[fic] A World of Lies and Love - Chapter 2 {3/5}
Title: A World of Lies and Love
Pairing: RyoKame (Nishikido Ryo x Kamenashi Kazuya)
Rating: PG-15
Summary: Their biggest strength was that they could hurt each other like no one else could, but they could also love each other like no one else could
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Chapter 1 |
Chapter 2 : part 1 | part 2 |
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March 29, 2010
Laughter rang out in the mostly silent apartment as Kazuya sat cross-legged on the pullout couch in the main area, against Nishikido’s front, and Nishikido’s hands covered his, moving his fingers to the right places on the guitar that had been taken out.
“And then,” Nishikido said, even as he leaned in closer so that he could adjust Kazuya’s fingers properly, “Right there.” He casually reached over and strummed his fingers briefly along the strings of the guitar, emitting a pleasant chord. Kazuya looked down at where Nishikido’s arms were pressing against his, almost holding him in an embrace.
It was so foreign, being so close to someone like this, in such an intimate way, in more than just proximity - more than when Koki often tackled him to the ground, this felt much more intense, and while Kazuya should be used to it by now, he still wasn’t.
Nishikido had laughed at him the first time he had spontaneously wrapped Kazuya in his arms one day while they were in the apartment, the first week they had been dating; the sudden, unexpected, contact had made him jump and Kazuya had been unprepared for the emotions that shot through him when Nishikido responded to Kazuya’s “what are you doing?” with a low laugh of “What I feel like doing.” It was so unpremeditated, so…so sudden, that Kazuya was caught by surprise at the sheer boldness of it.
Whenever he was with Natsuki, he had held her hand, had kissed her, had done everything a boyfriend - and fiancé - should, but everything he did had been from hints she had given, and what he knew he was supposed to do to keep her happy. This…sudden embrace that Nishikido had trapped him in, for no reason at all, had bewildered Kazuya.
Nishikido in general bewildered Kazuya, to be honest. The man contradicted himself so much; at times, he could be so overwhelming, bold, forward, and almost frighteningly intense, and then the next minute, he would hold onto Kazuya with a misleading softness that was the complete opposite from what he had been like only seconds before.
Misleading, because Kazuya could always still see that there was something that haunted Nishikido deep down; when they were together, sometimes, it went away, but if Kazuya looked hard enough, he could still sense it. He could see it too, when they spent the night together, and Kazuya woke up in the middle of the night; often, Nishikido would be up as well, and probably had been for a while, and Kazuya would be lost as to what to do, because the pitch black room would seem to be made even darker somehow by the look in Nishikido’s eyes; then, the look would disappear, replaced with a small smirk at seeing Kazuya, and although Nishikido pulled Kazuya to him, the younger man couldn’t so easily forget that thing that tugged at his heart.
But Kazuya understood that there were things you just couldn’t tell someone. He understood where Nishikido was coming from, which was why he would slowly tell Nishikido more about himself, during those late hours when they were awake, and sometimes, to his happiness and triumph, he got something out of Nishikido as well.
Which was how Kazuya found out that Nishikido was actually skilled in playing guitar, and had urged him to teach him a little.
“I didn’t recognize that,” Kazuya admitted a bit sheepishly as he felt Nishikido pull both their hands away from the guitar, meaning the lesson was over.
Nishikido eyed him for a moment, before he laid the guitar aside, and was running his hands up Kazuya’s uncovered body from behind; as he did, he murmured to Kazuya, “I’d be worried if you did; it’s something I’ve been trying to work on in my free time.”
Kazuya’s eyebrows shot up, “You wrote it?” he asked.
“Well, I do it when I have free time,” Nishikido replied, “It’s a nice way to relax.”
Kazuya couldn’t help but look at his fingers, that had been guided by Nishikido into playing that song, with a bit more sense of awe, “So, what are you doing working for a normal company when you obviously have the talent to try for something a bit more glamorous?”
Nishikido shrugged, as he ran a finger along Kazuya’s torso, accepting that Kazuya simply wanted to know about him, and that the younger man’s methods involved asking questions; he never got annoyed though. Kazuya was good in that he knew when to back off of a topic.
“Circumstances have convinced me that it’s better off as a hobby,” Nishikido said a bit huskily as he leaned in, tilting his head to close the distance between them.
Kazuya’s eyebrows furrowed at that, but he didn’t ask any more. It frustrated him at times, to have his questions avoided, but he knew more than anyone that some things were better left in the past, as memories.
“Okay,” Kazuya said, before tugging a little on a chain around Nishikido’s neck, pulling him roughly down toward himself.
Nishikido had a pleased smirk on his face as he brushed his lips against Kazuya’s, barely touching, but somehow managing to flick his tongue across Kazuya’s bottom lip as well, “I’m glad you understand,” he said lowly.
That was perhaps one of the things that Kazuya knew that Nishikido liked about him, one of the things that led to Nishikido boldly admitting his feelings to an engaged man - that Kazuya, more than anyone in the world, could understand the darkness that Nishikido hid behind upturned lips and laughs. Kazuya understood that there were some things that one just didn’t talk about.
But Kazuya could also see what others couldn’t - the hidden promise enclosed in the older man’s gaze when he looked at Kazuya.
A promise that silently swore ‘I’ll tell you one day’.
But right now, that didn’t matter; the secrets that each of them held didn’t matter. What mattered was that Kazuya was completely enraptured by Nishikido, and Nishikido was completely drawn in by Kazuya; what mattered was that they had a chance at this relationship together now, and it seemed like the world was in their hands, and they were at the very top together.
That, Kazuya decided before his thoughts were cut off when Nishikido elicited a moan from him, was all that mattered right now.
* * *
April 6, 2010
Kazuya liked to spend any free time he had with Nishikido, and most of the time, that meant the two of them holing themselves up in Nishikido’s apartment. To Kazuya, being with Nishikido was one of the few instances when he could truly relax and be himself; Nishikido didn’t ask anything of him, and he also didn’t know about his much too complicated relationship with the people who had brought him up, which was the one sore point with Kazuya’s friends over the years.
Kazuya ran his fingers along the side of Nishikido’s face as the older man slept, a much needed nap after an exhausting day at work; Kazuya was equally as tired, and probably would have slept too, but sometimes, he liked doing this, just watching Nishikido as he slept. It helped him think more calmly about things he normally wanted to avoid.
Kazuya would have hated to admit it, but Nishikido had truly yanked the world out from under his feet, leaving him tumbling through nothingness until he had crashed into Nishikido’s waiting arms - probably the older man’s plan all along.
But it wasn’t as though Kazuya minded; with Nishikido, Kazuya found that he didn’t have to hide a part of himself, or lie. He had done that so many times over the years. He was constantly hiding the part of him that would make Natsuki’s parents angry at him, and he sometimes lied to Koki, telling him that everything was okay when it clearly wasn’t. With Nishikido, it was like he was a blank slate that could start over, without anything tainting that; it also helped that Nishikido was so clearly unafraid of anything Natsuki’s parents could do to him if they found out about this relationship.
