Still breathing
So I've hardly posted in nearly a year. Mostly because I am terrified that I will be seen as attention seeking or emotionally manipulative or wallowing in self-pity (all of which I have been accused of before, and who knows, maybe it's true) so I feel like if I have nothing good to say, I should really stop saying anything at all. And then all ( Read more... )
My personal memory is cloudy in the extreme. I'm fairly sure this is a depression symptom as I struggle to remember the periods of my life when I was most down - not the agonising parts, they stand out - but the apathetic struggling days blur together. I remember happy bits too, but my memory is very, very disjointed in many ways. I struggle to feel like I'm a real person. However, you're right, the important bits *do* stay and I need to hold on to that.
I think we've only very occasionally talked about this as normally we get caught up in crazy-chatter-nonsense with the others but I am seeing people, currently on meds and doing CBT, although only since halfway through January. It's always a struggle for me to go on meds and to do any kind of counselling or therapy because I still can't get rid of the suspicion that I am *fine*, that I'm just a malingerer and I'm just lazy and I could force myself to suddenly do things and have motivation and energy and concentration and joie de vivre. You would think I would be used to it all by now, as I've been on and off meds and counselling since I was 20 but, you know. That resistance is still there. So I know exactly what you mean. So thanks for the encouragement. :) And I'm glad that you've got better about looking after yourself and doing all the things that you need to do to get better. I hope I am, too. :)
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