Here I am after so long.
I just finished watching Samurai X Reflection. I cried a couple times. Hmm... I wonder to my self what others would think. It's a magnificent Anime movie. It is truly sad though, yet magnificently done. I have so many things I would like to say but none come to mind. It's odd I mean my mood, It so very deep that is. I'm not exactly sad or anything but well, I don't knw it's like something of my very being has changed. Something about me has changed and i don't understand yet what it is. I'm no longer the person I once was, I have changed so very much. It's odd I mean I can appear perfectly Happy when there is so much sadness I feel. I try to let people think I am one way when I am completly diffrent than the majority knw. But I ask this Question "When does the point of Acting and Truth Cross" I find my self asking that very question of my self. For so long I wanted people to see me as one way yet that was not the Truth. I Continued acting makeing my Entire life a Masquerade. I built up so many emotinal barriers, I have faced so many Challenges both Physical and Emotinal. I continued Creating Barriers to protect myself, I lost any meanings of Life. I truly began to care about notheing not even my self, I no longer cared to live. I began to hate everything about life, I continued on because there was notheing else to do. Yet even back when I still believed in god, most people pray for Salvation I prayed for death, I would beg god to let my suffering end. The most ironic thing is most the time when i saw other people suffering and others in hurt I never truly realized all the pain and suffering that I had gone through it was as if it had never happend. After awhile I started to truly see that I had gone through many hardships of my own. Then I started Building even More masks, when I reached Highschool I hid all my pain and suffering all the trauma that I had. Then something Happend in Highschool To destroy all my barriers, I didn't let anyone see my composure fall, I continued on wearing another Mask. Then I let the Pain seep to the back of my mind waiting to come forth. Then i graduated and So many fears began to arise I placed those with the rest of my pain and Fears. Then other things started happening and More pain came upon me, yet I hid it with the rest. then the ending of last year came and I was a complete Emotional wreck but somehow I managed to Hide most of the pain, I let most of it seep away. Now I realize That In reality I'm just going to end up haveing a Nervous breakdown like my mother had. I don't knw when it will happen but sooner or later My mind and Body will have had enough and fall under all the Preassure that has built up over the Years maby not in a couple months or even a couple years but sooner or later I will collapse under all of the Weight and hardships. I hope i can manage to survive after that happens, I also hope those who care about me will not Be put through to much pain because of such things. I'm not Exactly sure why i'm saying all this I guess It may prolong things a bit, ease the pain slightly I wonder if i'll end up with any kind words. I don't really expect any, Even after all the kind words I've given others. Well I say Farwell for now.