[fic] From Broken Wings {2/2} - part 2
[fic] From Broken Wings {2/2} - part 2
pairing: akame, ryouchi (implied XD)
rating: pg-13
Summary: sequel to Concrete Angel. They always knew they were special to each other, that no matter what drove them apart, they'd always have each other in some way or another, but is there more connecting them than just lifelong friendship? What is the meaning behind these haunting dreams that tore them apart in the first place?
part 1-1 | part 1-2 | part 1-3 | part 1-4 | part 1-5 | part 1-6 |
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part 2-1 |
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The weekend passed in silence; although neither said or did anything that gave it away, it was obvious to the others around them that there was something bothering both of them. They didn’t outwardly act like anything was different, but there were the small signs; one such sign was the way Kazuya would look tentatively at Jin, only to have a stubborn look cross the older boy’s face for a brief second before it was gone and Kazuya had looked away, or looked down. Jin continued to stay around Kazuya though; it gave people some relief that at least, whatever the problem or issue was, it wasn’t that bad that Jin would abandon his determination to make sure Kazuya stayed safe.
Jin cast a glance through the open door of his room, across the hall to where Kazuya was sitting at the table in the room, catching up on the schoolwork Yamapi had brought for him. His best friend was sitting with Kazuya, explaining the concepts he had missed to him, seeing as Yamapi claimed that he couldn’t trust Jin to do it, even if he was a third year, because he was always sleeping in class.
Ryo had snickered at that, and poked Uchi in the ribs, “See, this is why I tell you to go to Pi instead of me for help with schoolwork,” he paused, “Or Toma. Toma needs to keep up his grades to remain captain.”
Uchi rolled his eyes, “You’re just too lazy to try to remember what you learned in first year.”
Jin grinned, but shot another surreptitious look at the two second years, or more precisely, Kazuya. He didn’t quite know how to approach the younger boy lately; every time he did, he would remember what Kazuya had tried to say to him, and he could only blatantly deny it. It wasn’t true; it couldn’t be true, and the moment he thought that, and thought that Kazuya was jumping to impossible conclusions, the atmosphere grew awkward as he kept denying the possibility that maybe Kazuya was right.
But he couldn’t be; such a thing was impossible!
“You know Jin,” Ryo drawled, “If you upset your precious notebook boy, you should probably just go and grovel. Maybe he’ll forgive you.”
“What?!” Jin yelped, before narrowing his eyes, “Nothing’s wrong; I didn’t upset him.”
But he knew that that wasn’t true - Kazuya was upset each time he realized Jin still didn’t believe him. But how was Jin supposed to believe such an impossible thing?!
“Right…and that’s why you’re here instead of hovering over him like you were last time we came to visit.”
“I was worried! He was more injured back then!” Jin snapped.
Ryo merely raised an eyebrow in response, “Sure, that’s exactly why.”
Uchi stifled a grin, shaking his head at the two arguing friends. No matter how much Jin tried to deny it, it was obvious to anyone who ever saw the two together.
Soon enough, it was time for Ryo and Uchi to leave; Pi had already left an hour ago, claiming he was meeting Toma somewhere. As Kazuya joined him in walking Ryo and Uchi to the door, Jin felt a sinking feeling inside, when he realized that as long as other people were around, he could act fine with Kazuya, but the moment they were together alone, he would have to get as far away from Kazuya as he could, because…because the more time he spent with the younger boy, and the more he saw the conviction in which Kazuya believed that impossible story, the more he might be convinced, and Jin didn’t want to be convinced that that story was true.
He looked awkwardly at Kazuya as his friends left, but Kazuya seemed to already know what Jin would do the moment they were alone; he sighed, shuffling his feet and with a brief look that he diverted soon after, Kazuya mumbled a, “I’ll be studying,” to Jin, before walking slowly back to his room, shoulders hunched.
Jin winced; even he didn’t miss the sad, hurt, look in Kazuya’s eyes at the fact that Jin so blatantly refused to believe what he could be saying was the truth.
If only you’d just stop and listen to him, a nasty little voice in the back of Jin’s mind said tauntingly. He promptly told the voice to shut up. If he did try to listen, it would mean allowing the chance that maybe, just maybe, Kazuya was onto something, because strangely enough, that explanation was the only attempt at explaining the nightmares that he had ever been told.
But he didn’t want to believe it.
He watched as Kazuya quietly closed the door to his room, looking down as he did; Jin’s heart was breaking every time he saw that, saw how sad Kazuya looked when he saw Jin and the denial that Jin knew he was in. He trudged back to his room and threw himself onto the bed with a groan; what was he supposed to do?
“You know,” a voice interrupted him and Jin jumped in surprise to see his brother; he hadn’t even noticed the door opening and closing, “You should just go apologize for whatever it is that you did.”
“There’s nothing to apologize for! Nothing happened, and what makes you so sure it’s me that’s at fault anyways?!” Jin growled.
Reio raised an eyebrow, “The guilty, puppy-dog looks you keep sending Kazuya when you think no one notices, maybe?”
Jin bristled, “Right, I should follow advice coming from someone who won’t even look at Kazuya these days!” he snapped, causing Reio to flinch.
Reio quickly recovered from that, and with a sigh, he rolled his eyes, “I was also his friend through the past few years when you were ignoring him. So I think I know him and how he ticks a bit more than you do.”
Jin glared, “What do you mean?”
“I mean, that if there’s something wrong between you two, if you want advice, my door is open for you,” Reio said with a similar glare, “It’s up to you whether or not you want my help.” He retorted as he turned to open the door and leave.
Jin frowned, “That’s unlike you,” he retorted, “You never want to help me.”
Reio had his hand on the doorknob as he turned around, “As much as we don’t act like it, you are my brother,” he said with a scoff, “And as much as it annoys me, my best friend seems to be very attached to you,” he said lightly, “And by that, I mean, it seriously disturbs me to think of my brother and my best friend together. It’s just something no one should ever have to think about.”
