Sorry about this one...I needed to say it but not to anyone imparticular so I wrote it down.
Thinking about the past can be bad...
I'm upset and I'm venting...read at your own will
I love my friends and I love my family and I should love life right now but I don't.
No one gets it. No one understands. No one ever thinks about what I've been through. Yeah...it's not really obvious. No one's died, no ones gone crazy, no one is around to be blamed as the shitty person in my life. My friends and family can't blame someone else for what I do. I can't even blame someone else cause he isn't here. He left. He left years ago and he took a part of me with him. He took my hope of being happy with someone, he took my trust of people, he took away my right to ever feel safe. And guess what? He gave me things too. He gave me a fear of opening up. He gave me a fear of trusting and believing. He gave me a fear of being caught. He gave me a fear of being alone. He gave me a fear of being with someone. He gave me a fear of loving someone. AND IT SUCKS. I can't tell people everything. I can't explain to them what is going on. My problems aren't easy to see. You can't talk to me a few times and know why I am who I am.
I make mistakes. Doesn't everyone? But don't accuse me of not understanding. Don't assume that I don't know what a shitty life is like. Don't make assumptions that you can't justify. Don't ask me to do something I can't. I try. I try to understand everyone. I try to leave and I try to forget but I can't. I can't do it.
I began to change. I began to work through the fears that he so graciously gave me. I began to trust and to believe that it wasn't my fault. Maybe...just maybe...it was him and not me. Maybe I can be needed...wanted...maybe I can trust. But I can't believe that alone. Will you help me?
I don't think you will