September 08 pt1
things are going alright with the family. basically everyone flipped out on my mother about telling me I couldn't go, and now I'll be seeing alot of them soon (holidays, etc).
being with Ian makes me wonder why I even tried to be with women, or even feminine boys. it never felt right, physically. i would feel overpowering and the way they felt (soft, on the more deliate side, etc) would just cause all these anger issues. it feels silly even writing about it, but when i touch him and feel all the muscles and how they move as he does, i feel put at ease. i like how there's little to no give with his body, how if he hasn't shaved my lips sting after kissing him for a few minutes. everytime i feel how heavy handed he is when he touches me, i just feel so calm.
there's something about how compact he is that i'm finding i'm the most attracted to in body types. i like big men, but they're too much for me in a way. the fact that he's smaller than me and just retrains me when we play around with such ease
I don't know where i'm going with this.
the fact that his responces to when we talk about if i started to get crazy again and not get help for it is 'i'd beat the shit out of you', and that i know he means it, helps. alot.
i think it's that i'm finally with someone who's so similar to me in general social temperment. someone that doesn't make me feel guilty or wrong for who or how i am, but instead makes me work on what needs to be worked on, and makes me strive to understand myself.
he doesn't say 'i love you' back when i say it, because there is no obligation, and he won't say it if it's not true. and that feels wonderful. that he's not rushing to feel how i do.
last week i bought us a matching pair of metal circuitry boards, that when put together, the etchings make a heart. i'll have to try to take a picture holding them together.
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so Ashton called Ian earlier in the week to simply say that I am a liar and he thought ian should know. Ian's face throughout the entire two minutes of Ashton talking and Ian saying nothing except 'uh huh. yeah...' in the begining was of utter confusion, and then alot of fucking boredom.
Riley then texts Ian at some point the other day about the same subject.
I have one question in all of this. Ignoring the fact that Riley doesn't even know fucking Ashton but has known be for a year, and the fact that I have no fucking reason to lie, and that Ashton likes to drag little bits of gossip out of everyone (which is how this started, because he kept harassing me about Oliver's and my fight)
WHY DO ANY OF YOU FUCKING CARE ANYMORE?
I'm not in your lives anymore, and at the rate RIley's going being a dick to Ian, they're gonna end up fucking that up too. Does no one have anything better to do than to gossip about this shit in circles?
I DON'T EVEN GO ON THE FUCKING INTERNET ANYMORE.
DO YOU WONDER WHY NONE OF YOU HAVE MY PHONE NUMBER?
WHAT
THE FUCK?
In the past, have I EVER fucking lied about what I've said about people? No. I own up to my shit. I don't know why this case would be any different. It's not like I'm worried about loosing Riley because that's clearly happened or hurting their feelings because I've already done that.
Whatever.
---------------------
going on three months of being sober
i bought a sketchbook and drew something of beauty, and then i lost the sketchbook
going to start walking the dogs the one and a half hour walk to work every monday morning and back wednesday night
been letting babies out with Ian.
sunday we blow this popstand
---------------------
woke up this morning and was in the cab and out the door with Ian, ChenFu, and Dougal by 6:20am. Get to work, feel naked for some reason, realize my collar is still by the bed where he unlocked it and I put it.
Fuck.
so i'll leave him in union square with the bags, go home, get my collar and some bags of gen mai cha tea (or the whole box), get may wah on the way back, come and pick him up, let him go to Virgin to get him mom a present, and then off to the train we go. We should still make the five something, maybe.
either way, it's vacation, so there's no crazy fucking rush.
oh, and we have a bottle of apple win from Eden's to have at the beach house. ^____^<3<3<3<3<3
oo. I can grab him Jamba juice for while he waits in the park<3
cute note: He has the key on a short chain around his neck, so normally I just lean in when he unlocks me now.
------------------
we've both promised to not touch myspace or go near anything drama related all week while we're away.
yup.
-------------------
it's so fucking hard to not write something publicly. it's Push and Jack, old tendancies of 'haha fuck you look at me and how i feel', the need to try and make people see if i'm happy or not. the refusal to hide things.
but this isn't hiding. it's just none of their buisness. i need to learn to be humble instead of harmful.
i'm getting there. slowly.
---------
When we got onto the train yesterday, after lugging my army pack, my messenger bag, ian's messenger bag, and the bag of may wah from work to the l train (ian had his hands full with the duffel bag. ouch), I went to get in and sit down and some skinny hipster fuck zoomed past me and sat down on the disibility seat. With his one small bag of groceries.
i proceeded to grumble and growl about it, and Ian got up and insisted I sit down. i didn't, made it clear i was going to stand, and then realized something. I understood Dougal a whole lot more.
sometimes you just need to let the dog growl.
---------------
Yeah so Oliver's been hacking all of my accounts and the like. This is after I told him to just leave me alone. And after I blocked him on Myspace and then DA because he was being retarded and not letting it go.