Jin opened his mouth to protest his brother’s words that he and Kazuya were together, “He and I aren’t together, and,” he stared piercingly at Reio, “Why would you be disturbed if it was true?” he asked suspiciously.
Reio rolled his eyes, “It’s not what you’re thinking, that’s for sure. It’d be like if I suddenly decided to get together with your best friend…so, if I decided to get together with Tomohisa.”
Jin blanched at the idea and then he got a disgusted look, “Eww! But…but you’re my brother and he’s Pi!” he exclaimed, looking disturbed at the thought.
Reio had his eyebrow raised and didn’t have to say anything.
“Oh…” Jin responded, thoroughly abashed, “I get it.”
“So, if you want my help…” Reio shrugged.
“I still think it’s not like you to help me,” Jin said suspiciously; it really wasn’t. Reio and Jin had always been at odds with each other; they had grown up too competitive, and wouldn’t really go out of their way to help each other unless it was life-threatening or something. Jin knew he would never be the ‘smart’ son, not with the school Reio got accepted into while Jin got average marks in his own school - but of course, that was because Jin was always sleeping in class and skipping when he could. But at the same time, Reio was horrible at sports, which Jin excelled at, and Jin had many friends while Reio had a few acquaintances from his school and Kazuya. It was much too easy to compare themselves to each other, and as thus, wouldn’t go out of their way to help each other unless it was necessary.
Reio sighed, “Fine. Maybe I just want to help you because I see what this is doing to Kazuya, because he looks really lonely these days, especially at home, and it’s obvious that whatever’s happening is really hard on him.”
Jin stared shrewdly at his brother, “So why don’t you just go talk to Kazuya? To make him feel less ‘lonely’, as you’ve said it.”
Reio’s expression froze over, and there was a long, tense silence before Reio turned around again, “Anyways, tell me if you want my help…”
Jin narrowed his eyes at Reio’s back, “Only if you tell me why you keep avoiding Kazuya. I’m not the only one hurting him you know.”
Reio’s shoulders stiffened as he stood there, before finally, he spoke, “Did you feel guilty, when you first found Kazuya in that locker room, and thought about the many ways you could have found out about this before it got to that point? To try to convince that stubborn guy to tell you?”
Jin looked confused but he figured his brother had a point to all this, so he answered, “Yeah…” it was soft, because he still felt guilty, especially whenever he had soccer practice and he looked over at the baseball field and saw Kazuya sitting on the bench, all alone while watching the practice.
“Well, I knew about it; he talked to me about it, but…I didn’t say anything when I should have; all because I promised not to - I’d break that promise over and over again if it meant not seeing my friend in that condition in the hospital,” Reio said quietly, “I’m not like you, Jin; you get over your guilt by being around him and helping him all the time. I...I just can’t face him anymore. I failed him as a friend.”
Jin was quiet, before he spoke, “…Kazuya doesn’t blame you, Reio.”
Reio merely turned and stared at Jin, “I know that; I know Kazuya would never blame me for something like that, but…it still doesn’t change the fact that I stood by and let it happen; even if he doesn’t blame me, I blame myself.”
“But -” Jin opened his mouth to protest.
“You said it yourself, didn’t you? ‘I hope you can live with yourself if something happens to him and you knew about it’ - wasn’t that what you said?” Reio asked sardonically.
“Stood by and let it happen - that’s exactly what I feel like I did,” Jin said bitterly, “But let me ask you this - even if you had pushed him a bit harder, would he have asked for help? If I had pushed him a bit harder, would he have…?”
Reio bit his lip, before he shook his head, “No…haven’t you already realized that’s what Kazuya is like? He does everything on his own - he absolutely hates relying on others. Haven’t you ever seen him with Ueda? No matter how many times Ueda tells him he wants to do something for him, like drive him somewhere, Kazuya still thinks he shouldn’t rely on Ueda too much - he’d never tell anyone if he thought he could handle it himself, and he did. The only time he’d probably tell anyone anything like that, is if he’s so troubled, feeling so lost and alone, that he needs someone to tell him they understand and needs someone to talk to.”
Jin frowned suddenly. Kazuya was really that secretive about things that bothered him, wasn’t he? But, then…
Why did you tell me all that stuff then?
He had a sinking feeling.
“So…if he tells someone, knowing that they wouldn’t take it well…”
Reio looked at him, puzzled, but answered, “Then it probably means that he can’t keep it in anymore, and that it’s slowly eating him out from the inside…”
“And he would be sure…that whatever he told was true?”
Reio let out a laugh, “Kazuya, not sure of something before he asked someone else’s help? If it was that troubling, he would have gone over it by himself for weeks on end. Why are you asking this?”
Jin, however, was lost in thought, “No reason. Thanks for your help, Reio.” He said absently.
Reio blinked in confusion.
“Now, I mean this in the nicest way possible: get out of my room,” Jin said, as he pushed Reio toward the door, “And by the way,” he added as he was about to close it, “You should think about what you just said. If you had pushed Kazuya to tell someone, what are the chances, if what you said is right, that he would have even listened?” he asked as he closed the door, “There are some things that not even you, the smart one in this family, can do you know. Don’t be so bigheaded.”
Reio stared at the door for a while, looking confused and a bit insulted, before he finally just shook his head and began to leave. As he did, he mouthed a ‘thank you’ at his brother’s door, knowing he would never say it aloud. As much as they didn’t get along, he and Jin were brothers and there were words that only they could say to each other to help the other in ways that few others could.
* * *
The little boy was sitting on the swings alone, his feet moving the swing back and forth, back and forth. Each time he extended his legs a little to make the swing go higher, the bottoms of his much-too-short pants lifted and revealed a flash of bruised skin on the little boy’s legs.
He watched as the boy stopped swinging, just letting his legs dangle and the swing rock slowly with the wind; biting his lip as he watched the boy look over at the other laughing and playing children, but there was an expression of fear on his face - fear of being rejected if he asked to play with them.
