it's not running away if you walk
“The decision to flee came suddenly. Or maybe not. Maybe I had planned it all along, subconsciously waiting for the right moment.”
Or perhaps it did? All I know is that the urge to flee is there, and it is strong. I can’t stand this place any longer, this house, these people. You can only take so much childish antics and pure stupidity before you realize that you’ve been wasting your time. Here. Time spent doing nothing, there are walls I burnt holes in with my eyes. I thought getting out of the house, getting my own place would be enough. Maybe not, maybe that isn’t enough. Maybe I need to flee farther than ten miles down the road to some apartment or trailer park. Maybe I need to get a thousand miles away. But where? I only have four months left, four more months until the end of The Deal.
The economy is shit, gas prices are high, can I afford to go? Car payments and insurance payments are my only real bills. Can I find a nice little place to go, get a nice little job? I’ve only ever really had one, seven years spent there. Doing nothing but the mindless task, am I qualified to do anything else? Could I handle it?
Would it be heartless of me to just up and leave without discussing it with my friends or family? Would they try to talk me out of it, not caring the effect it has on me? Is it callous of me to simply want to get away from all of them? To break contact and escape to that romantic place in my head that doesn’t even exist? To try to see how well I handle life? Real life, because what I’ve been doing now certainly isn’t considered life. Just motions.
Anxiety, Agoraphobia, there is no easy escape from that, a tough nut indeed. I could use some help but no one is willing to stick their hand out, should I blame them? They say God helps those who can help themselves, but I believe in no God and that very phrase pretty much says there isn’t one. So what now? What comes next?
I’ve been struggling with my inner demons for so long that I don’t even know anymore. Suffocation. I feel like I am in a prison, is it external or internal? I don’t know. What I do know is that my time here is short, unless I can find an exit.
Or perhaps it did? All I know is that the urge to flee is there, and it is strong. I can’t stand this place any longer, this house, these people. You can only take so much childish antics and pure stupidity before you realize that you’ve been wasting your time. Here. Time spent doing nothing, there are walls I burnt holes in with my eyes. I thought getting out of the house, getting my own place would be enough. Maybe not, maybe that isn’t enough. Maybe I need to flee farther than ten miles down the road to some apartment or trailer park. Maybe I need to get a thousand miles away. But where? I only have four months left, four more months until the end of The Deal.
The economy is shit, gas prices are high, can I afford to go? Car payments and insurance payments are my only real bills. Can I find a nice little place to go, get a nice little job? I’ve only ever really had one, seven years spent there. Doing nothing but the mindless task, am I qualified to do anything else? Could I handle it?
Would it be heartless of me to just up and leave without discussing it with my friends or family? Would they try to talk me out of it, not caring the effect it has on me? Is it callous of me to simply want to get away from all of them? To break contact and escape to that romantic place in my head that doesn’t even exist? To try to see how well I handle life? Real life, because what I’ve been doing now certainly isn’t considered life. Just motions.
Anxiety, Agoraphobia, there is no easy escape from that, a tough nut indeed. I could use some help but no one is willing to stick their hand out, should I blame them? They say God helps those who can help themselves, but I believe in no God and that very phrase pretty much says there isn’t one. So what now? What comes next?
I’ve been struggling with my inner demons for so long that I don’t even know anymore. Suffocation. I feel like I am in a prison, is it external or internal? I don’t know. What I do know is that my time here is short, unless I can find an exit.