(no subject)
I'm a tad off kilter today... even my coworkers noticed it (Nick asked if I was ok. That was weird, though very nice of him).
I wrote an extensive email to my parents and sister last night. I came out to them about my sexual addiction (they already knew I was a recovering addict, they just had no idea what i was recovering from), and stated the fact that I am collared to Ian. I didn't explain our kink lifestyle to them, I think that would have been too much for one email. However I stated this much:
"The life I live with Ian now, in it's full spectrum, might not be what you wanted for me. I have no idea of dad's opinions about things, but I'm sure mom wouldn't approve. I'm sorry for that. My chain around my neck is my collar. You will never see me without it. I am not his slave or his punching bag or any horrid thing you may think goes along with these twelve links of steel that I cherish so much. He and I respect each other as equals. I love him, and he loves me. This lock and his key are just further proof of our devotion to one another."
I really, really didn't want to use 'slave' in a negative light there. I didn't. But I needed to start on terms my family knows and taught me with, and that society knows as a whole. From there I can work with them to educate them better on the subject.
I also made it clear a few times in the email how my mother treated sex and anything kink related was damaging to me. Such as:
"Add to this that in our house, sex was a dirty issue. It may have not intended to be, but I can count the times I couldn't watch a movie because of sex. Or was told before hand how said sex in said movie was wrong. Unloving. Animal. It ingrained in me that anything because the softest of making love was wrong. Shameful. People that fucked were shameful, empty monsters that had no respect for themselves."
"I remember wanting a collar at some point in high school, I think. I don't remember how or what was said, but I remember a clear image forming in my brain of two degenerates humping and beating away at one another with a dead look in their eyes. Because collars meant S&M (which actually, they don't), and only horrid people do self damaging things like that."
"These were the things I thought. I thought sex was this evil thing. Add to this that I wanted to be with a man and society as a whole painted gay sex as something to horribly ashamed of, and that it probably had hints of BDSM in it anyways due to how immoral it was, and all I could see myself as was this inhuman thing. This freak. That I wanted to wear a collar and handcuffs made me this thing to be ashamed of."
"I remember how much I wanted to wear those cuffs, ones that I had bought proudly from the street fair with my own money. I remember mom telling me that I made myself look like someone undesirable. I don't remember the exact words, or even any at all. But I remember it was about how I looked with them clipped to my pants and how it gave people the wrong message."
"...even then, the job of the parent to educate me correctly about these things. Not with your opinions, or the opinions society and your own parents had bestowed upon you. As parents, when I wanted that collar or those cuffs, I should have been told the actual history behind such things, not what you learned on TV or from other people that thought it was immoral. And if it was your opinion, your well founded and researched opinion, you should have told me it and then had me read unbiased information on the subject. If such things were hard to find back then, I should have been sent to a therepist. I'm serious, it might have helped me to understand that part of me.."
It was a long, long email. The fact that I sent it to my mother as well as my father is a big deal for me, because my dad would never cope with issues with me. It's only recently he's talked to me about any of the other things I've come out to them about (being gay being one of them), as he's a person who bottles and isn't very social. I know the fact that my sister and I were messed up kids messed him up. His self esteem always has and probably always will seem so low, but I love my dad. It'll just take a long, long time to repair all the bullshit between us.
So yeah. I'm a bit off today.
Writing will hopefully help.
I wrote an extensive email to my parents and sister last night. I came out to them about my sexual addiction (they already knew I was a recovering addict, they just had no idea what i was recovering from), and stated the fact that I am collared to Ian. I didn't explain our kink lifestyle to them, I think that would have been too much for one email. However I stated this much:
"The life I live with Ian now, in it's full spectrum, might not be what you wanted for me. I have no idea of dad's opinions about things, but I'm sure mom wouldn't approve. I'm sorry for that. My chain around my neck is my collar. You will never see me without it. I am not his slave or his punching bag or any horrid thing you may think goes along with these twelve links of steel that I cherish so much. He and I respect each other as equals. I love him, and he loves me. This lock and his key are just further proof of our devotion to one another."
I really, really didn't want to use 'slave' in a negative light there. I didn't. But I needed to start on terms my family knows and taught me with, and that society knows as a whole. From there I can work with them to educate them better on the subject.
I also made it clear a few times in the email how my mother treated sex and anything kink related was damaging to me. Such as:
"Add to this that in our house, sex was a dirty issue. It may have not intended to be, but I can count the times I couldn't watch a movie because of sex. Or was told before hand how said sex in said movie was wrong. Unloving. Animal. It ingrained in me that anything because the softest of making love was wrong. Shameful. People that fucked were shameful, empty monsters that had no respect for themselves."
"I remember wanting a collar at some point in high school, I think. I don't remember how or what was said, but I remember a clear image forming in my brain of two degenerates humping and beating away at one another with a dead look in their eyes. Because collars meant S&M (which actually, they don't), and only horrid people do self damaging things like that."
"These were the things I thought. I thought sex was this evil thing. Add to this that I wanted to be with a man and society as a whole painted gay sex as something to horribly ashamed of, and that it probably had hints of BDSM in it anyways due to how immoral it was, and all I could see myself as was this inhuman thing. This freak. That I wanted to wear a collar and handcuffs made me this thing to be ashamed of."
"I remember how much I wanted to wear those cuffs, ones that I had bought proudly from the street fair with my own money. I remember mom telling me that I made myself look like someone undesirable. I don't remember the exact words, or even any at all. But I remember it was about how I looked with them clipped to my pants and how it gave people the wrong message."
"...even then, the job of the parent to educate me correctly about these things. Not with your opinions, or the opinions society and your own parents had bestowed upon you. As parents, when I wanted that collar or those cuffs, I should have been told the actual history behind such things, not what you learned on TV or from other people that thought it was immoral. And if it was your opinion, your well founded and researched opinion, you should have told me it and then had me read unbiased information on the subject. If such things were hard to find back then, I should have been sent to a therepist. I'm serious, it might have helped me to understand that part of me.."
It was a long, long email. The fact that I sent it to my mother as well as my father is a big deal for me, because my dad would never cope with issues with me. It's only recently he's talked to me about any of the other things I've come out to them about (being gay being one of them), as he's a person who bottles and isn't very social. I know the fact that my sister and I were messed up kids messed him up. His self esteem always has and probably always will seem so low, but I love my dad. It'll just take a long, long time to repair all the bullshit between us.
So yeah. I'm a bit off today.
Writing will hopefully help.