Kazuya often wondered about that; Nishikido was so…stubborn, almost, when he told Kazuya that his fiancée’s family couldn’t do anything to hurt him. It confused him, because while Natsuki’s family wasn’t exactly the most influential in Japan, they had enough influence and power to invoke more than a slight hint of trepidation in anybody who crossed them.
Kazuya liked that with Nishikido, he didn’t have to think about the future; Nishikido didn’t press him to. He seemed somehow convinced that there was nothing that Natsuki or her parents could do to them, if they found out. Kazuya marvelled at the confidence that Nishikido had about that; he liked not being the one to worry about the future. Back in previous relationships, Kazuya always feared, just a little bit, the day he would have to tell Natsuki’s parents, his guardians essentially, when he was still underage, about any relationships he had, or being found out. His life had always held some sort of secrecy and worrying to it; Kazuya liked his relationship with Nishikido because there was a refreshing lack of that.
It had only been about a month since he had started to date Nishikido, and about three months since he had met Nishikido, but they had moved quickly, and Kazuya often wondered whether they had moved too fast; he had gotten attached quickly, almost frighteningly so. It wasn’t safe for him to be in this relationship, but he was so into Nishikido that he found that he didn’t need much, if any, convincing to dismiss those worries. Kazuya had fallen too fast; normally, when Kazuya liked someone, it was something that happened over time for him to realize, but with Nishikido, it hadn’t been that way, and Kazuya often wondered if maybe, he was mistaking his feelings for something else, but…at the same time, he also knew that it was just fear of the future that was speaking when he thought that. He knew for sure that none of these feelings were mistakes. But unlike his lover, Kazuya didn’t have the same conviction about the future; his plans for the future had been ruined one too many times for him to trust so blindly in it.
“How can you be sure of the future?” he said softly, even as he brushed the fingertips of two of his fingers along Nishikido’s jaw, before they naturally went up to place themselves on Nishikido’s lips.
That part of Nishikido amazed him, and Kazuya knew that it was a side that people rarely saw of Nishikido; Kazuya himself had been caught off guard by Nishikido’s strong belief in what lay ahead for them.
Kazuya suddenly let out a yelp when a set of teeth bit his two fingers softly, but hard enough that it elicited a jolt of pain. Nishikido’s eyes were looking sleepily up at him, and Kazuya looked balefully at him as he drew his hand away.
“You bit me,” he stated, copying Nishikido’s almost copyright sardonic tone.
Nishikido merely smirked as he grabbed a hold of Kazuya’s fingers, and rubbed them between two of his own, “Well, you think too much,” he stated with a wry grin as he pulled Kazuya down onto the bed so that they were both on the same pillow and facing each other, “Someone has to knock some sense into you. And I think you’d rather I bite you than hit you.”
Kazuya stared.
“Stop thinking so much about what you can’t control,” Nishikido continued, “I’ve told you before; nothing they can do can threaten or hurt me. It’s safe to be with me.”
Kazuya also marvelled at how well Nishikido could read him, after only knowing him for a few months.
“Why are you so sure though?” Kazuya couldn’t help but ask; he was insecure, but it was reasonable, wasn’t it? His life had been controlled and twisted so much by his guardians…
“Because I know that anything they do to try to hurt me will rebound on them, I guarantee it.” Nishikido said, an almost ferocious look shining in his eyes, “They’ll regret anything they do to me, and to you.”
Kazuya just stared; this was a side of Nishikido that the older man always tried to hide, as though he thought it would scare Kazuya away if he showed too much of it. Kazuya hadn’t quite worked up to telling Nishikido that he found it hot, seeing Nishikido with such a sinister look on his face. He often wondered what it was that Nishikido had up his sleeve that would enable that look, but...
“Will you ever tell me why one day?”
Nishikido smirked, “You can try to find out,” he dared.
Kazuya returned the smirk, “Watch it,” he warned, “I might just try.”
“No, you won’t,” Nishikido countered, “You appreciate privacy too much; you understand me too well, because you’re exactly the same way.”
Kazuya started at that, but didn’t disagree; he did understand what it felt like to have something that he didn’t tell anyone so easily.
“Will you tell me one day?” he asked again instead, “I’ll tell you about me,” he said enticingly, purposely trying to lighten up the tone of the conversation.
Nishikido smirked, “Maybe if you work up to it,” he said, lips turning into a true grin, “You’ll have to work for it. And let me tell you, I’m not easy to break.”
Kazuya returned the grin, “Well, I do like a challenge,” he murmured, knowing he was repeating Nishikido’s words from a few months earlier back to him.
Nishikido’s eyebrows shot up, “So do I,” he said sardonically, “And you know what I see my challenge as right now?”
He had such a smug grin on his face that Kazuya looked at him warily. Thus, he barely made a noise when Nishikido pulled him closer to him with his elbow; he was pressed against Nishikido, nothing but their boxers between their bodies and only a sheet covering them, “I’m going to make you say my name,” he hissed into Kazuya’s ear.
Kazuya shivered, but still managed to say, croak out really, “Nishikido?”
A self-satisfied smirk, “Not quite. The other one,” he said in a breathy hiss that made Kazuya close his eyes as the breath resonated in his ears, “Nobody here but you and me, and trust me, you’ll say it.”
Kazuya didn’t quite want to tell his lover that he was quite content to say it if he asked - this was more…
And for the next while, the future was firmly put out of Kazuya’s mind, as he lost to Nishikido repeatedly, breathing out, “Ryo,” between kisses that left him just as breathless as saying again and again, “Ryo.”
* * *
June 1, 2010
The weeks, and months, passed quickly in some ways and slowly in other ways. Their relationship was growing stronger with each day that passed, and Kazuya could swear that he felt more connected with Ryo in the short months that they had had together than all those years with Natsuki; work passed the same as ever, but luckily for Kazuya, nobody really questioned the two of them spending time together.
So far, it seemed that Koki and the others hadn’t figured it out, and as far as Kazuya was concerned, that was as good as saying that they wouldn’t be found out any time soon. If Koki and the rest of his friends, who had been friends with and watching over Kazuya for years and years, hadn’t figured it out yet, then nobody else would.
As summer weather approached, unease filled Kazuya once June crept into their lives. Like a panther stalking its prey, it crept up on Kazuya and was upon him before he even realized it, leaving Kazuya as a mess of dread and uncertainty. And he wasn’t quite willing to talk about it, no matter how bad it got.
Ryo knew though, and Kazuya knew that Ryo knew.
He didn’t press Kazuya about it though, except for a brief questioning look and a raising of his eyebrows, which he slowly covered up when Kazuya shook his head almost stubbornly.
Kazuya could feel Ryo pressing the side of his jaw against Kazuya’s neck, in an almost caressing manner, which was contradicted by the intense look that Kazuya could see in those eyes; he could feel Ryo’s eyes still on him as he tilted his head back in response to that.