He watched as the younger boy looked down at his feet before he noticed a group of children running to the swings. They were loud, and he could see the way the younger boy jumped. Then, with a sad expression, the younger boy slid off the swings, earning a loud, “Thanks!” from the children who had been debating on how to share the swings. Now that the boy had gotten off, they could all swing.
The younger boy went to the wooden picnic table in the park and sat there, watching the other children with sad, longing eyes.
It was then that he decided to go over; it was familiar, too familiar, and he touched the large bruise in the shape of fingers on his neck.
“Looks fun doesn’t it?” he asked cheerfully. The younger boy jumped in surprise and looked with wide eyes at him; the younger boy then looked away shyly, but he just smiled at him, “Why don’t you join them?” he asked encouragingly.
The other boy just looked down, shaking his head.
He understood; he really did. In life, he had been the exact same way; he had been unable to do befriend anyone. Anyone that could look past the fear of rejection and try to befriend him had been scared off by his parents, leaving him alone, very alone.
His heart went out to the younger boy who was in the same situation that he had once been in.
He moved down so that he could peer up into the younger boy’s face, “Why are you sad?”
The younger boy looked down, but he merely grinned at the other boy, “I don’t think you should be sad anymore - you should smile. Can you smile?” he asked hopefully.
He got a few blinks in return.
He quickly tried to reassure the younger boy, “It’s okay - if you’re sad, then it’s not a real smile…let’s be friends and one day, when you’re happy, you smile for real for me, okay?” he grinned.
The younger boy hesitated, “I don’t think I can be happy…” he said softly, flinching.
He tilted his head, a sinking feeling in his chest, ‘Why not?”
“I’m not allowed to…” the younger boy whispered, his fingers tightening around the material of his jacket as he fisted his hands, “I’m not allowed to be happy…”
He frowned, feeling indignant on behalf of the younger boy - the boy just like him.
“Who said that?” he scoffed, “They’re stupid. Well, I say you’re allowed to, so let’s go play, okay?” he asked, standing up and extending a hand to toward the smaller boy.
It may be too late for him, but it wasn’t too late for this boy ; he would do his best to make sure this boy didn’t end up the way he had.
He grinned as the younger boy took his hand.
“By the way, my name’s Jin,” he introduced himself.
“Kazuya,” the other boy intoned softly, looking at their conjoined hands as though it was strange. It probably was - Jin knew, just knew, that it was probably strange to Kazuya for someone to touch him without trying to inflict pain.
“Let’s go play,” Jin suggested, and his eyes lit up when he saw a hint of a hesitant smile starting on Kazuya’s face at the idea. He pulled lightly on Kazuya’s hand, dragging him toward the sandbox.
* * *
Jin awoke to find himself tangled in his sheets and his hair sweat-matted as he woke from the throes of the nightmare. He kicked his legs out of the sheets, covering his eyes with his wrists as panted breathing escaped him. He hated these dreams so much; each one was so real…and ever since Kazuya had spoken to him about what could be the reason for them, he could never brush them off as easily as he had before - the idea that perhaps, it was from a former life, or he was somehow dreaming of the life - or apparently, afterlife - of a boy who shared his name and looks, was disturbing to say the least.
But for some reason, this time, he couldn’t deny Kazuya’s claims as easily anymore, not after his conversation with Reio. Kazuya had to have been sure, before he had brought it to Jin - as shown by how long ago he had found the file before going to Jin He had to have made sure, because he knew how affected Jin was by the nightmares, and…
Jin had spent nearly all night thinking about it, trying to reason it out, and as impossible as the idea was, that they were somehow, connected to those two children, each dream he had and remembered made him more convinced that perhaps, just perhaps, Kazuya was onto something.
What other explanation was there?
As disturbing and impossible as that explanation was, it was the only explanation.
And there were also Kazuya’s actions; he knew, just like Reio had told him, from what had happened with the bullying, that unless he had to, Kazuya wouldn’t tell someone when something was bothering him unless he had no other choice. Jin had asked him to tell him from now on to tell at least him, but…
But Kazuya had, he had realized he couldn’t deal with the knowledge, the realization, alone and Jin had completely rejected it…
Kazuya would make sure it was honestly the most likely explanation, and had credibility in its validity, before he would believe something like that - before he would tell Jin about something like that; Kazuya treated the nightmares just as seriously as Jin did, and wouldn’t easily accept half-hearted conclusions, or accept such a disturbing conclusion without being sure.
Jin jumped out of bed, his mind racing; he knew it was probably incredibly insane, knew that logically, he should just keep denying it, but he wanted to listen to Kazuya’s reasoning; he wanted to listen to Kazuya.
“Kazuya?” he whispered softly as he rapped lightly on the door of the guest room. He got no answer in response, and he frowned; it wasn’t likely Kazuya had gone to sleep, especially since their nightmares seemed to happen at the exact same time all the time, and they were always so disturbed by them, that neither of them could go back to sleep so easily.
He turned the doorknob, and found the room in disarray. The bed had been slept in, but there was no one in the room. Jin frowned as he made his way downstairs, searching for the younger man.
It was when he got to the kitchen that he realized why he couldn’t find the younger man. There was a note left on the kitchen table.
I realized there was something I forgot at home, and I need it urgently, so I’ve gone back there. I’ll stay for the rest of the night so that I’m not going back and forth between in the middle of the night. I’ll head to school on my own from there, so Jin doesn’t need to wait for me in the morning; I’ll be back here after school. Don’t worry about me - I’ll be fine.
-Kazuya
Jin stared dumbfounded at the note for a while, before the words punctured the haze in his brain; worry nagged at him. Kazuya still wasn’t completely healed from his injuries, and the streets around their neighbourhood weren’t exactly full of people - what if something happened and….and no one could help Kazuya if something had happened?
