(no subject)
Taking stabs at consistent writing again.
Already have 1329 words on 750 Words, no more than an hour and a half into the day, and maybe 30-45 minutes into writing (granted, with the diphen, I'm drowsying ever more).
PTSD major effect today. Loaded up the video for Simple Plan's "Why Did This Happen To Me". Heather has it on a mix CD. She played it yesterday, on the way home from Aaron and Nikki's, and explained why she listened to it: it reminded her of my accident.
The song is a generally applicable "Why did this happen to me?", as the title might suggest. But the video portrays a car wreck and the family (and friends? and?) affected by it... and the person singing. Heather related that the family and the narrator struggle to understand... why it happened.
I loaded it up. Mere seconds into it, at most, I saw clearly the image of a car wreck. I burst into tears, and it took me some short while to regain my composure. Since, for the rest of the day, the song has floated in my mind, relegated to the shadows, but there, and keeping me on the verge of a slight breakdown.
Combined with the anxiety I felt all too clearly when driving on occasion (the anxiety has made itself clear only occasionally, although the stress-induced dystonic attacks likewise hint at a lesser, chronic, anxiety when driving), the auto accidents I observed in TV shows (the SVU one where I first noticed PTSD symptoms key among them, the first time inducing a reaction, the second time bringing me to an outbreak of tears and shaking)... I think it's safe to expect a clear diagnosis of anxiety and PTSD... since the anxiety was already clinically diagnosed, anyway.
I've been feeling this more, lately.
"Wish You Were Here" always lingers in my mind... yes, I wish you were here, all you who once lived in my soul, but more than anything... I wish I were here. I'm dragging along a body that looks to be fully alive, but is little more than a case of walking paraplegia - only it's not a mind in a body, it's a body with a paralyzed mind.
Shine on, you crazy diamond - my FB status, today. The entire album becomes about me - my mind. The me that existed, still exists... somewhere, somehow, in the circuits of my brain.
I feel like Mycroft - Mike Adam Selene, to be precise - must. I'm in here, somewhere. I swear. I... just can't find the way out.
My words often feel like this, even if part of me is in fact gone forever. I hear my words in my head, I hold entire discussions and compositions... and then I can't get them *out* of my mind. My fingers, my tongue, refuse to cooperate. I can't act, because my muscles won't do what I want them to. Sure, they work. Just not how they should.
Tamai tomorrow. Today. Anxiety, Lexapro, PTSD, MVP auth for Lexapro (maybe?), depression as a result of brain issues.
Hey you. Wish you were here. Without - or with - you, I'm none too comfortably numb. The heart of the matter is... I can't return to innocence. It's been a pretty good year, but still, just another auld lang syne, another run away train. The show must go on, even if I might not want to live forever. I can't go losing my religion, by any means, but I still haven't found what I'm looking for. I wish it would rain down, rain down... over me. But yesterday... seems so far away. Imagine... zamane ke andaz, badle gae, naya rag hai, saz badle gae.
Beyond that.
Strummed. More "Wish You Were Here". Getting better at it. Took stabs at "The Scientist" (Coldplay). Can't play the non-capo barre chords, need a capo so I can play the simple chords.
More DF. Played around with a new fort, meant for invasions, turned invasions off as I had fun, and then realized my hunters weren't hunting, etc, and decided to pass. Back to the old one, slowly mining out the future expanded-sewers, building up waterwheels for future industry (too bad I can't smelt with mechanical power).
RogueSim coding. Not much. Primarily, utility stuff. Took stabs at importing data from Wowhead for use in the sim (weapons, especially), but got headaches over simple display formatting (parsing should be easier, but, argh, I'm tired, these days, so, well, I'll manage that eventually, XPath and friends).
What else?
Lots of DF, but that's passive. Some writing? News, of course. Some music.
Fiddled with electronics. My NPN based transistor inverter, taken directly from my digital computer electronics book, failed to work... I think, since displaying output might've been an issue? The PNP based one from the electronics kit... worked. I may or may not pickup breadboards and components - will I be able to wrap my aging mind around the math, and the art?
Gotta hack at my chart again. At least, I'm keeping up with many things. I'll be using maple sugar candies as carrots - rewards. Cover core things, get a candy. Do even more things, maybe a second.