Kazuya had closed his eyes, just letting the feeling of Ryo’s hands on his body wash over him; he knew very well that it was obvious that something was wrong to Ryo, and he wondered how long it would be until the older man gave up all sense of patience and tried to drag it out of Kazuya.
Kazuya let out a noise muffled by lips on his, as he opened his eyes and saw Ryo gazing intently down at him; his hands were gripping Kazuya’s shoulder in a near vice-like way, and Kazuya stopped short, staring at Ryo with trepidation in his eyes.
“Do you know,” Ryo started, as he murmured against Kazuya’s lips, “Why I’ve been told under threat of public embarrassment to go to Tanaka’s place tomorrow for some kind of party?”
Kazuya stiffened just a little, and he let his eyes flutter shut, “Koki invited you?”
“Taguchi did,” Ryo replied, drawing a finger down Kazuya’s arm, “Did you not want me there?” he asked in a dark tone.
“No - no…” Kazuya said quietly, “I just…didn’t expect that.” He confessed, tugging on the chain around Ryo’s neck to pull him closer, “I mean…”
Ryo made a humming noise, as he stared at Kazuya, “Are you sure?” he asked piercingly.
Kazuya didn’t answer, but he lifted his head to smother their lips together; Ryo groaned into the kiss, as his hands wandered down, down, down, to Kazuya’s inner thigh, even as Kazuya was attempting to work the unbuttoned shirt off of Ryo’s body.
“Just one question,” Ryo said in a husky whisper, “Does this have anything to do with why you’re so upset lately?”
Kazuya froze.
“I see,” Ryo murmured even as he slipped a hand underneath the silky cloth of Kazuya’s boxers, “I’ll go then.”
* * *
June 2, 2010
“Your friends aren’t as oblivious as you might want to think.”
Kazuya blinked at Ryo, and then slowly looked over at where he knew Koki to be loitering around; his friend was staring as the two of them spoke, and then when he saw that Kazuya saw him, he grinned, waved and went back to shouting in outrage as Junno beat him in whatever video game they were playing on the TV right now.
“What makes you say that?”
Ryo paused for a moment, and then pulled out a piece of paper out of his back pocket. Kazuya stared at it sort of incredulously, “Wha -”
“That’s how many times I’ve been told ‘it’s about time he got someone other than that selfish woman’, or ‘you’d better treat him better than that stupid bitch or -’ or ‘Does this mean the marriage is off?’ or some variation of those.” Ryo said in a deadpan manner.
Kazuya blanched, looked over at Koki again, and saw both him and Junno waving at him overly enthusiastically. Kazuya sighed, “Sorry?” he offered, “For all the questions you’re getting I mean.”
Ryo grinned, “Don’t be. I had fun answering, but not really answering them; gave me a lot of confused faces to laugh at.”
Kazuya laughed at that, despite himself, “Did Junno -” he paused, “Did Junno ever tell you what this party is for?” he licked his lips nervously.
Ryo had a smirk crossing his face, and he leaned in just a little, “I told you, you really have to stop that nervous habit; it makes me think you want to be kissed.”
Kazuya merely grinned at him, “I’m not complaining, but later.” He said. He waited for a moment, before deciding to ask again, “So…”
“No,” Ryo replied, “But he said that you should be the one to tell me.”
Kazuya smiled faintly; he wasn’t sure what to think of that. It wasn’t that he didn’t want Ryo to know, but…it would just be much easier if he didn’t have to actually talk about it. He ran his fingers lightly across Ryo’s hand; his body blocked anyone else from seeing it. After all, it was one thing to suspect that he was dating Ryo, it was something else for it to be confirmed, and Kazuya, more than anything, wanted to avoid a confrontation. He never won those with his guardians, not a single one, and he didn’t want to lose Ryo to that all too familiar battle.
“Can we…” Kazuya trailed off, “I don’t know…go?”
Ryo furrowed his eyebrows, and frowned a little, “If you want…” he said in a surprisingly agreeable voice. He looked around.
“Don’t worry about the party; Koki was going to send everyone home soon anyways.” Kazuya said in as light of a tone as he could manage. He obviously didn’t manage too well, because Ryo shot him a sharp look.
But true enough to his words, the party had already started to wind down; people who were crashing here for the night were lounging around, some of them looking as though they were half asleep. He could see Ryo looking around, and from the look of confusion on his face, he hadn’t noticed it before. Kazuya could guess why he hadn’t noticed; he was probably preoccupied with all the people talking to him about Kazuya, wondering what was going on, especially since Kazuya knew it was no secret that he was the center of all his friends’ attention tonight. Ryo had probably been too busy trying to figure out what was going on to see the party winding down around him.
“So, you want to say your goodbyes and all that?” Ryo suggested, as if he knew about the dark shadows gripping onto Kazuya’s heart. And maybe, he already knew about Kazuya’s more than desperate attempts to stay in the present, and for tonight, not think about the past or the future. Kazuya knew those attempts would fail soon though.
Kazuya gave a barely perceptible nod, and before long, they were secluded in a taxi heading back toward Ryo’s apartment; Kazuya could sense Ryo looking over at him every so often, and he wondered how obvious he was being.
He even saw the older man open his mouth to ask, but he seemed to have changed his mind after one look at the taxi driver; Kazuya was grateful for that. He didn’t want anyone else but Ryo there when he finally talked about what had been bothering him.
Kazuya, however, did slip his hand into his pocket and pulled out something square and white - it looked like a postcard almost, except it was hand drawn, and definitely wasn’t from out of town. A curious expression crossed Ryo’s face, and Kazuya managed a small smile when he blinked in surprise at Koki’s name as the artist in the corner.
“He makes one for me every year,” Kazuya explained, as he tilted his head, appearing to look through the windshield of the taxi; he could still see Ryo out of the corner of his eye though, and he knew that Ryo could see that.
He knew what was on the card, and he watched as Ryo flipped the card to its backside, where there were many different sets of handwriting. However, in the middle, in neat handwriting…
Ryo’s eyes hardened, and Kazuya was glad he had the sense to wait for the taxi to pull up to his apartment before he said anything. Once they were in the elevator going up to Ryo’s apartment, Ryo looked over at him sharply, “Today’s the anniversary of your family’s death.” He said in a hard tone; Kazuya turned his head slowly to look at him, but didn’t deny it.
“The party -”
“A way to keep me busy and keep me from thinking too much about it, and so they can also have an excuse to keep me near them, to make sure I’m okay.” Kazuya said with a roll of his shoulders, “They seem to think I’m a danger to myself on this day.”
He laughed, but Ryo didn’t; he stared piercingly at Kazuya, “Are you?” he asked.
“No.” Kazuya said simply.