It wasn’t likely, but…
But what if…?
“Damn it,” he cursed under his breath as he ran to his room, grabbed a jacket, as well as a few other things, and left the house at a run.
--
Kazuya had had the urge to go back home after the nightmare he had. There was no way he could go to Jin - not when he thought Kazuya was crazy for believing those files, not when he refused to understand why these nightmares affected Kazuya so much now. The realization that these were real, those things really had happened, left his waking moments just as haunted, just as lonely and distraught, as the nightmares did.
He had been instantly relieved the moment he stepped inside his house again, looking at the familiar things that were so comforting. As much as he liked, and was grateful to, the Akanishi family for taking him in when his parents were away, it wasn’t home, and that was something he had sorely needed tonight.
Home, meant he had people who could understand him, and although they weren’t here right now, their presence was felt. Kazuya quickly found a blanket and was downstairs and sitting curled up on one end of his favourite couch within minutes, just staring at nothing in particular but the familiar decorations of the living room.
He remembered, when he was younger, how after a nightmare - whether normal nightmares, or the ones that he often shared with Jin - he would come down here, and more often than not, someone in his family had realized that he had woken up and was down here and would join him.
Normally, surprisingly enough, it was one of his brothers; perhaps it was because his room was right besides or across the hall from theirs, and as they were much older than he was, they were often up past midnight, doing whatever they had been doing up at that hour.
He let out a sigh as he sat there, wrapped in that blanket, as though he was protecting himself with a makeshift cocoon, and closed his eyes.
At this point, he just wanted someone to talk to about everything bothering him; he couldn’t keep all of it in forever, and - and no matter how much he tried to hide it, knowing the source of the nightmares was frightening; knowing that the one person, who could possibly understand exactly what it was he was going through, didn’t believe him left him feeling alone and isolated.
He wasn’t sure how long he stayed up, brooding on the topic, wondering if one day Jin would believe him, wondering if he could somehow forget he had ever found out, because it seemed to cause more grief than it had when he was confused about what was going on.
The clock showed that he had been home for at least an hour when he began to drift off; he wasn’t quite falling asleep yet but wasn’t quite awake anymore either.
And it was then that he heard running footsteps in the house.
It took a moment for that to penetrate his thoughts, and his eyes snapped open, just as he saw a dark shape go past the living room, before the footsteps stopped and the dark figure slowly backtracked.
Kazuya rubbed his eyes, the dim lights that he had turned on in the living room, illuminating Jin’s face. The older boy looked flushed and as though he had run here at full speed, his breaths coming out in pants as he stared at Kazuya.
“Jin?” Kazuya asked quietly, in confusion, “What are you doing here?...and how did you get in?” he wondered, and he added another question in his mind.
And why are you here, looking for me, when you’ve been avoiding me lately?
“Your mother gave us a key years ago,” Jin explained softly, as he took a step toward, eyes going over Kazuya, who was curled up on the couch. There was a wary look in Kazuya’s eyes as he watched him, “I woke up, a nightmare.” He said as a form of explanation.
It was an explanation though, at least to Kazuya.
“So you found my note,” Kazuya said softly, pulling the blanket tighter around himself, staring at Jin.
“I did…what the hell made you think of walking all the way here in your condition?” Jin asked bluntly, as he sat down on the couch, looking with concerned irritation at the younger boy, “What if something had happened?!”
Kazuya flinched, “I…I needed to be here,” he said as a form of explanation, “I...”
How was he supposed to explain to Jin how alone he was feeling? How…
Jin paused, reaching a hand forward, his eyes sad as he watched Kazuya. He hadn’t even realized what his denial was doing to the younger boy; Kazuya looked so lonely, his eyes were so sad, so scared.
“You’ve been going through this alone for weeks…” Jin murmured, more to himself than to Kazuya, as he leaned forward, wrapping an arm around Kazuya, pulling him so that he fell against Jin’s side. He hadn’t needed to question why Kazuya had to come back to his house out of all the places he could have gone to. It had broken his heart, seeing that expression that had been on Kazuya’s face when he had arrived - the look of longing for someone to just listen, to just understand without judging him, and it nearly shattered his heart into irreparable pieces when he realized that he had been the one Kazuya had been waiting for to understand him, he had been Kazuya’s hope, and he had roughly rejected it.
“I’m sorry,” Jin said softly, noticing as Kazuya stiffened, “I didn’t even notice…that it must scare you so much to accept that truth…that…you’re scared too; it’s not just about me, is it?” he said regretfully, although his mind was protesting against this, telling him that the moment he believed Kazuya’s words, he would have to face the harsh reality of the truth behind the dreams, and that it was possibly something he never wanted to face in any lifetime.
“You…I thought you didn’t believe me,” Kazuya said, half hesitantly, half accusingly.
Jin closed his eyes as he closed his eyes, taking a deep breath and holding Kazuya to him for comfort, for strength, “I…I’m not sure I do…but I’m willingly to believe in you. Even if the truth sounds impossible, you’ve always been someone I could trust, and...that shouldn’t change over something like this. Just tell me, you’re absolutely sure of it?” he asked, almost hoping that Kazuya would say no.
Kazuya looked at Jin for a long time, before nodding; there was no hesitation, no doubt. He was sure; he had gone over the information so many times in his head, that he wouldn’t have risked what he had with Jin unless he was sure.
“Then…I guess I’m up for listening,” Jin quietly, looking as scared as Kazuya had been feeling all these weeks, “Why do you believe so much that it’s true?”
Kazuya’s hand went to Jin’s hand, gripping it tightly to comfort, and reassure, the older boy; it may be frightening. In fact, it definitely was, but…
He finally had someone who was giving him a chance, who might believe him, and that hope was enough to take away any fears for the moment.
He could do this; he could tell Jin why he thought it was true, and…he didn’t know what would happen after, how they were supposed to deal with it, but as long as he didn’t have to do it alone, then he would be okay.
