now I'm almost sure
I am almost completely sure now that Russ is avoiding me. He waited until after I'd RSVP'd with a "no" to Sue's Oscar party to say that he was planning to come. He even made a joke about showing up in a designer gown, which indicates to me that he was in quite a good mood when he RSVP'd.
The only reason I can think of for him to avoid me is that I'm dating someone else now, and he can't stand it. After that one Cascadian Chorale concert that we both attended with our dates, he has never appeared at a party or event to which I've been invited and to which I've brought Gus.
Well, okay. I can certainly understand that he might be uncomfortable around Gus and me together. It says to me that he's not over me - or something - which is too bad; I've only ever wanted him to be happy, and it hurts a bit that he can't seem to be happy with me in the room. But okay. It's his journey.
But what's bugging me right now about it is that it's a further splintering of the old Cascadian group. It seems to have started way back when Chris and Marilyn left the choir and we suddenly didn't see them anymore. Then I took my sabbatical and never came back. Sue was on-again, off-again for a while. But we all still included each other in other events, movie nights, holidays, film fests, etc.
Then Phil shattered and polarized us in a big way, but we still made the effort to include each other without him, and most of us participated.
Now I'm dating someone new, and Russ seems to have taken the stand that "if Jenny's going, then I'm not." And I feel like I'm a subject of gossip, of drama, of controversy somehow. I've always figured that people probably talked about me behind my back (especially during my divorce), just as I often talked about them, although it was hard to imagine. Suddenly it's not so hard to imagine. That feels strange - like I'm exposed and I can't cover myself up.
It's also always been hard for me to believe that my actions might have an effect on someone else's life. Now that I'm seeing what seems to be evidence of my effect on Russ and consequently our circle of friends, I'm not sure what to think. It makes me sad. It makes me wonder whether people purposely don't invite me along because they want Russ and they know he won't show if I'm there.
The only reason I can think of for him to avoid me is that I'm dating someone else now, and he can't stand it. After that one Cascadian Chorale concert that we both attended with our dates, he has never appeared at a party or event to which I've been invited and to which I've brought Gus.
Well, okay. I can certainly understand that he might be uncomfortable around Gus and me together. It says to me that he's not over me - or something - which is too bad; I've only ever wanted him to be happy, and it hurts a bit that he can't seem to be happy with me in the room. But okay. It's his journey.
But what's bugging me right now about it is that it's a further splintering of the old Cascadian group. It seems to have started way back when Chris and Marilyn left the choir and we suddenly didn't see them anymore. Then I took my sabbatical and never came back. Sue was on-again, off-again for a while. But we all still included each other in other events, movie nights, holidays, film fests, etc.
Then Phil shattered and polarized us in a big way, but we still made the effort to include each other without him, and most of us participated.
Now I'm dating someone new, and Russ seems to have taken the stand that "if Jenny's going, then I'm not." And I feel like I'm a subject of gossip, of drama, of controversy somehow. I've always figured that people probably talked about me behind my back (especially during my divorce), just as I often talked about them, although it was hard to imagine. Suddenly it's not so hard to imagine. That feels strange - like I'm exposed and I can't cover myself up.
It's also always been hard for me to believe that my actions might have an effect on someone else's life. Now that I'm seeing what seems to be evidence of my effect on Russ and consequently our circle of friends, I'm not sure what to think. It makes me sad. It makes me wonder whether people purposely don't invite me along because they want Russ and they know he won't show if I'm there.