Sad Times
Things can't always be about happy posts! There will come a time when you have to post a sad message. Tomorrow would have been Michelle's birthday. She would have been 36 years old. Yesterday I went in Haylie's bedroom to wake her up; she immediately looked up at me and said "Daddy do you ever feel like someone is watching you? I mean it feels like everywhere I go someone is watching me, even playing outside at Nanna's I can still feel it." I ask her if she felt like it was someone following her, and she began to tell me that she felt like someone from above was watching her. I immediately told her it was probably her mom. She just accepted it and kept getting on going. Later in the day I began to think on that a little more. I honestly believe that when you loose someone that is very close to you, that from somewhere above they are probably watching over you. Maybe it is when I am at my weakest times that she steps in to watch over them. Maybe it is because tomorrow would have been her birthday. Tomorrow is going to be one hell of a day for these girls. They would have been getting up to secretly bake her a cake and wrap a gift for her. They would have been really sneaking to get in the bed with her and wish her happy birthday and cover her with kisses and construction paper cards. Tomorrow they will look at a picture of their mother and shed tears in sadness of what they lost. There is a part of me that screams out because it is just not fair that my daughters cannot hold their mother anymore. I know for fact there were times in my life that I just wanted to go back home and have my mother to hug me or to hold me when I was sick. I am a grown man and I can still do that. I can still reach out and touch my mother. My daughters cannot. It would be very selfish of me to say I don't understand why. I do understand why they cannot hold her anymore. I don't question God. What I don't understand is why God found me worthy enough to take on such a task of raising two wonderful girls in a very sad situation. I don't let the girls see me cry anymore when I think about her death or even think about her. I feel like they need to see a strong father. When I begin to think about the Holiness people and the horrible things they did to the girls after their mothers death, I get so angry!!!!! How in the fuck can you lock a ten year old girl into a bedroom and bar the door with a damn spatula so she cannot get out and say goodbye to her mother before she draws her last breath? HOW? And why in the hell would you do that to her knowing her mother is going to die on her birthday? So not only will my daughter grow up avoiding her birthday, but she will spend the rest of her life knowing she did not get to say goodbye to her mother! And you call yourself a CHRISTIAN? I might be an openly gay man but I would be willing to take my chance on getting to heaven a hell of a lot quicker knowing I spent more time on my knees doing something other than prayer than to bet my salvation on your so called religion! The holiness people let a helpless woman lay there and die rather than calling for an ambulance to get her to a hospital! The night after her death, these holiness people were the same ones that helped my mother-in-law take them from me at the funeral home before I could stop them! UGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH! I get so furious when I think about it!
I thank God that I have them now! There are times that I want to run and grab them up and hold them forever and never again let anyone hurt them. There are also times I want to seek out those bible beaters and lock THEM into a room and see how long they can stay there! But as my dear grandmother would tell me "Brian, they too shall face judgement just as you will". Enough said.
Kristy Mac, you said something to me the other day that really made me feel good. (and no it was not that my hair was looking good either!) You told me that I inspired you and that I changed your views on gay people and faith in God. I really appreciate that. I honestly feel like God uses people as examples in life. Maybe he is using me as an example for other gay men who might find themselves in the same situations that I have went through? Either way, I am very thankful that I have inspired someone! Ok, I have to stop here. If I keep going I will have red puffy eyes and I will have to call up Oprah and get on her show!!
I guess the most important thing about tomorrow would be this: It is okay to cry because it is important to remember the woman that Michelle was. It is okay to miss her because she was a wonderful mother. It is important to smile because she is watching you from above.
I thank God that I have them now! There are times that I want to run and grab them up and hold them forever and never again let anyone hurt them. There are also times I want to seek out those bible beaters and lock THEM into a room and see how long they can stay there! But as my dear grandmother would tell me "Brian, they too shall face judgement just as you will". Enough said.
Kristy Mac, you said something to me the other day that really made me feel good. (and no it was not that my hair was looking good either!) You told me that I inspired you and that I changed your views on gay people and faith in God. I really appreciate that. I honestly feel like God uses people as examples in life. Maybe he is using me as an example for other gay men who might find themselves in the same situations that I have went through? Either way, I am very thankful that I have inspired someone! Ok, I have to stop here. If I keep going I will have red puffy eyes and I will have to call up Oprah and get on her show!!
I guess the most important thing about tomorrow would be this: It is okay to cry because it is important to remember the woman that Michelle was. It is okay to miss her because she was a wonderful mother. It is important to smile because she is watching you from above.