* * *
----- part 3 -------
pairing: akame, ryouchi (implied XD)
rating: pg-13
Summary: sequel to Concrete Angel. They always knew they were special to each other, that no matter what drove them apart, they'd always have each other in some way or another, but is there more connecting them than just lifelong friendship? What is the meaning behind these haunting dreams that tore them apart in the first place?
part 1-1 | part 1-2 | part 1-3 | part 1-4 | part 1-5 | part 1-6 |
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part 2-1 |
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The weekend passed in silence; although neither said or did anything that gave it away, it was obvious to the others around them that there was something bothering both of them. They didn’t outwardly act like anything was different, but there were the small signs; one such sign was the way Kazuya would look tentatively at Jin, only to have a stubborn look cross the older boy’s face for a brief second before it was gone and Kazuya had looked away, or looked down. Jin continued to stay around Kazuya though; it gave people some relief that at least, whatever the problem or issue was, it wasn’t that bad that Jin would abandon his determination to make sure Kazuya stayed safe.
Jin cast a glance through the open door of his room, across the hall to where Kazuya was sitting at the table in the room, catching up on the schoolwork Yamapi had brought for him. His best friend was sitting with Kazuya, explaining the concepts he had missed to him, seeing as Yamapi claimed that he couldn’t trust Jin to do it, even if he was a third year, because he was always sleeping in class.
Ryo had snickered at that, and poked Uchi in the ribs, “See, this is why I tell you to go to Pi instead of me for help with schoolwork,” he paused, “Or Toma. Toma needs to keep up his grades to remain captain.”
Uchi rolled his eyes, “You’re just too lazy to try to remember what you learned in first year.”
Jin grinned, but shot another surreptitious look at the two second years, or more precisely, Kazuya. He didn’t quite know how to approach the younger boy lately; every time he did, he would remember what Kazuya had tried to say to him, and he could only blatantly deny it. It wasn’t true; it couldn’t be true, and the moment he thought that, and thought that Kazuya was jumping to impossible conclusions, the atmosphere grew awkward as he kept denying the possibility that maybe Kazuya was right.
But he couldn’t be; such a thing was impossible!
“You know Jin,” Ryo drawled, “If you upset your precious notebook boy, you should probably just go and grovel. Maybe he’ll forgive you.”
“What?!” Jin yelped, before narrowing his eyes, “Nothing’s wrong; I didn’t upset him.”
But he knew that that wasn’t true - Kazuya was upset each time he realized Jin still didn’t believe him. But how was Jin supposed to believe such an impossible thing?!
“Right…and that’s why you’re here instead of hovering over him like you were last time we came to visit.”
“I was worried! He was more injured back then!” Jin snapped.
Ryo merely raised an eyebrow in response, “Sure, that’s exactly why.”
Uchi stifled a grin, shaking his head at the two arguing friends. No matter how much Jin tried to deny it, it was obvious to anyone who ever saw the two together.
Soon enough, it was time for Ryo and Uchi to leave; Pi had already left an hour ago, claiming he was meeting Toma somewhere. As Kazuya joined him in walking Ryo and Uchi to the door, Jin felt a sinking feeling inside, when he realized that as long as other people were around, he could act fine with Kazuya, but the moment they were together alone, he would have to get as far away from Kazuya as he could, because…because the more time he spent with the younger boy, and the more he saw the conviction in which Kazuya believed that impossible story, the more he might be convinced, and Jin didn’t want to be convinced that that story was true.
He looked awkwardly at Kazuya as his friends left, but Kazuya seemed to already know what Jin would do the moment they were alone; he sighed, shuffling his feet and with a brief look that he diverted soon after, Kazuya mumbled a, “I’ll be studying,” to Jin, before walking slowly back to his room, shoulders hunched.
Jin winced; even he didn’t miss the sad, hurt, look in Kazuya’s eyes at the fact that Jin so blatantly refused to believe what he could be saying was the truth.
If only you’d just stop and listen to him, a nasty little voice in the back of Jin’s mind said tauntingly. He promptly told the voice to shut up. If he did try to listen, it would mean allowing the chance that maybe, just maybe, Kazuya was onto something, because strangely enough, that explanation was the only attempt at explaining the nightmares that he had ever been told.
But he didn’t want to believe it.
He watched as Kazuya quietly closed the door to his room, looking down as he did; Jin’s heart was breaking every time he saw that, saw how sad Kazuya looked when he saw Jin and the denial that Jin knew he was in. He trudged back to his room and threw himself onto the bed with a groan; what was he supposed to do?
“You know,” a voice interrupted him and Jin jumped in surprise to see his brother; he hadn’t even noticed the door opening and closing, “You should just go apologize for whatever it is that you did.”
“There’s nothing to apologize for! Nothing happened, and what makes you so sure it’s me that’s at fault anyways?!” Jin growled.
Reio raised an eyebrow, “The guilty, puppy-dog looks you keep sending Kazuya when you think no one notices, maybe?”
Jin bristled, “Right, I should follow advice coming from someone who won’t even look at Kazuya these days!” he snapped, causing Reio to flinch.
Reio quickly recovered from that, and with a sigh, he rolled his eyes, “I was also his friend through the past few years when you were ignoring him. So I think I know him and how he ticks a bit more than you do.”
Jin glared, “What do you mean?”
“I mean, that if there’s something wrong between you two, if you want advice, my door is open for you,” Reio said with a similar glare, “It’s up to you whether or not you want my help.” He retorted as he turned to open the door and leave.
Jin frowned, “That’s unlike you,” he retorted, “You never want to help me.”
Reio had his hand on the doorknob as he turned around, “As much as we don’t act like it, you are my brother,” he said with a scoff, “And as much as it annoys me, my best friend seems to be very attached to you,” he said lightly, “And by that, I mean, it seriously disturbs me to think of my brother and my best friend together. It’s just something no one should ever have to think about.”