Ryo was still staring at him and Kazuya leaned against the elevator wall with an uncharacteristically dark look on his face. He didn’t say anything for the longest time, but when he did, his voice was so dull, purposely devoid of emotion, that the wary look Ryo sent him was more than expected
“I…I’ve always took their deaths hard,” Kazuya said with an attempt at a callous shrug, but he didn’t quite manage it, “Because…I guess I never had time to grieve…after,” he paused, “They died in a house fire…and I somehow lived.”
Not somehow; Kazuya knew how he had lived. He could remember the sensation of heat all around him, and the overwhelming stench of smoke; he remembered the difficulty he had breathing, and he remembered trying to get to his door, only to find that he couldn’t get it open. The report that came afterwards when he was in the hospital would later inform him that the fire had damaged it.
He had screamed in panic, as the flames had grown bigger, like mutated towers in a nightmare, and were trapping him from even going to the window to try to get out; Kazuya remembered hearing frightening struggles to not breathe in the air from outside his room, and he heard the sounds of someone trying to break the door down in response to his frightened screams. It continued for the longest time, and Kazuya had found it harder and harder to stay conscious; he had been sure he was going to die when blackness finally took over his mind.
He was told three days later, when he had regained consciousness in a hospital bed, that the rest of his family had perished in the fire. They told him that judging from the injuries and the scene, his father had actually broken the door down eventually and had managed to get Kazuya out before going back inside for his younger brother; they hadn’t made it. His father had collapsed attempting to get into his younger brother’s room, and Kazuya had nearly burst into tears when they told him that his brother had passed away from smoke inhalation long before they had even noticed the fire. His mother, who had gotten out, had died on the way to the hospital. Kazuya had lost everything within the time frame of a few hours.
Ryo had a grim expression on his face and Kazuya realized with a start that he had been so lost in his thoughts and memories that he had been speaking aloud, telling Ryo something he had told few other people before.
He hadn’t even been aware they had gotten off the elevator and they were in Ryo’s apartment until he felt the older man grip his shoulders tightly, as Kazuya spoke.
As Kazuya spoke about the worst day of his life, as Kazuya spoke about the guilt of being the only one to live, as Kazuya spoke of what had happened, what he could have done…
As Kazuya spoke, Ryo’s grip on his shoulders was tightening, until it was blatantly painful and Kazuya looked at Ryo, but barely acknowledged the pain.
“You were still a kid,” Ryo said in a low voice, “What could you have done? Other than die in the fire with them if you’d been able to help?” he asked bitingly.
“I…” Kazuya trailed off, startled by Ryo’s tone, “I could have…”
“Could have what?” Ryo all but snarled and Kazuya was taken back, a bit shocked at the ferocity in his voice, “Could have made your parents heartbroken that not one, but both of their sons, had died? Could have died in place of your parents and left one of them to live through the guilt?” Ryo had a dark look on his face, “Don’t you know that parents aren’t supposed to outlive their children?” he asked almost sarcastically.
Kazuya stared, “You don’t sound like you believe that…” he decided to comment on it, wanting to ignore the other things Ryo had said. They might have come true, if the situation had ended up like that, but…
But there was no way to know, was there? Kazuya had spent all these years, feeling the guilt of surviving - too many years to believe that so easily.
Ryo scoffed, “Loss is painful either way, whether you’re the parent or the child.” He said with a laugh that made it sound like he knew too well what he was talking about, “But all those ‘could have’ of yours? If you’d been able to help, maybe you could have saved them all.” He said harshly.
Kazuya flinched.
“But maybe, you could have died with them; you could have been a victim instead of a survivor; you could have had your family fall apart anyways from the trauma of it all. I don’t know about the could haves, but I do know that you wouldn’t have been taken in by your fiancée’s family; you would have never undergone the goddamn mental abuse that you try your hardest to pretend isn’t abuse in its own way; you would have never met your friends; you would have never gone into modelling, only to give it up to work at the company; you would have never been in the situation that made us connect.”
Kazuya stared at Ryo, who had said all this so vehemently, but also so matter-of-factly, with just a bit of a snarl in his voice, who he couldn’t help but watch, enraptured.
“You wouldn’t be here right now, telling me that you feel regret and guilt about surviving a damn tragedy,” Ryo continued, “And I wouldn’t be here right now, about to knock some fucking sense into your head and show you what your friends have obviously been trying to for years. Nobody blames you for surviving; in fact, we’re all grateful that you did survive, and I’m pretty damn sure that your family would be appalled to know that this is the way you think - that your life should be mourned instead of celebrated. It should be celebrated, not just by everyone else, but by you.”
Kazuya gave a start at that.
“I can’t say I know what it’s like to be in your situation, and I know that words can’t make you feel differently about this, but I’m grateful you survived, okay?” Ryo snapped, “And I don’t care what I have to do to drill it into your stubborn head; nobody regrets that you survived.” He paused, “And those that might, will have to answer to me.” His lips curled into a vindictive smirk.
Kazuya let out a weak laugh that sounded a bit like a sob. Trust Ryo to issue out threats in a moment like this.
“You honestly won against death that time,” Ryo said as he brought Kazuya’s fingers to his lips, “Don’t admit defeat now that you’ve won. Keep winning.” He paused, “Or I’ll kick your ass for losing so easily.”
Kazuya couldn’t help the watery smile, “You’re so bad at this comforting thing. You’re the only one who’s yelled at me about it.”
“But it worked, didn’t it?” Ryo countered, a smile appearing on his lips at seeing Kazuya’s.
“Maybe,” Kazuya acquiesced.
Just maybe; Ryo’s words and actions had always had more of an impact on him than anything else. Ryo was Kazuya’s weakness, and had been since they had met; all the comfort, sympathy, and pity that he had gotten over the years on this day had done nothing to help Kazuya’s guilt; it was all a reminder that he had, by some mistake, been able to live when they hadn’t.
It would take time, but Kazuya desperately wanted to believe in Ryo’s words - that maybe, just maybe, he couldn’t have done anything.
“One of these days, you’re going to wake up and realize that the people who truly love you would be happy just having you alive and well.” Ryo spoke, and Kazuya wondered at the knowing tone in his voice, but he didn’t dare ask - not right now, “One of these days, you’re going to realize that people who aren’t happy just by the fact that you’re alive don’t love you at all.”
Kazuya had a feeling he was referring to something more than Kazuya’s family, but he didn’t dare cross into that topic right now.
“What about you?” he tried to ask teasingly, but he didn’t quite manage it.
“Let me put it this way. If you ever doubt your right to be alive again, come to me, and I’ll kick your ass.”
When Kazuya laughed a little, despite himself, Ryo leaned in closer, their lips mere inches apart, and he said in a dark tone that made Kazuya shiver a little against him, “I’m serious; I won’t hesitate to hurt you to Hell and back to make sure you stay alive and safe.”
It didn’t seem right to say anything to a promise like that, so Kazuya merely dug his fingers into Ryo’s arm as he pulled the older man close, grasping for comfort to finish what was left of the job that Ryo’s words hadn’t been able to do.
