(no subject)
things said to J, repeated here so I remember I said them:
Beyond that: I'm stressed out and dealing with random bits of anger.
I'm stressed because in a week, we stop working. A huge, HUGE aspect of my routine is going to be gone. For someone like me, this piece of a routine is a huge deal, even if I've come to hate it. It goes a long with my mental disabilities (ADHD, post trauma, etc), as well as routine being a comfort zone.
"reasons i can't talk to you about art: i'm in such a fucking different place art is my life and as such it just feels too big.."
That, for some reason, hurt to read. Can't explain that.
It's probably partially a 'not in your league' thing (aka in an art sense), but that's minor stupid things that just go along with it.
I know it wasn't meant to sound belittling, J. It just, over all, hurt to read.
Besides that, over the past few days it feels like space has settled somewhere between us. I know your phone wasn't working, and I know you've been busy. I'm not saying this has been caused by you OR me. I'm simply saying it feels like it's there, and that hurts as well.
In general: I'm not doing good. I'm going through a lot of bouts of manic depressive issues ('YAY I CAN PACK!' to 'Oh god.. work ends soon.. I have to talk to realtors.. I just want to curl up' and back again). Random panic attacks all this morning and restlessness. I want to not be here anymore. I want to be moved into the new house. I want a house to have been settled upon and to be either working at or interviewing for new jobs. I want to stop having the compulsion to bite through my hands when i want to draw (or even worse: I've been avoiding/ignoring my sketchbooks at points and I want it to stop). want to be able to talk to people online and not have to worry about it turning into some stupid shit.
A lot of things. Point is: I'm having problems right now, and I'm not ok.
This will change and it will get better. Nothing can work with my issues but me. I'll be happy also to have the routine of new meetings down there.
I feel stagnant, useless, and angry.
These will pass.
I'm just pissed off and fucking impatient.
Beyond that: I'm stressed out and dealing with random bits of anger.
I'm stressed because in a week, we stop working. A huge, HUGE aspect of my routine is going to be gone. For someone like me, this piece of a routine is a huge deal, even if I've come to hate it. It goes a long with my mental disabilities (ADHD, post trauma, etc), as well as routine being a comfort zone.
"reasons i can't talk to you about art: i'm in such a fucking different place art is my life and as such it just feels too big.."
That, for some reason, hurt to read. Can't explain that.
It's probably partially a 'not in your league' thing (aka in an art sense), but that's minor stupid things that just go along with it.
I know it wasn't meant to sound belittling, J. It just, over all, hurt to read.
Besides that, over the past few days it feels like space has settled somewhere between us. I know your phone wasn't working, and I know you've been busy. I'm not saying this has been caused by you OR me. I'm simply saying it feels like it's there, and that hurts as well.
In general: I'm not doing good. I'm going through a lot of bouts of manic depressive issues ('YAY I CAN PACK!' to 'Oh god.. work ends soon.. I have to talk to realtors.. I just want to curl up' and back again). Random panic attacks all this morning and restlessness. I want to not be here anymore. I want to be moved into the new house. I want a house to have been settled upon and to be either working at or interviewing for new jobs. I want to stop having the compulsion to bite through my hands when i want to draw (or even worse: I've been avoiding/ignoring my sketchbooks at points and I want it to stop). want to be able to talk to people online and not have to worry about it turning into some stupid shit.
A lot of things. Point is: I'm having problems right now, and I'm not ok.
This will change and it will get better. Nothing can work with my issues but me. I'll be happy also to have the routine of new meetings down there.
I feel stagnant, useless, and angry.
These will pass.
I'm just pissed off and fucking impatient.