painting except to either over compensate by splashing more water on yourself and call anyone who laughs at you immature for assuming it to be urine or to simply cover the error with a book, your shirt, etc. In one instance I was forced to employ a new technique since I was wearing a t-shirt that was too short to cover the tattered area. I used my resourcefulness and scurried outside (it was already dark at the time) and when my companions joined me “the splashed” was cloaked by the night’s darkness. The risk of this complication increases if one is to assume the position of closing their eyes. When in the moment it is quite easy to lose yourself and find yourself closer than you began to the urinal. Again, the risk of this increases with the closing of one’s eyes.
I have chosen to deviate from such an approach. My method (and I’m sure many men would agree with this in their own lives) is to find a focal point. This can be many things. Perhaps the wall itself has a very interesting shape or pattern; surely it can be said that this can consume your active attention for enough time as the process takes. Many times there are some interesting comments that have been placed on the wall, these make adequate reading for short and simple enjoyment. The only problem with this can be what is to be considered your reading vs. your neighbor’s reading. I find the 1x1 rule fits to help any confusion. Every man has a box of 1 foot by 1 foot. Everything that falls into that territory (that lay directly in front of him) is his viewing material. Any deviation can lead to unnecessary complications.
The question now arises for most as to what is the proper way to flush the urinal. I have found there to be no set way to accomplish such a task but I will attempt to divulge some of the various techniques I have seen. The first is the Hulk Hogan method. Since the demographic reading this is most likely not the same demographic to be watching pro wrestling I will explain the reasoning behind this label. Back in the day Hulk Hogan was a wrestler that entertained and enriched the lives of many middle school boys. His finisher was a combination of a “boot to the face” and a “leg drop.” It is from the boot to the face that we draw the name of this technique. It is simply done by lifting one’s leg so that the foot lay directly in front of the flush knob. A quick jab propelled by the thigh is then used to push the flush knob to discard its contents. It is important to push at the end of the flush furthest from the lever as to minimize the amount of surface space connection.
Another technique is a tad bit more risky but requires less energy. The Two Finger Drag is for those who are braver to use their hands. It is merely done by placing your index and middle finger on the backside of the flush knob and pulling them toward you and then quickly releasing. I am more prone to use this technique since I feel I am going to be able to quarantine any foreign visitor that has decided to visit my skin with the hand washing that will soon take place. However if the flush knob is clearly covered in a foreign element it is best to ask Mr. Hulk Hogan for his assistance. The final technique that I will speak of is one that I greatly disagree with. The technique is one of disregard or not flushing at all. In my opinion to do so is a travesty and unacceptable. To counter this action they have begun incorporating automatic flushing urinals and toilets in public restrooms and in other facilities. I think this is one of the best inventions to enter the restroom since the double toilet paper wielder (that, God bless it, has saved so many of our poor selves).