* * *
NEXT PART ------------>
,
Pairing: RyoKame (Nishikido Ryo x Kamenashi Kazuya)
Rating: PG-15
Summary: Their biggest strength was that they could hurt each other like no one else could, but they could also love each other like no one else could
--
Chapter 1 |
Chapter 2 : part 1 | part 2 |
--
March 29, 2010
Laughter rang out in the mostly silent apartment as Kazuya sat cross-legged on the pullout couch in the main area, against Nishikido’s front, and Nishikido’s hands covered his, moving his fingers to the right places on the guitar that had been taken out.
“And then,” Nishikido said, even as he leaned in closer so that he could adjust Kazuya’s fingers properly, “Right there.” He casually reached over and strummed his fingers briefly along the strings of the guitar, emitting a pleasant chord. Kazuya looked down at where Nishikido’s arms were pressing against his, almost holding him in an embrace.
It was so foreign, being so close to someone like this, in such an intimate way, in more than just proximity - more than when Koki often tackled him to the ground, this felt much more intense, and while Kazuya should be used to it by now, he still wasn’t.
Nishikido had laughed at him the first time he had spontaneously wrapped Kazuya in his arms one day while they were in the apartment, the first week they had been dating; the sudden, unexpected, contact had made him jump and Kazuya had been unprepared for the emotions that shot through him when Nishikido responded to Kazuya’s “what are you doing?” with a low laugh of “What I feel like doing.” It was so unpremeditated, so…so sudden, that Kazuya was caught by surprise at the sheer boldness of it.
Whenever he was with Natsuki, he had held her hand, had kissed her, had done everything a boyfriend - and fiancé - should, but everything he did had been from hints she had given, and what he knew he was supposed to do to keep her happy. This…sudden embrace that Nishikido had trapped him in, for no reason at all, had bewildered Kazuya.
Nishikido in general bewildered Kazuya, to be honest. The man contradicted himself so much; at times, he could be so overwhelming, bold, forward, and almost frighteningly intense, and then the next minute, he would hold onto Kazuya with a misleading softness that was the complete opposite from what he had been like only seconds before.
Misleading, because Kazuya could always still see that there was something that haunted Nishikido deep down; when they were together, sometimes, it went away, but if Kazuya looked hard enough, he could still sense it. He could see it too, when they spent the night together, and Kazuya woke up in the middle of the night; often, Nishikido would be up as well, and probably had been for a while, and Kazuya would be lost as to what to do, because the pitch black room would seem to be made even darker somehow by the look in Nishikido’s eyes; then, the look would disappear, replaced with a small smirk at seeing Kazuya, and although Nishikido pulled Kazuya to him, the younger man couldn’t so easily forget that thing that tugged at his heart.
But Kazuya understood that there were things you just couldn’t tell someone. He understood where Nishikido was coming from, which was why he would slowly tell Nishikido more about himself, during those late hours when they were awake, and sometimes, to his happiness and triumph, he got something out of Nishikido as well.
Which was how Kazuya found out that Nishikido was actually skilled in playing guitar, and had urged him to teach him a little.
“I didn’t recognize that,” Kazuya admitted a bit sheepishly as he felt Nishikido pull both their hands away from the guitar, meaning the lesson was over.
Nishikido eyed him for a moment, before he laid the guitar aside, and was running his hands up Kazuya’s uncovered body from behind; as he did, he murmured to Kazuya, “I’d be worried if you did; it’s something I’ve been trying to work on in my free time.”
Kazuya’s eyebrows shot up, “You wrote it?” he asked.
“Well, I do it when I have free time,” Nishikido replied, “It’s a nice way to relax.”
Kazuya couldn’t help but look at his fingers, that had been guided by Nishikido into playing that song, with a bit more sense of awe, “So, what are you doing working for a normal company when you obviously have the talent to try for something a bit more glamorous?”
Nishikido shrugged, as he ran a finger along Kazuya’s torso, accepting that Kazuya simply wanted to know about him, and that the younger man’s methods involved asking questions; he never got annoyed though. Kazuya was good in that he knew when to back off of a topic.
“Circumstances have convinced me that it’s better off as a hobby,” Nishikido said a bit huskily as he leaned in, tilting his head to close the distance between them.
Kazuya’s eyebrows furrowed at that, but he didn’t ask any more. It frustrated him at times, to have his questions avoided, but he knew more than anyone that some things were better left in the past, as memories.
“Okay,” Kazuya said, before tugging a little on a chain around Nishikido’s neck, pulling him roughly down toward himself.
Nishikido had a pleased smirk on his face as he brushed his lips against Kazuya’s, barely touching, but somehow managing to flick his tongue across Kazuya’s bottom lip as well, “I’m glad you understand,” he said lowly.
That was perhaps one of the things that Kazuya knew that Nishikido liked about him, one of the things that led to Nishikido boldly admitting his feelings to an engaged man - that Kazuya, more than anyone in the world, could understand the darkness that Nishikido hid behind upturned lips and laughs. Kazuya understood that there were some things that one just didn’t talk about.
But Kazuya could also see what others couldn’t - the hidden promise enclosed in the older man’s gaze when he looked at Kazuya.
A promise that silently swore ‘I’ll tell you one day’.
But right now, that didn’t matter; the secrets that each of them held didn’t matter. What mattered was that Kazuya was completely enraptured by Nishikido, and Nishikido was completely drawn in by Kazuya; what mattered was that they had a chance at this relationship together now, and it seemed like the world was in their hands, and they were at the very top together.
That, Kazuya decided before his thoughts were cut off when Nishikido elicited a moan from him, was all that mattered right now.
* * *
April 6, 2010
Kazuya liked to spend any free time he had with Nishikido, and most of the time, that meant the two of them holing themselves up in Nishikido’s apartment. To Kazuya, being with Nishikido was one of the few instances when he could truly relax and be himself; Nishikido didn’t ask anything of him, and he also didn’t know about his much too complicated relationship with the people who had brought him up, which was the one sore point with Kazuya’s friends over the years.
Kazuya ran his fingers along the side of Nishikido’s face as the older man slept, a much needed nap after an exhausting day at work; Kazuya was equally as tired, and probably would have slept too, but sometimes, he liked doing this, just watching Nishikido as he slept. It helped him think more calmly about things he normally wanted to avoid.
Kazuya would have hated to admit it, but Nishikido had truly yanked the world out from under his feet, leaving him tumbling through nothingness until he had crashed into Nishikido’s waiting arms - probably the older man’s plan all along.
But it wasn’t as though Kazuya minded; with Nishikido, Kazuya found that he didn’t have to hide a part of himself, or lie. He had done that so many times over the years. He was constantly hiding the part of him that would make Natsuki’s parents angry at him, and he sometimes lied to Koki, telling him that everything was okay when it clearly wasn’t. With Nishikido, it was like he was a blank slate that could start over, without anything tainting that; it also helped that Nishikido was so clearly unafraid of anything Natsuki’s parents could do to him if they found out about this relationship.
