(no subject)
It has been a bit since my last entry, or atleast a bit for me. Things have been very busy, with work and with life in general. But it feels every day more and more like it's all coming together. Every day I feel more complete.
It's terrifying.
Our one yar is coming up, and by this point I normally shut off to the person I'm with. Two relationships in a row, I waited out a year of some severe fucked-uppery before it would get so intense and psychotic (and abusive, on both ends) that it would end.
This isn't happening, now. And my deviating from said pattern is scaring me. I don't worry he'll treat me differently, I worry I'll treat HIM differently. I do worry that he'll wake up and think certain things that'll cause him to leave, but it's more of a concern about myself.
Between this and having been sick (Ian is too), my eating disorder issues have kicked in. Last night was the last straw really, with me cursing at the fridge and cabinets while Ian stood there and watched, or held me and consoled me. I would try. I would make us food and then try to eat and everytime I began chewing, I wanted to gag. And the things I was saying, but he met every one without hesitation. I wasn't fishing for compliments. I just hated every single last thing about myself and that I did. But he helps me. And he makes me see.
"I keep worrying I'm not masculine enough for you.."
"You're perfect, puppy."
"Oh come on Ian. No."
"You're perfect for me."
"I was going to say the dinner looks ugly."
"Puppy it doesn't look ugly. It looks like food."
"You know what I mean! I always"
"Puppy. It's not ugly."
"We should go eat your icky, ugly fod, then."
To which he grabbed a piece of the sauted brocoli spears and stuck it on my nose.
Last night he said he loved me. He said it twice. He looked me straight in the face and said it, and everything just.. flooded for a moment. I wanted to cry, but it was all in a good way. And I kept repeating
"You said you loved me twice.."
"I know."
Sitting in the livingroom in my beanbag chair, the back of his head in my lap, leaning back to gaze up at me
He's so fucking gorgeous. I could never describe how handsome he is. How he's just.. perfect for me. Explaining it fucking elludes me. But he knows. Just like we anticipate one another's moods and needs.
He just went to Jamba Juice to get me a smoothie while I work (we both took extra shifts at the job to cover people). Before that he went to the store and got me mac and cheese. Things to make me eat.
He got me Bailey's ice cream and kit kat bars for the two of us.
Last night, before my mood dropped (which probably also due to the fact that I worked so much Friday and then today that I was just exhausted and couldn't even do chores, which he knew because he was with me the whole time), I made him a bath. He can't remember the last time he's had one. I used all my scented bubbled and made him Gen Mai Cha tea and a bowl of raspberry sorbet and ice cream with white chocolate pieces on top. It felt amazing, doing that for him. I want to more often, and he deserves it. He works so hard and so much, he never has the time to just lay back and relax.
Thursday he woke up and did just that though. And I did the vacuuming and the dishes and took the top off the stove range and scrubbed it. Vacuumed underneath it.
I felt like the best dog ever.
As you can see, this is a mix of negatives and positives. But it shows how human beings work, and how he helps me to work through everyting. And to realize that I can.
My wonderful, amazing, sexy muchu<3
It's terrifying.
Our one yar is coming up, and by this point I normally shut off to the person I'm with. Two relationships in a row, I waited out a year of some severe fucked-uppery before it would get so intense and psychotic (and abusive, on both ends) that it would end.
This isn't happening, now. And my deviating from said pattern is scaring me. I don't worry he'll treat me differently, I worry I'll treat HIM differently. I do worry that he'll wake up and think certain things that'll cause him to leave, but it's more of a concern about myself.
Between this and having been sick (Ian is too), my eating disorder issues have kicked in. Last night was the last straw really, with me cursing at the fridge and cabinets while Ian stood there and watched, or held me and consoled me. I would try. I would make us food and then try to eat and everytime I began chewing, I wanted to gag. And the things I was saying, but he met every one without hesitation. I wasn't fishing for compliments. I just hated every single last thing about myself and that I did. But he helps me. And he makes me see.
"I keep worrying I'm not masculine enough for you.."
"You're perfect, puppy."
"Oh come on Ian. No."
"You're perfect for me."
"I was going to say the dinner looks ugly."
"Puppy it doesn't look ugly. It looks like food."
"You know what I mean! I always"
"Puppy. It's not ugly."
"We should go eat your icky, ugly fod, then."
To which he grabbed a piece of the sauted brocoli spears and stuck it on my nose.
Last night he said he loved me. He said it twice. He looked me straight in the face and said it, and everything just.. flooded for a moment. I wanted to cry, but it was all in a good way. And I kept repeating
"You said you loved me twice.."
"I know."
Sitting in the livingroom in my beanbag chair, the back of his head in my lap, leaning back to gaze up at me
He's so fucking gorgeous. I could never describe how handsome he is. How he's just.. perfect for me. Explaining it fucking elludes me. But he knows. Just like we anticipate one another's moods and needs.
He just went to Jamba Juice to get me a smoothie while I work (we both took extra shifts at the job to cover people). Before that he went to the store and got me mac and cheese. Things to make me eat.
He got me Bailey's ice cream and kit kat bars for the two of us.
Last night, before my mood dropped (which probably also due to the fact that I worked so much Friday and then today that I was just exhausted and couldn't even do chores, which he knew because he was with me the whole time), I made him a bath. He can't remember the last time he's had one. I used all my scented bubbled and made him Gen Mai Cha tea and a bowl of raspberry sorbet and ice cream with white chocolate pieces on top. It felt amazing, doing that for him. I want to more often, and he deserves it. He works so hard and so much, he never has the time to just lay back and relax.
Thursday he woke up and did just that though. And I did the vacuuming and the dishes and took the top off the stove range and scrubbed it. Vacuumed underneath it.
I felt like the best dog ever.
As you can see, this is a mix of negatives and positives. But it shows how human beings work, and how he helps me to work through everyting. And to realize that I can.
My wonderful, amazing, sexy muchu<3