... basically

[songandletter]

My anxiety holds me back from focusing on anything, or knowing what my priorities are. My depression makes it keeps me from caring, or even attempting to choose. The self wants everyone it chooses to care about to be happy, but doesn't know at all how to make it possible. The self wants all those people to have fun. The self wants to be important to all those people, but I know that I will only disappoint all of them. I don't know how to not care about the past, I've been so fucked over constantly since I entered kindergarten, and as I get older the way you get fucked over is only harder and harder. I don't know why things happen,or how ever the fuck I happened... But my mind as loopy as I have made it is a steel trap, and I have bad dreams all the time, especially when i am awake because I worry about everything that has ever happened. I will tell you about it with whiskey lips, and you can listen to it if you care or hear it even if you don't. I hate everything that has ever happened because everything beautiful I eventually make ugly to myself... I search so hard for my own version of perfection. Right now, that is whoever can understand how I feel, I feel insane... and knowing that other people are too make it not so fucking bad.

I know what I want, and just like everyone else... I can't have that. So all I can do is fucking live my life and try to do what makes me happy, go with what feels right and hope it is the right decision. Try my hardest to ignore my problems until I can deal with them, because stressing about them in the meantime only makes my live a living hell. Try to focus on priorities, and learn everyday. I feel like I will never be able to take anything seriously, but at least I don't want to kill my self everyday anymore, and finally gave up on trying to.

That's the past, too much death around to give up on myself... keep going...