Past 2:00 in the morning...still awake...
One of my (many) flaws is that I can never do things in the time I need to. There's always some part of it that I forget, and then another, and another. I could have been asleep half an hour ago but I realized I had made a spelling mistake on an essay I have to pass in tomorrow so I had to fix that and then print it again. Then, I realized I forgot to burn my midterm project onto a CD so I'm doing that.
While I sit awake about to burn the CD I begin to think about my life and why evreything is the way it is. What got me here. Why are the good things good and the totally fucked up things totally fucked up. Honestly, at times I really hate technology, but it is also so useful. Especially for someone like me who is so forgetful. I have my AIM client set so that it saves every conversation I have. I have logs from as far back as November 2005. For some reason I decided to just start reading some of the conversations I have had with people and it reminds me about the things I did, the people I knew, and the way I felt at certain times. So many things I had forgotten about. One conversation reminded me of a feeling of excitement and promise, another of frustration and confusion. I'm reminded of how I keep making the same fucked up mistakes and how much I wish I could apologize to some people without making myself look like more of a douche bag.
I'm usually an introspective person. I spend a lot of time thinking about why I do things. This gets even worse though on late nights like this. With nothing to distract me I dig deeper and deeper into myself. Burrowing down into the parts of myself I don't understand. Every time I think I've got hold of something solid, something that could show me how to sort myself out, I reach out and just it turns to dust in my hands and I'm no better off.
More than anything else though, I think about something I want but can't have. I tell myself, "you don't deserve it" and "things are better this way." Maybe that's true, maybe it's not, but either way it hurts like hell. It's like stabbing myself in the chest with a knife and turning the blade slowly. Oh, so slowly.
While I sit awake about to burn the CD I begin to think about my life and why evreything is the way it is. What got me here. Why are the good things good and the totally fucked up things totally fucked up. Honestly, at times I really hate technology, but it is also so useful. Especially for someone like me who is so forgetful. I have my AIM client set so that it saves every conversation I have. I have logs from as far back as November 2005. For some reason I decided to just start reading some of the conversations I have had with people and it reminds me about the things I did, the people I knew, and the way I felt at certain times. So many things I had forgotten about. One conversation reminded me of a feeling of excitement and promise, another of frustration and confusion. I'm reminded of how I keep making the same fucked up mistakes and how much I wish I could apologize to some people without making myself look like more of a douche bag.
I'm usually an introspective person. I spend a lot of time thinking about why I do things. This gets even worse though on late nights like this. With nothing to distract me I dig deeper and deeper into myself. Burrowing down into the parts of myself I don't understand. Every time I think I've got hold of something solid, something that could show me how to sort myself out, I reach out and just it turns to dust in my hands and I'm no better off.
More than anything else though, I think about something I want but can't have. I tell myself, "you don't deserve it" and "things are better this way." Maybe that's true, maybe it's not, but either way it hurts like hell. It's like stabbing myself in the chest with a knife and turning the blade slowly. Oh, so slowly.