Old Post: Dripping Away (12/2010)
this one goes out to pS and Pug. Who are just awesome unto themselves.)
An incredible amount about myself has changed since I left NYC. I had become a person there so different from who I was before 18. Here, I'm making the same sometimes fast, sometimes gradual, but all positive changes that I need to make.
And it makes me look at how young I still am (28 in Feb, which to me is still very fucking young) and how much I'm going to continue to change, adapt, and grow. It's, in many ways, almost too astounding for me to be able to process.
No. Scratch that. I can't process it.
A lot of self acceptance has gone on over the past two years. Learning and acceptance. A lot of shedding arch-types I learned through out my life and seeing what's true and real underneath. It's made me take the labels I put to myself (monogamous, gay, submissive with topping tendencies, etc) and watch them change drastically as those walls that those labels created to protect me while I spent a period simply allowing that change to happen inside myself. I watch my labels now (pansexual, poly, kinkster, Dominant, submissive) move more and more towards simply being blurs, full of too much information to actually have a real definition (Daddy meaning submissive nurturer and masochistic care-taker as well as Dominant lover, nurturer, and sadistic force that coerces compliance, for one example).
It makes me better see my friends, my crushes, my love (smushusmush, Ian<3) because I can better see and understand myself.
It makes me better hear and understand Le Rouge Sublet. So much so that sometimes I'm not even here anymore, but just a gear in this mechanism.
This is me just spilling. Which is good. It's something I've always done, and will always do (spilling through writing). It just all makes better sense after it's written down, right before it all changes and evolves again.
An incredible amount about myself has changed since I left NYC. I had become a person there so different from who I was before 18. Here, I'm making the same sometimes fast, sometimes gradual, but all positive changes that I need to make.
And it makes me look at how young I still am (28 in Feb, which to me is still very fucking young) and how much I'm going to continue to change, adapt, and grow. It's, in many ways, almost too astounding for me to be able to process.
No. Scratch that. I can't process it.
A lot of self acceptance has gone on over the past two years. Learning and acceptance. A lot of shedding arch-types I learned through out my life and seeing what's true and real underneath. It's made me take the labels I put to myself (monogamous, gay, submissive with topping tendencies, etc) and watch them change drastically as those walls that those labels created to protect me while I spent a period simply allowing that change to happen inside myself. I watch my labels now (pansexual, poly, kinkster, Dominant, submissive) move more and more towards simply being blurs, full of too much information to actually have a real definition (Daddy meaning submissive nurturer and masochistic care-taker as well as Dominant lover, nurturer, and sadistic force that coerces compliance, for one example).
It makes me better see my friends, my crushes, my love (smushusmush, Ian<3) because I can better see and understand myself.
It makes me better hear and understand Le Rouge Sublet. So much so that sometimes I'm not even here anymore, but just a gear in this mechanism.
This is me just spilling. Which is good. It's something I've always done, and will always do (spilling through writing). It just all makes better sense after it's written down, right before it all changes and evolves again.