Jin opened his mouth to protest his brother’s words that he and Kazuya were together, “He and I aren’t together, and,” he stared piercingly at Reio, “Why would you be disturbed if it was true?” he asked suspiciously.
Reio rolled his eyes, “It’s not what you’re thinking, that’s for sure. It’d be like if I suddenly decided to get together with your best friend…so, if I decided to get together with Tomohisa.”
Jin blanched at the idea and then he got a disgusted look, “Eww! But…but you’re my brother and he’s Pi!” he exclaimed, looking disturbed at the thought.
Reio had his eyebrow raised and didn’t have to say anything.
“Oh…” Jin responded, thoroughly abashed, “I get it.”
“So, if you want my help…” Reio shrugged.
“I still think it’s not like you to help me,” Jin said suspiciously; it really wasn’t. Reio and Jin had always been at odds with each other; they had grown up too competitive, and wouldn’t really go out of their way to help each other unless it was life-threatening or something. Jin knew he would never be the ‘smart’ son, not with the school Reio got accepted into while Jin got average marks in his own school - but of course, that was because Jin was always sleeping in class and skipping when he could. But at the same time, Reio was horrible at sports, which Jin excelled at, and Jin had many friends while Reio had a few acquaintances from his school and Kazuya. It was much too easy to compare themselves to each other, and as thus, wouldn’t go out of their way to help each other unless it was necessary.
Reio sighed, “Fine. Maybe I just want to help you because I see what this is doing to Kazuya, because he looks really lonely these days, especially at home, and it’s obvious that whatever’s happening is really hard on him.”
Jin stared shrewdly at his brother, “So why don’t you just go talk to Kazuya? To make him feel less ‘lonely’, as you’ve said it.”
Reio’s expression froze over, and there was a long, tense silence before Reio turned around again, “Anyways, tell me if you want my help…”
Jin narrowed his eyes at Reio’s back, “Only if you tell me why you keep avoiding Kazuya. I’m not the only one hurting him you know.”
Reio’s shoulders stiffened as he stood there, before finally, he spoke, “Did you feel guilty, when you first found Kazuya in that locker room, and thought about the many ways you could have found out about this before it got to that point? To try to convince that stubborn guy to tell you?”
Jin looked confused but he figured his brother had a point to all this, so he answered, “Yeah…” it was soft, because he still felt guilty, especially whenever he had soccer practice and he looked over at the baseball field and saw Kazuya sitting on the bench, all alone while watching the practice.
“Well, I knew about it; he talked to me about it, but…I didn’t say anything when I should have; all because I promised not to - I’d break that promise over and over again if it meant not seeing my friend in that condition in the hospital,” Reio said quietly, “I’m not like you, Jin; you get over your guilt by being around him and helping him all the time. I...I just can’t face him anymore. I failed him as a friend.”
Jin was quiet, before he spoke, “…Kazuya doesn’t blame you, Reio.”
Reio merely turned and stared at Jin, “I know that; I know Kazuya would never blame me for something like that, but…it still doesn’t change the fact that I stood by and let it happen; even if he doesn’t blame me, I blame myself.”
“But -” Jin opened his mouth to protest.
“You said it yourself, didn’t you? ‘I hope you can live with yourself if something happens to him and you knew about it’ - wasn’t that what you said?” Reio asked sardonically.
“Stood by and let it happen - that’s exactly what I feel like I did,” Jin said bitterly, “But let me ask you this - even if you had pushed him a bit harder, would he have asked for help? If I had pushed him a bit harder, would he have…?”
Reio bit his lip, before he shook his head, “No…haven’t you already realized that’s what Kazuya is like? He does everything on his own - he absolutely hates relying on others. Haven’t you ever seen him with Ueda? No matter how many times Ueda tells him he wants to do something for him, like drive him somewhere, Kazuya still thinks he shouldn’t rely on Ueda too much - he’d never tell anyone if he thought he could handle it himself, and he did. The only time he’d probably tell anyone anything like that, is if he’s so troubled, feeling so lost and alone, that he needs someone to tell him they understand and needs someone to talk to.”
Jin frowned suddenly. Kazuya was really that secretive about things that bothered him, wasn’t he? But, then…
Why did you tell me all that stuff then?
He had a sinking feeling.
“So…if he tells someone, knowing that they wouldn’t take it well…”
Reio looked at him, puzzled, but answered, “Then it probably means that he can’t keep it in anymore, and that it’s slowly eating him out from the inside…”
“And he would be sure…that whatever he told was true?”
Reio let out a laugh, “Kazuya, not sure of something before he asked someone else’s help? If it was that troubling, he would have gone over it by himself for weeks on end. Why are you asking this?”
Jin, however, was lost in thought, “No reason. Thanks for your help, Reio.” He said absently.
Reio blinked in confusion.
“Now, I mean this in the nicest way possible: get out of my room,” Jin said, as he pushed Reio toward the door, “And by the way,” he added as he was about to close it, “You should think about what you just said. If you had pushed Kazuya to tell someone, what are the chances, if what you said is right, that he would have even listened?” he asked as he closed the door, “There are some things that not even you, the smart one in this family, can do you know. Don’t be so bigheaded.”
Reio stared at the door for a while, looking confused and a bit insulted, before he finally just shook his head and began to leave. As he did, he mouthed a ‘thank you’ at his brother’s door, knowing he would never say it aloud. As much as they didn’t get along, he and Jin were brothers and there were words that only they could say to each other to help the other in ways that few others could.
* * *
The little boy was sitting on the swings alone, his feet moving the swing back and forth, back and forth. Each time he extended his legs a little to make the swing go higher, the bottoms of his much-too-short pants lifted and revealed a flash of bruised skin on the little boy’s legs.
He watched as the boy stopped swinging, just letting his legs dangle and the swing rock slowly with the wind; biting his lip as he watched the boy look over at the other laughing and playing children, but there was an expression of fear on his face - fear of being rejected if he asked to play with them.