Kazuya often wondered about that; Nishikido was so…stubborn, almost, when he told Kazuya that his fiancée’s family couldn’t do anything to hurt him. It confused him, because while Natsuki’s family wasn’t exactly the most influential in Japan, they had enough influence and power to invoke more than a slight hint of trepidation in anybody who crossed them.
Kazuya liked that with Nishikido, he didn’t have to think about the future; Nishikido didn’t press him to. He seemed somehow convinced that there was nothing that Natsuki or her parents could do to them, if they found out. Kazuya marvelled at the confidence that Nishikido had about that; he liked not being the one to worry about the future. Back in previous relationships, Kazuya always feared, just a little bit, the day he would have to tell Natsuki’s parents, his guardians essentially, when he was still underage, about any relationships he had, or being found out. His life had always held some sort of secrecy and worrying to it; Kazuya liked his relationship with Nishikido because there was a refreshing lack of that.
It had only been about a month since he had started to date Nishikido, and about three months since he had met Nishikido, but they had moved quickly, and Kazuya often wondered whether they had moved too fast; he had gotten attached quickly, almost frighteningly so. It wasn’t safe for him to be in this relationship, but he was so into Nishikido that he found that he didn’t need much, if any, convincing to dismiss those worries. Kazuya had fallen too fast; normally, when Kazuya liked someone, it was something that happened over time for him to realize, but with Nishikido, it hadn’t been that way, and Kazuya often wondered if maybe, he was mistaking his feelings for something else, but…at the same time, he also knew that it was just fear of the future that was speaking when he thought that. He knew for sure that none of these feelings were mistakes. But unlike his lover, Kazuya didn’t have the same conviction about the future; his plans for the future had been ruined one too many times for him to trust so blindly in it.
“How can you be sure of the future?” he said softly, even as he brushed the fingertips of two of his fingers along Nishikido’s jaw, before they naturally went up to place themselves on Nishikido’s lips.
That part of Nishikido amazed him, and Kazuya knew that it was a side that people rarely saw of Nishikido; Kazuya himself had been caught off guard by Nishikido’s strong belief in what lay ahead for them.
Kazuya suddenly let out a yelp when a set of teeth bit his two fingers softly, but hard enough that it elicited a jolt of pain. Nishikido’s eyes were looking sleepily up at him, and Kazuya looked balefully at him as he drew his hand away.
“You bit me,” he stated, copying Nishikido’s almost copyright sardonic tone.
Nishikido merely smirked as he grabbed a hold of Kazuya’s fingers, and rubbed them between two of his own, “Well, you think too much,” he stated with a wry grin as he pulled Kazuya down onto the bed so that they were both on the same pillow and facing each other, “Someone has to knock some sense into you. And I think you’d rather I bite you than hit you.”
Kazuya stared.
“Stop thinking so much about what you can’t control,” Nishikido continued, “I’ve told you before; nothing they can do can threaten or hurt me. It’s safe to be with me.”
Kazuya also marvelled at how well Nishikido could read him, after only knowing him for a few months.
“Why are you so sure though?” Kazuya couldn’t help but ask; he was insecure, but it was reasonable, wasn’t it? His life had been controlled and twisted so much by his guardians…
“Because I know that anything they do to try to hurt me will rebound on them, I guarantee it.” Nishikido said, an almost ferocious look shining in his eyes, “They’ll regret anything they do to me, and to you.”
Kazuya just stared; this was a side of Nishikido that the older man always tried to hide, as though he thought it would scare Kazuya away if he showed too much of it. Kazuya hadn’t quite worked up to telling Nishikido that he found it hot, seeing Nishikido with such a sinister look on his face. He often wondered what it was that Nishikido had up his sleeve that would enable that look, but...
“Will you ever tell me why one day?”
Nishikido smirked, “You can try to find out,” he dared.
Kazuya returned the smirk, “Watch it,” he warned, “I might just try.”
“No, you won’t,” Nishikido countered, “You appreciate privacy too much; you understand me too well, because you’re exactly the same way.”
Kazuya started at that, but didn’t disagree; he did understand what it felt like to have something that he didn’t tell anyone so easily.
“Will you tell me one day?” he asked again instead, “I’ll tell you about me,” he said enticingly, purposely trying to lighten up the tone of the conversation.
Nishikido smirked, “Maybe if you work up to it,” he said, lips turning into a true grin, “You’ll have to work for it. And let me tell you, I’m not easy to break.”
Kazuya returned the grin, “Well, I do like a challenge,” he murmured, knowing he was repeating Nishikido’s words from a few months earlier back to him.
Nishikido’s eyebrows shot up, “So do I,” he said sardonically, “And you know what I see my challenge as right now?”
He had such a smug grin on his face that Kazuya looked at him warily. Thus, he barely made a noise when Nishikido pulled him closer to him with his elbow; he was pressed against Nishikido, nothing but their boxers between their bodies and only a sheet covering them, “I’m going to make you say my name,” he hissed into Kazuya’s ear.
Kazuya shivered, but still managed to say, croak out really, “Nishikido?”
A self-satisfied smirk, “Not quite. The other one,” he said in a breathy hiss that made Kazuya close his eyes as the breath resonated in his ears, “Nobody here but you and me, and trust me, you’ll say it.”
Kazuya didn’t quite want to tell his lover that he was quite content to say it if he asked - this was more…
And for the next while, the future was firmly put out of Kazuya’s mind, as he lost to Nishikido repeatedly, breathing out, “Ryo,” between kisses that left him just as breathless as saying again and again, “Ryo.”
* * *
June 1, 2010
The weeks, and months, passed quickly in some ways and slowly in other ways. Their relationship was growing stronger with each day that passed, and Kazuya could swear that he felt more connected with Ryo in the short months that they had had together than all those years with Natsuki; work passed the same as ever, but luckily for Kazuya, nobody really questioned the two of them spending time together.
So far, it seemed that Koki and the others hadn’t figured it out, and as far as Kazuya was concerned, that was as good as saying that they wouldn’t be found out any time soon. If Koki and the rest of his friends, who had been friends with and watching over Kazuya for years and years, hadn’t figured it out yet, then nobody else would.
As summer weather approached, unease filled Kazuya once June crept into their lives. Like a panther stalking its prey, it crept up on Kazuya and was upon him before he even realized it, leaving Kazuya as a mess of dread and uncertainty. And he wasn’t quite willing to talk about it, no matter how bad it got.
Ryo knew though, and Kazuya knew that Ryo knew.
He didn’t press Kazuya about it though, except for a brief questioning look and a raising of his eyebrows, which he slowly covered up when Kazuya shook his head almost stubbornly.
Kazuya could feel Ryo pressing the side of his jaw against Kazuya’s neck, in an almost caressing manner, which was contradicted by the intense look that Kazuya could see in those eyes; he could feel Ryo’s eyes still on him as he tilted his head back in response to that.
