Old Entry - 4/29/15
I wrote this after I freaked out on him for cancelling hanging out.
I’ve gone completely fucking mental. I am having an episode, and now I’m freaking out on Jesse because he cancelled hanging out. Argh. I sent a message to him, which I shouldn’t have sent. Now I wait. Fuck. I’m fucking crazy. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’m scared. I don’t want to be that person.
I can feel the paranoia and low self-esteem creeping in. I’m starting to cry for no reason. What’s wrong with me? I’m bipolar, and I will never be loved by anyone. That’s the reality. No one can deal with my ups and downs. My bad spending habits. My reckless behavior. I can’t even deal with it.
I can’t find a therapist I like. I feel like I’m going to vomit right now. I’m fucking crazy. I should sleep and pretend this all didn’t happen. Reality bites so hard. The reality is that Jesse will never like me how I like him. I just need to cut ties with him. Maybe it’s good I sent that text. I’m still going to worry about the response. I always worry.
FUCK! I hate myself. I am so selfish and crazy. I feel disconnected with people. Even when I’m hanging out with them. I just want to scream.
Stupid, stupid, stupid.
I’ve gone completely fucking mental. I am having an episode, and now I’m freaking out on Jesse because he cancelled hanging out. Argh. I sent a message to him, which I shouldn’t have sent. Now I wait. Fuck. I’m fucking crazy. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’m scared. I don’t want to be that person.
I can feel the paranoia and low self-esteem creeping in. I’m starting to cry for no reason. What’s wrong with me? I’m bipolar, and I will never be loved by anyone. That’s the reality. No one can deal with my ups and downs. My bad spending habits. My reckless behavior. I can’t even deal with it.
I can’t find a therapist I like. I feel like I’m going to vomit right now. I’m fucking crazy. I should sleep and pretend this all didn’t happen. Reality bites so hard. The reality is that Jesse will never like me how I like him. I just need to cut ties with him. Maybe it’s good I sent that text. I’m still going to worry about the response. I always worry.
FUCK! I hate myself. I am so selfish and crazy. I feel disconnected with people. Even when I’m hanging out with them. I just want to scream.
Stupid, stupid, stupid.