He watched as the younger boy looked down at his feet before he noticed a group of children running to the swings. They were loud, and he could see the way the younger boy jumped. Then, with a sad expression, the younger boy slid off the swings, earning a loud, “Thanks!” from the children who had been debating on how to share the swings. Now that the boy had gotten off, they could all swing.
The younger boy went to the wooden picnic table in the park and sat there, watching the other children with sad, longing eyes.
It was then that he decided to go over; it was familiar, too familiar, and he touched the large bruise in the shape of fingers on his neck.
“Looks fun doesn’t it?” he asked cheerfully. The younger boy jumped in surprise and looked with wide eyes at him; the younger boy then looked away shyly, but he just smiled at him, “Why don’t you join them?” he asked encouragingly.
The other boy just looked down, shaking his head.
He understood; he really did. In life, he had been the exact same way; he had been unable to do befriend anyone. Anyone that could look past the fear of rejection and try to befriend him had been scared off by his parents, leaving him alone, very alone.
His heart went out to the younger boy who was in the same situation that he had once been in.
He moved down so that he could peer up into the younger boy’s face, “Why are you sad?”
The younger boy looked down, but he merely grinned at the other boy, “I don’t think you should be sad anymore - you should smile. Can you smile?” he asked hopefully.
He got a few blinks in return.
He quickly tried to reassure the younger boy, “It’s okay - if you’re sad, then it’s not a real smile…let’s be friends and one day, when you’re happy, you smile for real for me, okay?” he grinned.
The younger boy hesitated, “I don’t think I can be happy…” he said softly, flinching.
He tilted his head, a sinking feeling in his chest, ‘Why not?”
“I’m not allowed to…” the younger boy whispered, his fingers tightening around the material of his jacket as he fisted his hands, “I’m not allowed to be happy…”
He frowned, feeling indignant on behalf of the younger boy - the boy just like him.
“Who said that?” he scoffed, “They’re stupid. Well, I say you’re allowed to, so let’s go play, okay?” he asked, standing up and extending a hand to toward the smaller boy.
It may be too late for him, but it wasn’t too late for this boy ; he would do his best to make sure this boy didn’t end up the way he had.
He grinned as the younger boy took his hand.
“By the way, my name’s Jin,” he introduced himself.
“Kazuya,” the other boy intoned softly, looking at their conjoined hands as though it was strange. It probably was - Jin knew, just knew, that it was probably strange to Kazuya for someone to touch him without trying to inflict pain.
“Let’s go play,” Jin suggested, and his eyes lit up when he saw a hint of a hesitant smile starting on Kazuya’s face at the idea. He pulled lightly on Kazuya’s hand, dragging him toward the sandbox.
* * *
Jin awoke to find himself tangled in his sheets and his hair sweat-matted as he woke from the throes of the nightmare. He kicked his legs out of the sheets, covering his eyes with his wrists as panted breathing escaped him. He hated these dreams so much; each one was so real…and ever since Kazuya had spoken to him about what could be the reason for them, he could never brush them off as easily as he had before - the idea that perhaps, it was from a former life, or he was somehow dreaming of the life - or apparently, afterlife - of a boy who shared his name and looks, was disturbing to say the least.
But for some reason, this time, he couldn’t deny Kazuya’s claims as easily anymore, not after his conversation with Reio. Kazuya had to have been sure, before he had brought it to Jin - as shown by how long ago he had found the file before going to Jin He had to have made sure, because he knew how affected Jin was by the nightmares, and…
Jin had spent nearly all night thinking about it, trying to reason it out, and as impossible as the idea was, that they were somehow, connected to those two children, each dream he had and remembered made him more convinced that perhaps, just perhaps, Kazuya was onto something.
What other explanation was there?
As disturbing and impossible as that explanation was, it was the only explanation.
And there were also Kazuya’s actions; he knew, just like Reio had told him, from what had happened with the bullying, that unless he had to, Kazuya wouldn’t tell someone when something was bothering him unless he had no other choice. Jin had asked him to tell him from now on to tell at least him, but…
But Kazuya had, he had realized he couldn’t deal with the knowledge, the realization, alone and Jin had completely rejected it…
Kazuya would make sure it was honestly the most likely explanation, and had credibility in its validity, before he would believe something like that - before he would tell Jin about something like that; Kazuya treated the nightmares just as seriously as Jin did, and wouldn’t easily accept half-hearted conclusions, or accept such a disturbing conclusion without being sure.
Jin jumped out of bed, his mind racing; he knew it was probably incredibly insane, knew that logically, he should just keep denying it, but he wanted to listen to Kazuya’s reasoning; he wanted to listen to Kazuya.
“Kazuya?” he whispered softly as he rapped lightly on the door of the guest room. He got no answer in response, and he frowned; it wasn’t likely Kazuya had gone to sleep, especially since their nightmares seemed to happen at the exact same time all the time, and they were always so disturbed by them, that neither of them could go back to sleep so easily.
He turned the doorknob, and found the room in disarray. The bed had been slept in, but there was no one in the room. Jin frowned as he made his way downstairs, searching for the younger man.
It was when he got to the kitchen that he realized why he couldn’t find the younger man. There was a note left on the kitchen table.
I realized there was something I forgot at home, and I need it urgently, so I’ve gone back there. I’ll stay for the rest of the night so that I’m not going back and forth between in the middle of the night. I’ll head to school on my own from there, so Jin doesn’t need to wait for me in the morning; I’ll be back here after school. Don’t worry about me - I’ll be fine.
-Kazuya
Jin stared dumbfounded at the note for a while, before the words punctured the haze in his brain; worry nagged at him. Kazuya still wasn’t completely healed from his injuries, and the streets around their neighbourhood weren’t exactly full of people - what if something happened and….and no one could help Kazuya if something had happened?
It wasn’t likely, but…
But what if…?