Kazuya had closed his eyes, just letting the feeling of Ryo’s hands on his body wash over him; he knew very well that it was obvious that something was wrong to Ryo, and he wondered how long it would be until the older man gave up all sense of patience and tried to drag it out of Kazuya.
Kazuya let out a noise muffled by lips on his, as he opened his eyes and saw Ryo gazing intently down at him; his hands were gripping Kazuya’s shoulder in a near vice-like way, and Kazuya stopped short, staring at Ryo with trepidation in his eyes.
“Do you know,” Ryo started, as he murmured against Kazuya’s lips, “Why I’ve been told under threat of public embarrassment to go to Tanaka’s place tomorrow for some kind of party?”
Kazuya stiffened just a little, and he let his eyes flutter shut, “Koki invited you?”
“Taguchi did,” Ryo replied, drawing a finger down Kazuya’s arm, “Did you not want me there?” he asked in a dark tone.
“No - no…” Kazuya said quietly, “I just…didn’t expect that.” He confessed, tugging on the chain around Ryo’s neck to pull him closer, “I mean…”
Ryo made a humming noise, as he stared at Kazuya, “Are you sure?” he asked piercingly.
Kazuya didn’t answer, but he lifted his head to smother their lips together; Ryo groaned into the kiss, as his hands wandered down, down, down, to Kazuya’s inner thigh, even as Kazuya was attempting to work the unbuttoned shirt off of Ryo’s body.
“Just one question,” Ryo said in a husky whisper, “Does this have anything to do with why you’re so upset lately?”
Kazuya froze.
“I see,” Ryo murmured even as he slipped a hand underneath the silky cloth of Kazuya’s boxers, “I’ll go then.”
* * *
June 2, 2010
“Your friends aren’t as oblivious as you might want to think.”
Kazuya blinked at Ryo, and then slowly looked over at where he knew Koki to be loitering around; his friend was staring as the two of them spoke, and then when he saw that Kazuya saw him, he grinned, waved and went back to shouting in outrage as Junno beat him in whatever video game they were playing on the TV right now.
“What makes you say that?”
Ryo paused for a moment, and then pulled out a piece of paper out of his back pocket. Kazuya stared at it sort of incredulously, “Wha -”
“That’s how many times I’ve been told ‘it’s about time he got someone other than that selfish woman’, or ‘you’d better treat him better than that stupid bitch or -’ or ‘Does this mean the marriage is off?’ or some variation of those.” Ryo said in a deadpan manner.
Kazuya blanched, looked over at Koki again, and saw both him and Junno waving at him overly enthusiastically. Kazuya sighed, “Sorry?” he offered, “For all the questions you’re getting I mean.”
Ryo grinned, “Don’t be. I had fun answering, but not really answering them; gave me a lot of confused faces to laugh at.”
Kazuya laughed at that, despite himself, “Did Junno -” he paused, “Did Junno ever tell you what this party is for?” he licked his lips nervously.
Ryo had a smirk crossing his face, and he leaned in just a little, “I told you, you really have to stop that nervous habit; it makes me think you want to be kissed.”
Kazuya merely grinned at him, “I’m not complaining, but later.” He said. He waited for a moment, before deciding to ask again, “So…”
“No,” Ryo replied, “But he said that you should be the one to tell me.”
Kazuya smiled faintly; he wasn’t sure what to think of that. It wasn’t that he didn’t want Ryo to know, but…it would just be much easier if he didn’t have to actually talk about it. He ran his fingers lightly across Ryo’s hand; his body blocked anyone else from seeing it. After all, it was one thing to suspect that he was dating Ryo, it was something else for it to be confirmed, and Kazuya, more than anything, wanted to avoid a confrontation. He never won those with his guardians, not a single one, and he didn’t want to lose Ryo to that all too familiar battle.
“Can we…” Kazuya trailed off, “I don’t know…go?”
Ryo furrowed his eyebrows, and frowned a little, “If you want…” he said in a surprisingly agreeable voice. He looked around.
“Don’t worry about the party; Koki was going to send everyone home soon anyways.” Kazuya said in as light of a tone as he could manage. He obviously didn’t manage too well, because Ryo shot him a sharp look.
But true enough to his words, the party had already started to wind down; people who were crashing here for the night were lounging around, some of them looking as though they were half asleep. He could see Ryo looking around, and from the look of confusion on his face, he hadn’t noticed it before. Kazuya could guess why he hadn’t noticed; he was probably preoccupied with all the people talking to him about Kazuya, wondering what was going on, especially since Kazuya knew it was no secret that he was the center of all his friends’ attention tonight. Ryo had probably been too busy trying to figure out what was going on to see the party winding down around him.
“So, you want to say your goodbyes and all that?” Ryo suggested, as if he knew about the dark shadows gripping onto Kazuya’s heart. And maybe, he already knew about Kazuya’s more than desperate attempts to stay in the present, and for tonight, not think about the past or the future. Kazuya knew those attempts would fail soon though.
Kazuya gave a barely perceptible nod, and before long, they were secluded in a taxi heading back toward Ryo’s apartment; Kazuya could sense Ryo looking over at him every so often, and he wondered how obvious he was being.
He even saw the older man open his mouth to ask, but he seemed to have changed his mind after one look at the taxi driver; Kazuya was grateful for that. He didn’t want anyone else but Ryo there when he finally talked about what had been bothering him.
Kazuya, however, did slip his hand into his pocket and pulled out something square and white - it looked like a postcard almost, except it was hand drawn, and definitely wasn’t from out of town. A curious expression crossed Ryo’s face, and Kazuya managed a small smile when he blinked in surprise at Koki’s name as the artist in the corner.
“He makes one for me every year,” Kazuya explained, as he tilted his head, appearing to look through the windshield of the taxi; he could still see Ryo out of the corner of his eye though, and he knew that Ryo could see that.
He knew what was on the card, and he watched as Ryo flipped the card to its backside, where there were many different sets of handwriting. However, in the middle, in neat handwriting…
Ryo’s eyes hardened, and Kazuya was glad he had the sense to wait for the taxi to pull up to his apartment before he said anything. Once they were in the elevator going up to Ryo’s apartment, Ryo looked over at him sharply, “Today’s the anniversary of your family’s death.” He said in a hard tone; Kazuya turned his head slowly to look at him, but didn’t deny it.
“The party -”
“A way to keep me busy and keep me from thinking too much about it, and so they can also have an excuse to keep me near them, to make sure I’m okay.” Kazuya said with a roll of his shoulders, “They seem to think I’m a danger to myself on this day.”
He laughed, but Ryo didn’t; he stared piercingly at Kazuya, “Are you?” he asked.
“No.” Kazuya said simply.