SO if any of you see me suddenly writing things that are not like myself, or see me deleting a lot of my old accounts, you know why.
----------------
being with Ian makes me wonder why I even tried to be with women, or even feminine boys. it never felt right, physically. i would feel overpowering and the way they felt (soft, on the more deliate side, etc) would just cause all these anger issues. it feels silly even writing about it, but when i touch him and feel all the muscles and how they move as he does, i feel put at ease. i like how there's little to no give with his body, how if he hasn't shaved my lips sting after kissing him for a few minutes. everytime i feel how heavy handed he is when he touches me, i just feel so calm.
there's something about how compact he is that i'm finding i'm the most attracted to in body types. i like big men, but they're too much for me in a way. the fact that he's smaller than me and just retrains me when we play around with such ease
I don't know where i'm going with this.
the fact that his responces to when we talk about if i started to get crazy again and not get help for it is 'i'd beat the shit out of you', and that i know he means it, helps. alot.
i think it's that i'm finally with someone who's so similar to me in general social temperment. someone that doesn't make me feel guilty or wrong for who or how i am, but instead makes me work on what needs to be worked on, and makes me strive to understand myself.
he doesn't say 'i love you' back when i say it, because there is no obligation, and he won't say it if it's not true. and that feels wonderful. that he's not rushing to feel how i do.
last week i bought us a matching pair of metal circuitry boards, that when put together, the etchings make a heart. i'll have to try to take a picture holding them together.
---------------------------------------
so Ashton called Ian earlier in the week to simply say that I am a liar and he thought ian should know. Ian's face throughout the entire two minutes of Ashton talking and Ian saying nothing except 'uh huh. yeah...' in the begining was of utter confusion, and then alot of fucking boredom.
Riley then texts Ian at some point the other day about the same subject.
I have one question in all of this. Ignoring the fact that Riley doesn't even know fucking Ashton but has known be for a year, and the fact that I have no fucking reason to lie, and that Ashton likes to drag little bits of gossip out of everyone (which is how this started, because he kept harassing me about Oliver's and my fight)
WHY DO ANY OF YOU FUCKING CARE ANYMORE?
I'm not in your lives anymore, and at the rate RIley's going being a dick to Ian, they're gonna end up fucking that up too. Does no one have anything better to do than to gossip about this shit in circles?
I DON'T EVEN GO ON THE FUCKING INTERNET ANYMORE.
DO YOU WONDER WHY NONE OF YOU HAVE MY PHONE NUMBER?
WHAT
THE FUCK?
In the past, have I EVER fucking lied about what I've said about people? No. I own up to my shit. I don't know why this case would be any different. It's not like I'm worried about loosing Riley because that's clearly happened or hurting their feelings because I've already done that.
Whatever.
---------------------
going on three months of being sober
i bought a sketchbook and drew something of beauty, and then i lost the sketchbook
going to start walking the dogs the one and a half hour walk to work every monday morning and back wednesday night
been letting babies out with Ian.
sunday we blow this popstand
---------------------
woke up this morning and was in the cab and out the door with Ian, ChenFu, and Dougal by 6:20am. Get to work, feel naked for some reason, realize my collar is still by the bed where he unlocked it and I put it.
Fuck.
so i'll leave him in union square with the bags, go home, get my collar and some bags of gen mai cha tea (or the whole box), get may wah on the way back, come and pick him up, let him go to Virgin to get him mom a present, and then off to the train we go. We should still make the five something, maybe.
either way, it's vacation, so there's no crazy fucking rush.
oh, and we have a bottle of apple win from Eden's to have at the beach house. ^____^<3<3<3<3<3
oo. I can grab him Jamba juice for while he waits in the park<3
cute note: He has the key on a short chain around his neck, so normally I just lean in when he unlocks me now.
------------------
we've both promised to not touch myspace or go near anything drama related all week while we're away.
yup.
-------------------
it's so fucking hard to not write something publicly. it's Push and Jack, old tendancies of 'haha fuck you look at me and how i feel', the need to try and make people see if i'm happy or not. the refusal to hide things.
but this isn't hiding. it's just none of their buisness. i need to learn to be humble instead of harmful.
i'm getting there. slowly.
---------
When we got onto the train yesterday, after lugging my army pack, my messenger bag, ian's messenger bag, and the bag of may wah from work to the l train (ian had his hands full with the duffel bag. ouch), I went to get in and sit down and some skinny hipster fuck zoomed past me and sat down on the disibility seat. With his one small bag of groceries.
i proceeded to grumble and growl about it, and Ian got up and insisted I sit down. i didn't, made it clear i was going to stand, and then realized something. I understood Dougal a whole lot more.
sometimes you just need to let the dog growl.
---------------
Yeah so Oliver's been hacking all of my accounts and the like. This is after I told him to just leave me alone. And after I blocked him on Myspace and then DA because he was being retarded and not letting it go.
SO if any of you see me suddenly writing things that are not like myself, or see me deleting a lot of my old accounts, you know why.
----------------