And it's been autumn since the day that i met you. If I hit bottom, must I crawl out alone?...
I'm a fraud. This has come to me as a simple realization, not much of an epiphany, but the type of statement that's on the tip of your tongue. As if somebody had asked me weeks ago "what are you really?" and giving up on thinking much more I simply responded "i don't know." and let it go, until weeks later suddenly it's there.
It's this whole quest for who I am. None of it is actually me, how can you possibly search for who you are? What I'm trying to be is simply a collaboration of A) what other people actually are, or B) what other people have stolen from previous lives. Inspiration is supposed to be a good thing, but what is growth when it's not original. You can't do it on your own?
How pathetic is that.
I'm watching turner classic movies in the background, and some 30's movie is playing. I wish we still (if we ever) talked like that- so proud and quick witted. It's all so innocent, but the tones imply that it's something racy. "Now you listen to me, you- you small town bigshot... " I wonder if I'd sound stupid if I started talking that way. Actually, I wonder if I wouldn't sound stupid. I almost know I would, just toying with the hope.
Hope. Another word that's looked upon fondly that shouldn't. That's pathetic as well. Ugh. I feel detached. Like I'm in prison or something- I've read two books in one day. I'm sitting here wondering how Shanna is doing with fight club. How Chris has been for the past three years we haven't spoken. How Matt's 12 hour drive home is going. How my laundry is fairing. Melodic Hardcore? Isn't that a contradiction? Hardcore Melody seems more appropriate to me.
You know, I think video games have it all right. I think that should be my new religion, because it makes so much sense. We're on the first level, you make it through the first subcategories- you beat the mushrooms, catch all the stars, look under all the blocks to find out secrets. Then you move on to the next level, until finally we're rewarded with some huge prize, marry Peach, and are either satisfied with your situation until you become bored or do it all over again.
I suppose I can stop complaining about how I hate the world here, since Jordan has brought the subject up. Apparently he has issues with "that fat italian kid". God. Who doesn't...
It's this whole quest for who I am. None of it is actually me, how can you possibly search for who you are? What I'm trying to be is simply a collaboration of A) what other people actually are, or B) what other people have stolen from previous lives. Inspiration is supposed to be a good thing, but what is growth when it's not original. You can't do it on your own?
How pathetic is that.
I'm watching turner classic movies in the background, and some 30's movie is playing. I wish we still (if we ever) talked like that- so proud and quick witted. It's all so innocent, but the tones imply that it's something racy. "Now you listen to me, you- you small town bigshot... " I wonder if I'd sound stupid if I started talking that way. Actually, I wonder if I wouldn't sound stupid. I almost know I would, just toying with the hope.
Hope. Another word that's looked upon fondly that shouldn't. That's pathetic as well. Ugh. I feel detached. Like I'm in prison or something- I've read two books in one day. I'm sitting here wondering how Shanna is doing with fight club. How Chris has been for the past three years we haven't spoken. How Matt's 12 hour drive home is going. How my laundry is fairing. Melodic Hardcore? Isn't that a contradiction? Hardcore Melody seems more appropriate to me.
You know, I think video games have it all right. I think that should be my new religion, because it makes so much sense. We're on the first level, you make it through the first subcategories- you beat the mushrooms, catch all the stars, look under all the blocks to find out secrets. Then you move on to the next level, until finally we're rewarded with some huge prize, marry Peach, and are either satisfied with your situation until you become bored or do it all over again.
I suppose I can stop complaining about how I hate the world here, since Jordan has brought the subject up. Apparently he has issues with "that fat italian kid". God. Who doesn't...