Ryo was still staring at him and Kazuya leaned against the elevator wall with an uncharacteristically dark look on his face. He didn’t say anything for the longest time, but when he did, his voice was so dull, purposely devoid of emotion, that the wary look Ryo sent him was more than expected
“I…I’ve always took their deaths hard,” Kazuya said with an attempt at a callous shrug, but he didn’t quite manage it, “Because…I guess I never had time to grieve…after,” he paused, “They died in a house fire…and I somehow lived.”
Not somehow; Kazuya knew how he had lived. He could remember the sensation of heat all around him, and the overwhelming stench of smoke; he remembered the difficulty he had breathing, and he remembered trying to get to his door, only to find that he couldn’t get it open. The report that came afterwards when he was in the hospital would later inform him that the fire had damaged it.
He had screamed in panic, as the flames had grown bigger, like mutated towers in a nightmare, and were trapping him from even going to the window to try to get out; Kazuya remembered hearing frightening struggles to not breathe in the air from outside his room, and he heard the sounds of someone trying to break the door down in response to his frightened screams. It continued for the longest time, and Kazuya had found it harder and harder to stay conscious; he had been sure he was going to die when blackness finally took over his mind.
He was told three days later, when he had regained consciousness in a hospital bed, that the rest of his family had perished in the fire. They told him that judging from the injuries and the scene, his father had actually broken the door down eventually and had managed to get Kazuya out before going back inside for his younger brother; they hadn’t made it. His father had collapsed attempting to get into his younger brother’s room, and Kazuya had nearly burst into tears when they told him that his brother had passed away from smoke inhalation long before they had even noticed the fire. His mother, who had gotten out, had died on the way to the hospital. Kazuya had lost everything within the time frame of a few hours.
Ryo had a grim expression on his face and Kazuya realized with a start that he had been so lost in his thoughts and memories that he had been speaking aloud, telling Ryo something he had told few other people before.
He hadn’t even been aware they had gotten off the elevator and they were in Ryo’s apartment until he felt the older man grip his shoulders tightly, as Kazuya spoke.
As Kazuya spoke about the worst day of his life, as Kazuya spoke about the guilt of being the only one to live, as Kazuya spoke of what had happened, what he could have done…
As Kazuya spoke, Ryo’s grip on his shoulders was tightening, until it was blatantly painful and Kazuya looked at Ryo, but barely acknowledged the pain.
“You were still a kid,” Ryo said in a low voice, “What could you have done? Other than die in the fire with them if you’d been able to help?” he asked bitingly.
“I…” Kazuya trailed off, startled by Ryo’s tone, “I could have…”
“Could have what?” Ryo all but snarled and Kazuya was taken back, a bit shocked at the ferocity in his voice, “Could have made your parents heartbroken that not one, but both of their sons, had died? Could have died in place of your parents and left one of them to live through the guilt?” Ryo had a dark look on his face, “Don’t you know that parents aren’t supposed to outlive their children?” he asked almost sarcastically.
Kazuya stared, “You don’t sound like you believe that…” he decided to comment on it, wanting to ignore the other things Ryo had said. They might have come true, if the situation had ended up like that, but…
But there was no way to know, was there? Kazuya had spent all these years, feeling the guilt of surviving - too many years to believe that so easily.
Ryo scoffed, “Loss is painful either way, whether you’re the parent or the child.” He said with a laugh that made it sound like he knew too well what he was talking about, “But all those ‘could have’ of yours? If you’d been able to help, maybe you could have saved them all.” He said harshly.
Kazuya flinched.
“But maybe, you could have died with them; you could have been a victim instead of a survivor; you could have had your family fall apart anyways from the trauma of it all. I don’t know about the could haves, but I do know that you wouldn’t have been taken in by your fiancée’s family; you would have never undergone the goddamn mental abuse that you try your hardest to pretend isn’t abuse in its own way; you would have never met your friends; you would have never gone into modelling, only to give it up to work at the company; you would have never been in the situation that made us connect.”
Kazuya stared at Ryo, who had said all this so vehemently, but also so matter-of-factly, with just a bit of a snarl in his voice, who he couldn’t help but watch, enraptured.
“You wouldn’t be here right now, telling me that you feel regret and guilt about surviving a damn tragedy,” Ryo continued, “And I wouldn’t be here right now, about to knock some fucking sense into your head and show you what your friends have obviously been trying to for years. Nobody blames you for surviving; in fact, we’re all grateful that you did survive, and I’m pretty damn sure that your family would be appalled to know that this is the way you think - that your life should be mourned instead of celebrated. It should be celebrated, not just by everyone else, but by you.”
Kazuya gave a start at that.
“I can’t say I know what it’s like to be in your situation, and I know that words can’t make you feel differently about this, but I’m grateful you survived, okay?” Ryo snapped, “And I don’t care what I have to do to drill it into your stubborn head; nobody regrets that you survived.” He paused, “And those that might, will have to answer to me.” His lips curled into a vindictive smirk.
Kazuya let out a weak laugh that sounded a bit like a sob. Trust Ryo to issue out threats in a moment like this.
“You honestly won against death that time,” Ryo said as he brought Kazuya’s fingers to his lips, “Don’t admit defeat now that you’ve won. Keep winning.” He paused, “Or I’ll kick your ass for losing so easily.”
Kazuya couldn’t help the watery smile, “You’re so bad at this comforting thing. You’re the only one who’s yelled at me about it.”
“But it worked, didn’t it?” Ryo countered, a smile appearing on his lips at seeing Kazuya’s.
“Maybe,” Kazuya acquiesced.
Just maybe; Ryo’s words and actions had always had more of an impact on him than anything else. Ryo was Kazuya’s weakness, and had been since they had met; all the comfort, sympathy, and pity that he had gotten over the years on this day had done nothing to help Kazuya’s guilt; it was all a reminder that he had, by some mistake, been able to live when they hadn’t.
It would take time, but Kazuya desperately wanted to believe in Ryo’s words - that maybe, just maybe, he couldn’t have done anything.
“One of these days, you’re going to wake up and realize that the people who truly love you would be happy just having you alive and well.” Ryo spoke, and Kazuya wondered at the knowing tone in his voice, but he didn’t dare ask - not right now, “One of these days, you’re going to realize that people who aren’t happy just by the fact that you’re alive don’t love you at all.”
Kazuya had a feeling he was referring to something more than Kazuya’s family, but he didn’t dare cross into that topic right now.
“What about you?” he tried to ask teasingly, but he didn’t quite manage it.
“Let me put it this way. If you ever doubt your right to be alive again, come to me, and I’ll kick your ass.”
When Kazuya laughed a little, despite himself, Ryo leaned in closer, their lips mere inches apart, and he said in a dark tone that made Kazuya shiver a little against him, “I’m serious; I won’t hesitate to hurt you to Hell and back to make sure you stay alive and safe.”
It didn’t seem right to say anything to a promise like that, so Kazuya merely dug his fingers into Ryo’s arm as he pulled the older man close, grasping for comfort to finish what was left of the job that Ryo’s words hadn’t been able to do.
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NEXT PART ------------>
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