“Damn it,” he cursed under his breath as he ran to his room, grabbed a jacket, as well as a few other things, and left the house at a run.
--
Kazuya had had the urge to go back home after the nightmare he had. There was no way he could go to Jin - not when he thought Kazuya was crazy for believing those files, not when he refused to understand why these nightmares affected Kazuya so much now. The realization that these were real, those things really had happened, left his waking moments just as haunted, just as lonely and distraught, as the nightmares did.
He had been instantly relieved the moment he stepped inside his house again, looking at the familiar things that were so comforting. As much as he liked, and was grateful to, the Akanishi family for taking him in when his parents were away, it wasn’t home, and that was something he had sorely needed tonight.
Home, meant he had people who could understand him, and although they weren’t here right now, their presence was felt. Kazuya quickly found a blanket and was downstairs and sitting curled up on one end of his favourite couch within minutes, just staring at nothing in particular but the familiar decorations of the living room.
He remembered, when he was younger, how after a nightmare - whether normal nightmares, or the ones that he often shared with Jin - he would come down here, and more often than not, someone in his family had realized that he had woken up and was down here and would join him.
Normally, surprisingly enough, it was one of his brothers; perhaps it was because his room was right besides or across the hall from theirs, and as they were much older than he was, they were often up past midnight, doing whatever they had been doing up at that hour.
He let out a sigh as he sat there, wrapped in that blanket, as though he was protecting himself with a makeshift cocoon, and closed his eyes.
At this point, he just wanted someone to talk to about everything bothering him; he couldn’t keep all of it in forever, and - and no matter how much he tried to hide it, knowing the source of the nightmares was frightening; knowing that the one person, who could possibly understand exactly what it was he was going through, didn’t believe him left him feeling alone and isolated.
He wasn’t sure how long he stayed up, brooding on the topic, wondering if one day Jin would believe him, wondering if he could somehow forget he had ever found out, because it seemed to cause more grief than it had when he was confused about what was going on.
The clock showed that he had been home for at least an hour when he began to drift off; he wasn’t quite falling asleep yet but wasn’t quite awake anymore either.
And it was then that he heard running footsteps in the house.
It took a moment for that to penetrate his thoughts, and his eyes snapped open, just as he saw a dark shape go past the living room, before the footsteps stopped and the dark figure slowly backtracked.
Kazuya rubbed his eyes, the dim lights that he had turned on in the living room, illuminating Jin’s face. The older boy looked flushed and as though he had run here at full speed, his breaths coming out in pants as he stared at Kazuya.
“Jin?” Kazuya asked quietly, in confusion, “What are you doing here?...and how did you get in?” he wondered, and he added another question in his mind.
And why are you here, looking for me, when you’ve been avoiding me lately?
“Your mother gave us a key years ago,” Jin explained softly, as he took a step toward, eyes going over Kazuya, who was curled up on the couch. There was a wary look in Kazuya’s eyes as he watched him, “I woke up, a nightmare.” He said as a form of explanation.
It was an explanation though, at least to Kazuya.
“So you found my note,” Kazuya said softly, pulling the blanket tighter around himself, staring at Jin.
“I did…what the hell made you think of walking all the way here in your condition?” Jin asked bluntly, as he sat down on the couch, looking with concerned irritation at the younger boy, “What if something had happened?!”
Kazuya flinched, “I…I needed to be here,” he said as a form of explanation, “I...”
How was he supposed to explain to Jin how alone he was feeling? How…
Jin paused, reaching a hand forward, his eyes sad as he watched Kazuya. He hadn’t even realized what his denial was doing to the younger boy; Kazuya looked so lonely, his eyes were so sad, so scared.
“You’ve been going through this alone for weeks…” Jin murmured, more to himself than to Kazuya, as he leaned forward, wrapping an arm around Kazuya, pulling him so that he fell against Jin’s side. He hadn’t needed to question why Kazuya had to come back to his house out of all the places he could have gone to. It had broken his heart, seeing that expression that had been on Kazuya’s face when he had arrived - the look of longing for someone to just listen, to just understand without judging him, and it nearly shattered his heart into irreparable pieces when he realized that he had been the one Kazuya had been waiting for to understand him, he had been Kazuya’s hope, and he had roughly rejected it.
“I’m sorry,” Jin said softly, noticing as Kazuya stiffened, “I didn’t even notice…that it must scare you so much to accept that truth…that…you’re scared too; it’s not just about me, is it?” he said regretfully, although his mind was protesting against this, telling him that the moment he believed Kazuya’s words, he would have to face the harsh reality of the truth behind the dreams, and that it was possibly something he never wanted to face in any lifetime.
“You…I thought you didn’t believe me,” Kazuya said, half hesitantly, half accusingly.
Jin closed his eyes as he closed his eyes, taking a deep breath and holding Kazuya to him for comfort, for strength, “I…I’m not sure I do…but I’m willingly to believe in you. Even if the truth sounds impossible, you’ve always been someone I could trust, and...that shouldn’t change over something like this. Just tell me, you’re absolutely sure of it?” he asked, almost hoping that Kazuya would say no.
Kazuya looked at Jin for a long time, before nodding; there was no hesitation, no doubt. He was sure; he had gone over the information so many times in his head, that he wouldn’t have risked what he had with Jin unless he was sure.
“Then…I guess I’m up for listening,” Jin quietly, looking as scared as Kazuya had been feeling all these weeks, “Why do you believe so much that it’s true?”
Kazuya’s hand went to Jin’s hand, gripping it tightly to comfort, and reassure, the older boy; it may be frightening. In fact, it definitely was, but…
He finally had someone who was giving him a chance, who might believe him, and that hope was enough to take away any fears for the moment.
He could do this; he could tell Jin why he thought it was true, and…he didn’t know what would happen after, how they were supposed to deal with it, but as long as he didn’t have to do it alone, then he would be okay.
* * *
----- part 3 -------