Already have 1329 words on 750 Words, no more than an hour and a half into the day, and maybe 30-45 minutes into writing (granted, with the diphen, I'm drowsying ever more).
PTSD major effect today. Loaded up the video for Simple Plan's "Why Did This Happen To Me". Heather has it on a mix CD. She played it yesterday, on the way home from Aaron and Nikki's, and explained why she listened to it: it reminded her of my accident.
The song is a generally applicable "Why did this happen to me?", as the title might suggest. But the video portrays a car wreck and the family (and friends? and?) affected by it... and the person singing. Heather related that the family and the narrator struggle to understand... why it happened.
I loaded it up. Mere seconds into it, at most, I saw clearly the image of a car wreck. I burst into tears, and it took me some short while to regain my composure. Since, for the rest of the day, the song has floated in my mind, relegated to the shadows, but there, and keeping me on the verge of a slight breakdown.
Combined with the anxiety I felt all too clearly when driving on occasion (the anxiety has made itself clear only occasionally, although the stress-induced dystonic attacks likewise hint at a lesser, chronic, anxiety when driving), the auto accidents I observed in TV shows (the SVU one where I first noticed PTSD symptoms key among them, the first time inducing a reaction, the second time bringing me to an outbreak of tears and shaking)... I think it's safe to expect a clear diagnosis of anxiety and PTSD... since the anxiety was already clinically diagnosed, anyway.
I've been feeling this more, lately.
"Wish You Were Here" always lingers in my mind... yes, I wish you were here, all you who once lived in my soul, but more than anything... I wish I were here. I'm dragging along a body that looks to be fully alive, but is little more than a case of walking paraplegia - only it's not a mind in a body, it's a body with a paralyzed mind.
Shine on, you crazy diamond - my FB status, today. The entire album becomes about me - my mind. The me that existed, still exists... somewhere, somehow, in the circuits of my brain.
I feel like Mycroft - Mike Adam Selene, to be precise - must. I'm in here, somewhere. I swear. I... just can't find the way out.
My words often feel like this, even if part of me is in fact gone forever. I hear my words in my head, I hold entire discussions and compositions... and then I can't get them *out* of my mind. My fingers, my tongue, refuse to cooperate. I can't act, because my muscles won't do what I want them to. Sure, they work. Just not how they should.
Tamai tomorrow. Today. Anxiety, Lexapro, PTSD, MVP auth for Lexapro (maybe?), depression as a result of brain issues.
Hey you. Wish you were here. Without - or with - you, I'm none too comfortably numb. The heart of the matter is... I can't return to innocence. It's been a pretty good year, but still, just another auld lang syne, another run away train. The show must go on, even if I might not want to live forever. I can't go losing my religion, by any means, but I still haven't found what I'm looking for. I wish it would rain down, rain down... over me. But yesterday... seems so far away. Imagine... zamane ke andaz, badle gae, naya rag hai, saz badle gae.
Beyond that.
Strummed. More "Wish You Were Here". Getting better at it. Took stabs at "The Scientist" (Coldplay). Can't play the non-capo barre chords, need a capo so I can play the simple chords.
More DF. Played around with a new fort, meant for invasions, turned invasions off as I had fun, and then realized my hunters weren't hunting, etc, and decided to pass. Back to the old one, slowly mining out the future expanded-sewers, building up waterwheels for future industry (too bad I can't smelt with mechanical power).
RogueSim coding. Not much. Primarily, utility stuff. Took stabs at importing data from Wowhead for use in the sim (weapons, especially), but got headaches over simple display formatting (parsing should be easier, but, argh, I'm tired, these days, so, well, I'll manage that eventually, XPath and friends).
What else?
Lots of DF, but that's passive. Some writing? News, of course. Some music.
Fiddled with electronics. My NPN based transistor inverter, taken directly from my digital computer electronics book, failed to work... I think, since displaying output might've been an issue? The PNP based one from the electronics kit... worked. I may or may not pickup breadboards and components - will I be able to wrap my aging mind around the math, and the art?
Gotta hack at my chart again. At least, I'm keeping up with many things. I'll be using maple sugar candies as carrots - rewards. Cover core things, get a candy. Do even more things, maybe a second.