its been almost 3 years
its been almost 3 years and as sit here and read back to what i've actually wrote in here, i can only shake my head and wonder. this may be the last journal entry i'll ever write on here so let's not hold back.
i'm tired. i've been tired for a long time and i feel that it catches up to me. i feel the weariness in my bones and i wonder how can i be so young in years and yet so old and weathered in mind. it makes me ashamed to read back on what i've wrote in the past, especially about my mother. i have put my mom through hell and back for my entire life and never stopped to tell her that i was sorry. it breaks my heart. i am also humbled by the silly girlishness of every post from every new love and every break up. i am appalled at the very words i have written on here proclaiming perfection in some waste of space nobody boy. i have begged for attention, redemption, freedom and peace.
i feel as though i owe a universal apology. To everyone I have ever known, I am sorry. I have been a poor excuse of a daughter and sibling, a shadow of a friend, and a pushover as a girlfriend and lover. i am ashamed of my very self deprecating self.
there is a feeling that i cannot ignore, a feeling of being stretched too far. i'm beginning to snag and tear. i just can't put my finger on why i feel this way. i have felt similar in the past but have always had reasons or something to place blame, whether it be a boy or a friend or my mom. but this time, i have so much that brings me joy.
and yet, why still the untold sadness.
this may be my only outlet for true brutal honesty. this is my safe haven of words. and i trust that no one reads this, why keep up with a journal thats years old?
this may not be my last entry as it is late and i have an early morning ahead of me. i may seek solace in this yet.
but know this, if this may be my last entry. i have truly loved and i have truly hated. there are many things here in my life that do bring me great joy and happiness. i just fear that its not enough to surpass the shadow that has been haunting me.
i'm tired. i've been tired for a long time and i feel that it catches up to me. i feel the weariness in my bones and i wonder how can i be so young in years and yet so old and weathered in mind. it makes me ashamed to read back on what i've wrote in the past, especially about my mother. i have put my mom through hell and back for my entire life and never stopped to tell her that i was sorry. it breaks my heart. i am also humbled by the silly girlishness of every post from every new love and every break up. i am appalled at the very words i have written on here proclaiming perfection in some waste of space nobody boy. i have begged for attention, redemption, freedom and peace.
i feel as though i owe a universal apology. To everyone I have ever known, I am sorry. I have been a poor excuse of a daughter and sibling, a shadow of a friend, and a pushover as a girlfriend and lover. i am ashamed of my very self deprecating self.
there is a feeling that i cannot ignore, a feeling of being stretched too far. i'm beginning to snag and tear. i just can't put my finger on why i feel this way. i have felt similar in the past but have always had reasons or something to place blame, whether it be a boy or a friend or my mom. but this time, i have so much that brings me joy.
and yet, why still the untold sadness.
this may be my only outlet for true brutal honesty. this is my safe haven of words. and i trust that no one reads this, why keep up with a journal thats years old?
this may not be my last entry as it is late and i have an early morning ahead of me. i may seek solace in this yet.
but know this, if this may be my last entry. i have truly loved and i have truly hated. there are many things here in my life that do bring me great joy and happiness. i just fear that its not enough to surpass the shadow that has been haunting me.